Galbally's Advice Column for FG.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:11 pm

cherandbuster wrote: I love that expression

arse face :p

Yes arse face is a much loved term of endearment here on this side of the atlantic, its many a time I've heard a lovely old wife say to her husband, "oi arseface, go over to the offie and get me a bottle of sherry you dozy git". Yes we do have a way with words, it must be the influence of Shakespeare or something.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:12 pm

Pinky wrote: Oh Betty, you love the accent too? Clear a space on the floor, I'm swooning too.

(I'll try not to land on robo-dog this time, lol!)

:wah: Poor robo dog! That was so funny, bang crash wallop,

'woof woof',

loud desperate whispers 'oh bloody hell how do you shut this thing up',

'woof woof'

I was laughing so much I couldn't come and help you! Sorry Pinky, remind me never to drink vodka again!

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:13 pm

Galbally wrote: You find that sexy? I am obviously living on the wrong Island.

Oh you are Dr, do you live near the coast? You could hijack a fishing boat and be here in few hours!

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:31 pm

Dear Dr. Gallballs, would you rather be stomped on by Godzilla or squished by King Kong ?

Also if you could be a superhero and your choices were Aquaman or that bionic guy, whom would you choose ?

This last question is important (more than you know) so I hope you get it right.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:39 pm

Betty Boop wrote: :wah: Poor robo dog! That was so funny, bang crash wallop,

'woof woof',

loud desperate whispers 'oh bloody hell how do you shut this thing up',

'woof woof'

I was laughing so much I couldn't come and help you! Sorry Pinky, remind me never to drink vodka again!

Vodka is fine, don't worry, however should you find yourself drinking more than a litre a day starting at 8am then you should definetly cut down a bit.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:41 pm

Betty Boop wrote: Oh you are Dr, do you live near the coast? You could hijack a fishing boat and be here in few hours!

Perhaps I shall consider your suggestion when I have learned more about basic navigation at sea. I shall see if there are local night classes, I believe that arnold layne went through a phase of being a crusty sea dog, perhaps he could give me some tips on how to splice a mainsail and determine longitude without using a GPS system.

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:45 pm

Dear Dr. Gal,

It is with extreme distress that I inform you that he guards. . .er . . .personnel said "nix" to your idea about the Brits joining in on the conjugal trailer idea. And I'm afraid they had heard about the exploding cheese fiasco, so that's a no-go, as they are a rather fastidious group. I shall have to come up with something else.

Signed,

Willing & Wanton (my cousin)

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:47 pm

Nomad wrote: Dear Dr. Gallballs, would you rather be stomped on by Godzilla or squished by King Kong ?

Also if you could be a superhero and your choices were Aquaman or that bionic guy, whom would you choose ?

This last question is important (more than you know) so I hope you get it right.

Thank you Nomad, interesting question, though I would ask that you refrain from calling me "galballs" I have enough touble as it is.

Firstly, I would definetly want to be squished by Godzilla like any other sane human, King Kong is a bit of an amateur compared to the great lizard, who's penchant for running amok in large Japanese cities has deservedly won him worldwide acclaim. I think his take on scottish moon-dancing must be his finest hour.

In terms of which superhero, I generally dislike all superhero's though I have advocated their use in overcoming our recent problems with terrorism. I would pick the bionic man as I think he would have slightly more success with the ladies, well the bionic woman anyway. Also he has friends in high places (such as that bloke Oscar who was always looking out for him). Finally if the worst came to the worst and I went bankrupt I could always sell myself for spare parts and get some of the 6 million dollars back, though how much is uncertain, and 6 million dollars ain't what it used to be.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:51 pm

Zapata wrote: Dear Dr. Gal,

It is with extreme distress that I inform you that he guards. . .er . . .personnel said "nix" to your idea about the Brits joining in on the conjugal trailer idea. And I'm afraid they had heard about the exploding cheese fiasco, so that's a no-go, as they are a rather fastidious group. I shall have to come up with something else.

Signed,

Willing & Wanton (my cousin)

Thats a pity, they are being a bit uptight, though perhaps I should have refrained from mentioning the terrible events with the cheese and the associated injuries, which in many cases defied medical science at the time.

You can inform "Willing and Wanton" that the current champion is one "Rex Apocalypse" of Southend on Sea, Essex, England. He is a formidable character by all accounts.

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 6:54 pm

Dear Dr.,

W&W says thanks for the advice. She wants to know if you were involved in that cheesey deal. She says Rex sounds yummy!

Say, Doc, do ya mind if I send some clients your way? I know a lot of needy people.

