Dad--the lawnmower is in the swimming pool.

bigdumbswede · Post by **bigdumbswede** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:25 am

I have an older brother, Lars. He is a highly successful businessman who owns a constuction company. He functions normally in the business world. But here at home, he is a flaming a**hole. I still think Mother should have knocked him in the head when he was born and saved everyone else the trouble.

I say this mostly because I like to think that I'm the only normal kid that our parents had. At least I'm not an a**hole like Lars.

Lars technically has two sets of kids, the oldest three who were a set of triplets from his German girlfriend that he met in his Army days, when all US soldiers were sent to West Germany for awhile. Then he married a wonderful woman a few years later and they had four more. Lars is a tightfisted, controlling old curmudgeon and I have no idea why his wife stays with him. If I had been born a woman in this life and married Lars, I would have gone out to buy a loaf of bread and never came back. Years ago.

My brother's last two boys are still at home and they spend a lot of time with my youngest two sons. They're like a band of brothers.

All four of these boys are working for Lars and Karl, my other brother. A couple weeks ago, one of Lars' sons got a bit rambunctious with one of those pneumatic nailgun machines while working roofing a new house and nailed Lars' foot to the plywood. Apparently it involved a lot of drama at the time, what with my nephew Chris having to run down a ladder to find a crow bar to pry his father's foot loose from the roofing. I said that he should have just left him nailed to the roof and came home.

Naturally Lars failed to follow my professional advice and continued to go to work on the injured foot. He calls last week to tell me that his foot his extremely swollen and red, he's in excruciating pain and would I do something about it.

So now Lars is home laid up with the foot, I'm going over there twice a day to administer intravenous antibiotics and threatening him daily with a nasty case of osteomyelitis if he doesn't stay off his feet.

Erik calls me yesterday, his voice filled with panic.

"Dad, get over here!!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm over here at Uncle Lars. He's on the warpath!"

"Oh, for Christ's sake, NOW what?

"Uhhh, get over here. Hurry."

I rush over to my brother's house. Apparently all four of the boys got the bright idea to play a new form of paintball while riding lawn mowers and four wheelers. They were tearing around the whole general area, going like hell, while simultaneously popping each other with their paintball guns. Erik and John, my own sons, know that I don't like them playing paintball simply because I've seen some bad injuries in my line of work. At least they were wearing paintball helmets.

It must require a certain amount of skill to operate a lawn tractor in fourth gear AND shoot at your cousins, because Chris drove his father's new Husgvarna 42 inch cut lawn tractor into their swimming pool.

I arrived JUST in time to see Lars rise up like Lazarus, coming out the house to survey the damage. Oh Jesus. He's getting around on a walker, or a Zimmer frame, as it's called in Europe.

When he sees the lawn tractor in the pool, Lars if frothing at the mouth. His eyes are bulging out of his head. He is almost apoplectic. I'm waiting for the skin to split on his skull.

The kids take off on foot and Lars chases the nearest offender, his other son, Mattias, and seeing that he can't catch him, hobbling on his bum leg, he FLINGS the walker frame at the kid and it misses and hits the dog. The dog is wondering what the hell he did; the dog turns and gives Lars a dirty look. By this time, I'm dying of laughter, and Lars turns his wrath on me because I'm laughing at the whole scene. I have the ability to find humor in certain situations. Lars does not.

So I spent the afternoon helping the kids get the tractor out of the pool. All in all, a swimming pool is a nice place to spend a hot afternoon, even if it does contain a lawn tractor.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:45 am

BDS

What can I say

I just love the way you tell a story!

They are simply a joy to read :-6

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:46 am

Thank you for another very good laugh before I go to work today BDS.:-6

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:47 am

ROFPMSL!!!!

OMG your posts are hilarious! I can just picture the bemused look on that poor dog's face!

I bet he is used to copping the blame when the kids are getting into trouble! :wah:

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:49 am

Btw, if your brothers are Lars and Karl... does that make you a Sven? Just guessing!

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:56 am

:yh_clap:yh_clap:yh_clap:yh_clap Great!

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 7:14 am

BigDumbSwede wrote: By this time, I'm dying of laughter, and Lars turns his wrath on me because I'm laughing at the whole scene. I have the ability to find humor in certain situations. Lars does not.

I can just picture this scene. Hilarious! Poor dog. You tell them so well, Big. You should take up storywriting. You're a natch for it.:wah: :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

minks · Post by **minks** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 7:31 am

Aw Big you can only laugh and appreciate your frustration, keep the stories coming they are fantastic. You have had quite the adventures in parenthood, I hope when you are old and in a home your great kids come and take good care of you cause you sound like you are doing a bang up job.

Fantastic stories.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 7:33 am

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

Thanks for the laugh this morning. I can't wait for more stories.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 8:25 am

More stories please....:-6

bigdumbswede · Post by **bigdumbswede** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:27 pm

Rapunzel wrote: Btw, if your brothers are Lars and Karl... does that make you a Sven? Just guessing!

Is my name Sven?? Ja!

Actually it's my middle name. My first name is Odd. An unfortunate name to give a child if you plan to move to an English-speaking nation when the child is a teenager. It's a grand old Norse name if you're a Norwegian or a Swede, of course.

venus · Post by **venus** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:51 pm

Poor dog..

Im with you l'd have beed doubled over...

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Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 2:36 pm

bigdumbswede wrote: Is my name Sven?? Ja!

Actually it's my middle name. My first name is Odd. An unfortunate name to give a child if you plan to move to an English-speaking nation when the child is a teenager. It's a grand old Norse name if you're a Norwegian or a Swede, of course.
What a brilliant name! I've never heard of it before, but I love unusual and interesting names. My son has a fab name too.

Would it be too much to ask if your surname is Evens? Odd Sven Evens? Odds and evens?

Well I thought it was funny!

My best friend's sister married a Swede. She named their daughter Chloe because (apparently) none of the swedes could pronounce it, which amused her no end! Oh that great English warped sense of humour!

She and her husband bought a house in Sweden quite cheaply. Apparently the house had been lived in for years by two elderly sisters. They had no relatives so the house was cheap because they had to sort out all the old dears stuff and give it to the charity shops. Anyway, my friends sis was going through the wardrobe and found some old handbags. She opened one, joking that it would be full of diamonds. . . and found it was full of old dentures! :wah: She refused to open any more and made her husband do it, and apparently he DID find all their old jewellery in another bag! It was worth quite a bit too!

ZAP · Post by **ZAP** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 5:46 pm

That's a hilarious story.

I'd probably froth at the mouth if I saw my lawnmower in the swimming pool and if somebody nailed my foot to the roof!

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:23 pm

I arrived JUST in time to see Lars rise up like Lazarus

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

I thought I was going to die ... picturing it

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Aug 26, 2006 10:01 pm

:wah: :wah: Excellent story, your a fab story teller..