Galbally's Advice Column for FG.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:51 pm

Galbally wrote: They are not real people, I do not accept that these are actual human beings, and I refuse to allow them on my advice column again, if they have a problem, I shall consult Far Rider.watching him sniveling and weeping on the courthouse steps was quite entertaining.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:57 pm

*from the more "troubled" of the FG members, of whom yourself, arnold, and nomad, are a select group*

Why am I takin Galballster heat ? Ive been at work all day, whadid I do ?:(

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:59 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Well of course doctor, you have yet again given me succour. 2 pints of Lemon Barley has refreshed my vocabulary and loosened my tongue. It seems, after a brief telephone conversation with Arnold, he found himself arbitrarily finishing sentences out of the blue , which obviously made no sense to him or his conversation partner. His friend added that Arnold aquired the habit of blurting out words, this I understand to be the last half of a sentence, a consequence of the quantum doppleganger syndrome.

I think between the two of us, Arnold and I may be able to structure a paragraph or two to make a conversation, but this will only happen with the reversal of our quantum doppleganger effect. This is proving difficult because I wont move to Basingstoke and he has settled in his newly acquired council house. He is reluctant to move after only paying Ã‚£48.00 a week rent.

I have heard Woolworths sell , over the counter, a contraption, not unlike the ones Heath Robinson might design, that would give me and Arnold the chance of a complete reunion. All I could find on my visit was a comprehensive pick-and-mix.

Would you like cola cube or perhaps a barley twist.

The very kind retail assistant did however suggest adjusting the cybertronic parameters on the kinetic alpha wave inducer. I did explain of course that that could only be achieved if the adaptive interface link was in line with the antimatter converter assembly but she looked at me blankly, hey! dont they all.

Me and Arnold long to be complete, as one and besides its cheaper. You know, buying one pair of trousers insted of two

Okay Arnold, this is possible, but I must state that if it goes wrong, I do not want god to sue me for infringement of copyright on the universe, so I do not accept any liability. OK, well, hapily you do not need to buy a device as I deem you intelligent enough to build one.

Phase one.

Firstly you will need a shovel, several used loo rolls, some paper glue, several bags of sparkly glitter, tin foil, a small radio, and carpet tape. First glue the rolls all the way down the handle of the shovel, then cover them in glue, sprinkel the glitter on the rolls, now when that has dried roll the tin foil around the buisness end of the shovel, tape the radio to the handle.

Phase two

Invite the anti arnold to your house, tell him that a property has come onto the market in your area at a well below market price, also tell him you have made rice krispy sqaures. When he eventually comes around bring him to the back garden, conduct small talk until 5.57 pm.

Phase Three

switch on the radio on the handle, tune to radio 4, at precisely 6 o'clock, batter the antiarnold about the head until he dissapears. Then burn the shovel, without switching the radio off. (You must use Radio 4 as the frequency/matter/parrallel inversion code, otherwise you may just create several alternate Jamie Olivers and this would be a disaster. This shoud be the end of the saga. I hope.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:01 pm

Nomad wrote: *from the more "troubled" of the FG members, of whom yourself, arnold, and nomad, are a select group*

Why am I takin Galballster heat ? Ive been at work all day, whadid I do ?:(

Do not worry nomad, all of your problems are kept in the closet confidence, well, as secret as an open forum on the world wide web can be, I do my best and nothing more.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:03 pm

The Lord giveth and taketh away

fine toupees and Rolex watches.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:08 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Well I followed Phase 2 to the letter but all I got was a .........Blue Peter badge

That will do, proceed with the plan sir.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 5:09 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I always thought he looked a lot like Bob's Big Boy:

Sorry, Doctor... I'm leaving now.

OI!, what did I say? You behave yourself on my advice column.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:44 pm

Gosh, haven't seen Bob's Big Boy in years!

