Curfew for a 17 yr old

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:03 pm

I am on my third teenage son. The last two weeks since school has been out I have had a number of confrontations with my son about his curfew. We have it set for 12:30 on week nights and 1:30 on weekends. Some of our rules are.

1. Absolutely no lieing about whereabouts.

If we don't know exact location of him and his truck it is automatic grounding ( truck goes, gas card goes)

2. No drinking and no drugs

We understand that some teenagers do these things at parties and such, he actually has been driving others home who have been drinking and he wont allow them to drive. We approve of this particular action even though it bothers us that drinking is going on where he is.

As the thread progresses I will probably come up with other rules I have.

He has never been whipped or hit in his childhood.

He curently has a 3.5 grade point average and is a State champion wrestler as well as winning 2 natitional championships in wrestling this year.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:11 pm

What are the confrontations about, the time he is expected in?

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:13 pm

chonsigirl;880219 wrote: What are the confrontations about, the time he is expected in?
Yes, he will call just before curfew and want to stay or tell us he is driving home others or just wants to stay and why are we so mean?

Gee dad I'm not drinking or doing drugs whats the problem? etc. etc.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:21 pm

I would tell him curfew is set, the time is not for discussion this evening, and that you will see him soon when he comes in. Passenger unloading comes within the curfew time set, if that is the reason he gives for extending it, tell him to start with that chore early enough to get home on time.

I guess I did not have a problem with this one when my children were teenagers, they came home on time or didn't drive the next time. They just never tried me on it. Most of the kids hung out at my house, and still do.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:24 pm

YZGI

we tried that - calling our parents when we're suppose to be home in 20 minutes.

IT was always NO - curfew was curfew. We tried this calling tick once - we learned not to call Mom at midnight..!!

If we didn't follow rules - curfew - then the next time we wanted to do a activity it'll be NO - can't go...

Summary: curfew is better than not going to the activity..

Patsy

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:25 pm

chonsigirl;880224 wrote: I would tell him curfew is set, the time is not for discussion this evening, and that you will see him soon when he comes in. Passenger unloading comes within the curfew time set, if that is the reason he gives for extending it, tell him to start with that chore early enough to get home on time.

I guess I did not have a problem with this one when my children were teenagers, they came home on time or didn't drive the next time. They just never tried me on it. Most of the kids hung out at my house, and still do.
With my two older ones they and their friends mostly hung at my house also, I never had much of a problem. I must be too restrictive for my current teens friends? I say the same things to him then when he gets home I am up discussing this for an hour or more ( I lose even more sleep):wah:

We don't yell at each other, I just try to explain my position and he just decides not to understand.

Aint it fun?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:29 pm

I wouldn't stay up discussing it the same night with him, it is too late. Tell him you will see him in the morning and tell him at what time the subject will-or not-be under discussion.

Patsy-that is a good reply. I would never have called my mom at midnight, unless it was an emergency. And it better be a good one too..............

kayleneaussie · Post by **kayleneaussie** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:31 pm

My son is 20 now and while at school he wasnt allowed out on a week day night but he could have friends over until 10pm. He was allowed out one night during the weekend but home at mid night.

When he turned 18 and was working his curfews were lifted but he mainly hangs at home with his friends or if he does go out he usually lets us know what time he will be home and rings if he is going to be later so we dont worry.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:33 pm

mine are too young for me to comment on todays rules but you sound extremely fair and one cool dude...Lucky kids I say. Everyone has given great advice..

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:35 pm

rjwould;880230 wrote: Sounds like a good kid.

What about his older siblings, are they supportive of you and your insistence in the matter of the curfew when they speak to him? Are the other two male or female?

I have 3 sons, 27, 24, and 17. The oldest was a straight arrow and supports completely the middle son is a bit of a partier and probably doesn't.

I think your rules are very fair. I just recently let my 19 year old go from 11Pm to midnight.

What is there to do past midnight anyway? Nothing as far as I can tell. Even though your son seems responsible, why not simply take away the truck if he doesn't come home on time?
Heck Rj, I'm sure you remember the days. Just haning out I reckon.

