What to do with my 18 yr old

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:04 am

I don't even know what to title this as, but I am desperately looking for help. 2 months ago, we (mutual decision by the ex and myself) agreed, we had to disallow our 18 year old to live with either of us. She was disruptive, abusive, disrespectful, and generally unbearable. She wanted adult privledges with no consequences. We told her she had to move out. Today during a meeting at work I took a phone call from her, she has no money, she is job hunting she is in a terrible state. I had to cut her call off, it broke me apart. I can't cry at work, I have to keep work and personal issues apart. Anyway she had managed to email me and told me she has not eaten in 4 days, she is staying with a friend who has lent her a bit of money for the bus so she can job hunt. I want her back so badly, so terribly bad, however it will kill her younger sister, and the 3 of us just can't function together. I don't know where to give into. I ache so deep in my heart over this all. My whole self is screaming do not give in, do not take her back because the long term damage will be horrible as it was before, yet as a mother and a compassionate person this eats me up. I know if she could just get a job she would feel way way better. Oh geeze I am stumped. I guess really I only needed to vent.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:11 am

Far Rider wrote: Hey now!

You did the right thing... be pateint, let her come home for a good mael and a warm bed, then check her attitude! depending on what you hear and know about her attitude...tell her your terms, and stick to them. set deadlines, or out she goes again. You did it once you can do it again!

You wait to see how humbled she is!

Keep your chin up!

Im praying for you!

Thanks Far, can you give me a band aid for my hurtin heart.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:12 am

As the mother of two daughters, ages 19 and 18, I understand where you are coming from. I have no advice to offer because I have no idea what I would do were I in your situation. I guess I just wanted to offer you a hug. :yh_hugs

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:29 am

I think Far's advise is very good. Not easy to do, but you have already started out on that track with what you and your ex decided upon. Be strong. You will hurt either way and this route is worth persuing to it's conclusion. It's the advise that is being handed out these days as the way to a successful ending.

I've been there -- and it is not easy. My sister and others called me an enabler. I didn't start out where you are beginning. It came later.

My prayers will be with you all.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:31 am

LilacDragon wrote: As the mother of two daughters, ages 19 and 18, I understand where you are coming from. I have no advice to offer because I have no idea what I would do were I in your situation. I guess I just wanted to offer you a hug. :yh_hugs

thanks so much lil, it means a lot

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:32 am

SOJOURNER wrote: I think Far's advise is very good. Not easy to do, but you have already started out on that track with what you and your ex decided upon. Be strong. You will hurt either way and this route is worth persuing to it's conclusion. It's the advise that is being handed out these days as the way to a successful ending.

I've been there -- and it is not easy. My sister and others called me an enabler. I didn't start out where you are beginning. It came later.

My prayers will be with you all.

Thank you sojo, I am hanging in there and I know it will be all tears when I see her tontie.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:36 am

Far Rider wrote: How about I fly up and stand shoulder to shoulder with you... we'll make sure she gets your rules and then we can get drunk for real like good ol drinkin buddies!:D

Chin up!!!! :yh_flower

Far I am afraid of things happening like before, the youngest is thriving now with just her and I. She has improved in school, and attitude. She has set goals. I don't want this disrupted, I fear for my safety and hers as the oldest was physically abusive to us both, I fear she will fall back into the come and go as she pleases route, and won't keep a job and cost me big bucks again. I thing I will keep her for a couple days at home then let her go after some serious discussion on how to live on her own.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:46 am

what a terrible dilemma...you love your daughters but cannot compromise your safety or the other child you must protect. i know you have to feel you need solomon-like wisdom. i wish you all the best, and let us know how it works out. that whole tough-love concept makes sense until you have to face the situation. it must be very painful.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:11 pm

Minks, I feel for ya. Since I don't have kids I'll never be in that position, so my tough love speech will not only echo Far's, but echo a little false. If we were talking about some nameless faceless somebody, I'd say get it all in writing and signed.

Big warm hug comin to ya!! :yh_hugs

pina · Post by **pina** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:15 pm

I can't guess at what your going through, it must be awful, my heart goes out to you Minks. Sorry I don't have any advice except do what you feel is right. Thats the best any mother can do. :yh_hugs:yh_hugs

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:19 pm

Good Luck Minks, stay strong, she'll respect you in the end.

It isn't called 'Tough Love' for nothing!!

