Koan's notes on the OT: Book 3 - Leviticus

[koan]

Genesis

Exodus

Leviticus 1

There are a lot of rules in this book. It makes me hesitate to wear Levis ever again.

When it comes to sacrifice, God likes males. Unblemished. This seems weird as Jacob's triumph with livestock in the past involved breeding really strong spotted animals. Additionally, God wants the animals flayed so why care what spots they have on them? (I'm wondering if spot chose his name to avoid a flaying)

I can't decide if this book begins as God's Cookbook or God's Guide To Good Butchery.

[koan]

Leviticus 2

God describes how He likes His food cooked and decides he likes salt. Presumably He's not too worried about cholesterol or blood pressure. Again with the 'no leaven'. Go pita bread! Score one for the Mexicans. Also, He doesn't like His fruit cooked so... down with pie! Is pumpkin a fruit or a vegetable? Cuz who doesn't like pumpkin pie?

[koan]

Leviticus 3

God makes it clear that He doesn't like animal fat or blood. It's not so clear whether or not He likes kidneys. I'm going to go with “no.” Different types of offerings are being outlined here and it's apparently more for the benefit of the priests than for the average Joe. So, unless you're an animal killing holy man, don't worry about it.

Of course that's coming from someone not entirely clear of burning in hell. :p

[koan]

Leviticus 4

Sin will be forgiven if you kill a bullock. Ignore the Sex Pistols, do mind the bullocks. God wouldn't be nearly as happy with a flayed Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious. I'd bet that even Malcolm McLaren is now discovering that bullocks do, indeed, make up for a multitude of sins, including ignorance.

[spot]

koan;1340474 wrote: It's not so clear whether or not He likes kidneys. I'm going to go with "no."Wrong call, take two smites and miss a turn. Kidneys are right up there top of the menu along with those stringy fatty bits you reckon He doesn't like - mmm kidney. And blood's unkosher simply because God wants first dibs on all of it.

There may be a conceptual leap you need to make - the altar's not for cooking, it's for consuming with fire. Even on a bad day I never go that far with a pot-roast.

[koan]

spot;1340486 wrote: Wrong call, take two smites and miss a turn. Kidneys are right up there top of the menu along with those stringy fatty bits you reckon He doesn't like - mmm kidney. And blood's unkosher simply because God wants first dibs on all of it.

There may be a conceptual leap you need to make - the altar's not for cooking, it's for consuming with fire. Even on a bad day I never go that far with a pot-roast.
Well, with 600 000 people there and the volume of animals that are being ordered to slaughter, its a good thing they're ashing all of it or they'd be over run with corpses and flies.

This whole section is hard to absorb as it's being read by a person who would be vegetarian if I had to kill my own food. So, reading the details of how to separate all the bits a pieces of slaughtered animals just results in glazed eyes. I notice when stuff is repeated... that's about it.

As far as getting smote goes, there doesn't seem much chance of avoiding that. God's an angry dude with a short temper. His knee jerk reaction is to smite.

[spot]

koan;1340566 wrote: As far as getting smote goes, there doesn't seem much chance of avoiding that. God's an angry dude with a short temper. His knee jerk reaction is to smite.
Typical unreconstructed male, eh?

[koan]

Leviticus 5

If you sin you can buy yourself out of a smiting with a burnt offering. If you trespass on the laws you can also buy your way out of a smiting. Since guilt is described as “Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a man shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these. “ You can be pretty sure that, at any given moment, you have sinned or trespassed... whether it was good or evil you intended, whether you knew it or didn't, you shall be guilty of at least one thing at all times.

Keep a lot of livestock handy.

[koan]

Leviticus 6

I'm feeling sorry for the priests. They're told they have to eat the remainder of every meat offering then told moments later that every meat offering for the priest “shall be wholly burnt: it shall not be eaten. I've been given such instruction at work. Inevitably it's a set up.

It doesn't seem important which example of a sin or trespass He is using as we've heard the rules before. This is mostly just a set of instructions for Aaron and his sons who are likely peeking over shoulders at each others notes and finding they all just have big question marks doodled along the edges of the page.

