Ways to avoid a Southern butt-kicking...

[valerie]

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting

Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and

Southwestern Urbanites



1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle

House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them

cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.



2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy

Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick

your butt.



3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.

Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's *** whether it's

Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.

Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.



4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than

you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and

generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or

we'll kick your butt.



5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed

Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).

Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think

we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her butt.



6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had

listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of

sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead

of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the

carving, we'll kick your butt.



7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or

we'll kick your butt.



8.) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will

instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended

with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.



9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot,

and you will get your butt kicked.



10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home

because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like

Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't

like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before

it gets kicked.



11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this

way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't

understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us

alone, or we'll kick your butt.



12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.

None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine

about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all the way back to Boston

Harbor.



13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and

ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks

because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves

around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some

manners into your butt just like they did ours.



14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us

live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live

in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or

Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.



15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and

tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after

it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize

our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your butt.



--------------------

[Philadelphia Eagle]

Can I add one more?

Do not enter a bar in Bainbridge, GA talking in a yankee accent and wearing a 'Phillies' ball cap when the entire bar patronage is watching a ballgame on TV between Atlanta and Philadelphia.

Further do NOT loudly cheer when the Phillies score a 'homer' otherwise you will be chased out of the bar by an angry mob threatening violence against your person.

Kicking butt was only a mild preliminary to what I understood they had in mind!

[lady cop]

further, just ask Bothwell, do not try to order in a restaurant with an English accent.

[Porpoise]

Especially don't mess with the state of Texas. We DO have the death penalty here and we FULLY enforce it. You'll get a lot more than a butt-kicking if you decide to mess with Texas.

[turbonium]

If y'all really insis' on headin' down South, y'all best fill out this here appycayshun!!

APPLICATION TO BE A REDNECK

Name:_____________________________

Nickname:________________________________

CB Handle:______________________________

Address (RFD No.)_____________--_________________________

Daddy (if unknown, list 3 suspects):____________________________________

Mamma:___________________________________

Neck Shade:_________Light Red _________Medium Red __________Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_______ Lower________

Name of Pickup owned:________________________

Height of Truck________________

Truck equipped with:

Gun Rack ______4-Wheel Drive ______Confederate Flag _______

Cassette Deck ______Load of Wood ______Hijacker Shocks _______Radar Detector ______

Mag Wheels ______Dual CB Antennas _______Spittoon ______Camper Top ______

Air Horns _______Mud Flaps ______Toothpick Holder ______Mug-Grip Tires _______

Racoon Hide ______Big Dog

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup:_________

BUMPER STICKERS:

Eat More Possum _____My other car is a piece of **** too _____Honk if you're horny _____

If you ain't a cowboy you ain't **** _____Redman Chewing Tobacco _____Wave if you're horny ___

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins ?. Pinto Beans 8. ****-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin' Fry 19. Shonuf ?. Sidemeat 10.Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:

Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation

Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin'____

4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____

Noodlin' ____Other

Name of son(s):

Bubba _______Jim Bob _______LeeRoy ______J.D.

Name of Daughter(s):

PammySue ______Violet ______Paulette _____Daisy

Weapons owned: _____Deer Rifle _____Sawed-off Shotgun _____Varmit Rifle _____Log Cabin _____Tire Iron _____Power Chain Saw _____Pick Handle _____Hick'ry Switch

Number of Dogs:_____ Type:_____Blue Tick ______Black & Tan _______Beagle _______Bird Dawg >

Cap Emblem: _____John Deer _____McCullock Chain Saws _____Budweiser _____Vo-Tech _____Skoal _____Coors _____NAPA _____Smile If You're Not Wearing Underwear

Number of Dependants: _______Legal _______Claimed

Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

Number of Welfare Checks Received:_________

Memberships:

KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___ United Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society

Length of Right Leg:__________

Length of Left Leg:___________

Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red?Yes ___No___

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?__________

How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?________

Do you own any shoes? _____Yes _____No If yes, how many?_________

What year did you last purchase shoes?_________

Are you married to any of the following: _______Sister _______Cousin ________Sow

Do you know her name? _____________

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?_________

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?___________

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?__________

If so, why?_______________________________________________________________

Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?___________________ To 21 with your fly up?_________________

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?______________

Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?_______________

Medical Information:

Do you have at least two of the following:

BO ____Crabs ____Head Lice _____Rabies ____Trench Mouth _____Runny Nose _____Bad Breath ____Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN, YOU MAY BE STILL QUALIFY TO ATTEND AUBURN UNIVERSITY. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER.



Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?

[Wolverine]

Gawd Dang, Son! That thar wuz funny. Fer a minit, I dun thot i wuz gunna pee in ma pants.

Seriously, how can I send this to my personal e-mail?? I have family in Alabama that i am always giving crap to. 'Course, I would have to print it out and snail mail it to them. But still...

[john8pies]

Priceless! Thank you all for the laugh!