How to deal with someone who's life is an eternal pity party??

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 12:27 pm

Kim and I were discussing this today, and were wondering about this. There is a person in Kim's office who's entire existance seems to revolve around "Oh poor, pitiful me". Do any of you have a person like that?

OK, remember that the majority of the folks in her office have some sort of developmental disability..some have CP, some have learning disabilities, etc.

There is one girl, though who has CP and a vision impairment. Her whole day centers on Poor me...I am disabled, poor me, I am blind, poor me I hate having 24 aide service. The whole route. Her lates is she hates having to live at home with her parents, and she hates having to live on campus while she is going to college.

We hear it all day, every day. The thing is, they are all disabled there...they all need **some** level of assistance. Many have done, or are in process of doing things that will eventually make thier lives better.

This person, though, seems to just like to hear herself complain, and is looking for sympathy. This is where my question for you comes in. How would you respond to this type of person? Today I tried talking with her and reminding her she is an adult now, and sometimes adults (disabled or not) have issues and things about thier lives that they want to change, but for whatever reason, they cannot.

Her usual response is "But you don't get it..." and off she goes again into the same rant.

What do you think? What else can we suggest?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 12:32 pm

I do not think she will change, she might not be able to. I would ignore it when it is an unnecessary gripe. If it is something she needs assistance on, then help her.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 1:25 pm

How about

a plolite

"I am sorry this is so difficult for you, and you are right I have no idea what you are going through, perhaps joining a support group would be more helpful as I am sure there are others in the same or worse situation as you. I wish I could offer more" Cheers and have a nice life and leave me alone ooops ok sorry drop that last bit hehehehe

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 1:43 pm

Has anyone tried GIVING her some sympathy? The poor dear has it rough.

There's the old trick of reflecting back what the person is saying "So

what you're telling me is you hate living at home with your parents?"

Repeating things over and over BACK to her might make her feel a little

more like she's being heard and you DO get it.

The other trick is having her write it all down. It's quiet, at least. Or

get her professional help from someone who can prescribe mood

elevators.

And lastly, a therapy dog? Not a guide dog, but a dog who comes in

and doesn't care if it has to listen to hours of a human's troubles.

They are very forgiving that way.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 3:31 pm

The listeners could spend one day pretending they have CP, a vision impairment, live with their parents, or are confined to a wheel chair, or institution. That might inspire some methods of conveying compassion in a way that could give comfort, and perhaps bring about some change in attitude on the sufferers part.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 3:35 pm

I must say, having the pleasure of knowing Marie over the past few months, she is clearly and without a doubt a kind, caring and loving person.

My guess is that she's made *every* opportunity to understand this person and be compassionate to her situation.

This sounds like more of a case of "We know how hard you think your life is. Could you find some positive contribution you can make outside of yourself? Is there anything you could devote your energies to other than self-pity?"

But then again, that's only my opinion:-6

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:06 pm

No, I didnt see it.. and by the way.. I could never work in an enviorment dealing with the physically, or mentally impaired. I can only imagine what a drain it is. Not one that I would choose to deal with.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:11 pm

weeder wrote: No, I didnt see it.. and by the way.. I could never work in an enviorment dealing with the physically, or mentally impaired. I can only imagine what a drain it is. Not one that I would choose to deal with.

I wouldn't have chosen too either, but I have to, you get used to it and it's very rewarding. :-4

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:20 pm

I am talking about choosing it as a career. Relations are in another cateagory

Perhaps dealing with my own loved ones with emmotional and psychological problems takes so much effort... there isnt anything left for anyone else.

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:23 pm

weeder wrote: The listeners could spend one day pretending they have CP, a vision impairment, live with their parents, or are confined to a wheel chair, or institution. That might inspire some methods of conveying compassion in a way that could give comfort, and perhaps bring about some change in attitude on the sufferers part.

Good point weeder, except that the majority of the folks she is complaining to already know what a disability is like..because they are all disabled themselves. This person will often make it seem that her life with a disability is **much** more tragic than thiers.

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:29 pm

Even Kim, who her self has severe CP told me today that she feels guilty because she is tired of listening to this young lady WHINE.

I have the impression that even if she got what she wanted...a different college (they don't understand her), moving out of parents home (they don't understand her either), a job..she still would find something to be unhappy about.

I have tried talking with her, reminding her that part of being an adult is we often have situations in our life that make us unhappy, but we learn to deal the best we can.

I did use the thing about yes I do not have a disability, and no I do not know what it is like..but I still have had tough times, still have things in my life I wish I could change...but the reality is, I cannot change them now, maybe never will..so I make the best of the situation I am in.

I have arthritus...some days are worse than others...so I find things to do that do not involve alot of walking, or things that make me hurt more. On the good days..I do as much as I can!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:36 pm

Well then.. If the professionals did an analysis of the backgrounds of the patients ( which Im certain they have done) They would more than likely find that the sorely negatives patients past is probably lacking factors that the others have had. Like loving support of family members. So she has an additional handicap. It is the misfortune of those surrounded by her, to have to deal with her negativity. It has been my experience that there is no way to inject, or bring , or inspire gratefullness, joy, gratitude, or quiet acceptance into a heart that doesnt want it. I deal with it everyday myself. And I have mentally put myself in the persons shoes to try to relate to them on a sympethetic level, to no avail. It may sound cruel... but maybe things get to a point where you have to turn a deaf ear.

charity2k4 · Post by **charity2k4** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:58 am

How old is this lady ? Is she quite young ? I would remind her that a lot of people get to a stage where they want to move away from home away from parents and that feeling is not distinctly related to someone who has a disability but people in general.

i'd persue whats stopping her from moving home too, put the responsibility back in her hands to make take some responsibility & choice for maintaining a situation that she is unhappy with.

