Really needing advice

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:28 pm

I was raised seeing my parents fight all the time, he beat my mother almost daily and then he turned his attention to me and my sister sexually, mentally and physically abusing us. I am now 40 years old and he is dead but I still remember. I have been in a relationship..living with someone for seven years, first two were good then he started getting dominating, calling all the time to know my whereabouts and I felt like a slave, I am also late deafened and have been deaf for five years now, He has made me feel stupid and worthless so much, but when were in front of people he puts on a great show as this really loving guy. I got to the point I didnt want him touching me, he never hit me but the things he said hurt me so bad, one nite I told him I felt as if I were living in the past like I grew up and it was really bothering me....I sat on the edge of the bed and told him about my father, the abuse, how it made me feel, and he listened...he told me he fully understood and he was sorry....that nite I got the best nite sleep. The next day he went to work and only called once....it was nice....he came home and we had dinner and everything felt good....we went to bed and he tried to touch me...I told him I really wasnt ready yet....he forced it on me. After he was done, he rolled over and went to sleep as I laid in bed crying. The next day I avoided going to bed but he picked a fight and I ended up going to bed just to ease the fighting, once again he forced himself on me....and I cried. This happened for three nites....I packed everything up of mine and left. I was gone for seven months, and he kept coming around, everyone even my own mother told me I was wrong for leaving, I had no support and lost my job and me and my two boys from previous marriage moved back with him.......The whole seven months I was away he never tried one time to put moves on me, he was fully supportive, and pampered me....I thought he realized he made a mistake.....two weeks after coming home he is back to his old self and trying to put moves on me....He tells me he didnt rape me, he tells me its all in my head because of my past, he tells me that he isnt dominating me....I get about 10 calls from him each day while hes at work and he tells me he loves me, I make his day bright, he calls me beautiful...but he cant leave me alone and that is the only thing I have asked him to do over and over....leave me alone sexually and let me heal....I dont know honestly if I can ever feel good about him loving me ever again....I feel he betrayed me in the worst way ever....am I wrong to feel this way....I need to know I'm not crazy.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:40 pm

Welcome to FG.

Read this: http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showt ... c+violence

I hope you stick around, there's lots of help to be had here. You'd be surprised.

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:42 pm

Thanks I have this bookmarked, I really need any advice I can get...I feel so trapped:(

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:48 pm

Wuva wrote: ...I feel so trapped:(
Believe me, I know you do. The best thing is, you're not.

venus · Post by **venus** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:48 pm

Remember you are in control of yourself and he of himself....

You are the master of your own destiny and if you want out, then take those steps...

No one is your master or controller other than you..

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:53 pm

You are trapped he is a class "A" abuser, he makes you feel dependant upon him, along with worthless and that only he is capable of loving you. He makes you feel bad for your own insecurities, all the while yanking you up and down with good and bad feelings. It is a typical abuse cycle, abuse does not have to be physical. he is looking to control you and that is typical abuse. Get out and seek help, there has to be womens shelters and aid. Please keep in touch with us if you are really wanting out we will offer all the encouragement we can. You are not crazy, you quite simply have come to realize the danger you are in.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:05 pm

Wuva wrote: Thanks I have this bookmarked, I really need any advice I can get...I feel so trapped:(

Welcome aboard Wuva. Sorry to hear about your circumstances but do listen to these women here. Their advice comes from the heart and from experience. Please take heed for your own sake and safety.:-4

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:12 pm

You know, reading this just totally pissed me off. I'd like to have about 30 minutes alone with this guy! And your mother thought you were stupid for leaving him? Like she would get mother of the year for letting her kids see her get beat, letting him molest her kids, etc.! I wish I could give you my anger so that when you deal with him he'd understand that you mean business. It IS rape, no means no whether you are single or married. You survived 7 months without him. That shows you can do it. Why are you still there?

Southern Belle · Post by **Southern Belle** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:18 pm

Find and visit your local abused woman's shelter. They'll help you.