:yh_hugs :yh_hugs

scotty · Post by **scotty** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:32 pm

Sorry to hear that Minks, I`m going through similar probs with my oldest lad, it really does feel like banging your head against a wall :-5 , what do you do when they wont listen to reason.

What also gets me is the lack of respect, hopefully time will heal, and she will change.

All the best

Scott

Gabs · Post by **Gabs** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:37 pm

Check into the Salvation Army or the YWCA.. they can give her a place to stay and meals ... she needs to work this out on her own.. I know that it is tough...but you must take care of the other daughter and her needs first and foremost... then you need to take care of you... Tough Love is just that TOUGH, but hang in there, you won't be sorry you did.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:38 pm

Minks, your post made me very sad although i dont have children i can imagine what you are feeling right now. :-1

Why not take her back on a weekly or even daily basis? you do have the advantage in the situation, as you have already told her to leave once so she knows that you mean business.

Have a chat with your other daughter and explain the situation to her, if you can get her agreement on letting your elder daughter to come home she wont feel any resentment towards her.

Good luck, you're a good person so i'm sure that you'll make the right decision. x :yh_hugs

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:21 pm

Ahhh you guys bless you all, my god I can't even cry my tears out today. My thanks to every one of you guys. I will keep you posted.

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:50 pm

We had a similar situation. Boy, not girl. He was invited for dinner (cured the 'I have no food' thing) and helped us to keep in touch and let him know we were there. I must say, it didn't do all that much during the time, but he did end up straightening himself out later on. We didn't 'invite' him back to live with us even on a trial basis...we knew he wasn't ready, hadn't hit his bottom yet. He's older now and he has said he didn't feel abandoned and has apologized for his behavior.

Hang in there. If you can swing it, try and just invite her over for family time, private time with you, whatever, but keep it 'surface'. Just so she knows you are there.

The very best to all of you!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:43 pm

OUCH Minks - you are between the rock and the hard place. I have to wonder though if she would prefer your rules or the military's rules? Everyone has had some good suggestions and advice. Be sure you draw a line in the dirt if your heart wins the battle...I'll be thinking of you. :-4

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:00 pm

I would definatly take fars advice, she has called needing help, she may have an attitude change. You did the right thing in asking her to leave but you need to keep your door open and help her since she has come back asking. Give her the rules and if she breaks them she's out again, like I think Gabs said she knows you mean buisiness.

You also will feel better in yourself knowing you are doing all you can for her, you have been an amazing Mother to be able to stand so strong in your first decision, Let us know how thing go.

:yh_hugs :yh_hugs

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:08 pm

Ah, Minks, I don't know what to say since it wasn't so long ago that I was a semi-homeless 18 year old myself, except that it took some pretty bad experiences to appreciate my home and my family. I think if and when you're ready to take her in again you'll know. In the meantime, ramen noodles cost .16 a brick and rice is even cheaper...maybe a care package? It's what my mom did for me.

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 3:44 pm

Minks, My heart goes out to you. After reading your post I thought I wrote it! We went through the same thing that you are going through now with our daughter, years ago. She use to call home with her sob stories of no money or food too. My heart was crushed and I told my husband that we are bringing her home! We retrieved her from where she was, brought her home, sat her down and laid out the house rules while she was back. BIG MISTAKE!

Her attitude was worse then it was before she left. She felt that as long as she didn't eat a thing in our home, she didn't have to wash dishes. She didn't do her laundry. Walk past her bedroom and it just smelled. She'd party all night and sleep till 4pm.

One morning I told her to wake up, get showered and dressed...you are looking for a job today. I took her around until see landed one. Since she didn't have a car, I took her faithfully to her job on a daily basis. One night, my husband said we should take a ride to see if she is at work. Well guess what? We didn't see her there so I inquired as to where she was. They told me she hadn't worked but a few days. So, here I am, dropping her off and as soon as I left, she went to party hardy.

When she returned to our home the next morning her father told her that she had until Saturday (this was Tuesday) to get her crap together and get out of our house. Didn't care where she was going or how she'd support herself. That we gave her that second chance and she blew it.

We tried to help her down the road. But any cash assistance given her was spent on booze, drugs or smokes, not for what she said she needed it for. Then we put care packages together and dropped them to her. That angered her something terrible! So we just stopped helping her all together. It was time to think of ourselves and the youngest daughter we had at home.

