My daughter is getting married. She's 22 1/2, her boyfriend is 26. She is getting married in November, and their baby will be 3 months old by then. She told me that they were planning to marry anyway, but now they will also be starting a family.
I can think of a million reasons that "this won't work", but I also know that there are many similar situations which do work very well and I of course am praying that my daughter and her boyfriend truly do love one another and will be committed to each other.
I am making a wedding for them. Long story, but the bottom line is that she has had a very rough life due to many reasons, and I am happy to see her happy. She wants to have something that everyone else has...a wedding, a white dress, etc., so I am making that for her.
I have never met his parents, I have only met him a few times, and for a very few minutes each time. I want to have my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents to dinner, so we can get to meet and know one another. I also want to offer my old diamond to him, since I don't plan to re-set it, so that he can make a ring for her. But I want to do it without her knowledge so it can be a surprise. But, she has told me not to call him or his parents, that she will tell them that I want to take them to dinner, but so far she has not done a thing about it. My daughter does not share her thoughts and feelings with me, and doesn't really trust me too much. No, I have not done anything to cause her to distrust me, but because of the trauma she endured early in her childhood, she has "issues".
My question: do you think I should call his parents to invite them to dinner, even though she said not to? I mean, maybe she's telling them the same thing she's telling me...they're busy, etc., blah blah blah, and maybe they think that I'm the one that doesn't want to meet.
I really think I should call them and introduce myself, make the dinner arrangements, etc. even though she said not to. I mean, I'm spending thousands to make her the wedding she wants...
What do you think I should do?
Help, I need advice.
Help, I need advice.
from what you have said, i suspect there's a reason she doesn't want you to meet them, perhaps she's ashamed of them for some reason? if she wants you to stay out of it i think you must, just my opinion, because something is clearly bothering her about them. also...maybe you should think twice about handing over a diamond to him. something isn't right. i'd be thinking twice about spending thousands on a wedding under these circumstances. it feels like you are seeking her approval for the past 'issues'. IMO something is very wrong. do you know this guy's background? if not, please read "be your own private investigator" thread. i see red flags all over this.
Help, I need advice.
Take it from one who has given precious things to the first TWO of my
brother's wives and do not give your diamond away. Make it in to a
pendant or something for yourself, or hold on to it and at the 10 year
anniversary, give it to your daughter. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.
My little brother made me a pin-cushion in grade school out of an old sock
and a baby food jar, one of those little kids things, and I'll never see it
again. It hurts. (Current wife no. 3 hasn't been given anything!)
Lady Cop has excellent radar, and I have to agree with her. Something
just isn't right about this whole thing. I make no moral judgements about
having a baby before getting married... BUT this seems like it is
shaky at best, and I really question this guy. How long have they been
together? What kind of work does he do? I don't care if he's a janitor,
does he show up at work on time clear-eyed and clean-shaven?
Hate to be so suspicious, and you're right, things CAN work out. But
if I were you, I wouldn't call the other parents. Your daughter doesn't
trust you? Doesn't share thoughts and feelings with you? That's more
to work on I think than anything else!!
brother's wives and do not give your diamond away. Make it in to a
pendant or something for yourself, or hold on to it and at the 10 year
anniversary, give it to your daughter. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.
My little brother made me a pin-cushion in grade school out of an old sock
and a baby food jar, one of those little kids things, and I'll never see it
again. It hurts. (Current wife no. 3 hasn't been given anything!)
Lady Cop has excellent radar, and I have to agree with her. Something
just isn't right about this whole thing. I make no moral judgements about
having a baby before getting married... BUT this seems like it is
shaky at best, and I really question this guy. How long have they been
together? What kind of work does he do? I don't care if he's a janitor,
does he show up at work on time clear-eyed and clean-shaven?
Hate to be so suspicious, and you're right, things CAN work out. But
if I were you, I wouldn't call the other parents. Your daughter doesn't
trust you? Doesn't share thoughts and feelings with you? That's more
to work on I think than anything else!!
Help, I need advice.
NEWRUNNER,
As was stated by LADYCOP Something is wrong with this picture.
I would stay out of it. If your daughter is hidding something, it will come to the forefront soon enough. If she is truly happy to be getting married then why would she not allow you to invite them over for dinner.. MY HINKEE METER IS ON TILT :-3
Please don't offer you diamond up. If nothing else wait till after and see what the mystery is all about. Then if it appears on the up and up then maybe you can let your daughter know you are holding it for her.
