Help, I'm trapped!!

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:00 am

Hello everyone! I'm kinda new at this. I have a lil situation on my hands. I have fallen completely in love with another man. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man...he has the looks, the personality, sense of humor and gaw, he has the most amazing smile I have ever seen. The thing is that I'm still with my boyfriend. We've been together for 4 long years and the last 2 years haven't been the best. He has a hard time showing me the attention and affection I need. Whereas this other gentleman shows me the attention and affection that I crave. Now I'm not the type of girl to want to be around my guy 24/7. I just like to spend the lil free time that we do have alone. My current boyfriend can't seem to understand that. He spends his time at the gym, with friends and etc. Everyone but me. This past New Years, he spent out with friends and AWAY from me...didn't come home until 7a! It's stuff like that that bothers me. After going thru things like that for the past 2 years kinda turns me off from him and I find myself leaning towards other men. I have done so with this other fella. We've been seeing eachother for awhile and it's just perfect. He's an all around great guy!

. Well, this situation wouldn't be so bad if he knew that I was still with my boyfriend. He doesn't know. He knows that we've broken up in the past and recently, but I never told him that I've gotten back with him. In my heart, I know it's wrong to do this. I do plan to do something about it soon. My heart is leaning towards the new guy. But at the same time my heart is going toward my current beau. i guess I'm afraid to let go of somehting I've had for so long. I really am. I don't know of another life without him. HELP, I'M TORN! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please don't send me negative comments...I'd hate to get ugly with you (lol).

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:10 am

notrhing good can come out of dishonesty. the only way to salvage something from this is to be truthful with all concerned, or no-one will ever trust you. not a negative comment at all, just maybe not what you'd like to hear.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:11 am

I would have known this was your first post here, even if it didn't say so under your avatar. People here don't get ugly, (usually) but you put the situation out there, and are looking for advice or opinions. Do you only want to hear what YOU want to hear, or do you want to hear what people really think? Because you'll get what we really think.

I've always thought that honesty is the best policy. And that includes being honest with yourself. If you can't do that, then there is no hope for EITHER relationship. The new guy is going on about his business totally unaware that you are seeing two men. Is that fair to him? No. Your current man is not satisfying you, but have you told him? If you are in a situation where you are not happy, get out. Regret is not a pleasant thing to live with.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:15 am

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to be truthful. I need to come out and say something. But it's just so hard...it's killing me because I'd hate to hurt one of them and eventually I know it's going to come to that. (sigh)

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 11:27 am

BabyRider wrote: I would have known this was your first post here, even if it didn't say so under your avatar. People here don't get ugly, (usually) but you put the situation out there, and are looking for advice or opinions. Do you only want to hear what YOU want to hear, or do you want to hear what people really think? Because you'll get what we really think.

I've always thought that honesty is the best policy. And that includes being honest with yourself. If you can't do that, then there is no hope for EITHER relationship. The new guy is going on about his business totally unaware that you are seeing two men. Is that fair to him? No. Your current man is not satisfying you, but have you told him? If you are in a situation where you are not happy, get out. Regret is not a pleasant thing to live with.

Honesty is a good thing. I've always been honest. I've told my current man that i'm not happy. i've sat down with him ( 2 weeks ago) and cried and told him that I can't go on living like this. I told him how he spent New Years away from me hurt me, I told him how it hurts me when he spends his off week away from me. It's not just that, it's other things that have gone on and built up for the past 2 years. Like I said earlier, I'm not the kind of girl who wants to be around him 24/7. Just some time. He work 7 days straight and then he's off 7 days. I probably see him 2 out of those 7 days, and that's when I'm leaving to go to work. I've told him that if he doesn't do something about it that I will find a man who will. That's what I've done. I just need to come clean and let it out. I know i'm not going to be happy until something is done. I do appreciate your honesty and your advice...thanx!

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 12:49 pm

From past experience, if you don't think the relationship has been good for the past 2 years then in all likely hood it hasn't been.

You sound a little like me, and if you are, you've already made up your mind, it's just a question of making the move.

