How Do You Argue ?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:48 am

Im not a good arguer, I have to get away in the heat of the moment. I always come back later to get things resolved but I freeze up in the moment. I simply cant be there.

My mom was a drunk and she was a real warrior. Very dramatic as well. Growing up when I did something wrong (which was often) I was made to sit in a hard chair while mom ranted. She would cry, she would scream, she would be silent for an hour then start crying again followed by more screaming and blaming me for her life. This would go on for hours sometimes. Sitting in that chair while she drank and carried on for up to 4,5 or 6 hours was not uncommon.

So I understand why I react the way I do now when the occasional argument breaks out here. Fight or flight is deep in me to preserve my sanity. This infuriates my wife though. She knows Ill come back and talk, but it wont be immediately. Im not sure what Im asking for here.

zinkyusa · Post by **zinkyusa** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:04 am

Nothing wrong with taking your time and thinking things through before you respond Nomad. I'd say that's pretty darn smart actually. I definetly relate, my dad was the drunk in our family and both parents were very dramtic..I tend to argue in one of two ways. Either I pop out the first thing in my head (which is usually a personal attack), or I do the same as you if I catch myself in time and come back later. I also have always used humor as a defense mechanism...

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:06 am

Thats another reason I wait. I get very defensive and lash out with the 1st thing that comes to mind. Its usually something I regret.

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:08 am

I turn inward. Shut down. I find it hard, like Nomad, to argue back. Would rather just go away and come back later.

I mean, I have my change of life bitchy moments..where you just do not mess with me. But I cannot hold my own in a fight.

My husband is the personal attack and name caller fighter. And I am no match for that. sadly, that makes him angrier, when I am unable or unwilling to respond when he is angry. :-5

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:19 am

I know men don't like to be confronted. My husband & I don't argue, if there's friction it's usually from me bringing a issue up - but it's never explosive.

Our last argument was over O.J. Simpson, and I had to write my opinion/feelings in a letter.

I also grew up with a strict,mean,abusive mother who had her favorites out of 6 kids, I wasn't her favorite.

Nomad, don't leave the room that makes women crazy. Listen, bite your tongue, reply - can I have time to think about this? Perhaps appologize, or write a letter explaining your feelings, and ask her to respect those feelings.

Does you wife know how you feel right now? Does she know your posting this?

Your usually arguing over simple petty issues, Life is too short for that..

Patsy

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:21 am

Great thread, Nomad

I am a confronter. My husband refers to me as an arguer. I think he is a conflict-avoider at any cost.

I tell him that I *don't* like to argue but that I'd rather deal with this issue before it gets buried and becomes bigger. He will freeze up.

His parents never argued in front of him. Never. So he did not get to see how adults resolve their issues.

My parents fought in front of us. My mother was a big yeller. So much so that one of our neighbors used to tease my mom with comments like, "Hey Claire, you had your windows open last night and I heard you railing at Sidney! Boy were you going at it!" My mother would yell at the neighbor or just flip him the bird. It was pretty funny and we all laughed about it.

But growing up with a yeller is hard. It's back to my form vs. content theory. When I got older, I used to say to my mother, "Mom, if you want Dad to *hear* what you're saying, then change your form. Once you start yelling, we ALL tune you out." But it's hard to get a leopard to change her spots, right?

So anyway, I try to make my husband resolve things as fast as I can. He is always telling me that he is *not ready* to resolve things and needs more time. He says that I am just in a rush to get the problem over with.

I am, I guess. I want everyone to be happy.

Interesting when I think about it :-6

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:25 am

I tend to explode and say things that I will regret later (and for which I do apologise) but once the initial explosion has taken place then it's all over and done with, I don't bear grudges or hold onto hurts.

My Mum and Dad were completely different when it came to arguments, my Mum is the same as me and gets it all out and forgotten about within minutes. My Dad used to "sulk", I guess that's the only way to describe it, he would just refuse to talk to anyone and this could carry on for months, I can remember one time that he just refused to talk to me and Mum for over 6 months! That kind of behaviour is pretty depressing to live with, I would much rather have a quick and heated exchange of view and get it all over and done with.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:31 am

flopstock wrote: I don't have serious fights. I just shut'er down... of course I also don't have many long term friends or close family members.

Somewhere along the line I have the thought that if I really was important to them, they would not be fighting with me... then that leads to the thought that if they were that important to me I wouldn't be fighting with them..which leads to- they aren't that important to me..followed shortly thereafter by... oh yeah I remember them..:-2

Healthy? NO

Works for me? Yeah, unfortunately..