Well, on that tangent, Dr. Galbally, what would be the perfect hamburger concoction you can think of for a midnight snack?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:52 pm

Oh, here's one for the good Doc!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:56 pm

No, this is Arnold...............

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 6:58 pm

No, he wants this bridge I have in Brooklyn....................

Attached files

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:02 pm

Oh, surf and turf...................yum!

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:03 pm

I've got a serious question G!

There's a famous Irish song I used to hear in the pub - The River Is Wide?

I think that's the name of it. By a bloke with a lovely voice.

Can you give me a name of who might have sung it?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:15 pm

chonsigirl wrote: Gosh, haven't seen Bob's Big Boy in years!

Well, on that tangent, Dr. Galbally, what would be the perfect hamburger concoction you can think of for a midnight snack?

For a midnight snack, you could do the ever popular hawaii burger as made famous on Pulp fiction, all you need are burgers made out of ham instead of beef, some grilled mushrooms, mozarella cheese, and of course pinapple rings. I'm not posting any pictures as that is not my thing.

As for all this posting picture in what is suppose to be a high-class advice giving out type joint, (you can't leave you lot alone for 2 hours 2 read a blinking book and then this) all I will say is, I am taking everyone's details and passing them on.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:18 pm

ComfortablyNumb wrote: I've got a serious question G!

There's a famous Irish song I used to hear in the pub - The River Is Wide?

I think that's the name of it. By a bloke with a lovely voice.

Can you give me a name of who might have sung it?

I treat all questions as serious CN, what would make you think otherwise? As to the song, I am not sure, but I know I can find out. Give me 48 hours, or you can put my ass on the line (god I've always wanted to say that), just 48 hours that's all I ask, godammit. Seriously, you will have your answer in 48 hours

(hee hee).

P.S. If this song is famous, how come I have never heard of it?, just asking?

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:20 pm

Galbally wrote: I treat all questions as serious CN, what would make you think otherwise? As to the song, I am not sure, but I know I can find out. Give me 48 hours, or you can put my ass on the line (god I've always wanted to say that), just 48 hours that's all I ask, godammit. Seriously, you will have your answer in 48 hours

(hee hee).

P.S. If this song is famous, how come I have never heard of it?, just asking?

How long will it be?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:27 pm

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: How long will it be?

Oi, stop having a laugh you little toerag, only I am allowed to have a laugh here, though that was quite funny, so I will let you off, despite the fact that you need a thump. I think I mentioned 48 hours? Well its 47:45 now as I've wasted time already, ah, it'll be grand sure its only an auld song.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:30 pm

Galbally wrote: Oi, stop having a laugh you little toerag, only I am allowed to have a laugh here, though that was quite funny, so I will let you off, despite the fact that you need a thump. I think I mentioned 48 hours? Well its 47:45 now as I've wasted time already, ah, it'll be grand sure its only an auld song.

well you did say you enjoyed saying it (did you not?):p

I was giving you a reason to say it again...........so how long was that?:o

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:36 pm

StupidCowboyTricks wrote: well you did say you enjoyed saying it (did you not?):p

I was giving you a reason to say it again...........so how long was that?:o

40 god-dam hours plus another god-damn 8 makes 48 god-damn hours, now thats all the time I got here buddy, someones life could be at stake so are you gonna stand in my way? All I know is that there is a popular (allegedly) song out there somewhere and I got 48 hours to work out the guy that sung it, I'll need to hit China town, and the Mob for information, I'll have to work a few DJs over as well, real bad, well that ain't cause of the song or nuthin, just that they got it coming. So thats it buddy, 48 hours all told, oh yeah, its gonna be a long two days, I need a drink, and the company of a dangerous woman.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:43 pm

Go Arnold! I found a different tune by the same name, it had pretty lyrics, but I don't think was the pub song!

Rock on!

