Something Gross

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Nov 26, 2005 3:22 pm

pina wrote: This must be the funniest thread ever, :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

not quite...that would be "rent help needed" thread. a screamer!!.......... Rent Help Needed ( 1 2 3 ... Last Page ) ..............

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Sat Nov 26, 2005 3:38 pm

Pina, feel better, and I'm glad this thread made your day! :-6

Bridget and Snooze, I'm glad you're enjoying this thread, too. I'm always happy if I can put a smile on someone's face.

Arnold, I will never look at a slice of bread the same way again.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sat Nov 26, 2005 6:42 pm

Nomad wrote: There was a little girl in my class *Karen* I used to pull her hair because I had a crush on her. Anyhoo, one day she had to get in front of the class and read her report on the cotton gin and she peed herself then ran out of the room. I dont really have a point here though.

I was eight months pregnant - standing in line at the grocery store - the urge hit me strong so I asked where the bathroom was - the clerk said it would be just a couple of seconds to finish up with the woman in front of me. Two minutes later I pissed my pants in line - it was not just a little bit - it soaked my pants and made a huge puddle on the floor. It gave a whole new meaning to clean-up on aisle nine.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sat Nov 26, 2005 6:45 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: You could have claimed your water broke and then made a quick getaway.:sneaky:

Dang - I wish I'd thought of that. :-5

kumininexile · Post by **kumininexile** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 1:34 am

O.K., here we go...

Somewhere in ForumGarden, I posted another lengthy story a long time ago about an incident that happened to me as a result of my taking the antidepressant, Zoloft. Zoloft has a nasty side effect of making some people who take it **** like a goose...or maybe I should say a gorilla. But anyway, this story should go over well, since they're as many Brits reading these posts as there are.

I was visiting London for the first time in my life, (what a great way to make a good impression! I was really starting off on the right foot! Was this good diplomacy or what?!!) while taking this damned Zoloft. I had been bopping around the Houses of Parliament, when I started having to take one of my atomic shits. I had actually planned on seeing the inside of Westminster Abbey, but when I saw how long the line to get in was, I realized I'd better can that idea and find a bathroom pronto instead. Well, there's an interim happy ending to this story in that, unlike on other occasions, I made it to a nearby bathroom before having completely shat myself. But...

Wouldn't you just know it? No toilet paper. I think I actually had a handkerchief in my pocket. DO NOT ask me why I didn't use that instead, and simply throw the thing away afterwards.

Any ordinary idiot with even a morsel of sense in his head would have stuck his tail between his legs, (an expression. Dogs do this.), and have beaten a hasty retreat back to the hotel where he was staying to put on clean clothes, before doing anymore touristing around. Not me, though...I thought I could get away with simply pulling my pants up and continuing on with my plan to see Churchill's War Rooms next.

Well, to make a long story even longer, (pun here,) it was while I was making my way through that maze of underground corridors, (ventilation?) that I realized this wasn't working afterall.

Let's face it; there's always been a reason why the place was built as a bomb shelter...

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 5:55 am

We were in our late teens early twenties.There was this guy Joe. He was always around and doing odd stuff. He was helping me move and the last trip was a few things from the freezer and my motorcycle. He was on the back and I came to a stoplight and I heard some crunching behind me. (((crunch crunch.....crunch crunch crunch))) We had smoked a joint and Joe had the munchies......as God as my witness he was eating frozen brussels sprouts on the back of my bike like they were potato chips.

So he ended up crashing on the couch at my apt. and when I woke up in the morning I used the bathroom and I noticed a wet dollar bill hanging on the shower curtain rod. I hadnt unpacked so there was no toilet paper. He wiped himself with the bill and he said it was his last dollar so he washed it and hung it up to dry.

I wonder what ever happened to Joe ?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:03 am

Valerie100 wrote: Woolfy and Snooze, I was unpacking the car and bringing the groceries in. The top of my entertainment stand had room for groceries, so I set bags there while I was getting everything into the house from the car. The cats obviously knocked the plastic bag with the chicken and imitation crab meat in it down behind the entertainment center when I was unloading the car.

Imitation crab meat.

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 9:57 am

While we're on the topic of shites, and I've never told anyone this...

