Setbacks

[glpride]

I have was diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar around 1990. I broke down at work one day after my life finally spun out of control. At first it was in and out of hopitals, one med after another. Finally, I thought I had conquered the worst. My last hospital admission was 1999 and I have only cut on myself a few times between then and today.

I have worked my ass off to get were I was. Breaking all the negative mental thoughts and addictive actions that controled my life, (not drugs) The addictive actions that kept my life on the edge. I was trying to raise two young boys and keep them from my insanity. Learning to realize that instant before insantity set in and place my children in safe hands and get help.

I have tried to return to work, my goal to be self-sufficient once again. I could not get the help I asked for and anger set in. I see people sitting home having children and getting free aspirin in the mail and I had to fight month after month to get my meds, that baically keep me alive. I set out to prove to everyone I could do it.

I did it alright. I took an online course, past it and received a license for a certain "career". I received my license in Feb of this year and by May my world started spiraling down. I couldn't stop it. I was working and feeling good, but I couldn't stop. It wasn't the money....I put out more than I brought in. But talking to people and thinking and making things happen felt so good.

In July I found myself crying daily, my head on the verge of going insane again and wanting to not be here. I feel brain dead again. Not being able to think or concentrate. Just staring at walls and not knowing what to do. I feel like my head will explode if it takes in one more piece of information. I have such a wonderful doctor and he has been working hard to help readjust my meds and assure me I won't ever have to worry about whether I will have them from one month to the next.

I asked about a place to go to talk, without paying someone to listen. "Know offense, but it is not a good feeling knowing you have to pay someone to talk to" Friends and family can't handle it and I don't think want to hear it. I know it hurts them. Anyway, he suggested an online message forum and that is why I am here. I have tried to blend in here and there, but not good with that I guess.

I have worked so hard for so many years to get better and I feel like I am back on the ground before I started climbing the ladder to a halfway productive life.

I just wanted to talk and know if there is anyone else that suffers from bipolar and had a tremendous setback after many years of doing fairly well. If so, did you get through it and how. I don't want to go back to hospitals, but it is a struggle to be safe sometimes. I am fighting, but really getting tired. Guess I am looking at certain things as another failure.

Deep down inside I don't want to die, I just want to be happy; but I am so tired and drained. An encouraging success story would be helpful today.

Peace to All and Extra Prayers to the American Victims of Katrina