[recovering conservative]

I think God could have abridged the first nine chapters at least with something like: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it.

[koan]

It is somewhat curious to read considering the people were starving yet have all of these animals. I can't reconcile how they ate the strange manna bread that may have been tree lice for 40 years instead of killing a frickin' cow.

[recovering conservative]

I don't know what the manna was all about, but I do know that most modern archaeologists -- including two of the most renowned Israeli archaeologists -- Israel Finkelstein and Neil Asher Silberman, say that the flight from Egypt has to be understood as an allegory -- there just is no physical evidence for such a large movement of people in the Sinai Desert during that period of time.

[koan]

I'm not overly concerned with whether it's literal or not. I'm looking at it from a good storytelling perspective. They've had lots of time to clean up loose ends and plot holes so it surprises me that any exist.

Leviticus 7

People can also make peace offerings without having sinned, trespassed or otherwise offended God. It's unclear whether this will get them off the hook for little transgressions. Not sure if they can prepay for a sin. "Get out of plague free" card.

Aside from wondering how fat Aaron is going to get trying to eat all of the leftovers, I'm wondering what happened to the whole “we're leaving” thing. They're supposed to be travelling by smoking ark right now and we're still bogged down in all these specifics of animal slaughter. Get with the going already!

[spot]

Hah! You're in for such a shock when you find how long it takes them to get where they're headed...

[koan]

Leviticus 8

We play Mr Dressup with Aaron in a sample sacrifice. From the sounds of it, it took half a day to get him and his sons done up in the special gear so I hope they pulled off more than one killing before the day was done. Did I just say that out loud? Ok. I got confused because they altared the bits that God wanted and burnt the rest then, after it was burnt, they killed it. And Moses smeared its already burnt but fresh blood on Aaron's a) right ear b) right thumb c) right big toe. This really bothers me because I'm a bit OCD about liking things to be balanced. I'd be walking around at an angle all day.

There are a few mentions in the Bible of “wave offerings” and “heave offerings.” I originally pictured them waving bits of meat around in the air or tossing them summarily. I was wrong. It means something else that really isn't important... But neither involves flying meat.

[koan]

spot;1340761 wrote: Hah! You're in for such a shock when you find how long it takes them to get where they're headed...


I'm reading ahead but ... argh! yeah they become the expert wanderers of all generations.

[koan]

re: the sacrifice rituals and impressing the people with God's fire and flame...

Leviticus 9

They got better at it the next time.

[koan]

Leviticus 10

Aaron's sons presumably come up with a cool idea to improve the fire part of the stage show. They die. Shortly thereafter Moses announces that there shall be no alcohol in proximity to the tabernacle.

At least they died happy.

oh, Moses does a sort of "Gee, Aaron, that sucks that your sons died... but it must have been their fault." To which Aaron replies "I just lost two of my sons what more does God want from me?" To which Moses replies "Alrighty then. Take the rest of the day off."

[koan]

Leviticus 11

A bit of food advice: Don't eat camels or pigs. Don't eat birds that eat dead things. Don't eat some other birds that, if you can find all of them out there in the desert, you can't be that hard up for food. Don't try to eat an alligator. Bugs are okay yummy if they are locusts, beetles, or grasshoppers. Things that have paws are a no-no. Don't eat an animal that just up and dies on its own... also don't eat anything the strangely dead animal touches. Don't eat things with no legs or things with too many legs to count.

All of this seems like fairly sage advice. Though rabbit can be pretty tasty and I'd swap it for the bugs any day of the week.

[koan]

Leviticus 12

Concerning the uncleanliness of childbirth; which, apparently, aside from the peeing all over things, is kind of bloody gross (though a miracle that proves the existence of God). God says that giving birth to males is less unclean but, either way, on top of squeezing a small person out of their groins, the women should offer a sacrifice. Personally, I'd feel a lot better after childbirth if I got to kill something so... good by me. If I get to kill it myself, all the better.