Three years ago, I was living in Philadelphia, PA, and I didn't have a car. I actually wasn't a driver at the time.

I was walking home from the grocery store, loaded down with bags. It was about a seven block walk.

Anyway, my poo-system kicked in really bad. It hit me like a bolt of lightening. There were no stores or gas stations where I was that I could go into. I was walking passed houses, and I was about two blocks from my apartment. Of course, I couldn't walk too fast, because of all the bags I was carrying. I was trying, though.

I was praying to God to let him get me home before anything happened.

Sure enough, I felt like I needed to pass gas, so I did -- only, out everything came. I mean all down in my pants, hot, mushy and gross.

Thankfully, I didn't see anyone that I knew going into my apartment. I got in and went straight into the bathroom.

What a mess! Dirty jeans and underpants to wash out, stinky and all messed up. I jumped right into the shower with everything, clothes in there and all, and washed myself and everything. Then I had a dirty tub to clean out.

It was so bad. When nature calls, sometimes it can be an explosion!

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 2:43 pm

Valerie100....you're the best appetite suppressor going! :wah:

*remind myself not to read her posts before suppertime*

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:18 pm

Glad to help!

kumininexile · Post by **kumininexile** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:49 am

This is a new, "gross," entry. It's amazing that I've had this problem for almost forty years now.

It must have been when I was around 14 or 15 that I developed this chronic problem: my balls/nuts/cookies, (whatever we're going to call them,) started itching all the time. I told my older sister I had this little problem, and responsibly, (not to mention, kindly,) she took me to a doctor. After looking me over, the doctor decided this was due to my going to the bathroom without washing my hands first, thereby irritating my groin area from photographic chemicals I had on my hands. I had recently taken up photography.

Well, the itching never went away and in 1984, I went to see another internist about it. This guy once again took a look at me but told me that the condition I had, (which he pronounced as though it was spelled

h-e-m-a-n-g-i-n-a,) was, "perfectly normal for men," without being anymore specific than that. When I told my psychiatrist what the internist had said, my shrink simply giggled, (without being specific,) and agreed with what the internist had said about this problem being, "normal." Neither one of these two ever explained why they considered this to be so, such as I later deduced on my own: when men jerk off, (play with themselves,) they get cum all over their scrotums when they ejaculate. Over a period of time, this causes the development of a rash which becomes permanent and ITCHES! It has been asked of me, why I haven't simply put on clean underwear and/or washed after each jerking off session I had with myself?

Well, that's a little on the ridiculous side. To begin with, I've never been that hygenic. And on top of that, this idea is impractical: when I was in my 20's, (for example,) I would have been bound to my bedroom if I had changed my underwear after each time in a day I whacked off.

Matters eventually got to the point where I began scratching with a hairbrush. Pretty soon, I'll probably start using a rasp down there. And they say Superman's the guy who's Made Of Steel? Well, watch out for my X-ray vision!

I cannot, for the life of me, remember whether or not the internist I saw in 1984 suggested a remedy, nor can I remember what that remedy was if he suggested one. For a number of years I tried using anti-itch creams and lotions but it was never practical to use these except immediately after a bath. Even then, they didn't deter the itching for any longer than the first couple of minutes after I put them on. I eventually stopped using these remedies because I could see that they were actually contributing to the moisture down there, a factor which makes the itching worse instead of better.

One reason I've never discussed this problem with the internist I currently see is that I've never gotten the impression the woman would be comfortable discussing such a thing. But another reason I've got is a silly one: I'm no longer sure how much I want to solve this problem. Know why? Well, frankly, it's because of the gratification I get from scratching with that hairbrush.

Think orgasm is great? Sweetie pie, you ain't seen nuthin' yet! I'm telling you, there is nothing better in this Universe than scratching your itchy nuts! It puts you in Heaven!

I've heard from female friends that women get genital itching too, though presumably from a different cause. Unfortunately in your cases, it's anatomically ill-advisable for you to do what I do. Such a shame. I feel so sorry for you poor girls. You don't know what nirvana is.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:48 am

Do you use the hairbrush on your head also??? :sneaky:

You know that stuff you thought was dandruff.............??? :p

Ewwwwwwwwwww.............................................:wah:

It reminds me of the time my friend had her little nephew to stay.

