The Mystery of Jives' Biological Parents

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:48 pm

The thread on adoption and a recent PM by Chonsi have got me thinking again.

I was born Victoria Hospital, West Hollywood. (I hear it's a dump there now) My adoptive parents were living in Bakersfield at the time. That time being 1960.

My biological mother and father were both young actors who could not take care of me.

Now that my adoptive parents are both dead, I'm thinking of finding them. Who knows what might happen?

I've already contacted a service in Florida, they day that both are still alive, but they want $800 to tell me where they live and facillitate the meet.

I don't have that kind of spare cash right now.

What does everyone think? Is it worth it? Will it go wrong? I already have such a wonderful family and memories of my adoptive parents, should I risk them?

Biggest question of all....Am I related to someone famous?:o

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:50 pm

contact international soundex registry Jives. it's a match-up service, and it's free. it only works if all parties have registered however, but it's worth a try. ISRR - International Soundex Reunion Registry

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:51 pm

That is a hard question. The answer has got to come from inside you. Maybe its Harrison FOrd or Sean COnnery!

What is your heart telling you? THey wont be able to change your mind about your adoptive parents, so I say go for it!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:55 pm

My adopted Korean brother went back and found his biological mother-she thought he was dead for 20 years! She was a very nice lady, and he brought her home to the U.S. to live out her remaining days in what to her was luxury, and not poverty. He was never sorry to have found her, and we took great delight in having his 2 mothers present at all family occassions. It was a very good thing, and his love for our mother never decreased-just more love to share with everyone!

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:59 pm

I can't see that it would hurt to ask for a meeting. They are free to agree or disagree. They probably wonder whatever happened to you but don't know if they should try and contact you or not.

I say give it a go, Jives.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 2:59 pm

lady cop wrote: contact international soundex registry Jives. it's a match-up service, and it's free. it only works if all parties have registered however, but it's worth a try. ISRR - International Soundex Reunion Registry

I did this last time I talked to you, LC. No results so far. I wish I new their names, I have the access permission to find them in the adoption records!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:02 pm

DesignerGal wrote: What is your heart telling you?

It's telling me that I look a lot like Robert Redford. LOL!

But seriously, I'm getting more and more curious all the time. Worse yet, I keep getting this terrible feeling that one of both of them might die before I get the chance to meet them!

I guess I should just start a "Christmas Club" type account and feed a few dollars into it when I can. (A difficult feat for a teacher as Chonsi and Mrs. K will tell you!)

When I hit $800, bingo!

:o

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:05 pm

Jives wrote: It's telling me that I look a lot like Robert Redford. LOL!

But seriously, I'm getting more and more curious all the time. Worse yet, I keep getting this terrible feeling that one of both of them might die before I get the chance to meet them!

I guess I should just start a "Christmas Club" type account and feed a few dollars into it when I can. (A difficult feat for a teacher as Chonsi and Mrs. K will tell you!)

When I hit $800, bingo!

:o

Well Jives prepare yourself for every kind of emotion possible, joy, sadness, disappontment, pleasure, disgust, etc. And if you think your heart can take it then go for it. You never know unless you try.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:14 pm

Jives wrote: ......... I have the access permission to find them in the adoption records!

Wouldn't this mean that they left an opening for you to seek them out whenever you might feel moved to do so?

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:14 pm

minks wrote: sadness, disappontment, disgust,

Yeah, that's occurred to me. What if they turn out to be total losers?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:16 pm

You have your adoptive parents to always know loved you, and all the memories you have of them, Jives.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:16 pm

Jives wrote: Yeah, that's occurred to me. What if they turn out to be total losers?

......and if they are, what would that change in your life.................. You aren't in the market for trophy parents, you are just filling in some blanks from the past.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:19 pm

SOJOURNER wrote:

......and if they are, what would that change in your life.................. You aren't in the market for trophy parents, you are just filling in some blanks from the past.

Excellent Point SOJO. I say go for it Jives and you're a wise man and I am sure you won't place unrealistic expectations on them.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:23 pm

SOJOURNER wrote:

......and if they are, what would that change in your life.................. You aren't in the market for trophy parents, you are just filling in some blanks from the past.