[koan]

Leviticus 13

Lucky number thirteen again, there is a bit of a plague and leprosy problem. God tells them how to deal with it, though He leaves out why they are being punished with plague and leprosy... since this was supposed to be a specific God curse and He was supposed to have spared the Hebrews from it by virtue of them being all chosen.

Obviously there was some sinning going on. Or God just wanted to remind them that things could be worse.

[koan]

Leviticus 14

Leprosy continued. Also what to do about their houses and possibly lice. Childbirth ain't sounding so bad all of a sudden, huh?

Leviticus 15

What to do about oozes, sores, spit, semen and menstrual blood.

Leviticus 16

Aaron is still kinda pissed about his sons blowing up and has become a little tabernacle shy. God tells Moses to do a little run through sacrifice to get him back into the game. They give him some alone time with the altar and reunite him with his special clothes. A little reminder that dressing up makes you feel better about yourself.

[koan]

add on to Leviticus 16 that Moses carefully placed Urim and Thummim on Aaron's breastplate before he went into his pow wow with God so I presume he's gone in to ask a bunch of 'yes' or 'no' questions until he feels like he's part of God's plan again. Also, perhaps as a result, God introduces the scapegoat.

[koan]

Leviticus 17

The people have “gone a whoring” so God has to remind them how much worshipping other gods gets them smote. He also has to remind them not to eat blood so you know someone had a little too much party punch and got the munchies.

[koan]

Leviticus 18

God seems a little surprised that the people are still following the ways of Egypt, where He dropped them for 430 years. Maybe next time He'll shave a couple hundred years off the abandonment .

From what follows, you'd think that the Egyptians were the ones who thought up sleeping with their relatives. He used to be perfectly happy with keeping it in the family as a matter of preference. Regardless, it is now unacceptable to “uncover nakedness” with close relatives and neighbours.

God seemingly bans homosexuality but the actual words are “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. “ I think most people would agree that men generally don't have sex with other men the same way they do with women. Maybe for the same reason but certainly not the same way.

[koan]

Leviticus 19

God repeats some of the commandments which the people are probably ignoring and oddly adds “Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind I call it odd because... wasn't it God that cursed them with deafness and put the stumbling block of being blind on them? It's even odder when He later declares that anyone with a flaw is banned from being a priest. That's a bit of a stumbling block, no?

Notably, the Golden Rule shows up in this chapter. “Love thy neighbour as thyself. This rule applies not so much when your neighbour is living on the promised land. At this point He's also feeling more generous with strangers. Not so much when the strangers are living on the promised land.

God doesn't want corners shaved. Neither fields nor heads nor beards. I've cut a lot of hair and never once thought of hair as being square like with “corners. This could change my whole perspective on hairdos.

[koan]

Leviticus 20

The current problem is people sacrificing their children to Molech, one of the old gods. They are also consulting with witches and magicians. Since they are in the middle of the desert... obviously some of them are witches and magicians.

God repeats a number of rules and commandments followed by “Come on, people. There is clean and there is unclean. Which one do you think will get smote?”

[koan]

Leviticus 21

Remember how God said to not be mean to deaf and blind people? That's because He's got it covered on His own. Add to that all the folks with anything wrong with them, specifically blind, crippled, deformed, hunchback, dwarfed, itchy, scratchy, oozy or scabby or with broken... balls. Oh, presumably women too. None of them are allowed to be priests. Also, priests can only marry virgins and high priests aren't allowed to see their dead relatives. So God can dish it out but doesn't want to have to look at what He's done.

[koan]

Leviticus 22

God continues to be really antsy about who touches His stuff. He also repeats His distaste for anything flawed or malformed. Of course we know malformations and flaws are caused by God so He's really just reminding us that He made them that way because He doesn't like them... that's why He flawed them... so keep them out of His sight... and don't give them to Him as food because obviously they'll taste bad!... Duh!

[koan]

Leviticus 23

Nothing to report here. It's about holy feast days. If you like ritual for ritual's sake, by all means look them up.