Insight into the female mind

That is way scary man !

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:36 am

Nomad most of us react the way you do most of the time. I know I do, I have to walk away because I take it all personally and get defensive.

If I walk away or say lets talk about this later and set a time then the other party doesn't feel abandon and knows they will be gotten back to. Seems to work at home and at work.

Plus stepping away gives both parties time to take a breath and know what the heck they are fighting about. Many times is becomes laughable and everyone kisses and makes up.

You do need to give your wife and everyone the knowledge that you will talk about the issue and give a time frame seems to take the edge off of being mad at you.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:37 am

flopstock wrote: Somewhere along the line I have the thought that if I really was important to them, they would not be fighting with me

Floopy

If it's fighting about a stupid little thing, then I agree with you. People need to 'pick abnd choose' the battles that *are* worth fighting.

But arguing with someone you care about, in my opinion, doesn't mean the person isnt' important to you. On the contrary -- I argue with my husband *because* he IS important to me.

And, the older I get, the *less* I care about winning. I really mean it.

My objective is to either: 1) Get us both on the same side, or 2) Just agree to disagree.

For example, my well-educated, bright and well-read husband does *not* support gay marriage :-5 . I cannot possibly fathom how he feels this way. He has informed me several times that I *cannot* get him to change his mind.

So that would be a #2. Even though it really bothers me.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:39 am

Patsy Warnick wrote: I know men don't like to be confronted. My husband & I don't argue, if there's friction it's usually from me bringing a issue up - but it's never explosive.

Our last argument was over O.J. Simpson, and I had to write my opinion/feelings in a letter.

I also grew up with a strict,mean,abusive mother who had her favorites out of 6 kids, I wasn't her favorite.

Nomad, don't leave the room that makes women crazy. Listen, bite your tongue, reply - can I have time to think about this? Perhaps appologize, or write a letter explaining your feelings, and ask her to respect those feelings.

Does you wife know how you feel right now? Does she know your posting this?

Your usually arguing over simple petty issues, Life is too short for that..

Patsy

I apologize. A lot. I honestly dont recall her apologizing. Ever. She turned it into Im a woman hater because I walk away. If I had issues with mom growing up then how could I not be a woman hater now ? That blows my mind on two counts.

1. After all this time she doesnt know me ? I dont hate women or anyone. Theres no hate in my heart. Of all people you would think my wife should know this. Ive let the past go. I still react the way I do because of it but there are no issues that prey on me today because of it. Mom was sick. I can live with that and leave it be.

2. How does wanting to avoid a fight translate into hating women ? This really makes me question her respect for me and makes me question what her true feelings are. What I thought was....doesnt appear to be.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:42 am

Apologizing.

I'm a big apologizer. I'm of the frame of mind that it is a strength to be able to apologize.

My hubby, on the other hand, considers it a weakness.

WTF????

And never the twain shall meet.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:42 am

It is real simple Nomad by not wanting to talk and walking away you abandon her. That sends a signal of what she is say is not worth your time. :-5 You can walk away but let her know you will be back in what every amount of time to talk it out.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:48 am

There is no screaming at eachother here, no name calling, no mud slinging, that solves nothing, those issues were solved/discussed ealry on in our relationship.

My husband is the only child, spoiled, selfish, just a BRAT CHILD - MAN ..

He had no idea people grew up the way I did - with abuse from all catagories.

Occasionally he's pissed, barks at me I'll look right at him and camly say, don't yell at me I can hear you, simmers him down and we talk, if we don't talk, he'll walk away calm down, re-enter and we talk it out.

As he is pissed I'm thinking, you damn BRAT. My husband needs to work on patiences, it's his only fault..

Nomad - you still want him ? I'll start a auction Husband For Sale no Remote..!

Patsy

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:50 am

CARLA wrote: It is real simple Nomad by not wanting to talk and walking away you abandon her. That sends a signal of what she is say is not worth your time. :-5 You can walk away but let her know you will be back in what every amount of time to talk it out.

:yh_idea Aaaaahhhh ! This I can understand.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:52 am

Patsy Warnick wrote: There is no screaming at eachother here, no name calling, no mud slinging, that solves nothing, those issues were solved/discussed ealry on in our relationship.

My husband is the only child, spoiled, selfish, just a BRAT CHILD - MAN ..

He had no idea people grew up the way I did - with abuse from all catagories.

Occasionally he's pissed, barks at me I'll look right at him and camly say, don't yell at me I can hear you, simmers him down and we talk, if we don't talk, he'll walk away calm down, re-enter and we talk it out.

