Wife Carrying the Weight

Dede108 · Post by **Dede108** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 4:21 am

i just need to vent here and maybe get some words of support along with advice, etc. this post is not to bash my husband because i love him BUT......

i wish i could trade places with him. we have been married a little over a year, we lived together before that. i make considerably more money than him. i knew this going into the relationship, but i grossly underestimated my capacity to handle this. am i shallow? growing up, my mother didn't work. my dad took care of everything and he did a great job. he paid for private school, college tuition, etc. what i did not like about that set up was that my mom totally depended on him for money. through her i learned that it is important for a woman to be able to take care of herself.

so fast forward to today. being in a young marriage, we have the usual....college payments (big, big), mortage, car payments and every other obligation you can think of. i pay the mortage, life insurance, groceries, medical bills (we have a baby girl) and all of my own personal bills. he pays the utilities (for which i am grateful). whenever i mention him getting a 2nd job, he bristles. tonight he actually said,"why do you always say i need to get a part-time job?" i hit the roof! i'm thinking, if you want your wife who comes home everyday and cooks a hot meal for you, gets up at night to take care of the baby, does your laundry, to get a 2nd job, you must be #@%*ing crazy!

right now i'm feeling when does his manly pride kick in and see that hey maybe my wife is feeling overwhelmed. this is something we have talked about before and i am really feeling like a might have made a mistake in saying " i do".

i am not trying to be rude, but if your husband takes care of all the bills and you are a stay at hom mom, please do't reply. i am not hating because i think it's wonderful, but i see examples of that daily. i really need to hear from people in similar situations because i am at a breaking point. i need to know what i am doing wrong and how i can effect a positive change. thanks.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 4:35 am

Sometimes you must assume the responsibility-give him the care of the house and children after your first job, and you find the second. That will surely make him change his mind! If he refuses to do that, then tell him he must pay for the babysitter and housemaid you are hiring for those responsibilities. I am not kidding. Give him no choice, if that is your financial situation.

In 2 weeks times I will be working 3 jobs, but my husband is ill so it is a different story-he always was a very good worker and supported us when he was well.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 4:38 am

i've paid all my own expenses for many years and put my son through college. my Dad was also the traditional man, and when he passed away my Mom didn't even know how to write a check or pay the oil bill. you say you knew going in, but now the inevitable resentment is kicking in. from experience i can tell you that resentment will grow. ..secondly, we get people coming to FG who don't introduce themselves, ...we don't know you. how can we help you?

Dede108 · Post by **Dede108** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:07 am

my apologies. no disrespect intended. in the urgency to vent i did not follow protocol. from your tone lady cop, i understand that this is a nuisance. mea culpa.

i am a young married professional woman from the deep south. i have been married since april 2004, we have a little girl of 6 months. our daughter was born very prematurely, but is doing fine ( a blessing). i enjoy cooking, running, and movies. my husband is my best friend (but it is obvious even best friends don't see eye to eye at times).

the things that i am grateful for in this life are my family, health, sound mind and having a job. i am also very fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law who helps with our little girl. other her, our extended family is in the northeast.

i turned to the forum because 1)all of my best girl friends are single and as a result, tend to give single girl advice. 2) like i mention in my first post, to learn from others in similar situations. advice from men may also help me better understand my husbands side. thanks.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:14 am

not a nuisance at all...and glad to meet you. welcome to FG. i am sure you'll receive lots of good advice here as the day goes on. it's hard to give advice to someone we don't know. that was my only point.

Fresh Chick · Post by **Fresh Chick** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:20 am

Hi there, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know you well enough for to give you any real advice but it seems that you have to make him see what this is doing to YOUÃ¢â‚¬¦ You have still only been together a reasonably short time and it will take a couple more years for things to adjust, but if you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t talk about it now and get it resolved then it could initially be the beginning of break down in communication and of your marriage, which I hope doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t happen. Financial stress in the first few years of a marriage is big, and he has to be made to see it.

It is not going to be easy a thing for you to do, I wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t give him ultimatums, because may just get his back up, but if you gave him a couple of choices, and make him think that HE has made the decision, I have found that men like to feel in charge and be the grand decider, even though it is us woman who have planted the seeds there in the first place.

