Joke of the day . :)

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Mon Nov 18, 2013 6:15 pm

A man is shopping in a supermarket when a woman down the end of the aisle waves at him all friendly like . He's amused and pleased and walks toward her and asks does he know her.

"Yes" she says, "I'm sure you're the father of one of my children."

The man racks his brain for a memory of the the woman.

Then exclaims "OMG!!! you're not the the stripper I had sex with on the pool table at that bucks night, while the other stripper whacked my butt with a piece of wet celery are you?"

The woman looks at the man stunned, and says........"No I'm your sons' teacher."

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Wandrin · Post by **Wandrin** » Mon Nov 18, 2013 8:12 pm

:wah::wah::wah::wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Nov 18, 2013 8:21 pm

At least the man can still laugh, If it was his child from a stripper he would be looking for 18 years of child support.

Arena · Post by **Arena** » Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:32 am

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart wouldbe just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:28 am

poor Mildred . :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Post by **jones jones** » Tue Nov 19, 2013 9:58 am

Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."

G#Gill · Post by **G#Gill** » Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:05 pm

Christmas Round

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round of golf.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning --- intercourse or golfcourse --- She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.' "

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Tue Feb 04, 2014 1:03 pm

This never stops being hilarious.

FG-administator · Post by **FG-administator** » Tue Feb 04, 2014 5:51 pm

CONVICTIONS RELATING TO MORECAMBE BAY COCKLE PICKERS' DISASTER

Session: 2013-14

Date tabled: 04.02.2014

Primary sponsor: Morris, David

That this House notes that Lin Liang Ren, Lin Mu Yong and Zhao Xiao Qing were all convicted for their involvement in the Morecambe Bay cockle pickers' disaster; further notes that the 10th anniversary of the disaster is in February 2014; considers that the people of Morecambe deserve to know how many years each served in prison in the UK; and further considers that the people of Morecambe deserve to know when they were deported and whether they are currently incarcerated in their native China.

Early day motion 1043 - CONVICTIONS RELATING TO MORECAMBE BAY COCKLE PICKERS' DISASTER - UK Parliament

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 7:27 am

FG;1447066 wrote: CONVICTIONS RELATING TO MORECAMBE BAY COCKLE PICKERS' DISASTER

Session: 2013-14

Date tabled: 04.02.2014

Primary sponsor: Morris, David

That this House notes that Lin Liang Ren, Lin Mu Yong and Zhao Xiao Qing were all convicted for their involvement in the Morecambe Bay cockle pickers' disaster; further notes that the 10th anniversary of the disaster is in February 2014; considers that the people of Morecambe deserve to know how many years each served in prison in the UK; and further considers that the people of Morecambe deserve to know when they were deported and whether they are currently incarcerated in their native China.

Early day motion 1043 - CONVICTIONS RELATING TO MORECAMBE BAY COCKLE PICKERS' DISASTER - UK Parliament

Almost funny, but not really a joke....................is it ?

FG-administator · Post by **FG-administator** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 7:54 am

Bruv;1447117 wrote: Almost funny, but not really a joke....................is it ?

There's levels of irony running through it. Here's a few points.

David Morris is the local Morecambe Conservative MP.

Morecambe Bay Disaster (Aftermath): 29 Jan 2014: Westminster Hall debates is his recent mini-debate, it's obvious from it that he was unaware last week that the convicted Gangmaster had been released from prison over Christmas and deported back to China after serving half his 14 year sentence.

Nobody else in the House has signed his early day motion. It would appear his attempt at memorializing has fallen on uncaring ears.

Ann Winterton? May I mention the detestable Northern Conservative MP with the skewed sense of humour? She's famous for three things, one of which was a scandalous attempt at cracking a joke at an official dinner party in London while the bodies were still unclaimed: One shark turned to the other to say he was fed up chasing tuna and the other said, 'Why don't we go to Morecambe Bay and get some Chinese?'.

I don't think David Morris can really compete with Ann Winterton in expressing typical Conservative contempt for those trapped in the underclass. If he ends up with a couple of hundred signatures I'll apologize for the suggestion.

Cracking jokes about underclasses has always tripped up these Conservative plonkers - I exclude David Morris from that description, I had Liam Fox in mind. He's the prat who thought that repeating "a widely circulated joke" (which sums up the circles he moves in) was unexceptionable. What do you call three dogs and a blackbird? The Spice Girls.

They're beyond the pale, these people.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:05 am

FG;1447118 wrote: There's levels of irony running through it. Here's a few points.

David Morris is the local Morecambe Conservative MP.

Morecambe Bay Disaster (Aftermath): 29 Jan 2014: Westminster Hall debates is his recent mini-debate, it's obvious from it that he was unaware last week that the convicted Gangmaster had been released from prison over Christmas and deported back to China after serving half his 14 year sentence.