As he is pissed I'm thinking, you damn BRAT. My husband needs to work on patiences, it's his only fault..

Nomad - you still want him ? I'll start a auction Husband For Sale no Remote..!

Patsy

No one is taking the remote from me ! :yh_youkid

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:05 am

Nomad

If you leave the room, does your wife follow you to continue arguing?

Is she quiet and avoiding you? If you two can't talk - write - Have you ever written a letter to your wife? Your writing here. Someone needs to be the adult.

Patsy

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:09 am

Patsy Warnick wrote: Nomad

If you leave the room, does your wife follow you to continue arguing?

Is she quiet and avoiding you? If you two can't talk - write - Have you ever written a letter to your wife? Your writing here. Someone needs to be the adult.

Patsy

*edit*

I dont wanna be an adult ! :-5 I wanna be 12. :wah:

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:14 am

Nomad wrote: *edit*

I dont wanna be an adult ! :-5 I wanna be 12. :wah:

Not gonna happen, Nomad. And would your wife really want a 12 year old husband? Or do we really not want to go there?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:16 am

I do not like arguments, and never have. I usually shutdown, and cannot express my feelings about the subject that started it.

I used to argue more in the old days, but it led to disastrous results with my first husband. I have learned not to argue much-I may grumble and roar once in awhile, but then it is usually over something big-like the cat knocked down the bamboo plant off the window sill into the sink-all the pebbles fell down the drain, how was I going to get them out? I roared, cat fled, and I had to clean up the mess myself. *sigh*

I cannot argue with my husband, he does not understand. I just tell him what to do, when he balks I think of other tactics.

Taking the remote does work sometimes, Nomad.......................

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:21 am

chonsigirl wrote: I do not like arguments, and never have. I usually shutdown, and cannot express my feelings about the subject that started it.

I used to argue more in the old days, but it led to disastrous results with my first husband. I have learned not to argue much-I may grumble and roar once in awhile, but then it is usually over something big-like the cat knocked down the bamboo plant off the window sill into the sink-all the pebbles fell down the drain, how was I going to get them out? I roared, cat fled, and I had to clean up the mess myself. *sigh*

I cannot argue with my husband, he does not understand. I just tell him what to do, when he balks I think of other tactics.

Taking the remote does work sometimes, Nomad.......................

You dont want to do that.........I know where I can get my hands on plutonium

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:25 am

Nomad

I think you'd be surprized at your wife's response to a Letter and

the Adult..

Patsy

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:28 am

:wah: I can see you stomping your foot when Mrs. Nomad takes the remote...........

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:29 am

Patsy Warnick wrote: Nomad

I think you'd be surprized at your wife's response to a Letter and

the Adult..

Patsy

Such high expectations ! Maybe after football.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:39 am

Maybe after Football you can retire to your Man Garage to write the letter..

[QUOTE]Such high expectations ! Maybe after football.[/QUOTE]

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:30 am

I'm the type that if I am mad, I must deal with it immediately. If I walk away and try to calm down and think about it, I just get more furious. My husband on the other hand, will not argue. He will either go totally silent, or walk away. It drives me insane, and nothing ever gets resolved.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:02 am

Peg wrote: I'm the type that if I am mad, I must deal with it immediately. If I walk away and try to calm down and think about it, I just get more furious. My husband on the other hand, will not argue. He will either go totally silent, or walk away. It drives me insane, and nothing ever gets resolved.

Welcome to my life, Peg!

But I make sure things get resolved, and I try to do it in a nice way. For example, I'll tell him, "Hubby, I don't agree with you at all on this one, but I am madly in love with you." Then I lean in and give him a kiss.

He looks at me and says, "HOW can you give me a kiss when we're fighting?"

And I'll say, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean I don't love you." Then I'll usually pinch his ass.

How can you really stay angry after that exchange? :p

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 11:13 am

After Football !! Well you do have your priorities. Nomad, read what you posted.

Your wife doesn't know you, perhaps her feelings aren't true wah wah wah !! OK

When arguing whether the male or female exits the room - do not follow them.!!

Following them usually provokes the argument to escalate.

The one exiting the room knows what they can tolerate and needs to simmer down or sulk. Whatever works

Before marrying the individual arguing has already been tested, usually that's how they will argue. I tested my husband for 15 years before marrying him..

I had him fill out a questionaire/application !! Just kidding

Patsy

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 3:05 pm

when you grow up with an alcoholic parent you automatically learn to shut down when they get mad or try everything to get them unmad. the hard part is learning to figure out you are an adult. you dont have to apease the anger anymore. you dont have to react to it. i have learned to give a blank expression when someone get angry. i listen . take it in, and say i will get back with you on this. must think about it.......

