heartbroken

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:58 pm

today a Col. and Lt. came to my house. they had to separate me from the sheriff office due to my health/heart attack. they were crying, i was crying. they were hugging me, and saying 'we want you back when you are well, you are an outstanding officer'. they need to fill my position on my squad. i understand that. i have been out for months. so why am i sitting here sobbing my heart out? :-1 :-1 :-1 what am i now? i am still state-certified LE, but not a county deputy now. that was my whole identity. my heart is broken and crushed right now. :-1 i feel so sad.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:00 pm

HUG!!!

If I could have made it bigger I would have. You know how to get me if you need me.

theia · Post by **theia** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:15 pm

Oh, LC, my heart's breaking, reading your post. But please remember you are still you and the you I've met in Forum Garden is a very special person. You haven't lost her. She's had some very tough times lately but she will soon be taking full advantage of the new, as yet unseen, opportunities this is offering to her. And that's a promise. You feel so sad at the moment but within that sadness is a spark that will get brighter and brighter... you'll see.

pina · Post by **pina** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:19 pm

Dont be sad, you still have the rest of your life to live the way you choose to and best of all you still have bothwell and all that love you share.:-4

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:21 pm

lady cop wrote: today a Col. and Lt. came to my house. they had to separate me from the sheriff office due to my health/heart attack. they were crying, i was crying. they were hugging me, and saying 'we want you back when you are well, you are an outstanding officer'. they need to fill my position on my squad. i understand that. i have been out for months. so why am i sitting here sobbing my heart out? :-1 :-1 :-1 what am i now? i am still state-certified LE, but not a county deputy now. that was my whole identity. my heart is broken and crushed right now. :-1 i feel so sad.
I can truly understand the way you feel. This is devastating. But What are you?

You are an out of the ordinary female, a mother, a daughter, a lover, and a giver to mankind. It may be time for you to become a writer, a knitter, a teacher, or a lazy lady for a while. Laying around, reading and eating, and taking it easy. God may have actually had to use health issues to get you out of your job. For whatever reason... you werent supposed to be there anymore. He gave you a little shove.. Turn in the road... 4 way stop sign. Which way you gonna go???

Its downright exciting!!Get well... Get ready, and get moving forward to a new and wonderful chapter in your life. Your not alone. Best wishes to you kid.

Weeder

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:23 pm

No words can express how badly I feel that you received this news. You are still and will "always" be a cop LC! Just because you're off duty right now doesn't change that. They want you back as soon as you can come back and do think the world of you. And everybody at the Garden thinks highly of you too. My prayers are with you that your health improves and that you can continue doing the work that you love. Big hugs to you!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:27 pm

I am soooo sorry. That must have been heartbreaking for you. You deserve a good cry over that......:-4

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:40 pm

weeder wrote: I can truly understand the way you feel. This is devastating. But What are you?

You are an out of the ordinary female, a mother, a daughter, a lover, and a giver to mankind. It may be time for you to become a writer, a knitter, a teacher, or a lazy lady for a while. Laying around, reading and eating, and taking it easy. God may have actually had to use health issues to get you out of your job. For whatever reason... you werent supposed to be there anymore. He gave you a little shove.. Turn in the road... 4 way stop sign. Which way you gonna go???

Its downright exciting!!Get well... Get ready, and get moving forward to a new and wonderful chapter in your life. Your not alone. Best wishes to you kid.

Weeder
That just needed repeating. Weeder, you're freakin' brilliant. :-6

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:48 pm

i am blessed by friends like each of you....i thank you with all my heart. something was pointed out to me, that maybe God did not want me to die on that job. that a window somewhere is open. that there is a reason for everything. Bothwell just called me, it is late over there, but he said you are still the same LC you always were and we shall figure all this out tomorrow. i am allowed to have a really good cry. then i shall move on. right now though i am bereft. i thank each of you and trust me, you don't know how much your kindness is helping me. :yh_flower

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 3:57 pm

I think I remember you saying you were waiting for the dept to let you go before you could join Bothwell............GO GIRL GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:11 pm

Oh LC. In the short time I've been here, I've enjoyed your posts. Always to the point, brilliant and from the heart.

I'm with you all the way. I know what it's like and it does change your life. But what ever you do, keep going with what your heart says.