My advice is don't let it drag on, do it and get it over and done with. The longer you leave it the more everyone gets hurt... With my last long term relationship it was over long before I made it official, and that just made things worse, because the longer I left it the more I didn't like him, it becomes easy to blame them for everything then, and it hurts a whole lot more on all sides.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 12:59 pm

letha wrote: From past experience, if you don't think the relationship has been good for the past 2 years then in all likely hood it hasn't been.

You sound a little like me, and if you are, you've already made up your mind, it's just a question of making the move.

My advice is don't let it drag on, do it and get it over and done with. The longer you leave it the more everyone gets hurt... With my last long term relationship it was over long before I made it official, and that just made things worse, because the longer I left it the more I didn't like him, it becomes easy to blame them for everything then, and it hurts a whole lot more on all sides.

I'm just waiting for the right moment to make the move and say "Ok, it's over!!" In my mind, it's been over for awhile, even though I've taken him back(several times), he still does the same things that causes things like this to happen. It's just so hard because we have 4 years history. I haven't been with anyone else but him until now, and it's scary. I don't know where this is going to lead. I Don't know if this is some sick phase or what. I never thought I'd end up in this position.

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:16 pm

I was the same, worried what would happen, thinking "I'm not getting any younger" etc. Thing is if things are not working and you've been ignoring them for a while then they do build up, to a point where there is no easy way to fix them if at all.

Have to say though almost two years on, I'm fairly happy with where I am... Small problem in my case though, seeing as you are new, I should say I still live with my ex, but I have moved on.

Initally I was single and having fun for a while, then still with the same mind set I met someone and almost a year later we're still together.

One thing though, don't continue to live with ex boyfrieds, it's a royal pain, new ones have issues with the concept, unsurprisingly.

Now I think I need to sort out a few small problems I have, having said this to you, before I end up at square one again.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 1:22 pm

tmbsgrl wrote: I was in a similar situation before i got engaged. I was with this guy for 6 years he was my first love, my first everything, 5 years down the raod he tells me that he feels no more connection ( i was pregnant) between us. I was so mad and we tried to make it work for the baby ( i ended up having a miscarriage) We stayed together for a while things were not the same but he was comfort and all i have known at that time. I was living with a friend of mine & he moved in. Well about 3 months later i met my current fiancee. I knew him as a child but we remet. I saw everything i ever wanted in him that my then BF couldn't give me anymore. I was so trapped and stuck between them both. I didn't want to lose the comfort and i was SO scared to start over. I saw both for awhile, just to try to make up my mind. It was hard let me tell you. I hate to lie and i had no choice. My current fiancee told me that he was going to move in 2 weeks, then he asked if i wanted to go. I did not know what to say, i was speechless. I sat in my room ( at my mom's house) and thought for the whole 2 weeks. ( of course i was still seeing them both) Well at the last minute my heart broke Bc My current fiancee was boarding the plane in an hour. I called him on his cell phone and told him that i would be there as soon as i can get there. On the way i called my EX_BF and told him it was over, i couldn't see him anymore BC i was so tired of him hurting me. Then i told him i found someone else and i am leaving & moving to Arizona. He begged me to stay but i made up my mind on who i wanted to be with. There was no way i was going to turn back. My heart belonged to Tim. And now it always will. I still talk to my ex now and then. but i would NEVER go back there to be with him. I do not regret what i did. Not for one second in my life. Do what your heart tells you too. If you had to decide who to get on a plane with who would you choose? If your like me and scared of starting over and losing that comfort.. Trust me it will be ok if you choose the other guy. if you are not happy then don't stay with your curretn Bf. Life is too short.. Make yourself happy before anyone else. If you are not happy then no-one will be.

Wow...that was deep. I'm afraid of losing the comfort i have with my BF. He's known me for 4 years. He knows eveything about me. He's seen me at my worst, my best and everything in between. I think that maybe we got too comfortable with eachother and things just start to slide downhill. He stopped trying to be romantic, anniversaries are just another day, he forgot my birthday this past year (and had the balls to get mad at me for something stupid), we don't go out anymore, he just stopped trying. I too stopped trying, I say "if he doesn't care, why should I?' And here I am today. I love him but I want to be happy, I want him to be happy... My heart just breaks when i see them because i know that one of them is going to get hurt...and it's going to hurt me to do that. :-1

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 2:46 pm

THANKS TMBSGRL!