Thanks,

W&W's cousin

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:26 am

Dear Doc, Do you think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver ? And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 10:08 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Trust Nomad to get me out of my funk.:wah:

So your funkless now ? :-3 I cant fix everything around here !

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:37 pm

Zapata wrote: Dear Dr.,

W&W says thanks for the advice. She wants to know if you were involved in that cheesey deal. She says Rex sounds yummy!

Say, Doc, do ya mind if I send some clients your way? I know a lot of needy people.

Thanks,

W&W's cousin

No I had nothing to do with the said deal, and I can prove it with a birth certifcate from December 1971, more than 6 years after the alleged incident occurred. However, I have done some research and found that sex-tournament accidents are far more common than I expected, almost as common as exploding cheeses (particularly the parmesan variety as comes in grains and has a higher surface-to-area ratio from which to react with oxygen). The specifics of the 1965 "round-britain astounding superlover" diaster are sketchy as the swiss and british governments have sucessfully covered most of it up as it might have been bad for Britains impending entry into the EEC (EU) in 1973. I did learn that the man directly involved was one Hans Grossenlanger, who made I can say happily a full recovery though he never regained his superlover rankings in following tounaments. He has retied now as spends his time as a freelance backgammon master in Zurich.

I am happy to deal with all comers as long as they don't mind the ritual humiliation and general all-round lack of any sympathy whatsoever.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:43 pm

Nomad wrote: Dear Doc, Do you think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver ? And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

I must admit that I am not entirely enamoured with Mr. Bush at the present time, his "Yo Blair" incident was particularly embarressing, though he did know how to party (once upon a time), and he does surround himself with very clever people so he is not as silly as some people would have us believe. But I do respect the office, and particularly the average reaction time of serving members of the U.S. security services so if I did give him a chocolate revolver I would have to move extremely fast indeed. I think a better present would be a large-print thesaurus and a map of the world with the countries' marked in large red letters. I would also like to ask him that if indeed 90 percent of U.S. imports come from abroad as he claims, where does the other 10 percent come from?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:45 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Trust Nomad to get me out of my funk.:wah:

Interesting, I am glad that my admitedly somewhat comic name has made you happier again.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:46 pm

Nomad wrote: So your funkless now ? :-3 I cant fix everything around here !

The fact that you try is endearing anyway Nomad. I would ask you why the interest in oversized TV monsters and superhero's of late, and is it true that the "Green Lantern" has been sighted in your state recently?

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:47 pm

Dear Dr. GB,

I can see that you are very well endowed with gifts for giving sound, cheesey advice. I would not hesitate for a minute to recommend you most highly. Now, getting back to the cheese question, what would be your cheese of choice IF you were to become embroiled in a dalliance, or contest of that sort?

Hopeful Hedy

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:49 pm

Galbally wrote: The fact that you try is endearing anyway Nomad. I would ask you why the interest in oversized TV monsters and superhero's of late, and is it true that the "Green Lantern" has been sighted in your state recently?

Whos asking the questions here ? Get back behind your desk where you belong !

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:52 pm

Zapata wrote: Dear Dr. GB,

I can see that you are very well endowed with gifts for giving sound, cheesey advice. I would not hesitate for a minute to recommend you most highly. Now, getting back to the cheese question, what would be your cheese of choice IF you were to become embroiled in a dalliance, or contest of that sort?

Hopeful Hedy

Thank you, I always strive to provide a professional, top-quality, kosher, not dodgy-at-all type service.

In terms of the cheese, I would pick Emmental (which is German or Swiss/German), as its tasteful, discrete, clean and cool, which always the way to deal with any potentially intricate personal situations. It also has holes you can peek through, which is useful on occasion. And yourself?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:56 pm

Nomad wrote: Whos asking the questions here ? Get back behind your desk where you belong !

There is no need for hostility my good man, asking questions is a completely natural part of assessing a patients current mental state. Also, it is a good laugh. How you wish to answer (or remain silent) is of course entirely at your own discretion though of course any reaction speaks volumes to a highly (erm) trained profession type such as myself or Doctor Bob from sesame street.

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:56 pm

Dear Doc,

Yes, I am somewhat enthusiastic about peeking through the holes. The cheese you mentioned, what sort of aroma does it have? Nothing like Limburger, is it?

HH

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 4:58 pm

Zapata wrote: Dear Doc,

Yes, I am somewhat enthusiastic about peeking through the holes. The cheese you mentioned, what sort of aroma does it have? Nothing like Limburger, is it?