When a child reaching adulthood and wants to make their stand in this world, one has to stop enabling them and let them figure out how they will survive. And they surely learn quickly once they are cut off. Tuff love...yes. The only way this child knew we meant business. It's draining on the whole family if one continues to let it go on.

I wish you well Minks. And if you do let her back, stand firm on your house rules and do give her a time period in which she must find employment and move out!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 5:44 pm

Minks, you are a good mom to set the guidelines, no matter how hard it is for your heart. When she shapes up to your rules, let her come home. Oh, I will pray for you both tonight, for your broken heart over this.

NursiePoo · Post by **NursiePoo** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:05 pm

Minks, I have been exactly where you are. Only, my daughter had a baby boy and I kicked them both out hoping she'd realize she had to shape up, be responsible, yadayadayada. Different people tried to help her by putting her and her baby up, but they'd eventually kick her out because she refused to be responsible for him and didn't do the right things to help herself.

Yes, I got many phone calls, with the baby cryiing in the car so I could hear him and she could tell me it was my fault that he was crying because he was hungry, etc.

I came close to having a nervous breakdown, but I couldn't afford the luxury of just losing my mind, so I had to keep going. It sucked, sucked, sucked.

It was 8 years ago she got pregnant, 5 years ago I kicked her out. She was in and out of jail for driving with a suspended licence, I never bailed her out.

Don't you know that it almost killed me. Killed me emotionally, but almost did me in physically as well.

DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, 5 years later, she has her sh*t together, her son is doing great...a big man of 7 years old...she and I have a WONDERFUL relationship, she's getting married in 6 weeks to a GREAT guy, and

it is a miracle how things worked out.

I prayed for her for years and years without seeing any improvement, but you can't give up as much as you wish you could.

You will have to let her walk through her own hell until she decides to change her attitude. You cannot give in, or she will manipulate you once again. Save her life if need be, if it comes to that (health issues, doctor bills, etc.) but tell her if she's hungry to find a halfway house for homeless teens. Every city must have one.

I sent my daughter to "Covenant House" (actually I didn't send her, but I told her about it and that they would help her find a job, a place to live, etc.) She refused to stay there, and just had to do things her own way...stupid, no common sense, hurting herself all the way, making one bad decision after another. Like I said,

DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My daughter is 23 now, and had FINALLY come around.

It is so hard, I know it is, but it is not going to help her for you to help her...some kids just are hard-headed and stubborn and have to learn the hard way.

But please, keep the faith, just hold on. She will eventually grow up.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:36 pm

Minks.. My heart bleeds for you. Ive had troubles with my youngest son Brian for years now. Started when he was 14. Ive always known he has some emmotional problems, and Ive always felt responsible for them. So Ive never been able to take a firm stand. Also I love him to death. Same stuff irresponsible, difficult, doesnt understand consequences of actions, verbally abusive, and disrespectful.

Problems really got out of hand when pot came into the picture.Two years ago, he married a girl with identical problems. They had a child. She left him.

He spiriled down into a mess. As we speak here... My grandchild is in the custody of her parents. My son is basically homeless. He cannott or will not keep a job. And I just recently discovered that hes been using drugs of all kinds.

Im an enabler. Because being tough to your own child is the hardest thing there is to do on this earth. I calculated today that in the past 60 days I have covered emergencys to the tune of about 1600.00. Meanwhile , Ford motor credit is calling me today asking me where my truck payment is. Last Monday he started a new job. Thats job# 12 since last November. This morning he didnt get up in time to go. Ive got to stop or I will be responsible for his never pulling his life together.

I know the squeeze you are in. Be strong. Being emmotionally weak doesnt do these kids anygood.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 6:43 pm

PS He will be 21 November 2nd.. Action Figure gave me hope. Maybe if I back out, he will straighten out.

telaquapacky · Post by **telaquapacky** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:11 pm

Kicking her out, and keeping her out is the best advice. We went through something similar with a niece who lived with us for some years, until we couldn't stand it anymore. When their behavior is unacceptable, you have to make them learn to paddle their own canoe. Especially in your own case, with a younger sister to protect. Be Strong! We're all praying for you!

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:18 am

Ah I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles Minks!! Obviously I can't comment on looking after teenagers, seeing as how I've just finished being one, but I would second nearly every comment that has already been posted!!