(Not so) clueless · Post by **(Not so) clueless** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 6:39 pm

In my marriage I would NOT argue. I would shut down emotionally so that i could apologize for whatever was wrong (my fault or not) and smooth things over so that everything was good again. I would rather have everyone else happy, and myself sad/upset, so that it seemed like things were "ok" to all, and that kept them happy. make sense? nope, doesn't to me now either. but then it did. Even while I was apologizing and making nice, I was simmering inside, hating myself and the person that I was making feel better, because each time I did it I would lose a bit more of me, until it felt like I no longer had an opinion. I would like to try to do things all over again, or maybe i mean to try to do things differently next time, but I am not sure I know how!

rainbowsmiles · Post by **rainbowsmiles** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 6:40 pm

Im not a good arguer, I have to get away in the heat of the moment. I always come back later to get things resolved but I freeze up in the moment. I simply cant be there.

My mom was a drunk and she was a real warrior. Very dramatic as well. Growing up when I did something wrong (which was often) I was made to sit in a hard chair while mom ranted. She would cry, she would scream, she would be silent for an hour then start crying again followed by more screaming and blaming me for her life. This would go on for hours sometimes. Sitting in that chair while she drank and carried on for up to 4,5 or 6 hours was not uncommon.

So I understand why I react the way I do now when the occasional argument breaks out here. Fight or flight is deep in me to preserve my sanity. This infuriates my wife though. She knows Ill come back and talk, but it wont be immediately. Im not sure what Im asking for here.

My bf is the same way (leaves until he's ready to talk) - which is a good thing because he's much easier to talk to after he's thought things through. I admire how people don't fly off the handle and take time to think things through (for whatever reason they are doing it). I hate the part of myself that gets all heated and instantly responds without giving it much thought. I'm a work in progress when it comes to calming down and trying to respond without going on a wild ranting escapade.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:04 pm

We're all a work in progress - I wondering what are the issues everyone's arguing about.?

We will from time to time do something to **** off the other person, hopefully not on purpose. I'm sure due to my childhood days I've learned to watch body language.

My parents were tough, I always watched. I can watch my husband and instantly know if something is bothering him, whether he walks heavy, sighs, avoids,etc..

All indicators are there before the verbal arguing begins, I've always talked about body language , pointed out a look, attitude, and now he watchs for it. He knows instantly when I don't feel good - I'm quiet, I'm never quiet, Imagine that !!

If I have the problem with him, I'll say " now turn this situation around would you appreciate me doing that ?" Gives him something to think about, not argue about.

So what is the argument about?? Please tell

Patsy

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Sun Oct 08, 2006 7:19 pm

that's wierd about the body language patsy. my dad had such a short temper and you could tell so easy from his body language ,that he was fixing to blow. i got so immune to it , that now people ask me all the time how i can be so oblivious to stuff around me. i suppose it is a defense to not being so intense when i was a child. you could do flips around me now and i will not acknowlege it, much less see it.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 3:47 am

Nomad wrote: Im not a good arguer, I have to get away in the heat of the moment. I always come back later to get things resolved but I freeze up in the moment. I simply cant be there.

My mom was a drunk and she was a real warrior. Very dramatic as well. Growing up when I did something wrong (which was often) I was made to sit in a hard chair while mom ranted. She would cry, she would scream, she would be silent for an hour then start crying again followed by more screaming and blaming me for her life. This would go on for hours sometimes. Sitting in that chair while she drank and carried on for up to 4,5 or 6 hours was not uncommon.

So I understand why I react the way I do now when the occasional argument breaks out here. Fight or flight is deep in me to preserve my sanity. This infuriates my wife though. She knows Ill come back and talk, but it wont be immediately. Im not sure what Im asking for here.
I started out writing my style of getting angry and arguing, but that's hardly useful - cathartic for me, but not useful.

We always fight fair. Always. I found this article online about fighting fair (LINK). Here are some of its pointers.

Don't let things fester inside.

Sit face to face and keep eye contact at the same level.

Use the formula sentence, When you _____, I feel ____ . This simple statement allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person.

Allow the other person's feelings to come out.

Show the other person that you really heard what he or she said.

Take turns talking. No monologues allowed.

Stick to the topic.

Stop using techniques that turn up the heat and move you both away from problem solving.

Take out blame statements and name calling.

Watch your use of cursing.