HH

Indeed, peeking through holes can be a most rewarding pastime, though of course should always be done discretely and within the bounds of decency as established by the late Roman Empire. I must admit that I have not had a chance to smell Limburger cheese lately, though it sounds about right.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:08 pm

Galbally wrote: There is no need for hostility my good man, asking questions is a completely natural part of assessing a patients current mental state. Also, it is a good laugh. How you wish to answer (or remain silent) is of course entirely at your own discretion though of course any reaction speaks volumes to a highly (erm) trained profession type such as myself or Doctor Bob from sesame street.

Im sorry Doc. Im no good.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:08 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally,

I was watching a show with an actor that looks a lot like you. I was kind of getting into it.

Erm, thank you, though I think he may be a bit better looking than me, but then he is an actor and I'm only a humble Internet Agony Uncle. But I do appreciate the sentiment. Though maybe if I got me photographer friend to go over me mugshot and generally airbrush out everything bad, which is only about 78 percent then I would look O.K. I don't like pictures of myself (which is a good sign) as I always tend to pull stupid goofy faces for some reason, which may be a trait inherent in being Irish, Catholic, Male, or all three. I remember I met that actor Alan Rickman in Dublin once, and I had to admit that he was one cool-looking dude (to use an americanism).

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:10 pm

Nomad wrote: Im sorry Doc. Im no good.

Now there is no need to denigrate yourself in this manner Nomad, you are not all bad, I would say there is at least 60 percent good in you. With correct diet and a crash course in the humanities I am sure we could get that up to at least 87 percent.

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:44 pm

Dr. Gee,

So sorry, I ran off for a while to look at the picture posted of yourself. I think you look rather like Joe Namath, so that caused me to look at my TV to see if I could find any old footage of Broadway Joe but I had no luck. Then I noticed a movie with the title, "The Last Hard Men" so I gave that a look-see, but I think it was a war movie or possibly about a chain gang and then that caused me to feel sorry for my cousin who is languishing in Leavenworth at this moment in time. Then I became really depressed, so I started to repot a plant. Oh there I go again, rambling on, but perhaps you can solve my dilemma. What is the best medium for succulents?

Depressed but Darling

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:59 pm

Zapata wrote: Dr. Gee,

So sorry, I ran off for a while to look at the picture posted of yourself. I think you look rather like Joe Namath, so that caused me to look at my TV to see if I could find any old footage of Broadway Joe but I had no luck. Then I noticed a movie with the title, "The Last Hard Men" so I gave that a look-see, but I think it was a war movie or possibly about a chain gang and then that caused me to feel sorry for my cousin who is languishing in Leavenworth at this moment in time. Then I became really depressed, so I started to repot a plant. Oh there I go again, rambling on, but perhaps you can solve my dilemma. What is the best medium for succulents?

Depressed but Darling

Thats a very interesting slice of your life there. I must admist that I do not have any idea who joe naimath is (which may be a good thing), and that I am not him also. I am sorry to hear of your relatives incarceration, such things are difficult and trying like much in life. I must also admit that my gardening skills are hopeless, along with carpentry, plumbing, and painting (though I can sketch a bit). But I am okay at fixing fairly simple car things, science, and music. What I would say is that gardening is well known to be an excellent remedy for the blues as seeing and helping living things in their growing is in general a pleasant thing to do with your time. I am also quite sure that there are several very experienced gardeners on this forum who can help us with this little dilema.

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 6:05 pm

Dr. Gee,

". . .fairly simple car things" Would that include a flat tire? I think I've got one.

Automotatively Challenged

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Sep 02, 2006 6:16 pm

Zapata wrote: Dr. Gee,

". . .fairly simple car things" Would that include a flat tire? I think I've got one.

Automotatively Challenged

Well, you could try some compressed air into the provided air-valve if you have a pump. The correct pressure to apply to the tire is usally written on the tyre and the pump should have a gauge (unless is some cheap rubbish). If you don't have a pump, I'm sure a neighbour would oblige as Anericans are famously generous in such matters, though this may be a false stereotype perpetrated by Frank Capra films.

If the tyre has an actual puncture a good strategy is to play the old "damsel in distress" ploy and get some local manly guy to change the wheel for you, men are suckers for such situation are always eager to impress the ladies by fixing cars with minor problems, beating other males in various contests, or simply beating their chests and shouting in some non-descript manner, its been a formula that has worked for many years apparently.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 8:38 pm

Dearest Doctor G, if you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives language, do you think saying poppy-oomy will get you a banana soufle or a spear in your ear ?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Sep 03, 2006 8:40 pm

Also have you ever realized that if you and spot were walking down the street someone might call out

"hey ! G-Spot"

You probably didnt think of that did you ?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 3:08 am

Nomad wrote: Dearest Doctor G, if you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives language, do you think saying poppy-oomy will get you a banana soufle or a spear in your ear ?