Remember, you do have options. And just 'cause it happened to you, doesn't mean you're responsible or that you're defective.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:18 pm

I'm glad Peg dropped into this thread, (as I knew she would), and I'd like you to take particular note of her sig line. Wise words, there.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:19 pm

:yh_hugs Like Peg said, you left him for seven months and survived. You can do it again if you want to.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:37 pm

Hunny, get out now before its too late. Do it for your kids if not for yourself!

Thats not a healthy relationship for them to see, it WILL colour their lives.

You've got your kids and you've got us for support, now pack a bag and get going.

PS Leave your mobile behind. You dont need him phoning you all the time, he's draining your energy and your positiveness! Go Girl!

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:40 pm

I was also raised in the same type of environment you describe. I swore I would never raise my kids in that type of environment, but unfortunately, did raise my daughter with an alcoholic for 4 years of her life. The first time he hit me after she was born, I was outta there!! I never went back. Sure, I had separated from him other times. I also got to the point that I cringed when he touched me. It was like, "Go ahead & get it over with so I can go to sleep." That is NO WAY to live!! I got my own place (with my daughter) & it was SUCH A RELIEF to know I was NEVER going back to that abuse!! I never had to worry or wonder again. I've been single now for 14 years. But I wouldn't trade it, if it meant going back into an abusive relationship. I'm happy with ME! And I & my daughter come first.

You have to feel good about you. Care about you. Love you. It took me many years. But compliments were my strongest healer. I finally figured out that not EVERYBODY can be lying! Know that you are worth so much more than being treated like that. And these people are right. There are several types of abuse. Verbal & emotional abuse can be just as bad, if not sometimes worse.

My advice, think about how you felt when you were on your own. Didn't you feel good? Some peace in your life, finally? My mom also thought I should give it another try, after telling me for years to get rid of him. Too many other people were telling me not to stay. I listened to them & to my heart.

This above all else: to thine own self be true.

Valerie100 · Post by **Valerie100** » Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:04 pm

When are these men going to get it -- no means no!!! I don't care who you are. Even if it's a hooker off of a street corner, if she is saying, "No," guess what? That means no. And if he advances further, he is guilty of rape. Women are not property. We are human beings, dammit!

You know what else? With all that you have been through with your family, you know what and how it seems and feels to you. Trust yourself. If it feels like he is forcing himself on you, then he is forcing himself on you. If you're not welcoming him with open arms, then he should know better, and he is committing rape.

You are in your absolute right to leave him, regardless of what your famliy says. Only you know what you will and will not put up with -- relationships are about two people, not just him and his needs.

Ever hear of a woman's intuition? It's almost always right on. Trust it. It's there to help you as a woman preserve your own life and to protect yourself. What is your inner voice and gut telling you about this situation? Are you feeling panicked, scared, etc.? Listen to your inner voice and your intuition.

I would definitely, if I were you, get to a therapist. You're going to need a lot of it. You probably have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder right now, if I'm right about you, or you have been dealing with it for quite some time. This happens to people who have had incest problems in their families and/or who have gone through other life-threatening, startling and traumatic events. Also, Women Against Abuse might be able to help you with getting away from him and getting therapy.

Drop me a line in a private Email if you want to or need to talk further. I'm a good listener, and I've been through some stuff of my own.

Good luck!

Bothwell · Post by **Bothwell** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:18 am

Wuva its a classic control case, hence the reassuring calls 10 times a day to make sure he still has you, as has already been said get out if you can. The reduction of your own self worth by this man is as bad or worse than the physical abuse, by doing this he is ensuring that you will stay, so dont. You are your own human being, a mum and have as much right to freedom from this crap as anyone.

Forget family advice they don't have to live with it day to day like you do, and yes I would agree what has taken place is rape, Valerie is right No means NO.

I hope you can get out, it's very easy for us to offer advice from out here in cyberspace but not so easy when you are the one involved, good luck

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:04 am

it's very easy for us to offer advice from out here in cyberspace but not so easy when you are the one involved

Very true, but you have already experienced the high you get from the relief. How great it is not to answer to someone who treats you like a piece of property to be owned. You'll end up wondering why you didn't do it sooner.

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:40 am

HI there

Im so sorry to hear about your situation. You must be an amazingly strong person to have come this far and still try to see the good in him.

