Never fails..Mom needs help AGAIN!

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:52 pm

Hey everybody! I just want you all to know "ur all soooo speeeeeeeeeecial" :-4

Ok back to work...I have just been asked to be Maid of Honor for my friends wedding..Here is the deal..the lil punk - cheats on her, yells at her, is HORRIBLE to her, uses her to take care of a daughter from a previous relationship....Enough said...She won't leave - she wants to be married so badly..Wants her own kids..she is 33 and she feels times is wasting..It will never work and I can tell ya I really don't want to spend 165.00$ on a dress when my whole heart isn't into this..She doesn't get married till next summer and we don't get fitted for the dresses till Jan. so I have some time to back out.. I love her to death - but not her choice...Tell me what to do...Stay and be the BEST friend to her even though I do not believe in the wedding...or tell her again how I feel and tell her she will need to find someone else..

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:03 am

If it was my friend I would tell her exactly what I thought and to enter into a relationship such as theirs doesn't have much chance of surviving.

I would want to be her Maid of Honor to support her, but not what she is doing. she may at some point want to tell you she's pulling out and if you haven't been there for her and stood close by, she won't be able to turn to you when she needs you most.

Hope this helps and all the best with it.

Clint · Post by **Clint** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:05 am

Wow! I'm not sure I know what the answer is to this. I used to tell myself I would never officiate a wedding for a couple unless I was sure they would honor their vows before God. When push came to shove, I have yeilded to the persistant request of couples who I knew were going to get married with a civil ceremony in spite of my advice. I did it because I wanted them to have the best possible start on marriage even if I didn't think it was going to be a good one. I'm not sure I would do it again. Each case is special and has to be decided based on what is unique about it.

PurpleChicken · Post by **PurpleChicken** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:29 am

I agree with Orangesox. You need to tell her exactly how you feel, and why. If, after she hears all that you have to say, she still wants you to be her Maid of Honour, then you should be there to support her - she's going to need someone to help her make this work, or help her pick up the pieces.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:41 am

If you tell her what you see in her relationship then expect some repercussions, this however is what a friend would do. You might end up losing a friend but if shes setting herself up for an abusive marriage then its the right thing to do. Frantic is never a good foundation for a lasting love story. As far as being a part of the wedding, I would say no dont get involved, this will drive your concerns home.

Dont harp, but take a long afternoon and paint a vivid picture of the future shes chosen for herself, then drop it.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:53 am

id be maid of honour to support her and be there for her, she clearly thinks a lot of you to ask but....

i would still tell her how you feel about the whole thing, as a friend that is what you should do

the wedding i just went to i didnt agree with, i dont believe it will last, but im not a close enough friend to tell her and i wasnt involved with the wedding....

she may not want you to be her MOH once youve told her which gets you out of it and thats something you may need to prepare yourself for...

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 5:12 am

I think Princess is on the right track, if you are her friend you will support her decision to marry and be maid of honor. But you should first tell her what you perceive of their relationship, and the pitfalls of an abusive relationship to start with will only escalate over time. It is better for her to rethink it, and look elsewhere, especially if she if thinking the clock is running out. An abusive relationship could stop her clock forever.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 7:42 am

Call Dr Laura.

I'll bet she'll tell you that being maid of honor means you are supporting the marriage. If you don't support the marriage, you have a moral obligation to decline. Otherwise, are you truly supporting her by letting her marry a bum?

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 7:47 am

They say love is blind. Apparently it's deaf, dumb and stupid, too.