:guitarist :-4 :-5 :yh_hugs

There's a lot of love coming your way.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:21 pm

hey NV i know, i just have some doctors to deal with first. and OpenMind, thankyou for that very nice post! i really appreciate it and will remember you.

Clint · Post by **Clint** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:24 pm

ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s sad that you are so sad. I understand. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve had to make significant life changes that I thought would change my identity. The fact is, we are who we are. Our occupation isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t what controls that.

You are an extremely intelligent, articulate, warm hearted, tough and clearly kind person. This isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t the end of the road, it is a bridge. While you are on the bridge you have to trust it will hold you until you reach the other side where the same person with a little more experience will continue her journey.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:26 pm

If it helps, this book may be of interest to you - Stop That Heart Attack by Dr Derrick Cutting, 2004 by Class Publishing (London) Ltd. ISBN - 1 85959 096 9. I have a copy myself because I lost the use of my left ventricle last year. He's got a sense of humour too.

:-4

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:31 pm

thanks Clint. it's just i felt i had a mission. i know you understand that. perhaps i will find it in another way. i was living with a lot of violence. maybe my guardian angels didn't like that.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:31 pm

Weeder pegged it. Only part of your identity is LE. The most forward part, but a part nonetheless.

Sure mourn what will never be again. I cry with you. But If I ever hear of you saying the only identity you have is, well, any one thing, I'll kick your ass. It may have to be verbally, but I'll do it.

I've read posts from you for several months now. You're far more than a cop only. Friend, sports fan, woman, mother, lover to Bothwell, ... those come to mind off the top of my head.

Big hugs to you, LC. Look to the next chapter with gusto!

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:32 pm

ACC...i adore you!!!

Clint · Post by **Clint** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:40 pm

lady cop wrote: thanks Clint. it's just i felt i had a mission. i know you understand that. perhaps i will find it in another way. i was living with a lot of violence. maybe my guardian angels didn't like that.
You have reminded me of a good friend of mine who retired from the Oregon State Police. He joined them when he got out of the Marines. He had never gone to work without a uniform on in his life. He had never existed where he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have to think about the danger around him. He didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t trust anyoneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s motives anymore. Most of all, he was very tired and didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even know it because that was how it had been for so long.

I enjoyed visiting with him when he was a cop but I enjoy it even more now, because there is life in his eyes that was never there before and he is relaxed and rested.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:41 pm

lady cop wrote: today a Col. and Lt. came to my house. they had to separate me from the sheriff office due to my health/heart attack. they were crying, i was crying. they were hugging me, and saying 'we want you back when you are well, you are an outstanding officer'. they need to fill my position on my squad. i understand that. i have been out for months. so why am i sitting here sobbing my heart out? :-1 :-1 :-1 what am i now? i am still state-certified LE, but not a county deputy now. that was my whole identity. my heart is broken and crushed right now. :-1 i feel so sad.

Now might not be the right time to say this...so I will. This might be a blessing. Not today or tomorrow but in the future. This might be the beginning of your new beginning. Grieve, feel sad, feel remorseful, cry now, but your life isnt over. When you woke this morning to coin an old cliche....it was the first day of the rest of your life. LIVE WELL !

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:51 pm

Nomad, you are wise. and right. i need to cry like a baby for 24 hours. get it out. .....and Clint said ' He had never existed where he didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have to think about the danger around him. He didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t trust anyoneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s motives anymore. Most of all, he was very tired and didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even know it because that was how it had been for so long.' that's me! the cynic, the one always looking for crime. can't relax, can't sit with my back to the door. oh God i was once so different! i said this recently...the job steals your soul. i still have tears running down my face, but it will get better.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:11 pm

This might sound absurd to you right now, but its something Ive learned in my own life Ill share with you.

Im not afraid anymore. Im not afraid of the pain. When it comes into my life, I embrace it, I dont turn my back on it. I hold it in my hands and I keep it close to my heart. All of these things that happen in our lives are the sum of our lives. Theyre moments that make up our being. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. It becomes us, a part of our soul, our minds, our hearts. Its what makes us who we are, its how we learn and evolve. Its how we gain wisdom and strength, its how we learn to love and how we learn to cope.

This is just one aspect of your life, as having your children was and is another. As the love you share with your Bothwell will shape your future. We can plan our lives only so much and the rest, well I guess its like riding the wind. Enjoy that, dont be afraid, your loved, you will be taken care of, find joy in that. Its an adventure riding this planet as we fly around the sun and each of us is hanging on for dear life so enjoy the ride and dont let go.