I would recommend that you take all your courage and get out. I think that your instincts are screaming at you to leave. It will take courage and determination and support from friends.

Remember you can control your own life and at the end of the day you are the only person who can really make a difference in your life.

He sounds like a nightmare of a person, a user and an abuser.

I wish you all the best and hope you can make a decision that's right for you.

Jen

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:46 pm

Wuva, it has been said before and it NEEDS to be said again.

GET HELP

GET OUT!!

I cannot stress enough. YOUR CHILDREN WILL LEARN IT IS OK TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT! or worse, they will do it. If you do love him and you feel "wrong" for wanting to leave just think about it this way "This is for my children. I WILL teach them that it is not ok to be abused. I will make sure that the abuse stops with me. I will not let my children become the victim or the abuser" YOU have to break the cycle. Because you were an abuse victim you are easier to accept this behavior, despite the fact that you know it is wrong.

GET HELP

GET OUT

BREAK THE CYCLE

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:23 am

TenneseeGirl wrote: Wuva, it has been said before and it NEEDS to be said again.

GET HELP

GET OUT!!

I cannot stress enough. YOUR CHILDREN WILL LEARN IT IS OK TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT! or worse, they will do it. If you do love him and you feel "wrong" for wanting to leave just think about it this way "This is for my children. I WILL teach them that it is not ok to be abused. I will make sure that the abuse stops with me. I will not let my children become the victim or the abuser" YOU have to break the cycle. Because you were an abuse victim you are easier to accept this behavior, despite the fact that you know it is wrong.

GET HELP

GET OUT

BREAK THE CYCLE

Exactly! Very well-put! That's exactly what I did.

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:58 am

My sister brought me a curves membership to go work out, to help me with my stress level especially, so yesterday I *left* the cell phone at home, and went to work out, it felt soooooooooo good. My friend April met me for lunch, I havent seen her in a long while since I tend to be not allowed my friends and she took me back to her work and they cut and highlighted my hair, I felt beautiful. So just getting out for a couple of hours gave me the strength to go by the womens shelter and talk to a counsler, I am now signed up on a waiting list. I went back to the house and found 10 calls on the answering machine and about the same on the cell phone *ball and chain* from him wondering where I was, and telling me he was taking off work early because he was worried. He walked in the door and I told him I had forgotten my cell phone and he saw my hair, he didnt like it but at this point I dont care, so while he rambled on about how worried he was I slipped my fingers up to my hearing aids and turned them off and just nodded. I didnt tell him about curves, I figured for 30 mins a day I can work out and just tell him Im napping, the membership can be transferred where ever I land....Yesterday was the first day in a long time I did something for me, I cant stop now. The posts here really helped fuel my desire of doing that, Thank you all.

Bothwell · Post by **Bothwell** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:18 am

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I did something for me, I cant stop now.

and nor should you!

Good for you

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:31 am

Please keep us informed as to how it's going!

Day by day you'll get stronger, and in years to come you will look back and wonder why you stayed so long!

Good Luck

:-4

observer1 · Post by **observer1** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:03 am

Wuva, I'm so proud of you!!! You can do this, girl!!!

*obs gives Wuva a big bear hug!*:yh_hugs

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:00 pm

That's a step in the right direction Wuva. As you can see, we're all behind you here. I liked the bit about you turning off your hearing aid. Brilliant!:-6

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:24 pm

Way to go WUVA! Thats what you should be doing. And we are all proud of you! if you need anything else you know where we are

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:10 pm

A waiting list at the women's shelter?:-2 :-5

Keep going wuva. Don't stop now!:-6

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:29 pm

Hey, great progress so far, keep it up!!! :yh_clap

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:38 pm

I didn't read anything but the last thread. Somehow, I think that's best. Throwing some male support your way, Wuva! :-6

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:32 pm

Thanks all, yeah Ive contacted three shelters so far and they all have waiting lists. I have no where else to go so its my best option, they can help me get things I need and a restraining order if it comes to that.

Im not giving up till I wake up alone and smile with ease!

G-man · Post by **G-man** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:55 pm

Good for you, Wuva!