She caught him one morning, cleaning the toilet with her toothbrush.

She told him off and threw the toothbrush away.

It was only later she found he'd been cleaning her loo all that week with her toothbrush!!!

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :wah:

On a more sober note - genital itching is one of the side effects of diabetes!

Get it checked out!

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:51 am

Nomad wrote: We were in our late teens early twenties.There was this guy Joe. He was always around and doing odd stuff. He was helping me move and the last trip was a few things from the freezer and my motorcycle. He was on the back and I came to a stoplight and I heard some crunching behind me. (((crunch crunch.....crunch crunch crunch))) We had smoked a joint and Joe had the munchies......as God as my witness he was eating frozen brussels sprouts on the back of my bike like they were potato chips.

So he ended up crashing on the couch at my apt. and when I woke up in the morning I used the bathroom and I noticed a wet dollar bill hanging on the shower curtain rod. I hadnt unpacked so there was no toilet paper. He wiped himself with the bill and he said it was his last dollar so he washed it and hung it up to dry.

I wonder what ever happened to Joe ?

ROFLMFAO!!!!!

This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever heard!!!! I PMSL!!! :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:00 am

:wah: Hahahahaha this sure has been one hell of a funny thread!! u guys are all so honest with your stories, it really takes courage to admit to some of these things, so for that I salute u.

But seriously hahahahaha :wah: Oh I need a lie down!!

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:16 am

Oh I hadn't even noticed that this was such an old thread, I thought that it was recent.

I'm sure Valerie100 has her reasons for not being here anymore, hopefully the subject matter of this thread has nothing to do with it!! :p

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:21 am

I shut off the computer... went to get dressed for work.. started laughing. and had to come back here. I lived with a man for years who reguarly had incidences of irritable bowel syndrome that would lesd to accidents in his underwear. I was very sympathetic until he started to leave the "messes" on the laundry pile.. where it could be seen. Little by little... I found it difficult to feel attracted to him. One day my son( who didnt like this guy anyway... saw the smeared crotch of his undies on the pile. He said" For crying out loud mom.. your living with a man who shits in his pants!!!!!" Things were never the same after that. I knew John was right. From then on.. whenever I saw the smeared underwear... I refused to pick them up. Id kick them across the room... pick them up with a stick and fling them unto his side of the room. Romantic huh? Well finally the dirty underwear showed up so often... that I began to think that what he was saying was really... "**** on you!" Subtle messages huh? Needless to say I left. But I will be laughing all day because of remembering this story. I wish I could have thought of it when being broken up with him made me sad...... Thank You

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:36 am

It is very possible... hes been known to do this. now Im really Lmao...........

kumininexile · Post by **kumininexile** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:43 am

No, Rapunzel, I don't use the same hairbrush on my head. I don't use any hairbrush at all up there; just a comb.

Also, thank you for reminding me that genital itching is a symptom of diabetes. I have diabetes. I was diagnosed with it in 1994, but was borderline diabetic for many years before then.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 8:58 am

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl this thread was hilarious.

911 · Post by **911** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 10:57 am

Until today, I had never seen this thread before. I spit coffee all over my keyboard, nearly chocked to death trying not to laugh out loud and giggled on the radio. Thanks guys, but I'm using you as evidence when I get fired.

OK, here's my story. I had two cats, both house cats. Coolin loved to sit in the window or in front of the door, he just loved to look outside. He didn't want to go outside, just look. He was a big baby and one of the sweetest cats I have ever know.

There was a mean ole Tom cat that prowled the neighborhood and used to sit at my mailbox and growl and hiss and dare me to get the mail. I finally took to taking a glass of water with me and dumping it on him to make him leave.

One day Coolin was sitting at the front door, looking out the screen door, eyes glazed over and in another world. That Tom cat walked up to the screen door

and stood in front of Coolin.

It took a few seconds for Coolins eyes to adjust and him come back to reality. When he saw that cat it literally scared the sh** out of him. He turned around ,sh** all over the screen and went and hid under the bed. That Tom cat got a face full of filtered feces and never came back.

Have you ever tried to clean poo from a screen door? It ain't easy.

It took Coolin a long time to get the nerve up to sit in front of the screen door again.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:11 am

awww poor kitty. That mean tom cat got what he deserved.