funniest stuff I found online today

[LottomagicZ4941]

"Forgive your enemies--but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy

"We are brought into this world naked, wet, hungry and screaming. And from there it only gets worse." - Anon

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things." - Alan Coren

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." - George Bernard Shaw

"Good artists copy, great artists steal." Pablo Picasso

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

Beer's True Ingredients: (with Apologies to purists...)

Two men were in a pub.

One man said, ''Did you know that beer contains female hormones?''

The other man said, ''No! Is it true?'' ''Yes,'' said the first man.

''If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.''

Beauty ...

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful." -- Anon.

Play

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

Truth

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

If your father is a poor man , it's your fate....! But, if your father-in-law is a poor man.., it's your stupidity.....!

found on http://www.ryze.com/view.php?who=thebridgeacross

[Tombstone]

Thanks for posting these! I always love reading stuff like this.

[LottomagicZ4941]

Yea finding stuff like this is what makes me so addicted to the internet:)

As well as positive reignforcement from strangers and E-friends alike.

Here is a joke I found and then spent hours and hours to re-find.

I was searching the right site on several occasions but did not go back far enough in time.

The one time I don't put found on . . . .

Children

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preachers salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much,

we wear rubbers. found on http://www.cyclingforums.com/t90053-children.html

[LottomagicZ4941]

I did not do the hours and hours all at once.

Probably like 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. And probably less then a real hour. Just felt like hours and hours cuz it was really funny and I wanted to E-share it.

As for time I need to get some more sleep. Also my wrist is tender so I going to try and take a break from posting at least:)

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/ ... elcome-344

Magic

[LottomagicZ4941]

Found a groaner but it is short. And a hum I'll let you decide. Though long I found it quite halatious.

What do you call a

clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large.........

found on

http://www.gossipswap.com/showthread.ph ... 0#post7770

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.



Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Lotto

http://com4.runboard.com/blifetheuniver ... ainchat.t2

MagicZ4941A