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:44 pm

Thank you Arnold, thats saved me a lot of time, 48 god-damned hours to be precise, still, at least we have (you have) narrowed it down a bit now. Anyway, my advice is that you and I turn in as its 2.45am GMT and thats not good. We should definetly do a thread on FG addiction, and how to cope with withdrawl, and the other things in our lives.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 7:58 pm

Galbally wrote: Thank you Arnold, thats saved me a lot of time, 48 god-damned hours to be precise, still, at least we have (you have) narrowed it down a bit now. Anyway, my advice is that you and I turn in as its 2.45am GMT and thats not good. We should definetly do a thread on FG addiction, and how to cope with withdrawl, and the other things in our lives.

.....................................:yh_tong2- lol

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 5:59 am

Ode to Galbally

There once was a lad named Galbally,

Who shares his knowledge so gallantly.

Even though we abuse

His knowledge of muse,

His retorts amaze us, resoundingly!

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:19 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dear Dr,

How long have you fancied yourself a mobbed-up gangster?

Snooze

Look dollface, you ask no questions, and I won't fill ya full of slugs from a .45, OK sweets?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:20 am

chonsigirl wrote: Ode to Galbally

There once was a lad named Galbally,

Who shares his knowledge so gallantly.

Even though we abuse

His knowledge of muse,

His retorts amaze us, resoundingly!

I give you 8 out of ten for effort.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 8:26 am

I gotta Q for ya

Who am I going to vote for in this up coming Federal election. Both crappy sides are flogging funding for child care... for people with children under the age of 6. Do tell what benifit is that to the rest of us Canadians who are way past that childhood stage. The liberals are corrupt and that is why the election has been called .... some scandal over doling out scandalous amounts of money to some hokey sponsership. Our conservative party is useless, they keep trying but have ridden on liberal coat tails way to long to do much good really. Our majority of voting party resides in Eastern Canada, they have always favored the Liberals. People are urging the West to get out and vote but just who do we vote for. I pray we do not see our trd party the NDP party get in as the leader is a flamboyant ass, and that party has literally driven one province out of 10 to ruin already. I really am stumped. Any wise words??

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:24 pm

minks wrote: I gotta Q for ya

Who am I going to vote for in this up coming Federal election. Both crappy sides are flogging funding for child care... for people with children under the age of 6. Do tell what benifit is that to the rest of us Canadians who are way past that childhood stage. The liberals are corrupt and that is why the election has been called .... some scandal over doling out scandalous amounts of money to some hokey sponsership. Our conservative party is useless, they keep trying but have ridden on liberal coat tails way to long to do much good really. Our majority of voting party resides in Eastern Canada, they have always favored the Liberals. People are urging the West to get out and vote but just who do we vote for. I pray we do not see our trd party the NDP party get in as the leader is a flamboyant ass, and that party has literally driven one province out of 10 to ruin already. I really am stumped. Any wise words??

Yes, you must vote for the party that encourages politicians to get out of politics, if this fails, then vote for the crowd who don't actually want any votes, if this fails, ask yourself this, which of any of Canada's mainstream parties has tried to start a fascist society, a communist one? an empire? even a war? I will put it this way, I'm sure Canadian politicans are annoying, but it could be worse. Vote for the least worse option as always.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:27 pm

Galbally wrote: Yes, you must vote for the party that encourages politicians to get out of politics, if this fails, then vote for the crowd who don't actually want any votes, if this fails, ask yourself this, which of any of Canada's mainstream parties has tried to start a fascist society, a communist one? an empire? even a war? I will put it this way, I'm sure Canadian politicans are annoying, but it could be worse. Vote for the least worse option as always.

Yipee the lesser of the evils, he|| of a way to have a government in parliment

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:01 am

Thanks guys - you found it for me!

G. I'm surprised you don't know it - you've either never been drunk or been to a wake! At least that seems like the two favourite occasions it was played in the (Irish) pub.

The link works fine. There are rock versions - The only version I know is the Irish folk one.

I was getting desperate. They've changed the pub into some yuppie haven now and done away with the jukebox.

Thanks again.

