Some Of My Mail

A forum to discuss local issues in Australia.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Just A Mum



A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk 's office

Was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.



'What I mean is,' explained the recorder,

'do you have a job or are you just a.....?'

'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.



'I'm a Mum.'

'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,'

Said the recorder emphatically.



I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the

Same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,

Efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,

'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'



'What is your occupation?' she probed.

What made me say it?

I do not know.

The words simply popped out.

'I'm a Research Associate in the field of

Child Development and Human Relations.'

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and

Looked up as though she had not heard right.



I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.

Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,

In bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,

'just what you do in your field?'

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,

I heard myself reply,

'I have a continuing program of research,

[what mother doesn't)

In the laboratory and in the field,

(normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)

And already have four credits (all daughters).

Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,

(any mother care to disagree?)

And I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).

But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are

More of a satisfaction rather than just money.'

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice

As she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered

Me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.

Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,

(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,

Testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!

And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than

'just another Mom.' Motherhood!



What a glorious career!

Especially when there's a title on the door.



Does this make grandmothers

'Senior Research associates in the field of

Child Development and Human Relations'

And great grandmothers

'Executive Senior Research Associates'?

I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts

'Associate Research Assistants'.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
Bruv
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Post by Bruv »

There is obviously no answer to that........
I thought I knew more than this until I opened my mouth
kayleneaussie
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Post by kayleneaussie »

Takes an Aussie to think of such a excellent occupation......congratulations...will use it next time I am asked:)
FOC THREAD PART 1
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Accountable
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Post by Accountable »

Great story! We should come up with an acronym for MOM or MOTHER.





:yh_think






.................................... I got nuthin'. :o Probly starts with Master though.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Accountable;766039 wrote: Great story! We should come up with an acronym for MOM or MOTHER.





:yh_think






.................................... I got nuthin'. :o Probly starts with Master though.


How about these

MTW = Mum's the Word

MEWM =Most Exceptional Working Mum :-6
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Many a true word is spoken in jest but this is so true that this is not funny....

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.



Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.



Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?'

'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.

'I don't understand,' he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'



Later the little boy asked his father,

'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'

'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man,

still wondering why women cry.



Finally he put in a call to God.



When God answered, he asked,

'God, why do women cry so easily?'



God said:

'When I made the woman she had to be Special.

I made Her Shoulders strong enough

to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave Her an Inner Strength

to endure childbirth

and the rejection

that many times comes from her children.

I gave Her a Hardness

that allows her to keep going

when everyone else gives up,

and take care of her family

through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave Her the sensitivity to Love her children

under any and All circumstances,

even when her child has Hurt Her Very Badly !

I gave Her Strength to carry her husband through his faults

and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.



I gave her Wisdom to know

that a good husband Never Hurts his wife,

but sometimes tests her strengths

and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed.

This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'



'You see my son,' said God,

'the Beauty of a Woman is not

in the clothes she wears,

the figure that she carries,

or the way she combs her hair.

The Beauty of a woman must be seen in Her Eyes,

because that is the doorway to Her Heart

- the place where Love resides.'
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell

her mother what she wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a

troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's

mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her

birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her

behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why

she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps

to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this

year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and

I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started

again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be

a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a

bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her

mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had

worked because Carol look ed very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

She looked around t o see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of

the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,

down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door

and sat down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO
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AussiePam
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Post by AussiePam »

That last post is a keeper, MrsK.... GUFFAW!!!!
"Life is too short to ski with ugly men"

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Imladris
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Post by Imladris »

I was feeling all soft and warm inside, then I read the last one! PMSL!:wah:
Originally Posted by spot

She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy





Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being

old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my

reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an

interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the

first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body!

I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging

butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror

(who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long. I

would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for

less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to

myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide

myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying

that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my

patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon;

before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business

is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until

noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the

60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and

will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying

glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of

life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your

heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even

when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give

us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine

and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair

turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep

grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before

their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less

about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even

earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me

free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but

while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or

worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I

feel like it)
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Importance of Walking





Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.





My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60

Now she's 97 years old and we don't kn ow where the hell she is.



The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



I like long walks, e specially when they are taken by people who annoy me.



I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.



If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.







.............And last but not least,



You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.









5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.









10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.









15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!







19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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AussiePam
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Post by AussiePam »

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Maybe I should make this my signature line... grin.