I hope this helps a littleÃ¢â‚¬¦ God Bless You and Stay Strong.. it seems you have great friends here to help you any way they canÃ¢â‚¬¦

Fresh Chick :-6

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 6:23 am

Welcome to adulthood. Looks like you tied a rock to your ankle and jumped in the deep end.

Take a deep breath before you read further, you need to shed emotion and defensiveness because I'm giving you what you asked for.

Get therapy. Wait a second for the knee-jerk reactions, relax, think about it. Get therapy! The best thing would be for both of you to go, but if he refuses, GET THERAPY! Go by yourself if you have to. Even though it's not as helpful, the therapist can at least give advice on how to proceed. I assume he's a good father, so for the kid's sake, shelve the divorce idea. You're married, you have a kid, you're obligated. Get therapy!! Write down the millions of excuses/reasons/justifications/obstacles on a piece of paper and burn it. None of that matters. The kid matters. Raise her in the best environment possible. How do you improve the environment? Get therapy! Don't prejudice advice. All points of view open avenues you may not have realized otherwise. You know who has good points of view? A family therapist. Many preachers are qualified therapists & they're free. A lot of them are pretty good at staying on point without too much prosteletyzing (sorry for the spelling).

Oh yeah. Hi and welcome :-6

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 7:38 am

flopstock wrote: so, what are you trying to say here ACC?

I'll let it simmer awhile then give a hint. :rolleyes:

Dede108 · Post by **Dede108** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 10:51 am

i want to really thank everyone for their input. it honestly helps to blow off steam and get uncolored opinions. i agree counseling is vital. so, i will suggest that we resume our sessions. we were going and then stopped when the babv came home from the nicu. this part-time job thing is something that i have brought up several times before. and believe me we aren't keeping up with the jones. we don't have new cars or anything like that. we pay cash or we don't buy it. it's just that i would like for us have money in savings. everyone knows that it is important to have an emergency fund (ex. hurrricane katrina evacuees). writing this out and reading the replies, helps me to get centered and remember that i love him very much. i just need to use different tactics. i thank everyone for taking the time out to post.

Dede

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 11:07 am

If there's one thing I have learned from my wonderful guy, it's that men are not mind-readers. You've said to your husband, "Get a second job" and said to us, "I'm feeling overwhelmed." Why not say to your husband that you're feeling overwhelmed? Guys are simple, really. Say what's on your mind, in a compassionate, respectful way. Don't talk down to him, or make it sound like you're scolding, just say, straight up, "I feel like I am carrying more of the burden AND working harder. I'd like some help, in areas A, B, and C."

Just last week I was looking at a pile of dishes that had accumulated in the sink. I sat there looking at them, getting annoyed that he hadn't done anything about them, and thought, "I'm going to leave them sit till he decides to get off his butt and do them." Then it occurred to me: He really doesn't see them. Just because it bothers me does not mean it bothers him. I was putting away laundry and I said, "Babe, could you do up those dishes in the sink, please?" He popped up from his chair and said, "Sure thing, baby." So what that I have to point them out? He has no problem doing anything that I ask, he just needs to know what needs to be done.

I realize that it's not quite the same circumstances as what you're dealing with, but the basic principle is the same. Guys do need to be told what the problem is, and as long as they don't feel they are being scolded or talked "down" to, it's easy. Don't patronize, be up-front, and just say what it is that's on your mind. Men like to fix things, as long as they know what needs to be fixed.

Hey, welcome to FG, too! :yh_peace

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Thu Sep 08, 2005 11:43 am

There has been times that I come home and sit down and say- You are cooking supper....and please you can bath the kids.. Talk to him. They can't read your mind like BR said...All I have to do is ask..sometimes he will do it - and sometimes he will be pissy - BUT if u can communicate that will help A LOT! Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and things get crazy and I end up in tears ad screaming....that makes him more mad then it does any good......but maybe just showing your emotion would help a little..Just my OPINION! LOL Welcome to the FG! Its a great place!!:-4