His post made me tear up because it's pretty much where I'm at now.
I've had depression & anxiety since around 1998 when I came out as a gay man. The gossip hound of the food distribution warehouse that I worked in made sure EVERYONE (200+) people (mostly men) knew about it.
Soon, there were crudely drawn pics of me in various gay sexual acts on the bathroom walls, on the picnic table we used at break time and other places. There was also the near constant snickering, jokes and snide comments.
I thought I was tough emotionally and could handle all this bull sh*t but in less than a year I found out otherwise. I was 29 years old & had never been truly depressed or had anxiety before. I didn't even know what those were!
I absolutely dreaded going to work. It took all my will power just to walk into the building. I felt like I was about to cry at any moment and could not take any type of criticism without feeling terrible. Meetings were terrible. If there was laughter (and there always was) my mind kept telling me that soon the laughter would be directed at me. My anxiety went through the roof. I remember one time during an especially bad panic attack ...getting up, walking to the bathroom and just standing there. I had to get out of that meeting and that room. Of course, walking back into the room a few minutes later wasn't fun.
My anxiety and depression got really bad and I couldn't go to work. I just couldn't. I took emergency personal time off so I didn't get fired. I mostly just stayed home, freaked out and watched the clock slowly tick the seconds and minutes by. It was hell. I remember the worst thing being how slowly time went by. I ended up in the HR directors office trying to talk but just crying... not knowing what was wrong with me. Ugh... that sucked!
I finally had to quit work. I couldn't do it anymore. 11 years of service at a great paying job... down the drain.
I eventually saw a shrink and was prescribed zoloft and buspar. It helped get me out of the major depression but I never "fixed" the underlying issues that caused the depression and anxiety. I hated the sexual side effects that SSRIs have on me. Sex is pretty important evidently. Let's see... do I want to feel better or do I want to have sex? With SSRIs, it is one or the other... not both.
Over the last decade or so I've been self medicating with alcohol. Not good, I know but it really helped my social anxiety. Before my coming out at work, I hated alcohol of any kind. I rarely drank. However, I've slowly worked my way up to drinking 1/2 gallon of vodka a week by myself at home.
That's the history... now the recent...
Everything was going as good as can be expected. I've not felt really happy or comfortable in my skin since I quit work but I haven't had a major depressive episode. So, I figured that's a good thing.
About a week ago I had a panic attack in my sleep. Scary scary stuff. When I've had panic attacks in the past (grocery store, family gatherings etc) I've avoided the situations that cause them. Well, I can't avoid SLEEP! :-5
I thought it was just anxiety because I've been so hyped up and crazy feeling. I can't sit still most of the time. I'm constantly thinking about stupid things... thoughts racing. My chest gets all tight and "hot", time passes super slow and I wake up over and over when I try to sleep.
I went to the local clinic yesterday. They are kind of a last resort type of place that people go when they don't have insurance or a lot of money. Needless to say, the care isn't top notch. Heck, it's barely adequate! :-3
They attempted to do an EKG for some reason but the stickers wouldn't stick on my hairy chest. It was almost comical. Instead of shaving me the nurse kept trying to get them to stick and making the EKG machine work. Finally she got the machine to print something out. The doc came soon after and told me she didn't trust the machines findings because it was showing that I had a heart attack!
That's not something you tell someone with anxiety! I should have demanded that they do EKG to be sure but I really wanted to get the heck out of there.
She gave me a script for 15 .25 mg of alprazolam. They help at night but I'm still waking up many times and I'm hopelessly stuck in this incredibly deep "funk". I fear being alone so my significant other has been calling in sick at work to be with me. I'm so glad I have him. We've been together for 11 years!
I'm almost done... I promise!
During the last decade on a few occasions, I've bought antidepressants from the internet when I've felt depression coming on. I research them thoroughly before taking them. I know dosages and side effects better than if I got these from a doctor. I currently have 30 Effexor XR 75 that I didn't take. Should I start taking these myself or go see a real doctor (expensive and anxiety inducing) and have a doc write me a script for whatever drug he thinks is best?
I need to feel better ASAP. I can't stress that enough. ASAP! I can't take much more of this depression.