We have had this particular discussion before Nomad, I think we came to the conclusion that if stuck on a desert Island, it would be prudent to say nothing until you had worked out what the local word for "toast my testicles" please is.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 3:09 am

Nomad wrote: Also have you ever realized that if you and spot were walking down the street someone might call out

"hey ! G-Spot"

You probably didnt think of that did you ?

No I didn't, shame really.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:43 am

Good afternoon, I have been away for a brief time to support my sister as she has just graduated in Classics and English lit, I'm a very proud brother. Anyway, I am of course always ready to deal with any enquiries you may have regarding your various "issues" (ha ha) which will be dealt with in the upmost professional and exem....blah, blah, blah, blah, just spill the beans.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:24 am

Wendybird wrote: Thank you DR G. I am a n00b and I have a question.

If my feet are smelling and my nose is runnning does this mean that I am upside down?

Dear Wendybird it is always nice to welcome a fellow celt to the office, though I must admit that I am slighty unsure at the present time exactly what a n00b is, forgive my igonorance as I am quite stupid (often).

In terms of your problem, if your feet are actually smelly right now and your nose running, it may indeed by that you are upside down; however, it could also be that you are suffering from a head cold and are wearning running shoes too much. In extreme cases you may be suffering from Simon Bolivarism, a rare condition in which you are harbouring the personality of a latin american dictator within your subconcious. In which case it is imperative that you found a republic in south america dedicated to yourself as soon as is practical. I would suggest that this can be achieved by promising the locals a new dawn for their continent, or at least the chance to beat Wales in the World Cup finals should that event arise. You could call the country La Repubique de Wendybirdios. If it is the case that you are suffering from a cold and over-ripe runners, get some lemsip and a new pair of Golas (they are nice), or finally if you are upside down then you should orient yourself using a local landmark in Cheltenham and get someone you trust to get you back in the correct position vis a vis the rest of the planet. I hope this is of some assisstance.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:34 am

Nomad wrote: Also have you ever realized that if you and spot were walking down the street someone might call out

"hey ! G-Spot"

You probably didnt think of that did you ?

I think this is really funny!

Is something wrong with me? :-3

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:26 pm

cherandbuster wrote: I think this is really funny!

Is something wrong with me? :-3

I think that you are being suggestive, but I like it of course.

ARgi · Post by **ARgi** » Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:49 pm

hi galbally ...

can you read my palm, please?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:30 am

ARgi wrote: hi galbally ...

can you read my palm, please?

Of course no problem. Lets go, well from your lung line I can tell that you once ate a cuban cigar while playing the trombome, hold on is that a budwiesier label stuck to the other side of your hand, you were drinking last night. Lets look at your relationship axis, oh interesting, you are infatuated with a sci-fi writer, right what else, well I can tell by your fingerprints that you are currently wanted in 13 states for various traffic offences and are known when in Zurich as "The Squirrel". I can also tell by the lack of gold jewlrey that you are into silver, what else, oh yeah the life line, well it seems that you still have a good few months left don't worry. Good Day.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 08, 2006 3:31 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally,

Are there any body parts you're adept at reading?

Oh I'd day most of them, most of them, though I am better at reading books in general.

woppy71 · Post by **woppy71** » Fri Sep 08, 2006 5:05 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Why does this crack me up?

That cracks me up as well. Ya know, I never realised he smoked:wah:

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 08, 2006 5:15 am

Hamster wrote: Dr Doctor Galbally,

What can you recommend for rodents with insomnia?

I have everything! .....Well I have tried a glass of warm milk in the evening but that just made me wake up to go to the loo!!

Hopeful Hammy....

There are several methods, being a rodent you could try copious amouts of sexual intercourse before sleeping as this always works (well for the male of the species anyway), other remedies include a long run, camomile tea, an episode of emmerdale farm, finally there are the harder alternatives, whiskey or sleeping tablets, though not both together as thats dangerous. good luck

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Fri Sep 08, 2006 5:21 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Why does this crack me up?

Anyone who doesn't find that funny obviously hasn't heard his version of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Shatner is of course an inadvertant comedy genius. Perhaps a lesser known oddity is Leonard Nimoy's "Bilbo Baggins" song, which has a video complete with 1960's hula dancers, brilliant.