Moral Compass...

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:12 pm

Hello...

I am writing to get some honest advice about a problem, or pattern in my life, that I cannot seem to resolve.

I'm in my late 20's, engaged to a man I love deeply, and am well-educated. My parents are wonderful, married for over 30 years, and I have a great family. (Just to give you some background.)

Anyway, here's my problem: So, I think of myself as a good person. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, I love animals, I can't even kill an insect. I am very compassionate towards others, and am usually only comfortable if those around me are too. I'm mostly an introvert, shy but very loving. Most people think of me as the "girl next door" kind of person.

But...there's this other side. This other side that comes out when I drink alcohol. For some reason, under the influence, I have this totally different personality. I am somewhat flirty, enjoy getting attention from men, and often put myself in situations that are morally dangerous. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble throughout my life. I have cheated in my relationships because of this--though without alcohol they never would have happened. I have never done anything with a man outside of a relationship sober. But, I allow myself to be in situations where cheating is likely. The next day I feel terrible and beat myself up endlessly...and yet it is still a pattern for me. I am not an alcoholic, nor do I consider myself to have a problem with alcohol. In fact, I very rarely drink at all unless I'm out with friends/coworkers in certain situations. I'm more of a home-body and don't really go out of my way to socialize.

I really and truly hate that I do this, and I wish I could just stop forever. Something just comes over me when I drink, that throws all caution to the wind. The logical way to stop is to avoid alcohol. That would make the most sense I think. However, it begs the question of why I do it in the first place, almost purposely putting myself in positions that are dangerous. I think on a very basic level, I enjoy the attention. I enjoy feeling beautiful, important, sexy....it's such a good feeling to me. Until of course I wake up the next day wondering what the hell happened.

I'm not saying I cheat regularly or that I have ongoing affairs with men outside of my relationship. That's not it at all. In fact, there has really only been one very big mess-up for which I may never forgive myself. But, since then I thought for sure I would stop this behavior of drinking and putting myself in situations where I end up alone with men. I have gotten better since the big mess up, and have not done anything like that since, even though the option has come up a few times. I just want to stop altogether. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship at all. I love my fiance more than anything. He is such a good and honest person who would NEVER do the things that I have done.

Why do I do this and why can't I stop? Though it's rare, it is a pattern. I need to find a way to break it. Is the only way to stop drinking altogether? I will do that if that's the case. I just wonder if it's something mental that I need to resolve or understand. I am insecure so maybe I just like getting that attention....

How do I stop?

Sorry this is random and stream of consciousness...I just need to break the cycle and find my moral compass. Please help if you can.

-Audrey :-5

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:57 pm

First off, welcome. You seem to need a 'big brother' approach, so imagine sitting on my smelly unmade bed while I respond.

AudreyRose;901822 wrote: *snip*

I just want to stop altogether. Good idea.

I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship at all. I love my fiance more than anything. Bull. If you loved him more than anything you'd love him enough not to put yourself in such situations.

Why do I do this and why can't I stop? Though it's rare, it is a pattern. I need to find a way to break it. Is the only way to stop drinking altogether? I will do that if that's the case. I don't believe you.

I just wonder if it's something mental that I need to resolve or understand. Maybe. Until then, I suggest you stop!

I am insecure so maybe I just like getting that attention....

mrsK · Post by **mrsK** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:01 pm

Don't drink alcohol at all,you say you only drink socially so it will be easy for you not to drink when you go out.

Stick to coke or water.:-6

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:07 pm

Hellava introduction, where's Jimbo or Yzgi they are experts with this sort of thing

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:08 pm

Good call. I think that is the answer too.

I had all but stopped since the big mistake I mentioned...but this last time I was out with coworkers, thinking it was "safe." Bad move.

Here's to diet coke and water!!!!!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:09 pm

AudreyRose;901881 wrote: Good call. I think that is the answer too.

I had all but stopped since the big mistake I mentioned...but this last time I was out with coworkers, thinking it was "safe." Bad move.

Here's to diet coke and water!!!!!
*kisses her forehead*

You'll be fine. Now get out of my room.

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:14 pm

Accountable;901882 wrote: *kisses her forehead*

You'll be fine. Now get out of my room.

LOL....ok! Not sure why your bed is so smelly, but glad to leave.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:23 pm

Well Audry...

If you want my opinion I'll give it to you...

First off you're thinking that the drinking is the primary reason for this you're just fooling yourself...The drinking acts as a way to make it not seem as guilt ridden for yourself...

