need some advice

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 10:28 pm

welcome to FG.........and in a nutshell, it is only my opinion, but it is always best to let a child know their parents, both of them, and if one is not perfect they will figure it out over the years. give them the option. this is assuming the parent in question is not a substance abuser, criminal, or a danger to the child.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 11:08 pm

lady cop wrote: welcome to FG.........and in a nutshell, it is only my opinion, but it is always best to let a child know their parents, both of them, and if one is not perfect they will figure it out over the years. give them the option. this is assuming the parent in question is not a substance abuser, criminal, or a danger to the child.

Good advice-----------I ditto that.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 11:27 pm

If you don't let her see him, years from now you could come out looking like the bad guy. He may not be parent of the year material, but he is still her parent and if she wants the chance to be around him, she should as long as you feel she will be safe.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:31 am

You are the mother and he is the father. Because he is not consistent with his visits is irritating, he sounds like he has issues. Let him see her and when she is older be honest if she asks why he wasn't always there for her. Don't start problems by not allowing visits, just watch closely and be patient. Maybe he will one day go away and never return?

cars · Post by **cars** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:52 am

single with 3 kids wrote: I am new here and was wanting some advice. My 8 year olds father wishes to see her after he has not been in her life for 2 solid years. This is not the first time either that he has done this. When she was 6years old he done the same thing but he had a an excuse that could have or not have been legit. But i gave him the benifit of the doubt. He would come and see her on the weekends for about 6months and then he just up and quite coming to see her. Now he wants to see her again i dont think he should see her but she wants to see him. Why she does other than him being her father i dont know but i think she is old enough to know whether she wants to see him or not. I would like to hear someone elses opinions on this. :-5

Single-You received some real good advice here from the Gardner's. I agree with them, the Father should be allowed to see his Daughter, "if it is safe for her".

Anyway, just curious, your signature says "3" kids, seems there are 2 others also. What about visitation rights for them? :-2

Cars :driving:

busybee · Post by **busybee** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 8:55 am

Don't know if this is any help to you. I know your circumstances will be different to what i experienced. But i grew up not knowing my dad and ended up resenting him for not being there for me. Comments from family members such as "you're like your father" confused me all the more. I think for a while i blamed my mother for him not being there and i did feel like i missed out on a lot - but wasn't sure exactly what i was missing.

I think you should be as honest as is practical with the kids (don't go into the gory details of the split) and let them make up their own minds. Children are little adults with memories and perceptions. I'm now a single parent too and my girls see their father once a fortnight, he takes them to his and his girlfriends house for the weekend. But it was their choice. I've explained that we can't live together but we both love our girls with all our hearts.

It won't always be this difficult for you.

Take care

Donnah x

Dixiespurgirl · Post by **Dixiespurgirl** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:22 pm

After my first husband voluntarily terminated his rights and signed two children over to me and my husband for adoption....well, I took a two year hiatus with "no visitation allowed" and it really helped the situation. Since the time gap, the kids WANTED to see their bio dad and I contacted him. We have taken baby steps, but the kids seem to enjoy all of this. I have always been open with my two kids and they know everything about their bio dad. We had a ROUGH breakup and divorce and the two years off really helped EVERYONE involved. It helped the kids become comfortable in their new family as well. No, I did not have to give him visitation at all after the adoption, but my kids deserve to know who their bio dad is. There are rules, everyone abides by them, and believe it or not we are all getting along pretty well so far.

I know it is hard to have a man bouncing back and forth, in and out of your lives. Someday he might bounce in or out for good...you never know. I would suggest letting her visit under supervision only and let them have some time to build some memories. She will figure out who and what he is in her own time.....but it needs to be her own judgement call when it comes to her feelings for him.

It's tough...really tough. It seems you and your daughter have had a "downtime" without him around...let him come back into your lives in a "different" view. Don't bring up old emotions...try to start from scratch. I know it's hard....very hard. You should be commended for all your hard work to raise three kids as well.

chicagolosina · Post by **chicagolosina** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 1:19 pm

I wholehearedly agree with every comment said in this thread. If the situation is safe, there is no reason to keep her from him.

Perhaps you could arrange meetings without your daughter knowing, and if he dosen't show up she won't be hurt (at that particular moment, I'm sure she misses him) and if he does, it's a good surprise to her.

Maybe you could talk to him and ask him not to mention to her when exactly he will see her since he hasn't been consistent. Explain to him that she is hurt by not having seen him and you want to avoid any further hurt to her. I'm sure he will inderstand. He could be feeling pretty guilty about not seeing her and dosen't know where to begin, you need to guide both of them.

Good luck!