Maybe you should have a straight talk with her, and express your concerns. If that doesn't work then just give her the invitation to give to them. For some reason she doesn't want you communicating with them. DON'T you would be betraying her trust and wishes by calling them. They are her future husband parents..
You have until November.. so there is time to figure out the mystery..
As was stated by LADYCOP Something is wrong with this picture.
I would stay out of it. If your daughter is hidding something, it will come to the forefront soon enough. If she is truly happy to be getting married then why would she not allow you to invite them over for dinner.. MY HINKEE METER IS ON TILT :-3
Please don't offer you diamond up. If nothing else wait till after and see what the mystery is all about. Then if it appears on the up and up then maybe you can let your daughter know you are holding it for her.
Maybe you should have a straight talk with her, and express your concerns. If that doesn't work then just give her the invitation to give to them. For some reason she doesn't want you communicating with them. DON'T you would be betraying her trust and wishes by calling them. They are her future husband parents..
You have until November.. so there is time to figure out the mystery..
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
Help, I need advice.
Eighteen months ago, my younger son married a girl he had known for about 5 weeks. They were 19 years old. I was devastated. He was about to go into the Coast Guard. I gave them everything I could to start a little home. They have a child . Hes 3 months old. I also gave them everything I could for the baby. Sweaters I knitted for my children while I was pregnant. Both of these young people have issues also. Her parents and I kept in touch reguarly. Regarding the "kids". Around Christmas time my daughter in law decided she didnt want to be married anymore. Shes packed up the baby and has gone back to her parents home. They wont let my son see his son, and I havent heard a word from the parents. Enabling is not a good thing to do.. even though it is difficult not to do it.
His parents could contact you if they wanted to. Hold on to your valuable possessions. Let them aquire possessions of their own, or wait until they have shown you that the relationship is solid, and that it is going to last.
His parents could contact you if they wanted to. Hold on to your valuable possessions. Let them aquire possessions of their own, or wait until they have shown you that the relationship is solid, and that it is going to last.
[FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][/FONT]
-
greydeadhead
- Posts: 1045
- Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 8:52 am
Help, I need advice.
NewRunner wrote: My daughter is getting married. She's 22 1/2, her boyfriend is 26. She is getting married in November, and their baby will be 3 months old by then. She told me that they were planning to marry anyway, but now they will also be starting a family.
I can think of a million reasons that "this won't work", but I also know that there are many similar situations which do work very well and I of course am praying that my daughter and her boyfriend truly do love one another and will be committed to each other.
I am making a wedding for them. Long story, but the bottom line is that she has had a very rough life due to many reasons, and I am happy to see her happy. She wants to have something that everyone else has...a wedding, a white dress, etc., so I am making that for her.
I have never met his parents, I have only met him a few times, and for a very few minutes each time. I want to have my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents to dinner, so we can get to meet and know one another. I also want to offer my old diamond to him, since I don't plan to re-set it, so that he can make a ring for her. But I want to do it without her knowledge so it can be a surprise. But, she has told me not to call him or his parents, that she will tell them that I want to take them to dinner, but so far she has not done a thing about it. My daughter does not share her thoughts and feelings with me, and doesn't really trust me too much. No, I have not done anything to cause her to distrust me, but because of the trauma she endured early in her childhood, she has "issues".
My question: do you think I should call his parents to invite them to dinner, even though she said not to? I mean, maybe she's telling them the same thing she's telling me...they're busy, etc., blah blah blah, and maybe they think that I'm the one that doesn't want to meet.
I really think I should call them and introduce myself, make the dinner arrangements, etc. even though she said not to. I mean, I'm spending thousands to make her the wedding she wants...
What do you think I should do?
Okay.. I willbe the first guy to jump into this one.. first let me get this kevlar body armor on.. okay.. here we go...
First off, I would tend to agree with you on the million reasons that this won't work, but I have atleast two couples that are close friends that followed similar routes.. acturally both couples were younger and had kids.. they are still going strong... soo.. I truely hope this will be the case for your daughter and her fiancee.
Second thing.. you mention a rough upbringing and issues that have caused her to distrust you.. yet you state in the same paragraph that you did nothing to cause this distrust. I am not slinging stones here but you must have done something.. or maybe you didn't do something and she feels you should have. But in any case, something happened and she doesn't feel that she can confide in you. You might want to explore this further and try to mend that bridge now.. before your grandchild is born and you get those grandparent feelings..