I like walking, because I like walking. And next time I'm in a small country, I'll try the nordic ski thing. In the meantime it's all downhill.
"Life is too short to ski with ugly men"

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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

The

Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and

It won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey

That he entered it in the race

Again, and it won again.



The local paper read:



PASTOR'S

ASS OUT FRONT.



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

Publicity that he ordered the

Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline

Read:



BISHOP

SCRATCHES

PASTOR'S

ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

Ordered the pastor to get rid

Of the donkey.



The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a

Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

The following headline

The

Next day:



NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to

Get rid of the donkey, so she

Sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:

NUN

SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

Ordered the nun to buy back the

Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run

Wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . Being

Concerned about public opinion

Can

Bring you much grief and misery . . Even shorten your

Life.



So be yourself and enjoy life.



Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and

You'll be a lot happier

And

Live longer!

Have

A nice day!
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. PASS MY SHOTGUN

2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING

3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE

4. PUFFY MID-SECTION

5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK

6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS

7. PARDON MY SOBBING

8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE

9. PASS MY SWEATS

10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME

11. PACK MY STUFF

&&& MY FAVORITE ONE

12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the bloody bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the **** out of you about it, every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4
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Accountable
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Post by Accountable »

:yh_rotfl Friendshipping myself laughing!
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Accountable;779575 wrote: :yh_rotfl Friendshipping myself laughing!


I am pleased you feel the warmth :yh_rotfl ;)
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

> * WHY I LOVE MUM *

>

>

>

>

> Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm tired, and it's getting

> late. I think I'll go to bed"

>

>

>

>

>

> She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

>

> Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for dinner the

> following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar

> container and put spoons and bowls on the table.

>

> She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the

> washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

>

> She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the

> charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

>

> She watered the plants, emptied a rubbish bin and hung up a towel to dry.

>

>

>

>

>

> She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the

> desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for an

> excursion, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

>

>

>

>

>

> She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the

> envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near

> her purse.

>

>

>

>

>

> Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution &

> age fighting moisturiser, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her

> nails.

>

>

>

>

>

> Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

>

>

>

>

>

> "I'm on my way," she said.

>

>

>

>

>

> She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made

> sure the doors were locked.

>

>

>

>

>

> She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and

> TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a

> brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

>

> In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,

> straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most

> important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualised the

> accomplishment of her goals.

>

>

>

>

>

> About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in

> particular. "I'm going to bed."

>

>

>

>

>

> And he did...without another thought.

>

>

>

>

>

> Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

>

>

>

>

>

> CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we

> still have things to do!!!!)
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

LIFE IS A MIRACLE







Life is a miracle, don't let it slip away.

Open your heart to others; give of yourself each day.

See the beauty in everyone regardless of where they've been.

Some have a difficult journey and really need a friend.

Share your gifts and talents; listen with your heart.

Do the things you dream about but don't have time to start.

Pick a bouquet of flowers; show someone that you care,

Be gracious and forgiving; life is never fair.

Hold on to your courage, you may need it down the road.

We all have a cross to bear; it could be a heavy load.

If you practice all these things, no matter where you roam,

You may find both sun and rain, but you'll never feel alone.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Subject: FW: Mean Mums - thats us ha ha ha





Someday when my children are old enough to

understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will

tell them, as my Mean Mum told me: I loved you

enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom,

and what time you would be home.



I loved you enough to be silent and let you

discover that your new best friend was a creep.



I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours

while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,

disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must

learn that their parents aren't perfect.



I loved you enough to let you assume the

responsibility for your actions even when the

penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.



But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say

NO when I knew you would hate me for it.



Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm

glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.

And someday when your children are old enough to

understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.



Was your Mum mean? I know mine was. We had the

meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids

ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twisties for lunch, we had to eat

sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was

different from what other kids had, too.



Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all

times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She

had to know who our friends were, and what we were

doing with them. She insisted that if we said we

would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.



We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve

to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work We

had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to

cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash

and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie

awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.



She always insisted on us telling the truth, the

whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time

we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had

eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough!



Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn

when they drove up. They had to come up to the door

so she could meet them. While everyone else could

date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.



Because of our mother we missed out on lots of

things other kids experienced. None of us have ever

been caught shoplifting, vandalising other's

property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.



Now that we have left home, we are all educated,

honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean

parents just like Mum was.



I think that is what's wrong with the world today.

It just doesn't have enough mean mums!





PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW.

(And Their Kids!!!)
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FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?





Second: How many seconds are there in a year?





Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humour out of life...





And to pass it on to other folk.
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Post by Accountable »

:wah: Oh great! Now I'll have to resist snickering every time I hear that song.
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Post by mrsK »

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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Post by mrsK »

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I

went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never

showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained

professional and I was in good hands. 'Now ,' she asked me, 'has your plane

arrived yet?'

They walk among us and they vote.
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Post by mrsK »

> A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was

> enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that

> he was dead.

>

> He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him

> had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was

> leading them.

>

> After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along

> one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the

> top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that

> glowed in the sunlight.

>

> When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in

> the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street

> that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog

> walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man

> at a de sk to one side.

>

> When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me,

> where are we?'

>

> 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

>

> 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man

> asked.

>

> 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some

> ice water brought right up.'

>

> The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

>

> 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog,

> 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

>

> 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

>

> The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the

> road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

>

> After another long walk, and at the top of another long

> hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate

> that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no

> fence.

>

> As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning

> against a tree and reading a book.

>

> 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have

> any water?'

>

> 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on

> in.'

>

> 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured

> to the dog.

>

> 'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

>

> They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an

> old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

>

> The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink

> himself, then he gave some to the dog.

>

> When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the

> man who was standing by the tree.

>

> 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

>

> 'This is Heaven,' he answered.

>

> 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

> 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

>

> 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly

> gates? Nope. That's hell.'

>

> 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name

> like that?'

>

> 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the

> folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

>

> Soooo.

>

> Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to

> us without writing a word.

>

> Maybe this will explain.

>

> When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch,

> guess what you do? You forward jokes.

>

> When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep

> contact, you forward jokes.

>

> When you have something to say, but don't know what,

> and don't know how, you forward jokes.

>

> Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are

> still important, you are still loved, you are still cared

> for, guess what you get?

>

>

> A forwarded joke.

>

> So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that

> you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that

> you've been thought of today and your friend on the

> other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

>

>

> You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime
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LOYAL WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Moral of the story:





Women are cleverer than Men .....

Send this to a clever woman you know, or a man with a good sense of humour . . . . .
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Post by mrsK »

To Plant Your Garden

First, you Come to the garden alone,

while the dew is still on the roses....

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING,

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:





1. Peace of mind

2. Peace of heart

3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

1. Squash gossip

2. Squash indifference

3. Squash grumbling

4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

1. Lettuce be faithful

2. Lettuce be kind

3. Lettuce be patient

4. Lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:



1. Turnip for meetings

2. Turnip for service

3. Turnip to help one another



TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:



1. Thyme for each other

2.. Thyme for family

3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOUR GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. NOT BAD, HUH?!

My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you!
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Papa mole, mama mole and baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.



One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,

"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"



Mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,

"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"





Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine,

"Geez, all I can smell is....



MOLASSES!
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Post by Accountable »

:wah::wah:
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Post by mrsK »

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%! * light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP ORCARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?
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My son came home from school one day,

With a smirk upon his face.

He decided he was smart enough,

To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

that's taught by Mr Wright?

It's all about the laws today,

The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,

Don't have to cut my hair

No one can tell me what to think,

Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure don't have to pray

I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,

My body's only for my use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,

Like your Mama did to you.

That's nothing more than mind control,

And it's illegal too!

Mum, I have these children's rights,

So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services Division,

Better known as C.S.D'

Mum's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was

To toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach him a lesson

Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face,

he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping

At the local Goodwill Store..

I told him, 'Pick out all you want,

there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .

Who said they didn't care

If I bought you K-Mart shoes

Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment

To take your driver's test.

The C.SD. Is unconcerned

So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch.

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,

And wait till dinner time.

We're having liver and onions,

A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,

To watch on my VCR?'

'Sorry, but I sold your TV,

For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

You'll take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. Requires

Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get,

Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',

It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out,

Instead of C.S.D..?'

Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,

Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday

OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ...I love this One!!!
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Post by mrsK »

JUST A BIKER

I saw you; hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you didn't see me put an extra £10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.





I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local Mall.



I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my bike parked out front.. But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.



I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by. But you didn't see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.



I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.



I saw you stare at my long hair. But you didn't see me and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.





I saw you roll your eyes at our Leather jackets and gloves. But you didn't see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none.





I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my children where born or have their name written over and in my heart.



