Dysfunctional familes overcoming them

changinglanes · Post by **changinglanes** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:28 am

I came from a highly dysfunctional family but have broke away also known as an (IP). I was marked as the escape goat but because I continued to question abnormal behaviors of family members I broke thier cycle of targeting me.

Have other's dealt with this and how?

I can have a trememndous effect on one's self and feelings towards one's self esteem. I have read some excellent jouranls regarding this issue that put a lot in perceptive. Just curious as to how other's dealt with it for years before breaking away/

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:44 am

Changing Lanes.

My family started out great, and gradually became a dysfunctional family.

Like a cancer the dysfunction ate us alive. The roots of our dysfunction are anger, bitterness, dissapointment, and supressed rage. The disease first took root when hope was gone. After years of family gatherings where there was tons of laughter, and shared stories of times gone by.... we now have nothing. I havent spoken to my mother in about 18 months. I rarely speak to my dad. They dont speak to each other, and noone gets together anymore. I dont know how old you are, so it is difficult for me to advise you about feelings, or how to cope with cutting yourself off. My decision to do so, and my feelings come from the perspective of someone who is 55 years old, and has had a lifetime of juggling family issues. For me the decision to remove myself was based on very simple criteria. I had come to a time where I decided that I would not be in the company of anyone who made me feel bad... or hurt me.. or didnt support me. Because I have the good fortune to have people in my life who are not family members, who do love and support me... their presence became a mirror of just how awful my family relations were. My dad has never been a dad, and he enjoys making me feel inferior. My mom is an angry bitter woman capable of turning on you like a rabid little dog, whenever the urge strikes her. Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved to be away from them. I am envious of people who have supportive healthy families. However, I could not have a healthy life with them in my life. Now, if either one of them ever contacted me, and wanted to really hear what the issues were, Id be glad, and I would listen. That will never happen though. I am nothing to them, and they are not the kind of people who ever want to look at anything. I dont know if you should feel bad. I dont know how much effort you invested in trying to have things work. Life without the support of family is a scary ride. You have to be confident, fearless, and able to deal with lonely feelings that can result from cutting yourself off. Being able to handle rejection doesnt hurt either.

changinglanes · Post by **changinglanes** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 8:56 am

I am 43. Recently after my mother passed I became the prime target. Not uncommon because I moved away long ago. My mom kept everyone else in their places. Now with her gone it is a free for all.

I won't be their victim and have opted out of their sick demented ploys. Now I get to sit back and wait as they turn on each other and it will happen.

They are highly dysfunctional and live to feed on making other's lives as miserable as possible. One even hacked into my yahoo account and I pressed charges. I will not tolerate any of their games.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:11 am

People need family but not necessarily the one they were born into.

You need to feel that you have people in your life that will help you when you need help (sickness, etc) and that will be by your side when you've been done wrong, and that love you unconditionally. If it's not your natural family that does that then there are all kinds of problems that result until you find a replacement. I found a way to make myself practically invulnerable but, for all my strength, I was not whole until I found family.

changinglanes · Post by **changinglanes** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 9:16 am

I appreciate and feel you are right in your words of wisdom.

I do have some really good people in my life that does care about me and would do anything for me and I them. It something that came about naturally too.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:01 am

I have disconnected myself from most of my family.

Our family started to fall apart when my Father died 1982. My Mom tried to keep Family gatherings - tried to get all 6 of us kids together - usually didn't work.

Always a argument - friction. I live out of state since 1989 and didn't attend to many gatherings & when I did attend, I had rules who would be around me at the time of my visit. I just wasn't going to subject myself to the sibling BS.

1995 - a complete fall out - my Mother died and all hell broke. I just sat back and watched - who fought over what - who would steal what item - I already knew most of the kids wouldn't receive what the will provided. I was right..

Out of 6 kids - only 3 of us speak to eachother - the other 3 keep your distance, do not call me - take me out of you rolodex..

I'm 50 yrs old - having chosen the few to have as Family was the best choice I've ever made. No friction - no sibling BS - there's just some people I will never get along with - or want to.

Several Families having kids in the '50's were dysfunctional - I have discussed this dysfunction with several friends born in the '50's.

Good Luck

Patsy

changinglanes · Post by **changinglanes** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:08 am

I think doing what we need for our own being is the best any of us can do for ourselves and our children.

Bad enough we have to protect ourselves from people out in the world muchless our families.

Besides who wants to roll around with a bunch of pigs and get as dirty as them.

We are bigger people and walking away from conflict proves that.

moonpie · Post by **moonpie** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:09 am

After my mother died 6 years ago, all hell broke loose too, and I don't have any connection whatsoever with my two older brothers. It is just so weird that there are so many families out there with issues, I was starting to wonder if I was the only one.

changinglanes · Post by **changinglanes** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:21 am

You are far from alone Dear. I endured the exact same thing. I had a heart to heart with my step dad 2 days ago and got everything out in the open and it helped a lot. I will maintain contact with him but the rest of the family no longer exist to me. It's only been 2 months and I encouraged him to develop outside friendships and support and he agreed it is the best thing for us both.

He sent a beautiful necklace yesterday. It has my mother's finger print engraved on a charm with her birthstone and engraved on the back is her birthdate the word MOM and death date. I know it was expensive and very very thoughtful.

For some reason my aunts some 1/2 related feel they have entitlement over me my mother's only daughter. I have nothing to gain, haven't asked for 1 damn thing and they were given a few momentos but complained they were not good enough. I feel sorry for my step parent as the swarm around him like vultures.

It is ugly and I am ashamed I am blood related to such parasites.