If I were to guess I would say that you married very young without having the chance to truly experience life...

The best advice I could give you is to really sit down and ask yourself if the life you lead is truly what you want...If it's not and you keep going on in your life knowing you're capable of wanting to be somewhere else you're going to wake up one day in your mid 30's when your sense of real identity can't go any further from your not being completely honest with yourself and you're going to start feeling like you've missed out on your life...Being completely honest with him is what he deserves...

Everyone makes mistakes...Not everyone can admit to them and correct them...

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:33 pm

Alcohol is a bit of a bugger, it strips us of our inhibitions, seems to me like you need more self control and less alchohol!

Maybe you feel a little insecure and need the feeling of guys finding you attractive, maybe you should look at your relationship.

It could be that you need to prove to yourself that you are attractive to other guys now that you are about to be tied down.

On the other hand maybe I talk a lot of crap! :-2

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:35 pm

Sorry...

You're soon to be married...

Yes I would comply with that in which Abbey has expressed...

Still emphasizing on you to really be honest with yourself...

We all only have one life...Not being truthful with yourself will only hurt you in the long run...

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:36 pm

K. Snyder,

I think there's a lot of truth to what you are saying. The thing is, I have had many experiences in life, have dated many men, have done the wild college thing, etc. but have truly found a man I want to spend my life with. That is the god's honest truth. I think you're right that it's not the alcohol, which is why I think I will set up a few sessions with a counselor and see if I can't get to the bottom of it.

I think it has to do with insecurity, and needs. I know my fiance loves me, finds me attractive, and respects me. He doesn't, however, tell me regularly. I guess having someone tell me just feels really good sometimes...and it's easy to get swept up in the moment when someone is telling you the things you want to hear. I just need to find a way to get that at home I guess.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:42 pm

AudreyRose;901897 wrote: K. Snyder,

I think there's a lot of truth to what you are saying. The thing is, I have had many experiences in life, have dated many men, have done the wild college thing, etc. but have truly found a man I want to spend my life with. That is the god's honest truth. I think you're right that it's not the alcohol, which is why I think I will set up a few sessions with a counselor and see if I can't get to the bottom of it.

I think it has to do with insecurity, and needs. I know my fiance loves me, finds me attractive, and respects me. He doesn't, however, tell me regularly. I guess having someone tell me just feels really good sometimes...and it's easy to get swept up in the moment when someone is telling you the things you want to hear. I just need to find a way to get that at home I guess.

Well I think you need to spend more time experiencing single life before you jump into a marriage from all in which you've said...

Sweetheart listen to me very carefully...There is plenty of time to get married...But if there's going to be any advice I want you to take from me it's that you get married on your own terms and when you're absolutely sure...You have plenty of time to get married...Just be honest...I don't need to pull up the statistics for failed marriages and the headaches that ensue...

Trust me don't feel obligated to do anything...

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:52 pm

First Welcome to the Garden. :-6

Second great advice here take it.

Third I would say your not ready to get married, or be married.

Fourth work on the drinking problem.

Fifth if necessary seek help.

You sound like a smart cookie to me and I think you know exactly what to do.

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:55 pm

Thanks Carla....it has been great advice so far.

Joe · Post by **Joe** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:34 pm

Hello there.

Might it be that you feel your life is somewhat dull? Maybe you drink to lower inhibitions, then feel able do do stuff you wouldn't do normally, which brings some excitement into it? But then when sobriety returns you question the value of that excitement.

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 5:41 pm

Joe;901914 wrote: Hello there.

Might it be that you feel your life is somewhat dull? Maybe you drink to lower inhibitions, then feel able do do stuff you wouldn't do normally, which brings some excitement into it? But then when sobriety returns you question the value of that excitement.

Sounds about right...good observation. I should mention too that my fiance is overseas for 6 months and has been gone since the end of March. I could just be lonely.

AudreyRose · Post by **AudreyRose** » Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:16 pm

Great advice, thank you Jester!!!!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:51 pm

Im with Carla. You are deliberately drinking. I dont think you have a drinking problem. Alcohol is your ticket to do exactly what you want to do.

We all should do what we want to without needing something to blame our choices on. You certainly, deep down inside know that you do not want to be married. Your mentioning your parents 30 year marriage was very telling for me. Are you trying to emulate what they have had? Or are you expected to do so? You have some wild oats to sow. Some good times to be had, and a chance to meet more men. and be certain who you really want.... if anyone. Which, by the way, is a very viable option also.