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:17 am

There are a lot of different songs called The River Is Wide!

This is it:

The river is wide, I can't get o'er

Nor do I have like wings to fly

Give me a boat that can carry two,

And both shall cross my love and I

Oh waly, waly, up the bank

And waly, waly down the braes,

And waly, waly by yon burnside

Where me and my love was wont to go

I leaned my back against an oak

Thinking it was a trusty tree,

But first it bent and then it broke,

And so did my love prove false to me

I put my hand in some soft bush

Thinking the sweetest flower to find

I pricked my finger to the bone

And left the sweetest flower behind

Oh, love is handsome, love is kind

Gay as a jewel when first it's new

But love grows old and waxes cold,

And fades away like morning dew

Now I have to buy a copy.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:40 am

ComfortablyNumb wrote: There are a lot of different songs called The River Is Wide!

This is it:

The river is wide, I can't get o'er

Nor do I have like wings to fly

Give me a boat that can carry two,

And both shall cross my love and I

Oh waly, waly, up the bank

And waly, waly down the braes,

And waly, waly by yon burnside

Where me and my love was wont to go

I leaned my back against an oak

Thinking it was a trusty tree,

But first it bent and then it broke,

And so did my love prove false to me

I put my hand in some soft bush

Thinking the sweetest flower to find

I pricked my finger to the bone

And left the sweetest flower behind

Oh, love is handsome, love is kind

Gay as a jewel when first it's new

But love grows old and waxes cold,

And fades away like morning dew

Now I have to buy a copy.

Oh no wonder I didn't know what it is, there are the last few verses of a song actually called "Carrickfergus", for some reason you don't seem to have the first verse, which goes something like ( I can't remember exactly)

I wish I was in Carrickfergus

Only 4 nights in Ballygrand

I would cross over the deepest ocean

The deepest ocean, my love to find.

THEN...

But the sea is wide etc. etc.

In other words you have been sold a pup, demand satisfaction from these charatans for making a bollix of a well-known Irish song.

ELF · Post by **ELF** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:41 am

Dear Doc Gal:

How can I get out from doing my chores at the North Pole, to spend more time here at FG?

ComfortablyNumb · Post by **ComfortablyNumb** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:53 am

That must be why I thought the lyrics weren't quite right then! Knew you had to know it - you're a genius.

I'll accept no modern substitutes, I want the REAL one!

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:30 am

ELF wrote: Dear Doc Gal:

How can I get out from doing my chores at the North Pole, to spend more time here at FG?

I will engineer a email from Condoleeza Rice demanding your attendance at a meeting of the U.S. Senate Committee on foreign relations in which you will give your account of alleged fly-overs of CIA planes carrying suspected terrorists who are being currently held in a reindeer barn in Lapland. Of course Santa, will not want to bar you from attending, since if he does the Bush administration may retailiate by imposing a no-sleigh-fly-zone over the continental U.S.A. on the night of Dec 24,-25th, 2005. They may also seek a court injuction demanding the extradition of Rudolph on charges of perverting the course of justice in the case of a recently decased chicken from Hong Kong. Don't worry, you will soon be posting with impunity.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Wed Dec 07, 2005 10:31 am

ComfortablyNumb wrote: That must be why I thought the lyrics weren't quite right then! Knew you had to know it - you're a genius.

I'll accept no modern substitutes, I want the REAL one!

Thank you, I hope you find the service adequate. As to your philosophy, accepting always and only the best is always a prudent option.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Dec 08, 2005 9:12 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally, I think young Elf is misinformed about the burning efficiency of manure. Am I in error?

Your devoted servant,

Snooze

I am not sure as to the calorific qualities, or energy density of coal as opposed to reindeer excretia, I shall perform some experiements to determine an adequate answer.

ELF · Post by **ELF** » Thu Dec 08, 2005 11:05 am

Maybe Santa left his hat down that chimney, he looses it once in awhile.......