You're definitely heading in the right direction!

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:01 pm

Update...

Two days ago I went to my parents house and had a heart to heart with my dad, he has always seem to side with guy Im with and I told him how that made me feel, I spoke up and told him how I felt and the things I go through....I am welcome to come back home anytime now with full support.

Last nite while sitting at the table the guy Im with brought up Thanksgiving, and everything inside of me cringed. I broke down. I told him I wanted to leave, I wanted to end the relationship, and I wanted to be able to be happy again. I expected him to really get mad and scream, he didnt. He sat talking to me telling me how he loves taking care of me, and he said I am only trying to run away from myself. I buckled, and just hushed up. He's at work now, and my kids at school and I cant stop crying, I cant seem to move....I feel so lost. I still want out. He is coming home now and I dont know if I can handle him trying to convince me more that Im making a mistake. I am going to belive what I feel in my heart is right, and I am going to tell him if he loves me at all, he needs to let me go...holding me against my will is not going to ever win me over.

I just needed to talk to someone and no one is available so hope you guys dont mind me rambling here.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:44 pm

Ramble away, it helps.

Do what YOU want to do. Nobody here can tell you what to do, but we are here to support you.

:yh_hugs :yh_hugs

booradley · Post by **booradley** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:44 pm

Wuva wrote: I was raised seeing my parents fight all the time, he beat my mother almost daily and then he turned his attention to me and my sister sexually, mentally and physically abusing us. I am now 40 years old and he is dead but I still remember. I have been in a relationship..living with someone for seven years, first two were good then he started getting dominating, calling all the time to know my whereabouts and I felt like a slave, I am also late deafened and have been deaf for five years now, He has made me feel stupid and worthless so much, but when were in front of people he puts on a great show as this really loving guy. I got to the point I didnt want him touching me, he never hit me but the things he said hurt me so bad, one nite I told him I felt as if I were living in the past like I grew up and it was really bothering me....I sat on the edge of the bed and told him about my father, the abuse, how it made me feel, and he listened...he told me he fully understood and he was sorry....that nite I got the best nite sleep. The next day he went to work and only called once....it was nice....he came home and we had dinner and everything felt good....we went to bed and he tried to touch me...I told him I really wasnt ready yet....he forced it on me. After he was done, he rolled over and went to sleep as I laid in bed crying. The next day I avoided going to bed but he picked a fight and I ended up going to bed just to ease the fighting, once again he forced himself on me....and I cried. This happened for three nites....I packed everything up of mine and left. I was gone for seven months, and he kept coming around, everyone even my own mother told me I was wrong for leaving, I had no support and lost my job and me and my two boys from previous marriage moved back with him.......The whole seven months I was away he never tried one time to put moves on me, he was fully supportive, and pampered me....I thought he realized he made a mistake.....two weeks after coming home he is back to his old self and trying to put moves on me....He tells me he didnt rape me, he tells me its all in my head because of my past, he tells me that he isnt dominating me....I get about 10 calls from him each day while hes at work and he tells me he loves me, I make his day bright, he calls me beautiful...but he cant leave me alone and that is the only thing I have asked him to do over and over....leave me alone sexually and let me heal....I dont know honestly if I can ever feel good about him loving me ever again....I feel he betrayed me in the worst way ever....am I wrong to feel this way....I need to know I'm not crazy.

wait till he's asleep and smack him uside the head with heavy pan.

TenneseeGirl · Post by **TenneseeGirl** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:37 am

Wuva wrote: Update...

Two days ago I went to my parents house and had a heart to heart with my dad, he has always seem to side with guy Im with and I told him how that made me feel, I spoke up and told him how I felt and the things I go through....I am welcome to come back home anytime now with full support.

Last nite while sitting at the table the guy Im with brought up Thanksgiving, and everything inside of me cringed. I broke down. I told him I wanted to leave, I wanted to end the relationship, and I wanted to be able to be happy again. I expected him to really get mad and scream, he didnt. He sat talking to me telling me how he loves taking care of me, and he said I am only trying to run away from myself. I buckled, and just hushed up. He's at work now, and my kids at school and I cant stop crying, I cant seem to move....I feel so lost. I still want out. He is coming home now and I dont know if I can handle him trying to convince me more that Im making a mistake. I am going to belive what I feel in my heart is right, and I am going to tell him if he loves me at all, he needs to let me go...holding me against my will is not going to ever win me over.