True...I never thought of that. Well I know one guy who found his bio-parents. He found out he had a sister and a brother, but he told me he didn't want to let them into his life. He said he had a good life already and it was nice to know them, but they were still just strangers, and strangers he didn't like much either.

I guess what he said is what has been putting me off. $800 is a lot to plunk down to meet people you don't know or like.

On the other hand, I think, "What if my father really really misses me? (He was the one who refused to sign the adoption papers for over a month) What if his whole life he has wondered where I was and what I was up to? (And I've got some pretty good stories to tell him, that's for sure!) Same for my mother.

their minds at rest?

:(

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:44 pm

Jives, you can't answer any of those questions without meeting them. You've either got to stop "what-iffing" and put them out of your mind, or go for it and see what happens. $800 dollars may be wasted, but at least you will know the answers to your questions. On the other hand, it could be $800 dollars well spent, and you'll have your answers.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:46 pm

Jives My aunt wondered about searching out her son, he is a full cousin to me, as in both my aunt and uncle contributed to his birth. She spent many a year toiling with this. Finally she took the step and searched for him. She was happy he responded. He lives in California, he is dirt poor has 2 kids and is not the most healthy person in the world. My aunt met him numerous times, and brought him to Canada to meet his true siblings. 2 of the 3 siblings accepted him. He was fine with that, as were my cousins and life went on...the point of the story was everyone accepted their fate and life went on.

So really Jives only you can decide weather you want to do this or not, and only you can determine how you will act afterwards. I wish you luck all in all.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:24 pm

It sounds to me, from what you have said, as though you want to find them, but that $800 is a lot of money to fork out for that.

Ignoring the $800 for now, decide in your heart whether you want to meet them or not. My best friend is adopted (as is her 'sister') and we have discussed her finding her birth family. She has said that she loves her adoptive parents and considers them to be her 'true' parents and would never consider looking for any of her birth family. however, if that was me, I know I would be deperate to see where I came from and who my 'true' birth family were. You have to take the time to look deep inside your heart and find out if you want to know who they are - warts and all!

Going back to the $800...is it just one company who quoted that amount to you?

That seems awfully steep! I am reminded of all the help ACC gave following Hurricane Katrina. He did some internet research and found friends and family members for people who thought they had lost everyone! We can do so much with the internet today and files are open for people to search where once everything was tied up in red tape and impossible to find. All you are doing is paying someone else to do an internet search for you!

Make a list of all you know. Do you know your birth parents real names? or their Acting names? Can you search at the hospital where you were born or talk to someone on the admin side there? Do a little research of your own. Google your rights in searching for them. I'm sure I have heard that there are internet site where you can leave your details in case others are searching for you. You know your way around the internet and I'm sure you could find a lot of useful and relevant information!

Also, I think we instinctively want to protect our kids. It sounds as though they wanted you to have a better life than the one they could give you. It means they loved you very much to give you up to a better life. So they must still feel that loss and would probably want to see you and see that you are well, as much as you want to see them. Its not a case of whether you're rich or they're rich, but you could show them that you have lived a wonderful fulfilling life and that their sacrifice was worth while!

PS. I would guess they're not rich because (a) if they were they would have spent thousands of dollars tracking you down and (b) the paparazzi would have tracked you down as a newsworthy item, e.g., "Robert Redford's love child given up for adoption..." or whatever.

So my advice is: Try some internet research and see how far you get. Then decide how far you want to take it. You may payout $800 only to find they take your money and learn no more than you have found out on your own! Instead, take a little of that money and buy your wife some nice flowers. Her support through your search will be worth more than any info some money-grabbing company can give you. Big Hugs to you Jives and Best of Luck to you. :yh_hugs

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:31 pm

I kinda know how you feel Jives. I have no idea about my biological father. I want to find him, but a million what if's, keep me from looking. My major fear is rejection. I say find them, and close the chapter in your life.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:32 pm

What's the chances of this agency contacting the bio parents and seeing if they will spring for the 8 big ones.............

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:56 pm

Jives wrote: True...I never thought of that. Well I know one guy who found his bio-parents. He found out he had a sister and a brother, but he told me he didn't want to let them into his life. He said he had a good life already and it was nice to know them, but they were still just strangers, and strangers he didn't like much either.