Do not make empty threats. Do not threaten to leave the relationship or order the other person to get out unless you really mean it.

Stop using statements of sarcasm.

Watch for ways you withdraw from the argument.

Schedule breathing breaks, or set a timer for every two or three minutes for a breathing break.

Watch your need to be right and win.

Offer compromises.Each of these rules have accompanying clarification and explanations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've found that I blow up about inconsequential things because something else already has me on edge. I've learned to check myself instead of indulging in that impulse. "Why is this pissing me off? Is it important?" That instant it takes to ask the question allows me to be more rational. It's not as much fun as blowing, to be sure; but it reduces the number of stupid fights, and sometimes gives me a chance to vent about what's really bugging me.

Supersilly@rse · Post by **Supersilly@rse** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 3:58 am

I don't argue, and haven't done since I was at school

I analyse, debate and pull things apart so they can be worked on.

I recently upset a very good friend of mine (I was being an insensitive @rse) and when she confronted me about it - I sat her down and questioned her, finding out what I had done, what I had said, why it upset her and how she felt about the whole thing.

Once we had it all 'on the table' we addressed it bit by bit and she realised that she had been over sensitive as well as me being insensitive. the whole thing was done and dusted in an hour!

If I feel angry during a conversation, then I get 'uber calm' my voice goes very low, slow and quiet, and I considerer EVERYTHING I am saying.

People find it difficult to argue with me............

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:16 am

Supersilly@rse wrote: I don't argue, and haven't done since I was at school

I analyse, debate and pull things apart so they can be worked on.

I recently upset a very good friend of mine (I was being an insensitive @rse) and when she confronted me about it - I sat her down and questioned her, finding out what I had done, what I had said, why it upset her and how she felt about the whole thing.

Once we had it all 'on the table' we addressed it bit by bit and she realised that she had been over sensitive as well as me being insensitive. the whole thing was done and dusted in an hour!

If I feel angry during a conversation, then I get 'uber calm' my voice goes very low, slow and quiet, and I considerer EVERYTHING I am saying.

People find it difficult to argue with me............I hate people like that! :-5

:D

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:21 am

Supersilly@rse wrote: I don't argue, and haven't done since I was at school

I analyse, debate and pull things apart so they can be worked on.

I recently upset a very good friend of mine (I was being an insensitive @rse) and when she confronted me about it - I sat her down and questioned her, finding out what I had done, what I had said, why it upset her and how she felt about the whole thing.

Once we had it all 'on the table' we addressed it bit by bit and she realised that she had been over sensitive as well as me being insensitive. the whole thing was done and dusted in an hour!

If I feel angry during a conversation, then I get 'uber calm' my voice goes very low, slow and quiet, and I considerer EVERYTHING I am saying.

People find it difficult to argue with me............

no they dont

Supersilly@rse · Post by **Supersilly@rse** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:22 am

jimbo wrote: no they dont

What makes you feel this way? Is there something that I can do to make you feel differently? How can I support you in this? :wah:

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:24 am

Hamster wrote: Yeah because you take the anger out of it and respond with calm. People automatically respond in kind...

yes they dont

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 4:26 am

Supersilly@rse wrote: What makes you feel this way? Is there something that I can do to make you feel differently? How can I support you in this? :wah:

i give up :wah: :wah:

Supersilly@rse · Post by **Supersilly@rse** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:47 am

Excellent! :wah:

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:50 am

Supersilly@rse wrote: Excellent! :wah:

you dont really think that

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:50 am

Supersilly@rse wrote: What makes you feel this way? Is there something that I can do to make you feel differently? How can I support you in this? :wah:

SuperSilly

What a *great* way to handle disagreements. I am going to try to be more like this in the future.

I like it a lot :-6

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:52 am

Hamster wrote: why do you feel the need to give up Jimbo?? Maybe we should all sit down and discuss this over a quiet cup of tea?? :wah: :wah:

all cups of tea are quite unless there screaming hot

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:56 am

Marie5656 wrote: I turn inward. Shut down. I find it hard, like Nomad, to argue back. Would rather just go away and come back later.

I mean, I have my change of life bitchy moments..where you just do not mess with me. But I cannot hold my own in a fight.

My husband is the personal attack and name caller fighter. And I am no match for that. sadly, that makes him angrier, when I am unable or unwilling to respond when he is angry. :-5

Sounds like I used to be.....even apologised when it wasn't my fault, just to keep the peace.

I think it's best to walk away when you're riled and come back later to talk rather than lash out and say/do something that will be regretted later. This can be infuriating to the other party though....