:-6

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:20 pm

Nomad i cannot even answer. you are so right. i am so messed up right now:-1 . i will save your post. i know i can take my certification and go anywhere....there are a million adverts out there for LE. but maybe i was supposed to stop doing what i did. maybe there was a bullet with my name on it. in a year i will look back and see the reason why.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:41 pm

LC, Weeder must think like me.. I had told you the same thing almost word for word.. this is a blessing .. you will see that soon..:-1

I can truly understand the way you feel. This is devastating. But What are you?

You are an out of the ordinary female, a mother, a daughter, a lover, and a giver to mankind. It may be time for you to become a writer, a knitter, a teacher, or a lazy lady for a while. Laying around, reading and eating, and taking it easy. God may have actually had to use health issues to get you out of your job. For whatever reason... you werent supposed to be there anymore. He gave you a little shove.. Turn in the road... 4 way stop sign. Which way you gonna go???

Its downright exciting!!Get well... Get ready, and get moving forward to a new and wonderful chapter in your life. Your not alone. Best wishes to you kid.

Weeder

NOMAD, You are wise beyond your years.. LC will understand your words after her 24 to 48 hours of crying.. I know I went through what she just went through today.. Its a shock, sad, and awful.. She will reach back and move forward I know she will.. YOUR WORDS ARE PROFOUND..:-1

This might sound absurd to you right now, but its something Ive learned in my own life Ill share with you.

Im not afraid anymore. Im not afraid of the pain. When it comes into my life, I embrace it, I dont turn my back on it. I hold it in my hands and I keep it close to my heart. All of these things that happen in our lives are the sum of our lives. Theyre moments that make up our being. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it. It becomes us, a part of our soul, our minds, our hearts. Its what makes us who we are, its how we learn and evolve. Its how we gain wisdom and strength, its how we learn to love and how we learn to cope.

This is just one aspect of your life, as having your children was and is another. As the love you share with your Bothwell will shape your future. We can plan our lives only so much and the rest, well I guess its like riding the wind. Enjoy that, dont be afraid, your loved, you will be taken care of, find joy in that. Its an adventure riding this planet as we fly around the sun and each of us is hanging on for dear life so enjoy the ride and dont let go.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 5:51 pm

LC, we love you are hope you will not be sad long. Nomad had some wise advice. I saw take that certification of yours, and when your health permits, start looking for employment overwith your beloved. You will be in high demand, with your knowledge of law enforcement! You would make a great trainer for recruits, all kinds of things keeping you close to the occupation you love.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:18 pm

Forum Garden has evolved into the most wonderful place over the last year.

It is truly, an affirmation of the goodness of man. People lifting each other up. Supporting each other in time of need, encouraging, and praying for each other.Sharing in each others sorrow and joy. Their is incredible healing power in the energy like minded people can send someones way. LC is a very fortunate human being. What she receives from all of you is more powerful than anything theyve ever put in a pill or a bottle. I feel fortunate to have felt the warmth of man sharing with man. Little slice of the world, here in these pages of posts.

"Growing Things...We Human Beings"

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:31 pm

Carla, Chonsi, Weeder, JAB....you are too good. too generous. i am sitting here still crying like hell, but i am honest-to-god trying to find a reason. and a direction. i won't cry for long. i am MAD that i went through hell to get through academy years ago. but i am still certified. there is a place for me somewhere. it will make itself known, right? i cannot be left without purpose for long or i will die.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:34 pm

JAB wrote: LC, Things happen for a reason. Or as they said in The Sound of Music, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

:-6that is exactly what i have been thinking and quoting. all evening. :-1

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:38 pm

lady cop wrote: maybe there was a bullet with my name on it.

:yh_ooooo What??!?! You too??!?!?

Sorry, that was totally tasteless, wasn't it?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:40 pm

BabyRider wrote:

:yh_ooooo What??!?! You too??!?!?

Sorry, that was totally tasteless, wasn't it?nah....a reality. i used to say some sick f**k was going to kill me.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:46 pm

lady cop wrote: nah....a reality. i used to say some sick f**k was going to kill me.
My efforts at making you laugh are going right down the sh!tter, aren't they, LC?

You know, a "Bullet" with your name on it...I have one, too...cuz of Bullet....my fian...