Mom, in my humble opinion, if you stand up in this wedding, you are saying that it's ok for your friend to marry this loser. Tell her you love her, tell her you care about her. Too much to support what is obviously a huge mistake. Tell her that you wouldn't consider yourself a good friend if you didn't let her know how you feel. I demand it of my friends.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 11:36 am

Hey thanks everyone...:-6 I just called her and asked if we could go out for a drink next weekend...and talk. Her answer was - "If you are planning on talking me out of my wedding then I don't want to hear it"? So does this say someone else has obviously been saying the same thing? Her own sister has told her not to ask her to be in the wedding....So now I put myself in the role of wanting to be the BEST FRIEND and listen to all that others are saying...because thats what friends do...She is getting married in the Catholic Church and they will have to go through 6 months of counseling...Maybe if I just announce how I feel to her - let it go..the church will do the rest. This guy is a arrogant idiot and I feel that he will say what he wants in front of Father so I feel that Father wills say WHOA...and then maybe she will open her eyes...But again - THANKS!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 11:38 am

Gosh Mom, good luck next week!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:11 pm

being friendly - vs - being a friend, that is a hard one. I would pull her aside and tell her to freeze her eggs for a later date. I know that sounds bad. A bad marriage is not the place for children. She can have children without a husband and from the sound of this man she is better off without him. She may feel lonely - tell her to go to on-line dating services......

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:48 pm

If I were in your shoes, I'd go for the drink next week, tell her how you feel, listen to her and then let her know that you will respect her wishes, whatever she decides to do.

I would then make it clear that I wouldn't bring it up again. At the end of the day she is going to do what she wants, and nothing anyone else says will change her mind.

Not sure I could be a Maid of Honour in your shoes though, would she settle for you being a guest?

cars · Post by **cars** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 12:51 pm

mominiowa wrote: Hey everybody! I just want you all to know "ur all soooo speeeeeeeeeecial" :-4

Ok back to work...I have just been asked to be Maid of Honor for my friends wedding..Here is the deal..the lil punk - cheats on her, yells at her, is HORRIBLE to her, uses her to take care of a daughter from a previous relationship....Enough said...She won't leave - she wants to be married so badly..Wants her own kids..she is 33 and she feels times is wasting..It will never work and I can tell ya I really don't want to spend 165.00$ on a dress when my whole heart isn't into this..She doesn't get married till next summer and we don't get fitted for the dresses till Jan. so I have some time to back out.. I love her to death - but not her choice...Tell me what to do...Stay and be the BEST friend to her even though I do not believe in the wedding...or tell her again how I feel and tell her she will need to find someone else..

Reading the above, your friend sounds like she is just getting married because she believes that her child bearing years are waisting, so she is setteling for this looser! If she wants kids so bad, you might want to tell her why not just go to a sperm bank & get whats she needs. Without having to put up with/settle for that miserable choice. Either way, even if she married that guy, & after having kids with him, "her" kids most likely would not have a stay at home father anyway! Hang tough, giving "tough Love" is hard for all involved! Good Luck, you will have an up hill battle, as it seems she's putting on her "blinders" to all his bad points, & only wants to start a family of her own. But indicate to her that there really are other better fish in the sea, & it would be best for her to cut this "Bottom Feeder" LOOSE now! Instead of having to eventually wind up getting divorced!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 2:38 pm

Mom, why do I get the feeling that if you read an identical post from someone else, you would know exactly what to say?

What would you say, Mom?

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:13 pm

Well ACC-- I guess I would say...Make her realize this is wrong...make her understand marrying somebody for the wrong reasons even though it feels right at that time is WRONG...and let me see what else....I would say- Heck no, don't u dare stand up for her in a wedding that you don't believe in....

BUT~ When I would being saying that -I wouldn't being talking about a good friend of mine either.....hmmmmmmmmmm

Post by **Betty Boop** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:19 pm

It's a nightmare situation Mom, but my freindship would be more important than my opinion on her intended.

The worrying thing is that the more people tell her she's doing the wrong thing, may just make her more determined to do it anyway.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:25 pm

mominiowa wrote: Well ACC-- I guess I would say...Make her realize this is wrong...make her understand marrying somebody for the wrong reasons even though it feels right at that time is WRONG...and let me see what else....I would say- Heck no, don't u dare stand up for her in a wedding that you don't believe in....