I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn't see me going home to be with my family.

I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But you didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn't see me pat my child's hands knowing she was safe behind me.



I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But you didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.

I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.



I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But you didn't see me trying to turn right.

I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you didn't see me leave the road.

I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see me. I wasn't there.

I saw you go home to your family. But you didn't see me. Because I died that day you cut me off.





I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But you didn't see me.





Repost this around in hopes that people will understand the biker community..

If you don't repost this, it sucks to be you. I hope you never lose someone that rides.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE US, RESPECT OUR RIGHTS TO RIDE WHAT WE CHOOSE AND TAKE A FEW EXTRA SECONDS TO BE SURE WE ARE NOT IN 'YOUR' WAY
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Post by mrsK »

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!





And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?



I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.



I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!



Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.



Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?



I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.
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Post by Accountable »

:wah::wah: I've a few I need to alert!
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Post by mrsK »

Gentle Lessons of Life





A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.



*************

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.



**********



The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.



**********

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.



**********

He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.



**********

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'



**********

If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.



**********

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.



**********

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.



**********

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.



**********

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'



*********



Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



*********

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



**********

Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



***********

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.



***********

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



***********



One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.



**********

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



**********

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.



***********

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf



Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
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> > The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

> > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have

> > two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one

> > I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

> > When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a

> > few sessions with my students. It helps them get over

> > shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids

> > bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they

> > catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any

> > boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in

> > to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

> > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very

> > outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of

> > the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

> > She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my

> > baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

> > 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love,

> > and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke

> > grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

> > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and

> > I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder

> > with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.



> > 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying

> > and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand

> > behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house

> > for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is

> > doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)



> > 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,

> > but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the

> > Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like

> > this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)



> > 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept

> > in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and

> > spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has

> > her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing

> > away. It was too much!)



> > 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push,

> > push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting,

> > but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out

> > comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they

> > all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so

> > there must be a lot of toys inside there.'



> > Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned

> > to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever

> > since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my

> > camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.



> > Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or

> > pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know

> > what I did!!!

> > Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends..



Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

This morning on the Freeway,

I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new



Range Rover



Doing 110 kms per hr



With her

Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !



And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,



Still working on that makeup.



As a man,

I don't scare easily.



But she scared me so much;

I dropped



My electric shaver,



Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all

The confusion of trying



To straighten out the car



Using my knees against

The steering wheel,



It knocked

My Mobile phone



Away from my ear



Which fell



Into the coffee

Between my legs,



Splashed,



And burned



uncle pete and the Twins,



Ruined the darn phone,



Soaked my trousers,



And disconnected an



Important call.



bloody women drivers!!
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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Odie
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Post by Odie »

mrsK;767360 wrote: Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell

her mother what she wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a

troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's

mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her

birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her

behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why

she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps

to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this

year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and

I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started

again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be

a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a

bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her

mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had

worked because Carol look ed very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.

She looked around t o see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of

the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,

down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door

and sat down and wrote her letter to God.



LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO


awesome!
Life is just to short for drama.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:



First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'



Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'



Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'



They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'



Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:



'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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Post by mrsK »

A holy man was having a conversation with God one day and said, ' God , I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.



In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.



The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished.



They were holding spoons with very long handles, that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.



But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.



The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.



God said, 'You have seen Hell.'



They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.

The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'



It is simple,' said God . 'It requires but one skill.



You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'



Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.



I'm in the 7%



Remember that I will always share my spoon with you.
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY EVERYONE!!! Enjoy a beer and skippy on the barbie.











In the beginning god created day and night. He created day for football matches, going to the beach

and BBQ's



He created night for going prawning,sleeping

and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt

and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals

and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the rugby tests, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the rugby, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with

. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...

Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
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mrsK
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Post by mrsK »

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009

Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,

pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.



Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2009- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!

Think about it!
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Post by mrsK »

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,

and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer

while he flips the meat .

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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Post by mrsK »

A stunning senior moment

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon.

Our space probes have visited Mars.

We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son.

We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.

Now, you arrogant little $hit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing...... ;);)
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Odie
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Post by Odie »

mrsK;1131344 wrote: BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,

and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer

while he flips the meat .

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


oh my, how sad and true.
Life is just to short for drama.
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Post by mrsK »

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little

Voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mummy to Mum to Mother...

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she

Shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
It's nice to be important,but more important to be nice.
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