I'm glad that things are working out for you! I just hope that things work out the same for me. I try not to think about my situation as much. I just kinda hope things will work out themselves, but it's not. I have to be a woman and do what i have to do. I got myself into this situation and i have to get out. I do appreciate all the comments and advice you guys have given me. It has given me more insight and hope. We'll see...i just need to get the guts to move on... :-6

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 10:30 pm

I was with a man that was, on the surface, Mr. Perfect. Yet, suddenly, I met this other guy who swept me away. I could never have two "boyfriends" at the same time so I had to break off with Mr. Perfect because I couldn't stop thinking about the other guy and it was an obvious clue that things might not be so perfect.

The other guy didn't work out. In fact he was a bit of a nightmare. But I realized that his "function" in my life was to get me away from Mr. Not So Perfect. I was ready to move in with him and everything and, although I can't say why, I was rescued by my mental infidelity. You can't bounce from one relationship to the next and expect it to work but you can definately take this as a sign that the one you are in is not going to work for you.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 6:58 am

I'm not really focused on the new guy's looks. My current beau looks better...looks like he could be on the cover of GQ or something. My thing is that he knows that I'm not happy and has done nothing to change the situation. I've given him chances and chances and chances and really, i'm just tired and want something new...regardless of looks.

ilona17 · Post by **ilona17** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 7:06 am

I know it might be hard to give up on some one you love and you have being in a relationship with for four years. But it's better to be onist to you're self isn't it. IF you're not happy is their really any point in carrying on??? Surely if he loves you and knows you're unhappy he would let you go so you can be happy. Or maybe you should try and talk to him and tell him that you feel he has being negelecting you and see if he changes. Then if he still doens't change theirs no other way than the leave. I hope this helps. Good luck. you have 2 be strong. If he wont change then he is obviously to selfish to be in a relatonship.

You cant keep on not being happy. Put you're self first for once in you're life. You're happiness is important.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 7:12 am

I've told him several times that I'm not happy. He says "well tell me what to do to make u happy." I say "if i have to tell you, then there's no point" I shouldn't have to tellmy man how to treat me, ya know? He should know. Well, I told him what i'd like and he continues to treat me the same. so evidently he doesn't care and i do need to move on...

ilona17 · Post by **ilona17** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:11 am

You're right you shouldnt have to say what you want he should know what you need. Just move on and leave him in the past. He wont know what he had untill its gone make hin realise girl

:-4 :-5

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:05 am

I'm really not playing any games with him. I now know that he has an idea that i am seeing someone else. He just doesn't want to ask or face it. I shouldn't have to tell him "ok, i want this, this and that and i want it done like this" He knows what i want. I have (plenty) told him how i want this relationship to be, I have laid it out for him and told him how i expect to be treated. and he still treats me the way he wants to. His only comeback is "Sorry, i guess I'm just a bad boyfriend". I know he's not a mindreader and i don't expect him to know everything, but we've been together for 4 years, and he knows everything there is to know about me. So, i see it as him not caring. If he really cared, he would have done something about it long time ago.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:08 am

ilona17 wrote: You're right you shouldnt have to say what you want he should know what you need. Just move on and leave him in the past. He wont know what he had untill its gone make hin realise girl

:-4 :-5

Thank you! That's right! Slowly but surely, I am moving on!!!

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:39 am

Please listen keep them both, i'm telling you. have fun with them. When the time is right you will know which one to get rid of....i say keepem both for now...

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:56 am

shibee wrote: Honesty is a good thing. I've always been honest.

Obviously not as honest as you think... you're knocking on with another bloke behind your boyfriends back!!!

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot i wonder?? seems to me, you want the best of both worlds, you can't love your b/f or you would'nt have cheated on him in the 1st place & the other guy should realise something, if you can cheat on your b/f then the same can happen if you have an exclusive relationship with him.