Oh never mind....

:yh_rotfl

I JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU LAUGH DAMMIT!!!!! :yh_bigsmi

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 6:49 pm

boy i must be in bad shape, i would have jumped right on that if i were in my right mind. sorry. and thanks hon.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:38 pm

So sorry to hear this news. Don't have any new words that might comfort you, just the same as most of the others -- where a door is shut, there's a window opening.

Tell me -- how is your health now? Might you be relocating?

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:07 pm

Wow, LC, do you even believe these people on here? I just did get a chance

to login and read this and I am overwhelmed... every single one of them is

fantastic. I don't have words any better than the ones they've put down

here.

I love you.

:-1

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:14 pm

oh Val thanks. i am so upset. i will come back. thankyou. i love you too. a lot.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:17 pm

valerie wrote: Wow, LC, do you even believe these people on here?
Makes ya wonder, doesn't it? Do only good people gravitate to FG or do they come here and find the good in them?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:19 pm

blessed . just blessed. it may be cyberspace but it is real.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:35 pm

going to bed. thank all of you. i need a good cry.i need my man. i see him every day here with me. he is the hands-down king of fishing in florida! LOL.... he is such a fantastic man.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:59 pm

that's the problem Scrat....no bennies. it's 0300 and my chest hurts, my heart hurts. i turned in my uniforms and even my bullets! good thing. only i have plenty more bullets. right now i want to eat one. they knew how i would feel. they said if i don't call they will send a car. ....Flop, thankyou for the PM.

chervil · Post by **chervil** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:03 am

Don't really know you but your situation brought my husbands old regiment motto to mind.

Good luck and i'm sure you'll find a way to be happy again. x :-6

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:06 am

chervil wrote: Don't really know you but your situation brought my husbands old regiment motto to mind.

Good luck and i'm sure you'll find a way to be happy again. x :-6thankyou...at this moment i am heartsick, but i will get through somehow. thankyou.

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:22 am

Ah LC I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. I know I've had many times even at my age, when I get really annoyed and upset about the present rather than looking at the future.

You are a fantastic person LC, you know that I and every member around the Garden loves u. I know that I've only met u about a month or so ago, but within that time I can easily say that you are one of the most caring, romantic, funny and generally all round great person. :-6

You are such a strong character that I know that u will get over this, and look forward to the bright and successful future that u have!! If you ever need a shoulder to cry on I'm always around to help. So keep strong, and let us all see that beautiful LC smile.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 2:54 am

I'm sorry to hear that LC and I can only say that I'm sure things will get better for you, it's a difficult period that your going through now. I wish you all the best with every thing in the future

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:15 am

lady cop wrote: oh hell and bollocks. i just had a long talk with bothwell and i feel a little better. but since nobody is looking...i want to eat my gun. i really cannot take this. i am seriously considering suicide. oh hell, don't anyone do anything, i will get by this. just leave me to muddle through. i will i will.

You will get through LC hang in there. Heres a smile for you :-6

sofemme · Post by **sofemme** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:44 am

lady cop wrote: oh hell and bollocks. i just had a long talk with bothwell and i feel a little better. but since nobody is looking...i want to eat my gun. i really cannot take this. i am seriously considering suicide. oh hell, don't anyone do anything, i will get by this. just leave me to muddle through. i will i will.

(((((((((Lady Cop)))))))))) honey, I am sooo sorry you are hurting right now. Please come talk to me. I am here for you.... sofemme

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:03 am

LC it will work out

i know your life has been the police and your recent health problems have been a serious kick but the poster who said about adapting is so right

you dont want to carry on living there, your ultimate wish is to move here and be with bothwell, and so far noones said anythign which can stop you from doing that, as thats the most important thing to you just hold onto that.....

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:58 am

LC..just got word of this...I am so sorry! Read through all the posts and there is so much I want to say, but everyone has said it. But I do believe Nomad had some of the best advice in that you can take the negative and bring it close to your heart. May sound crazy, but you will only understand this later, months from now it will make sense what this means to you. I have said a prayer for you today and just know that you are the "roots" of this garden. A day w/out you would put us in a drought!!!!! You are one of those special people that just touch other people's lives in such positive way! No matter what you are still our LC!!

scotty · Post by **scotty** » Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:04 am

We are with you Lady cop.

Scott