Nobody else in the House has signed his early day motion. It would appear his attempt at memorializing has fallen on uncaring ears.

Ann Winterton? May I mention the detestable Northern Conservative MP with the skewed sense of humour? She's famous for three things, one of which was a scandalous attempt at cracking a joke at an official dinner party in London while the bodies were still unclaimed: One shark turned to the other to say he was fed up chasing tuna and the other said, 'Why don't we go to Morecambe Bay and get some Chinese?'.

I don't think David Morris can really compete with Ann Winterton in expressing typical Conservative contempt for those trapped in the underclass. If he ends up with a couple of hundred signatures I'll apologize for the suggestion.

Cracking jokes about underclasses has always tripped up these Conservative plonkers - I exclude David Morris from that description, I had Liam Fox in mind. He's the prat who thought that repeating "a widely circulated joke" (which sums up the circles he moves in) was unexceptionable. What do you call three dogs and a blackbird? The Spice Girls.

They're beyond the pale, these people.

It's funny............marvelous topic, very funny in a strange way..............but never the less, in my own very umble opinion.....totally inappropriately placed in the thread entitled "Joke of the day"

It is well worth a thread of it's own.

Post by **LarsMac** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:05 am

Bruv;1447141 wrote: It's funny............marvelous topic, very funny in a strange way..............but never the less, in my own very umble opinion.....totally inappropriately placed in the thread entitled "Joke of the day"

It is well worth a thread of it's own.

After reading up on the events leading up to this, I quite agree.

FG-administator · Post by **FG-administator** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:17 am

LarsMac;1447152 wrote: After reading up on the events leading up to this, I quite agree.

You don't consider amusing the sight of a Conservative MP bewailing the deportation of a Chinese national and saying he should still be living at our expense in the UK where he belongs?

Maybe you'd need to live here to appreciate the full embarrassment.

Post by **LarsMac** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:21 am

FG;1447154 wrote: You don't consider amusing the sight of a Conservative MP bewailing the deportation of a Chinese national and saying he should still be living at our expense in the UK where he belongs?

Maybe you'd need to live here to appreciate the full embarrassment.

Well, it did take me a while to get it, and, having 'got it' I agree with you, but It seems to put a damper on the spirit of the thread, in my poor little mind.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:34 am

FG;1447118 wrote: There's levels of irony running through it. Here's a few points.

David Morris is the local Morecambe Conservative MP.

Morecambe Bay Disaster (Aftermath): 29 Jan 2014: Westminster Hall debates is his recent mini-debate, it's obvious from it that he was unaware last week that the convicted Gangmaster had been released from prison over Christmas and deported back to China after serving half his 14 year sentence.

Nobody else in the House has signed his early day motion. It would appear his attempt at memorializing has fallen on uncaring ears.

Ann Winterton? May I mention the detestable Northern Conservative MP with the skewed sense of humour? She's famous for three things, one of which was a scandalous attempt at cracking a joke at an official dinner party in London while the bodies were still unclaimed: One shark turned to the other to say he was fed up chasing tuna and the other said, 'Why don't we go to Morecambe Bay and get some Chinese?'.

I don't think David Morris can really compete with Ann Winterton in expressing typical Conservative contempt for those trapped in the underclass. If he ends up with a couple of hundred signatures I'll apologize for the suggestion.

Cracking jokes about underclasses has always tripped up these Conservative plonkers - I exclude David Morris from that description, I had Liam Fox in mind. He's the prat who thought that repeating "a widely circulated joke" (which sums up the circles he moves in) was unexceptionable. What do you call three dogs and a blackbird? The Spice Girls.

They're beyond the pale, these people.

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Wow!! That's a knee slapper.

tude dog · Post by **tude dog** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:28 pm

Two Redneck fishermen sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a lake.

Joe-Bob feels a tug and pulls up the line. At the end is a Jug. As Joe-Bob grabs the Jug to show it to Homer, a Genie pops out!

The Genie then thanks Joe-Bob for rescuing him from the Jug and offers him one wish as a reward.

Joe-Bob gives it thought then asks that

THE LAKE BE FULL OF BEER!

No sooner said than done. All the water in the lake turns to beer.

Big smiles, Joe-Bob looks to his buddy Homer and asks, "Well watta ya think of that?".

Homer tells Joe-Bob I think you are a fricking a-hole.

Stunned Joe-Bob asks why, what is the problem?

Homer asks Joe-Bob

"NOW WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSE TO PISS?"

Post by **LarsMac** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 5:00 pm

Now, THAT, is funny.

Lady J · Post by **Lady J** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:30 pm

Not one of my best...but here goes.

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I'm celebrating"" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence" said the farmer. While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?" " My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence!"

fuzzywuzzy · Post by **fuzzywuzzy** » Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:39 pm

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! that's priceless Lady J!!!!!! i just laughed out loud and everyone looked at me .