There a lots of support services available in the U.K. that are designed to enable someone to live as independently as possible within the community. However for some thats obviously not possible due to the extent of the disability.

Sometimes if you are constantly told that you cant do something, you actually start to believe it. So you tell yourself over and over you cant acheive..its self-destructive...

Wherever possible i would show her that she has choices...

use the other people in the office with disabilities to share their stories of how they have overcome difficulties to show that its a "personal choice and her perception " rather than the disability that is making the most impact..

Enforce the thought ..I can,:) therefore i will..

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 10:30 am

charity2k4 wrote: Enforce the thought ..I can,:) therefore i will..

Charity2k4, I like that a lot:-6

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:20 am

charity2k4 wrote: How old is this lady ? Is she quite young ? I would remind her that a lot of people get to a stage where they want to move away from home away from parents and that feeling is not distinctly related to someone who has a disability but people in general.

..

She is 20. And I did try that route....the been there done that senerio. She sees herself as under her mother's thumb, and unable to get out...because she is blind.

I did try to remind her that now, while she is in school (a not inexpensive one, by the way..I went there myself) she is best off sticking it out for another year..till she graduates. And move on then...she does not know now where she will be getting work, and all.

It is interesting...because if you catch her at just the right time, she seems to really like being at home..the safety of it all. I think she is so used to complaining, she sees no other way to get the attention.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:23 am

Marie5656 wrote: I think she is so used to complaining, she sees no other way to get the attention.

This is true of so many people. And I'm talking about nondisabled folks as well:(

YOU make things happen in your life. Be active, not reactive. LIVE your life!:-6

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:24 am

charity2k4 wrote: Enforce the thought ..I can,:) therefore i will..

I like that line. I use the thought alot with Kim..who is slowly coming to terms with the fact that she **needs** to move on, and out of mer mom's home. Not because it is a bad place to be, but because it is time to move on and become more independant.

Kim is recently trying new things...and finding out she is capable of doing more and experiencing more than she ever has in the past. She went to an OT evaluation and came to the realization that she has often said she could not do a task because of her disability, and the OT used the try a different way tactic, and Kim is finding she has more capabilities that she has given her self credit for. Mainly due to being so used to just letting mom do for her.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:26 am

Marie, sounds like she's building up more self-confidence. Good for her!

charity2k4 · Post by **charity2k4** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 2:30 pm

Marie5656 wrote: She is 20. And I did try that route....the been there done that senerio. She sees herself as under her mother's thumb, and unable to get out...because she is blind.

I did try to remind her that now, while she is in school (a not inexpensive one, by the way..I went there myself) she is best off sticking it out for another year..till she graduates. And move on then...she does not know now where she will be getting work, and all.

It is interesting...because if you catch her at just the right time, she seems to really like being at home..the safety of it all. I think she is so used to complaining, she sees no other way to get the attention.

hmm just food for thought but if smeone has been brainwashed with a concept for most of their existence why would anyone think 6 months of trying an approach will barely skim the surface..

perharps you could do an exercise with her to get her thinking..

A) what does she consider to be the difficulties she has in life

B) what steps can she do to overcome them

C) where does she want to be in life a moth from now, 3months , 6months a year from now

D ) what are the obstacles and what steps does she need to overcome them

E if she keeps it like a diary she may be able to see the things she has acheived

just a suggestion..

maybe if she can recognise her acheivements it will be a catalyst for change

i thought she might be young, it must be soo hard for her, what does she do outside school.....does she have a social life ?

hmm my feeling is that if she is using her disability as attention seeking behaviour..you ignore the behaviour and give her positive attention at other times when she is not being like that..

good luck it cant be easy to deal with

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Fri Jul 07, 2006 2:39 pm

charity2k4 wrote: hmm my feeling is that if she is using her disability as attention seeking behaviour..you ignore the behaviour and give her positive attention at other times when she is not being like that..

good luck it cant be easy to deal with

I know the girl has friends, and a social life. But it seems she makes no attempt to want to be patient and wait.

As a support staff, for Kim, many of the others turn to me for guidance and advice...and the main reason I posted here was so many of them have come to me asking how to deal with the situation. The other day I did suggest ignoring the negative, and reinforcing the positive. Getting her involved in what the group is doing (giving her tasks she is able to do, so she cannot focus on what she cannot). It seems to work. Will have to see when I am back from vacation.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Jul 12, 2006 4:18 pm

Marie5656 wrote: Kim and I were discussing this today, and were wondering about this. There is a person in Kim's office who's entire existance seems to revolve around "Oh poor, pitiful me". Do any of you have a person like that?

OK, remember that the majority of the folks in her office have some sort of developmental disability..some have CP, some have learning disabilities, etc.

There is one girl, though who has CP and a vision impairment. Her whole day centers on Poor me...I am disabled, poor me, I am blind, poor me I hate having 24 aide service. The whole route. Her lates is she hates having to live at home with her parents, and she hates having to live on campus while she is going to college.

We hear it all day, every day. The thing is, they are all disabled there...they all need **some** level of assistance. Many have done, or are in process of doing things that will eventually make thier lives better.

This person, though, seems to just like to hear herself complain, and is looking for sympathy. This is where my question for you comes in. How would you respond to this type of person? Today I tried talking with her and reminding her she is an adult now, and sometimes adults (disabled or not) have issues and things about thier lives that they want to change, but for whatever reason, they cannot.

Her usual response is "But you don't get it..." and off she goes again into the same rant.

What do you think? What else can we suggest?

You could try flying her over to Chad or Uzbekistan, maybe Burma. Dump her off the plane and tell her youll be back in a month to pick her up. That should do it.