I just needed to talk to someone and no one is available so hope you guys dont mind me rambling here.

GET OUT

GET HELP

BREAK THE CYCLE

Wuva. Of course he is going to tell you how much he loves you and how big a mistake your making. HE IS LOSING CONTROLL! Once he gets that back you will return to the i am afraid of my boyfriend mind frame. And the cycle will start over again. I can not even imagine the psychological BS this boy is pulling but i stick to what i said before

GET OUT

GET HELP

BREAK THE CYCLE

You will probably need some counceling after this relationship so that you do not go out and find the same relationship again. And if the guilt demon comes back to you tell him to screw off because you are doing this for your kids not yourself!

GET OUT

GET HELP

BREAK THE CYCLE

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:43 am

I stuck to my guns and told him I wanted to leave. He suggested he go stay in hotel a week and give me a break, and if I still want to leave he wants me to stay and help fix up the house to sell it....he knows i put my heart into the house...I think he isnt in position to sell it and give me any thing from it, he is trying to delay whats happening. I am going to start packing more. I am going to stay strong this time...thanks for the support its truly helping.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sat Nov 19, 2005 10:46 am

Wuva wrote: I stuck to my guns and told him I wanted to leave. He suggested he go stay in hotel a week and give me a break, and if I still want to leave he wants me to stay and help fix up the house to sell it....he knows i put my heart into the house...I think he isnt in position to sell it and give me any thing from it, he is trying to delay whats happening. I am going to start packing more. I am going to stay strong this time...thanks for the support its truly helping.

Good Luck again!!!

The house stuff is a delaying tactic, mine tried it with me, I walked and didn't think my ex could afford to buy me out, but he's managing to do it somehow.

Have you had some advice from a lawyer?

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 6:13 am

I'm a little confused... what are the property laws in Texas? He owns the house on his own even though you are married?

And who is this person that you call your 'dad'. I thought your father passed away? Jeez louise...get the heck away from these men! Run, don't walk.

And screw fixing up the house. If it wasn't good enough to fix up when you lived there, for yourselves, then it's not good enough to fix up for someone else. Sell it and be done!

missy987 · Post by **missy987** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 11:40 am

I dont know how you cope. I am a rape victim myself, but have never told anyone apart from my ex boyfriend. He thinks Im crazy and that I need serious help, but I dont want anyone finding out, I feel so ashamed and worthless.

Kathy · Post by **Kathy** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:06 pm

missy987 wrote: I dont know how you cope. I am a rape victim myself, but have never told anyone apart from my ex boyfriend. He thinks Im crazy and that I need serious help, but I dont want anyone finding out, I feel so ashamed and worthless.

YOU NEED TO GET HELP

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:10 pm

Wuva wrote: I stuck to my guns and told him I wanted to leave. He suggested he go stay in hotel a week and give me a break, and if I still want to leave he wants me to stay and help fix up the house to sell it....he knows i put my heart into the house...I think he isnt in position to sell it and give me any thing from it, he is trying to delay whats happening. I am going to start packing more. I am going to stay strong this time...thanks for the support its truly helping.
I'm so glad you can see that.

sherry · Post by **sherry** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:17 pm

I've heard that many woman have had that experience before snooze. I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Wuva · Post by **Wuva** » Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:50 pm

ubetta wrote: I'm a little confused... what are the property laws in Texas? He owns the house on his own even though you are married?

And who is this person that you call your 'dad'. I thought your father passed away? Jeez louise...get the heck away from these men! Run, don't walk.

And screw fixing up the house. If it wasn't good enough to fix up when you lived there, for yourselves, then it's not good enough to fix up for someone else. Sell it and be done!

Not married...lived with for 7 years...technically could be common law...dad that I refer to now is my step dad...he is the closest thing to a real father Ive ever had...house isnt bad at all....its just him delaying.