I guess what he said is what has been putting me off. $800 is a lot to plunk down to meet people you don't know or like.

On the other hand, I think, "What if my father really really misses me? (He was the one who refused to sign the adoption papers for over a month) What if his whole life he has wondered where I was and what I was up to? (And I've got some pretty good stories to tell him, that's for sure!) Same for my mother.

their minds at rest?

:(
You ripped my heart out when you said " What if my father really misses me?"

Im so glad you came back here. Look for your parents. Prepare yourself in case your dissapointed. But dont spend 800.00 to do it. There has to be a no charge way for you to have this info. Plus remember to re charge your love battery by the person whos with you who you know does love you. Here and now. What does it matter if they are losers.. Your not.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 11:39 am

Rapunzel's advice is pretty sound to me.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:21 pm

Your birth parents may wonder if they did the right thing or not. What a relief it would be for them to know what an outstanding person you have become. They may be letting the fear of rejection stop them from searching too.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:45 pm

If you want to know, and can afford it, go for it. Either they will welcome you with open arms, in which case you've just expanded your family, or they will reject you, in which case you will appreciate your real parents that much more.

What's to lose?

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:53 pm

Far Rider wrote: Ok I got some stupid questions jives... what names are on your birth certificate? Do you know your original name if it was changed and why cant you just go to the county records office and get an original birth certificate? Get the names yourself, pay $39 bucks for unlmited search on Lisalookup and go for it!

I agree with Far on this one jives, there has to be a name on your BC that you can start to track for starters on the Web. And as for your adoptive parents, they're gone, so you don't have to worry about maybe you're hurting their feelings by knowing that you want to find your bio parents.

Go for it, you may be plesantly surprised & elaited that you did, & or if it turns out to be not so good, well then you can always say: "well it was nice to meet you" & be on your way!

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Fri Feb 17, 2006 6:57 am

Go with your heart, it sounds like you do want to meet them. It's your choice then whether you make them a part of your life or not. Good luck to you!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:37 am

Far Rider wrote: Ok I got some stupid questions jives... what names are on your birth certificate? Do you know your original name if it was changed and why cant you just go to the county records office and get an original birth certificate? Get the names yourself, pay $39 bucks for unlmited search on Lisalookup and go for it!

lol. Like I tell my students, Far, the only stupid question is the one you DIDN'T ask! Sorry to have to tell you, but when a child is adopted out of a hospital, they reissue a new birth certificate with the adoptive parents names on it. I have no trace or record of the original birth certificate.

I've tried to access the California database by myself, but it's unbelievably complicated. I got completey lost and never gained even a smidge of information to help me.

Now...THIS JUST IN!!

One of the ForumGarden members is helping me. She has a contact who is an investigator. (She can identify herself if she wants to, I won't reveal her name unless she OK's it.)

This investigator has apparently found that there were only 32 babies born in that area on my birthday.

Of those, only 7 were born in the hospital with me.

of those, only THREE were boys.

We are currently in touch with one of the three parents. Logically we have a 1 in 3 chance that this may be my father. I have sent pictures to her to see if we can get a family resemblance.

Needless to say, I will not be sleeping tonight.

Stay tuned for more developments!!

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?!!!!!!:eek: :yh_dance

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:43 am

that IS exciting Jives, how will you approach them?

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:44 am

lady cop wrote: that IS exciting Jives, how will you approach them?

Most likely with a tear in my eye... and my arms wide open.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:45 am

Oh, you mean contact. I'll try e-mail first, I'm more eloquent and less emotional in print. Then by phone, and finally face-to-face.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 11:45 am

Wooo very exiting Jives!! :-6 Can't wait for you to get the info..

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 2:58 pm

Jives the pics have been sent and she says she has an email address - will know something as soon as he can respond and my brother phones! I gave him your number--i hope its ok....I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!:-4

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 3:18 pm

I really hope you find what your looking for Jives.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 5:47 pm

This is wonderful how your forum friendship is instrumental in your quest. It's very exciting to be in on the ground floor of your discovery. I hope everything that comes out of your meeting is a blessing to you.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 6:39 pm

Jives, I'm thrilled for you!