Third.. keep the stone.. the advice you have recieved on that one is dead on. It they are still going strong 10 years from now you can have it reset and give it to her as an anniversary gift.. or give it to your grandchild as a family keepsake..
Lastly.. meeting his parents. Perhaps some of the issues or distrust she has in you is impacting here decision here.. I would not go forward with calling and all that.. you will only alienate her more, especially after she has already told you she doesn't want you to do that..
Okay..
fire at will ladies....
I can think of a million reasons that "this won't work", but I also know that there are many similar situations which do work very well and I of course am praying that my daughter and her boyfriend truly do love one another and will be committed to each other.
I am making a wedding for them. Long story, but the bottom line is that she has had a very rough life due to many reasons, and I am happy to see her happy. She wants to have something that everyone else has...a wedding, a white dress, etc., so I am making that for her.
I have never met his parents, I have only met him a few times, and for a very few minutes each time. I want to have my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents to dinner, so we can get to meet and know one another. I also want to offer my old diamond to him, since I don't plan to re-set it, so that he can make a ring for her. But I want to do it without her knowledge so it can be a surprise. But, she has told me not to call him or his parents, that she will tell them that I want to take them to dinner, but so far she has not done a thing about it. My daughter does not share her thoughts and feelings with me, and doesn't really trust me too much. No, I have not done anything to cause her to distrust me, but because of the trauma she endured early in her childhood, she has "issues".
My question: do you think I should call his parents to invite them to dinner, even though she said not to? I mean, maybe she's telling them the same thing she's telling me...they're busy, etc., blah blah blah, and maybe they think that I'm the one that doesn't want to meet.
I really think I should call them and introduce myself, make the dinner arrangements, etc. even though she said not to. I mean, I'm spending thousands to make her the wedding she wants...
What do you think I should do?
Okay.. I willbe the first guy to jump into this one.. first let me get this kevlar body armor on.. okay.. here we go...
First off, I would tend to agree with you on the million reasons that this won't work, but I have atleast two couples that are close friends that followed similar routes.. acturally both couples were younger and had kids.. they are still going strong... soo.. I truely hope this will be the case for your daughter and her fiancee.
Second thing.. you mention a rough upbringing and issues that have caused her to distrust you.. yet you state in the same paragraph that you did nothing to cause this distrust. I am not slinging stones here but you must have done something.. or maybe you didn't do something and she feels you should have. But in any case, something happened and she doesn't feel that she can confide in you. You might want to explore this further and try to mend that bridge now.. before your grandchild is born and you get those grandparent feelings..
Third.. keep the stone.. the advice you have recieved on that one is dead on. It they are still going strong 10 years from now you can have it reset and give it to her as an anniversary gift.. or give it to your grandchild as a family keepsake..
Lastly.. meeting his parents. Perhaps some of the issues or distrust she has in you is impacting here decision here.. I would not go forward with calling and all that.. you will only alienate her more, especially after she has already told you she doesn't want you to do that..
Okay..
fire at will ladies....
Feed your spirit by living near it -- Magic Hat Brewery bottle cap
Help, I need advice.
greydeadhead,
:yh_worshp :yh_worshp YOU NAILED IT..!! EXCELLENT POST ..
Okay.. I willbe the first guy to jump into this one.. first let me get this kevlar body armor on.. okay.. here we go...
First off, I would tend to agree with you on the million reasons that this won't work, but I have atleast two couples that are close friends that followed similar routes.. acturally both couples were younger and had kids.. they are still going strong... soo.. I truely hope this will be the case for your daughter and her fiancee.
Second thing.. you mention a rough upbringing and issues that have caused her to distrust you.. yet you state in the same paragraph that you did nothing to cause this distrust. I am not slinging stones here but you must have done something.. or maybe you didn't do something and she feels you should have. But in any case, something happened and she doesn't feel that she can confide in you. You might want to explore this further and try to mend that bridge now.. before your grandchild is born and you get those grandparent feelings..
Third.. keep the stone.. the advice you have recieved on that one is dead on. It they are still going strong 10 years from now you can have it reset and give it to her as an anniversary gift.. or give it to your grandchild as a family keepsake..