You can't have your cake & eat it, your b/f will find out & if you decide to stick it out with him he will never trust you again.

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 9:13 am

Argh! I will apologize in advance for my "stern" response...I have lost patience with relationship dilemmas over the past few years.

You are not trapped. You are dabbling in high drama. Do what you want, but please be clear on exactly what you are doing.

It is not an either or choice - either BF#1 or BF#2. The option exists for you to be alone. In fact, it might be best for you in the long run if you take some time alone...since security and length of time run strongly in your defense of staying with BF #1. You can find those things within yourself, and then (later on) your love for another person will be much stronger, much more beautiful.

BF #1 is not a bad boyfriend even though he said that. He simply is who he is. He's not likely to change, and you can't make him change. You've stated your wants/needs. Good!

But he isn't responding to them. The equation is very obvious. You need; he can't give you what you need...find someone who can and will. Be kind, be honest, but be clean about it as well...and give him the opportunity to find what he wants and needs. It's highly doubtful that only one of you is dissatisfied. It's more likely that you recognized it first.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I've noticed that a lot of women tend to wring their hands and wail about things instead of seeing their own personal power, and taking charge of their lives. I know when I see it because I've been guilty of exactly the same thing in the past.

You can be the Movie of the Week or you can be the Book of the Year. Know what I mean? Best of luck to you.

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:10 am

The shoe has been on the other foot. We have been thru this time and again. Like I said in a recent post, he has an idea that i am seeing someone else. He just doesn't want to face it. I'm very open with my feelings and I have no problem with telling him how i feel and what i want. He chose not to do anything about our problems and i told him, "if you don't want to be with me, i will find another man that will." Plain and simple. I do love him. You or anyone else can't tell me that I don't. Because i do. To be honest with you and myself, I'm afraid to let go. I want to move on but at the same time, i don't...make sense?

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:25 am

I'm afraid to hurt him. I will admit that. It's driving me crazy. Like I said before, i'm afraid of losing the comfort. I'm afraid of not having him in my life, I'm afraid to start over, I'm afraid that I maybe making a HUGE mistake...i'm just scared and eventually (soon), I will gather my guts and move on with my life. I have to get myself out of this situation...can't go on like this forever...

shibee · Post by **shibee** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:56 am

TMBSGRL,

I'm 24 years old. Have been thru and seen some things in my life. I've probably had 2 serious boyfriends and he being the 3rd. It's just hard to let go. I mean, 4 years is a long time and I just find it hard to walk away from that. If I could just walk away and leave it all behind, I would have done so long ago. But it's just a mental thing, I keep worrying if I'm making a mistake, i keep wondering how a "new life" would be, wondering if I'm going to have any regrets...things like that. I know i need to move on and by reading what others have said, I really need to focus on making myself happy.

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 2:42 pm

One thing i have learned in life is that you dont get anything for free, if you love him fight for what you want. you cant expect to tell a man one time and expect it to change. You 2 have only been together 4 years and you're still getting used to eachother, trust me, ive been married 6 years and am still fighting to make it work, and will be until i die i guess. leaning towards another man to give you what you meed/want is not a good idea, been there done that, and it caused alot of grief for me and my family. What are you going to do if when you tell this other guy that you lied he dumps you then what? Are you going to go back to bf#1.. you should have never started another relationship without telling the other one it was over b/c weather you realize it or not you probably have hurt both of them already. Bf#1 dosent want to know you're cheating thats why he acts like he dosent know. Bf#2 dosent know but you have to tell him sometime and then hell feel like he cant trust you. Tell them both and loose bf#2 stick with #1 and make it work, if you were happy the first 2 years you can bee happy again, you just have to work for it..........

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 7:41 pm

shibee wrote: I know i need to move on and by reading what others have said, I really need to focus on making myself happy.
Yes! Yes!! You do need to focus on yourself.

You deserve it.

I think that's the hardest thing to learn about love. I know you don't want to hurt anyone - but aren't you hurting yourself?