[koan]

Leviticus 24

An eye for an eye. So this poor sap curses God... like that's ever a good idea. Stoning is introduced, followed by the “eye for an eye” speech. So... really, God should have just come up with a good insult like “Damn that son of Shelomith! He's a right bastard.” Instead, he had the guy stoned. On top of that, right after God tells them to stone the curser, He announces that “whoever kills another person must be put to death.” Doh! Master of the set up, He is. Nevertheless, if they don't kill him when God says, they'll be punished for it so... damned if you do and damned if you don't. Can't say I blame them for deciding to take a turn throwing the rock.

[koan]

Leviticus 25

God creates market fluctuation in real estate by making every seventh year (the Jubilee) a crop ban so all land is unusable. The problem with his pricing method seems to be that every seven years will be minus only one year of gain no matter when you buy it. So if you buy right before the Jubilee you get the land for nothing, only have to sit on it for a year and it's good to resell for seven times the profit. Not so fast, you capitalist swine, at the Jubilee time the original owner gets the land back... so you're just renting it.

Thinking of ownership issues, God's giving them the land right? Wrong. He asserts that the land is actually only borrowed as, of course, it all belongs to Him. So He can give it to whoever He wants for however long He wants then take it back. I'd be a little concerned about going over the terms of the agreement again. They got the rules and laws in writing but it didn't specifically include the part about what they get in return. They might have just run out of stone at that point.

[koan]

oh, Leviticus 25 cont.

Additionally, God decrees that none of the Israelites should be made slaves since that's what God was saving them from. If a Hebrew has to sell themselves then you can buy them to help them out but don't actually treat them like a slave. I'm not sure where the other slaves are coming from since none of the Hebrews, who were slaves, should have had their own slaves... otherwise, they could have just had their slaves do all the slave work for them.

[koan]

Leviticus 26

Here God gives a short list of what they get if they do, and a pretty hefty warning about what happens if they don't, follow the rules.

Pros
Rain and the resulting crops

Safety from harmful animals and enemy armies

Fertility

So much food they'll have to throw some away

Pride


Cons
Endless fear

Slavery

Slaughter at the hands of their enemies

Plagues

Children eaten by wild animals

Barren land

Constant hunger

They'll eat their own children... the ones the animals didn't get


Kind of puts a spin on God stating that the people shall offer Him sacrifices willingly. But, just to show He's not unreasonable, He states that if the people bring down His punishments their ancestors, if they confess that they sinned and repent, will only be slightly hated. God talks about choosing to remember His promises to their ancestors as if forgetting those promises is a more convenient thing to do.

[koan]

Leviticus 27

This one is all about value.

God puts a dollar amount on people depending on their age and gender. Presumably this excludes those who are flawed because they're worthless and He doesn't want them. I'm unsure why people are paying to give themselves when the following prices set for land and livestock imply the priests are buying them from the people. But the people prices are stated as if the people are buying themselves. It doesn't say what happens if they can't pay. The priest can lower the price if the person is poor but it doesn't look like there can be a freebee.

Also, no swapping good animals for bad when the priests aren't looking.

I feel a little disappointed that this section of law ends on a monetary note.

[koan]

Summary of Leviticus

It's a rule book.

If you're a priest this part is really important for its “how to” tips.

Not only is God watching you but He's got all His people watching you too. If you screw up the whole tribe is at risk of having to eat their own children so you can bet they're going to tell on you.

Everything has a price.

[spot]

An impressive summation, thank you.

There's a possible comparison between God and Forum Moderation, it strikes me. Except Forum Moderators aren't condemned to be unchangeable without end amen. I remember being pretty Levitical now and then.

[koan]

spot;1341493 wrote: An impressive summation, thank you.

There's a possible comparison between God and Forum Moderation, it strikes me. Except Forum Moderators aren't condemned to be unchangeable without end amen. I remember being pretty Levitical now and then.
:yh_dance

I did good!

Not sure about the analogy though, after reading about the baby eating. Tombstone isn't quite that morbid.

[koan]

Book the third.