You have to keep strong and believe that everything is going to turn out well, and that your relationship with your daughter will only strengthen after this. My thoughts are with ya through this tough time Minks!! :-6

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 4:36 am

NursiePoo wrote: You will have to let her walk through her own hell until she decides to change her attitude.
OMG. It's the Illiad, or Odyssy, I forget which. It's time for her to find her way out.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:24 am

minks wrote: Thank you sojo, I am hanging in there and I know it will be all tears when I see her tontie.

Good Morning, Minks!

How did your evening with your daughter go?

Wishing you a beautiful and peaceful day today.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:43 am

SOJOURNER wrote: Good Morning, Minks!

How did your evening with your daughter go?

Wishing you a beautiful and peaceful day today.

Thank you Sojo, I have better news today, I picked her up last nite and brought her to the superstore and we bough raman noodle soup and KD, and bread, I can't afford much beyond $20 outta pocket right now but those will last her a bit. I also got a second request from work here to ask her again to come work for us, as the receptionist so I presented the job to her last nite I told her all I wanted from her was to show up daily on time, and do her best. Of course I am nervous as heck about her commitment and praying like mad she does not come up with horrible excuses to not show up. I did not ask her to come live with me for the simple fact that.... she was at my house 2 whole hours last nite catching up with her sister, and her buddy came by to take her home and on her way out she told her sister to come see that her bud had pierced his eyebrow and her sister who was feeling sick said no and they started a yell fest. I was soooooooooooooo glad I stood my ground. That 18 year old can raise the stress level in less than 3 hours YUCK. But she accepted the job, and we are going to train her and pay her well, and she dam well better return the good will. Tomorrow she starts. I feel pretty good today, as well she conceided to join the familiy monday for thanksgiving dinner.

Again all of you thanks for the support, I am glad you encouraged me to stick to my guns

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:55 am

Good luck. We're pulling for ya!

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:53 am

my thanks ACC, I think there is a whole bunch of us needing some good luck seems like a whole pile of us are going through some trying times. Gosh it is good we have FG support I dunno about you but time here sure helps me sort out some of lifes issues.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:24 am

FG is my Guiding Light.

It's also my As the World Turns, All My Children, General Hospital........... :wah:

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:32 am

That's wonderful news! I really hope she does a good job and that this will help her get on her feet again. You sound like an excellent mom, Minks.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:37 am

actionfigurestepho wrote: That's wonderful news! I really hope she does a good job and that this will help her get on her feet again. You sound like an excellent mom, Minks.

I sure am hoping for an attitude change

pina · Post by **pina** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:41 am

You did good Minks, your a great mum.........:-4

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 1:02 pm

minks wrote: Thank you Sojo, I have better news today, I picked her up last nite and brought her to the superstore and we bough raman noodle soup and KD, and bread, I can't afford much beyond $20 outta pocket right now but those will last her a bit. I also got a second request from work here to ask her again to come work for us, as the receptionist so I presented the job to her last nite I told her all I wanted from her was to show up daily on time, and do her best. Of course I am nervous as heck about her commitment and praying like mad she does not come up with horrible excuses to not show up. I did not ask her to come live with me for the simple fact that.... she was at my house 2 whole hours last nite catching up with her sister, and her buddy came by to take her home and on her way out she told her sister to come see that her bud had pierced his eyebrow and her sister who was feeling sick said no and they started a yell fest. I was soooooooooooooo glad I stood my ground. That 18 year old can raise the stress level in less than 3 hours YUCK. But she accepted the job, and we are going to train her and pay her well, and she dam well better return the good will. Tomorrow she starts. I feel pretty good today, as well she conceided to join the familiy monday for thanksgiving dinner.

Again all of you thanks for the support, I am glad you encouraged me to stick to my guns

Sounds like things went pretty well last evening. I'm very happy for you.

Getting anyone a job, especially someone in your family, is really putting yourself out there. Just remember: when she does well, you wouldn't dream of taking the credit for it. So, if there are any problems, don't be blaming yourself for it. We all make our own decisions and she is a "adult" now.

venus · Post by **venus** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:02 pm

Wow Minks l didnt realise you were going throught this. l feel so crap for not being there..

I wouldnt have known what advice to give as lve only been on the kicked out end not the kicking end, but it sounds like you did the right thing and she will appreciate it one day..:rolleyes:

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:03 pm

venus wrote: Wow Minks l didnt realise you were going throught this. l feel so crap for not being there..