I've got everything crossed in the hope all goes well for you!

Big hugs to you & Mrs Jives!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:19 pm

Your FG family is here for ya, buddy. :-6

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:54 pm

Jives, it's none of my business, but what i meant is how will first contact be made? i don't want to see you get hurt or disillusioned! i hope they make you feel welcome and wanted. but prepare yourself for anything...when my daughter and i met the first time both of us were contacted by a third party first to see if we were amenable and accepting. gladly, we both were. i got a phone call saying she was going to call me, and asking if it were OK with me, if i wanted that contact. the other side of that coin is Bothwell, he went to see his bio-mom without saying who he was, he said he was an investigator...she was totally rejecting and cruel. i am only posting this because he has done so in the past. it was so hurtful, but he got on with his life and had wonderful parents, and he is a very good loving son. ...sometimes people are afraid to face the past. here's a great thing...i had three sons. i had to tell them all before she came to visit with us. i was so proud!! they embraced her as a sister right away and loved her! what a joy!

cars · Post by **cars** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 2:56 am

WOW jives, that sounds like wonderful news, Best Wishes for everything to work out well for you!!!!!

(Ya gotta love your FG family, see how they can really help)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:11 am

Jives wrote: Yeah, that's occurred to me. What if they turn out to be total losers?
Who cares? Satisfy your curiosity, Jives. Remember my motto? "Regret the things you do, not the things you WISH you'd done." Find them and you will not regret having done it, regardless of their reception of you, or your perception of them. GO FOR IT!!! :-6

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 3:15 am

BabyRider wrote: Who cares? Satisfy your curiosity, Jives. Remember my motto? "Regret the things you do, not the things you WISH you'd done." Find them and you will not regret having done it, regardless of their reception of you, or your perception of them. GO FOR IT!!! :-6
After actually reading the whole thread, i see your efforts are underway. BEST of luck and I hope this all works out the way you want it to. Very excited for you, Jives. Keep plugging away, you'll find what you're looking for. Can't wait for updates!!!!

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:21 am

How exciting!! Best wishes to you!:)

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:10 am

BabyRider wrote: Who cares? Satisfy your curiosity, Jives. Remember my motto? "Regret the things you do, not the things you WISH you'd done." Find them and you will not regret having done it, regardless of their reception of you, or your perception of them. GO FOR IT!!! :-6

Kind of like my wish to be a writer... All my life I kept thinking, "I really need to try writing." But I was always too busy, then one day I thought, "Well? Why not start now, what have I got to lose?"

Same thing here, even if it goes bad, at least I'll be able to tell myself, "I did it." and not "I wonder what it would be like?":o

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 9:10 am

BabyRider wrote: Who cares? Satisfy your curiosity, Jives. Remember my motto? "Regret the things you do, not the things you WISH you'd done." Find them and you will not regret having done it, regardless of their reception of you, or your perception of them. GO FOR IT!!! :-6

Kind of like my wish to be a writer... All my life I kept thinking, "I really need to try writing." But I was always too busy, then one day I thought, "Well? Why not start now, what have I got to lose?"

Same thing here, even if it goes bad, at least I'll be able to tell myself, "I did it." and not "I wonder what it would be like?":o

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:34 am

OK gang, here's the latest update:

Apparently, there were only 32 children born in Hollywood California on that day. Of those, only 7 were born in the same hospital as me and only 3 were boys.

I also got information that the investigator had gotten a hold of a daughter (my sister) who had the same birth mother as I. She still knew who her birth-mother was, so she is trying to get the message to my birth - mother.

the investigator states that it was incredibly easy to find these people, possibly because they were already looking for me.

The investigator is in contact with a man who has the same initials, first and middle, as my birth-father. Apparently he doesn't know that he had a son.

If that pans out, we still have two other sets of parents to go.

Wish us luck.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 11:38 am

And the plot thickens!

Fingers crossed for ya!

cars · Post by **cars** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 1:18 pm

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:37 pm

Well.......I have chills up my spine for you...............How very exciting that you can fill in some blanks AND have new family in your life. I say this because family roots are very important to me. GOOD luck.....and if I may say so..........HOW COULD ANYONE NOT LOVE YOU AND BE PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!