Adoption Decisions

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:50 am

If we had a Family Affairs forum I'd put this there.

Calling out to all who have put children up for adoption. Why'd you do it?

Calling out to all who have adopted. Why'd you do it?

At least one Gardener who has become important to me is concerned about these questions. I cannot imagine the decision to place a child for adoption to not be a gut-wrenching, torturous one - yet bittersweet once it's over. What would your child's life have been like had you raised him/her?

If you are an adoptive parent, what safeguards are in place to make sure children are not handed over to abusive people? How was your life changed by this new responsibility?

I lived in foster care for my teenage years. Lots of plusses and minuses there, but I can appreciate how important adoption is. In it's way, the adoption process is an even greater example of love and sacrifice than most others I can imagine. The mother knowing she can't give the baby what it needs gives a chance at a better life by amputating her heart and giving it to another. What greater show of love is there?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:22 am

This is a difficult topic, AC. I have a brother and sister who were adopted. They came from Korea after the war, so they were orphans. To decide to give up your child for adoption must be a difficult decision, I place it alongside the decision whether to carry a baby full term or opt for an abortion. Very hard calls for a mother to make. I just know when I was poor, poor, poor-lower then the national standing for poor, I kept all 4 of my children, never thought once of giving them up. They are my life blood, and what keeps me living today through the next round of hard times. Never thought once of an abortion or aoption.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 8:14 am

Accountable I am not sure but I think I can explain at least one reason adoptions take place. I am a mother to 3 and very much feel like chonisgirl...there is nothing that would ever have caused me to give them up. My situation (although different) has been comfortable...(stable finances, a home..). But I think when a very young girl finds herself pregnant, afraid, single...not able to care for another life, she may run. In other words she gets help from someone who encourages her to "give it up" before she even experiences the birth of this child. Her mind is made up before she even meets this little being. As Chonisgirl as stated, I too believe love can overcome many obstacles. I think a lot of these young girls give their babies up and may have some regret....some even immediately at the birth. I know there are situations where a mother is definately unable to care for an infant, but I also believe as many as half would have kept their baby and made it work had they known a mothers love....

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 11:10 am

Accountable wrote: If we had a Family Affairs forum I'd put this there.

Calling out to all who have put children up for adoption. Why'd you do it?

Calling out to all who have adopted. Why'd you do it?

At least one Gardener who has become important to me is concerned about these questions. I cannot imagine the decision to place a child for adoption to not be a gut-wrenching, torturous one - yet bittersweet once it's over. What would your child's life have been like had you raised him/her?

If you are an adoptive parent, what safeguards are in place to make sure children are not handed over to abusive people? How was your life changed by this new responsibility?

I lived in foster care for my teenage years. Lots of plusses and minuses there, but I can appreciate how important adoption is. In it's way, the adoption process is an even greater example of love and sacrifice than most others I can imagine. The mother knowing she can't give the baby what it needs gives a chance at a better life by amputating her heart and giving it to another. What greater show of love is there?

In these days and ages I think the screening process for parents to match an adoptive child are a start to safegard against abuse. But sadly nothing is 100%.

As for why a mother gives up a child, many reasons, many circumstances. In the perfect world we would like to say it is because that child will have a better chance at a better life. The reasons are endless age, finances, health, living conditions, family pressures. There are many reasons a mother can not keep a child. Children in these areas are adopted to couples who had trouble conceiving so something that can be a joy is you allowed that child a better chance to a better life, you brought utter joy into a loving couples life.

What happens when you find out the child was raised totally different than what you had expected,,,, that is where you have to take a long hard look at as a birth mother do you want to know??? Or do you take the attitude that this is not my position anymore.

One other thing, the age you give up a child as well plays a lot on the bond. If you give a child up at birth the bond is of course less. If you give the child up later in years as a toddler or older the bond of course is going to be stronger again how much are you willing to learn or wish to know about that childs life.

sofemme · Post by **sofemme** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:53 pm

I don't know about other birth moms but for me it was the fact the i loved my baby but could not provide for him. I was in a children's home and my mom had died the year before, so I was virtually alone with no one to talk to. I trusted the doctor that delivered my son. He found parents that fit the long list of details that I had given him. I wanted my son to have a better chance than I could give him and the adoptive parents could have no children of their own.

I grieved for many years and believed that I did the best that I could have done under the circumstances.

nancy.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:31 pm

Hi Nancy, welcome to FG. :yh_peace

I give you TONS of credit for being able to do what you did. My sister and another friend both did the same thing. Good for you for knowing what was best for your child.

sofemme · Post by **sofemme** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:37 pm

Thank you for the welcome and the acceptance.

hugs,

sofemme.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:45 pm

hi sofemme, and welcome.

.....you may like this story, i didn't want to write it over again...... adoption

lady cop

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:49 pm

sofemme wrote: Thank you for the welcome and the acceptance.

hugs,

sofemme.
Hey, it's great to see new faces around here. Hope you stick around. Oh, and don't lend Nomad money! :yh_rotfl (Trust me he'll ask)

I'm joking, of course!

sofemme · Post by **sofemme** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 5:57 pm

:yh_hugs Thank you for the welcome and for sharing your story with me.

lol @ babyrider. you're bad. lol who's Nomad?

hugs,

sofemme.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:04 pm

sofemme wrote: you're bad.
How'd you know that? Have we met before? HAHA!!! Nomad is one of our regular flirts. You'll think he's being a jerk when he's really funnin' with you. This is a great place to hang out and yak, or get advice, or give advice, have fun, laugh...just about everything! Hope you enjoy it!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:15 pm

sofemme wrote: I wanted my son to have a better chance than I could give him and the adoptive parents could have no children of their own.

I wonder if I'm your son, Nancy?

I'm adopted. Now that my adoptive parents are both dead, I was considering asking the FG members to help me find my birth parents. I know they are alive, but I can't afford the price the search organization wants to charge me to tell me where they are.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:18 pm

Jives wrote: I wonder if I'm your son, Nancy?

I'm adopted. Now that my adoptive parents are both dead, I was considering asking the FG members to help me find my birth parents. I know they are alive, but I can't afford the price the search organization wants to charge me to tell me where they are.:oJives...contact international soundex....i will try to find it for you, hang on......it's free. and excellent. -----------here, they are great...

ISRR - International Soundex Reunion Registry The world's largest free reunion registry. Includes information about RegDay.

www.plumsite.com/isrr/ - Similar pagesInternational Soundex Reunion Registry A non-profit agency which serves and promotes the reunion of next-of-kin or family that have been separated at birth, by adoption, institutional care, ...

www.isrr.net/ - Similar pages

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:42 pm

Thanks, LC...I printed out the form. But it's just a registry. It will only work if my birth mother has registered with them too.

Well.. a small hope is better than no hope at all.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:47 pm

Robin, I find it hard to believe you see a young teen giving a baby a better chance at life as 'running away.'

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 6:52 pm

Jives wrote: Thanks, LC...I printed out the form. But it's just a registry. It will only work if my birth mother has registered with them too.

Well.. a small hope is better than no hope at all.:oit took a number of years, but worked for me. you can only try. if you want to spend money there are other avenues, but many cannot afford the fees. i wish you good fortune in this.