I wouldnt have known what advice to give as lve only been on the kicked out end not the kicking end, but it sounds like you did the right thing and she will appreciate it one day..:rolleyes:

Well I figure if she messes this up, then I package her up and send her by Fed Ex to Chris ahahahahahaha

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:08 pm

minks wrote: Well I figure if she messes this up, then I package her up and send her by Fed Ex to Chris ahahahahahaha

Hahahaha well I can't decide then on whether I want her to mess up or do well. Hmmmm ........... Mess up? Do well?

venus · Post by **venus** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:09 pm

:-3 oh ho poor Spikey.....

it must be hard though minks, but like many have said sometimes you have to show em tough love or they will never get it!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:49 pm

minks wrote: Well I figure if she messes this up, then I package her up and send her by Fed Ex to Chris ahahahahahaha

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl - I am proud of you!! You fed her and sent her on her way after she proved her attitude had not changed. You really are being a supportive Mom - Congrats.......

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:18 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl - I am proud of you!! You fed her and sent her on her way after she proved her attitude had not changed. You really are being a supportive Mom - Congrats.......

Thanks NV and I feel good about what I did, gawds the stress if I had given in would have kilt me. Nice to see you again by the way. Chris let me work on her attitude today and for a few months then maybe I will see if she is worthy of coming your way tee hee hee, she emailed me a million times today, she has finally admitted her life is a mess and one step at a time, get the job under her belt then take the next step to sort her life etc. So fingers crossed. I

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 3:25 pm

minks wrote: Thanks NV and I feel good about what I did, gawds the stress if I had given in would have kilt me. Nice to see you again by the way. Chris let me work on her attitude today and for a few months then maybe I will see if she is worthy of coming your way tee hee hee, she emailed me a million times today, she has finally admitted her life is a mess and one step at a time, get the job under her belt then take the next step to sort her life etc. So fingers crossed. I

UMMM ERRRR - I'm done raising kids. I had some tough love times too but now they are all my adult children AND they really like me again. I can't wait for the day when your daughter comes up to you and says "Thanks Mom - you were right. I love you." It WILL happen.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 6:31 am

Hey Minks,

Another day and you're still hanging tough. Congrats to you. There's still a long way, but you are on your way --- DAM I can't stop this rhyming thing -- I love that thread...

Have a wonderful day!

chiquita · Post by **chiquita** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:26 pm

in my opinion, as a young person that i am... i think she deserves another chance..however, you know her better since she's your daughter. i had done similar things to my parents when i was younger and i came to realize the mistakes that i did.. up to this day, i am thankful that my parents had given me another opportunity to better myself in life..in which i have..

my advice would be, that you could only help her if she's willing to take what you have to offer, that is: "the moment that she's living under your roof, she has to obey you as the rules of the house goes..." i hope you understand what i mean.. kind of like compromising. you would only shelter her if she disciplines herself with the rules of the house, etc etc.. i hope what i said was helpful to you, at least to give you a whole new idea of what to do. good luck! :-6

colony · Post by **colony** » Wed Oct 12, 2005 4:21 pm

hopefully her experiences in the real world taught her a lesson or five

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:27 am

Minks,

How's it going?

jasmund · Post by **jasmund** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:58 am

Minks, my heart and prayers are with you, children as you know do not come with instruction guides, velcroed to their tiny hinies at birth, I just went through this with my 13 almost 14 year old. No rules for him, thank you very much!

And he decided HE would run the house and HE would push me down, and HE was to big for his britches!!!!

Did I call the cops , Nope.

Did I yell at him, Yep!

Did I tell him if you ever do that again you are out of here, no matter how much I love you!!! Yep!

-Guess what this went on for 2 months, and the more he did the more I hurt inside and out, finally one day we were by the front door and his mouth was working in overdrive and his brain was still in park,

I grabbed him , kissed him hard on the forehead, said I love you to death son, out!!!!!!!

Get out, NOW!!!! Go to your dads, you want to behave abusively then you will be very happy with him!!!

-1 hour later my ex calls "Come and get him, he's driving me nuts"

-Nope!

1 full week of "MaMa, can I come home I love you"

-Nope!

To make a long story short, I had to go through this twice! And now, he knows I am dead serious.

I know I took a chance, but without yelling look at your daughter state your view and dont give her a chance to answere, end it with a statement not a question, and turn on your heals and leave.

-Tell her your expectaitons, spell it out.

You instilled all the good in her you could, at about 13 they are busting loose to be who they want and it does apply to and 18 year old. Good luck , please keep us posted.

-Jasmund:-6