BUT~ When I would being saying that -I wouldn't being talking about a good friend of mine either.....hmmmmmmmmmm

You know what coming:

So why would your own friend deserve less than someone else's?

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:32 pm

I am not saying she doesn't - I am just saying it has been said before by me -way before the engagement took place..in between the breakup and the tears of every other problem he has caused...I tried to tell her last night - and she shut me out...now..do I stand up for HER and not her wedding...and be her best friend...do I walk away with nothing but years of wasted friendship and wash my hands...

I don't feel that I am not giving her what she deserves..I respect her - but not her choice...am I so wrong? Thats why I needed the advice..Many different ideas and they have caused me great relief-- I will tell her AGAIN how I feel about what she is doing.. I will also play my card -"of what if.....with the kids thing..it will be worse on the child if you have to go through a divorce..." Hell I was the friend that said- "Honey if you want a baby so bad......Find out when you ovulate, walk into a bar, and POOF! there ya have it...

" Now- if I am willing to tell her to do that- you got to know this guy is a DIP SH*T........LOL

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:39 pm

Damn! I wish I had a good analogy, but the crossing-a-busy-street one I had in mind just doesn't fit well.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:43 pm

:yh_tong2 hmmmmmmmm

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:44 pm

Just be honest with your friend and tell her how you see things, that you care about her but in the end do not support this union. She's going to do what she wants to do regardless of what anybody has to say about it. And the more that people harp at her, the more she'll be pushed towards him. No, I wouldn't stand up for her, I'd ask her to get someone else. IF your friendship is strong, she'll understand.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 3:47 pm

You can only say what you think and then leave it at that, if you continually bring it up she will begin to resent you and still marry the guy anyway, she will become more determined to make things look ok between them as she won't want to get the "I told you so looks" when it does fall apart. Thats how she will feel in front of those that harped on at her not to do it, and like I think BB said it will make her more determined to marry him.

All the best with it.

Snap snap

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:06 pm

Good. We have concensus then. :-2 :-2

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:19 pm

Ok - we have all supported our friends we did not agree with........it hurts. SOOO we try to lend even more support to a very bad situation. What happens?? Our friends either get the crap beat out of them or they end up beaten, their kids end up beaten or raped..... It takes SO much strength to leave a situation like this especially when we feel so alone in our life. LEAVE - and LEAVE NOW before you and your kids end up in a shelter for battered women. I understand being lonely - it's a hard road to hoe.......don't go in the first place - being lonely in an abusive relationship IS THE WORST KIND OF LONELY!!!

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:30 pm

What your saying is right, but how do you stop a person when the're determind to go ahead with it?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:46 am

orangesox1 wrote: What your saying is right, but how do you stop a person when the're determind to go ahead with it?
You do what you can. You certainly don't say, well they're going to do it anyway so I'll support it & they won't be mad at me.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:21 am

Accountable wrote: You do what you can. You certainly don't say, well they're going to do it anyway so I'll support it & they won't be mad at me.

You won't be able to stop her, make it clear that you don't think she should go ahead with it, but your there for her. There is a difference between supporting her and supporting the desicion she is making, thats my point.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:47 am

Full agreement on that! :yh_hugs

chiquita · Post by **chiquita** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 10:54 pm

i would tell her what's on my mind.... that has happened to me about two years ago, with my best friend's wedding.. i wasn't too happy with the news that she was going to get married with a guy i didn't aprove as a friend.. so i just called her out one day and spoke to her about what was my problem. She took some days to think about what i had said to her, and she understood why i was somewhat against it.. she respected my decision, and she still went for it..keeping in mind what i had told her. She had told me once.. "Once you're in love, you're so blind that you're willing to risk anything just to see what everything is like.. "..she was a bit bothered that i was against it..knowing that i was her best friend, but after that... we stayed best of friends and we still are ..because we respect each other's opinion no matter what..

i dont know.. in few words, i guess u can tell her what's on your mind..but it's really up to them if they would take ur advice/opinion in mind~ good luck