Lastly.. meeting his parents. Perhaps some of the issues or distrust she has in you is impacting here decision here.. I would not go forward with calling and all that.. you will only alienate her more, especially after she has already told you she doesn't want you to do that..
Okay..
fire at will ladies....
:yh_worshp :yh_worshp YOU NAILED IT..!! EXCELLENT POST ..
Okay.. I willbe the first guy to jump into this one.. first let me get this kevlar body armor on.. okay.. here we go...
First off, I would tend to agree with you on the million reasons that this won't work, but I have atleast two couples that are close friends that followed similar routes.. acturally both couples were younger and had kids.. they are still going strong... soo.. I truely hope this will be the case for your daughter and her fiancee.
Second thing.. you mention a rough upbringing and issues that have caused her to distrust you.. yet you state in the same paragraph that you did nothing to cause this distrust. I am not slinging stones here but you must have done something.. or maybe you didn't do something and she feels you should have. But in any case, something happened and she doesn't feel that she can confide in you. You might want to explore this further and try to mend that bridge now.. before your grandchild is born and you get those grandparent feelings..
Third.. keep the stone.. the advice you have recieved on that one is dead on. It they are still going strong 10 years from now you can have it reset and give it to her as an anniversary gift.. or give it to your grandchild as a family keepsake..
Lastly.. meeting his parents. Perhaps some of the issues or distrust she has in you is impacting here decision here.. I would not go forward with calling and all that.. you will only alienate her more, especially after she has already told you she doesn't want you to do that..
Okay..
fire at will ladies....
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
Help, I need advice.
Wow, thanks you all for your input. I really don't think I'm going to call his parents, for the reason that she doesn't want me to, and that's up to her, not me.
As far as her not trusting me, there were situations which eventually made me realize that I had to go the "tough love" route. I had to quit rescuing her from her mistakes and bad decisions, and she held me responsible for the hard times in her life that followed as a result. But, I was not the one who made those bad decisions, I wasn't the one who bucked authority and ended up with legal problems, I could go on and on, but I won't. I did all that I could to guide her and teach her, but as I said before, there came a time when she had to face the consequences of her actions, and I couldn't bail her out anymore.
It was a very very rough 3 years, but now she is maturing, she values things a bit more realistically since she's seen a bit of "reality".
I don't think that her hesitation is because she's ashamed of him, his parents, or because she's hiding anything. Although we have grown closer over the past 6 months, I think she still sees me as "the enemy", and it is just going to take more time and more maturity on her part to see that I was doing what I could to help her go in the right direction in life.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" .
Oh, and I'll hold on to the diamond.
As far as her not trusting me, there were situations which eventually made me realize that I had to go the "tough love" route. I had to quit rescuing her from her mistakes and bad decisions, and she held me responsible for the hard times in her life that followed as a result. But, I was not the one who made those bad decisions, I wasn't the one who bucked authority and ended up with legal problems, I could go on and on, but I won't. I did all that I could to guide her and teach her, but as I said before, there came a time when she had to face the consequences of her actions, and I couldn't bail her out anymore.
It was a very very rough 3 years, but now she is maturing, she values things a bit more realistically since she's seen a bit of "reality".
I don't think that her hesitation is because she's ashamed of him, his parents, or because she's hiding anything. Although we have grown closer over the past 6 months, I think she still sees me as "the enemy", and it is just going to take more time and more maturity on her part to see that I was doing what I could to help her go in the right direction in life.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" .
Oh, and I'll hold on to the diamond.
Help, I need advice.
NEWRUNNER,
You did the best you could. I can relate, I had much the same situtation with my daughter. You can only do so much then you have to let the sink or swim on their own.
You will do the right thing I'm sure.. She will come around in time. :yh_hugs
We all want the best for our children, and sometimes it's hard to watch them struggle.
You did the best you could. I can relate, I had much the same situtation with my daughter. You can only do so much then you have to let the sink or swim on their own. You will do the right thing I'm sure.. She will come around in time. :yh_hugs
We all want the best for our children, and sometimes it's hard to watch them struggle.
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
Help, I need advice.
Well, I found out today that the reason that she can't get the parents to commit to a date for dinner is that both of them have sick parents. Keith's (my future son-in-law) paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother are both seriously ill, and his parents are always leaving on short trips to tend to their needs. So, whatever happens happens, and I am comfortable with that.