He does come home on time he just wants to question it constantly. I have implemented a new plan today. He will now be working more hours at his summer job ( he didn't want any part in working for me, to hard and dirty I reckon):wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:41 pm

Chezzie;880235 wrote: mine are too young for me to comment on todays rules but you sound extremely fair and one cool dude...Lucky kids I say. Everyone has given great advice..
He actually has just recently negotiated these new curfews.:wah: ( the kid wore me down)

I'm hoping the extra working hours at his summer job wear him out more. Also when he negotiated his new curfew he had to take on more responsibilities at home to get these i.e. ( Lawn and house work)

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:42 pm

rjwould;880240 wrote: I do and I know how fortunate I am to still be around.

If it were me I would just insist that if he didn't come on time, he loses the trunk for a time except for work if its too far to walk or pedal. I would also inform him that every phone call I receive asking for more time, reduces his curfew by 1/2 hour.

Thats the next one I will use.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:50 pm

rjwould;880244 wrote: Good luck! You seem to be a fair minded parent. Your son is in good hands, and will undoubtedly learn valuable lessons by your willingness to negotiate and reason.
Thanks RJ and everyone else who reponded. Sometimes its hard to know exactly what to do. We want to keep our kids as friends and we want to keep them safe but first we have to be parents and just hope we do it right and both the kid and the parents come out of it sane and safe.:-6

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:53 pm

YZGI

He's trying to wear you down - that's why he calls & pleads .

Go with the curfew , which your lenient with, especially for a school night.

Keep him busy - part-time job - volunteer, great for the RESUME..

Patsy

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:57 pm

Patsy Warnick;880252 wrote: YZGI

He's trying to wear you down - that's why he calls & pleads .

Go with the curfew , which your lenient with, especially for a school night.

Keep him busy - part-time job - volunteer, great for the RESUME..

Patsy
Thanks Patsy, I think his mom and I have been less strict with him because he is the youngest. It is starting to bite us in the butt so now we need to buckle down for a bit to get back into control so to speak.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 3:35 pm

YZ

God - I hate that (I'm laughing) hate that youngest kid thing - they always have it easier - always - and you probably promised yourself you wouldn't do it ???

Chrons

We'd be killed if we called my Mom - my older sister's taught me that ..

Don't make noise on Sat. morning either - wake her - your dead..:wah:

makes me laugh

It's nice that parents NOW want a call from their kids - we were so intimidated by our parents - we could never interrupt

and they didn't want to hear from us. 6 kids in my family - they were happy to get rid of some of us...:wah:

YZ - your doing right - nice, good kid sounds to me

but, does he approach you more than MOM ?? alright then..:wah:

Patsy

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:46 pm

Isn't he still considered under age in most state and realistically can't be out past midnight in most cities. It has been a long time since I had to monitor teenagers but until you 18 you have to been in by midnight, I think. :p

QUINNSCOMMENTARY · Post by **QUINNSCOMMENTARY** » Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:57 pm

YZGI;880213 wrote: I am on my third teenage son. The last two weeks since school has been out I have had a number of confrontations with my son about his curfew. We have it set for 12:30 on week nights and 1:30 on weekends. Some of our rules are.

1. Absolutely no lieing about whereabouts.

If we don't know exact location of him and his truck it is automatic grounding ( truck goes, gas card goes)

2. No drinking and no drugs

We understand that some teenagers do these things at parties and such, he actually has been driving others home who have been drinking and he wont allow them to drive. We approve of this particular action even though it bothers us that drinking is going on where he is.

As the thread progresses I will probably come up with other rules I have.

He has never been whipped or hit in his childhood.

He curently has a 3.5 grade point average and is a State champion wrestler as well as winning 2 natitional championships in wrestling this year.

Things have surely changed, the youngest of my three sons is now 33 and none of them were allowed to be out at 1:30 in the morning weekend or not, and there was no rule about telling the truth it was simply assumed. None of them had their own car, but they got to share the old 1972 Duster and were glad to have it. I remember a few "discussions" about the time they would be home, but nothing major.

Of course I am talking nearly 20 years ago and I suspect things have really changed and raising children is more of a challenge today, but don't you wonder why?

suzy_creamcheese · Post by **suzy_creamcheese** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:22 am

Jester thats a great reply.

I find it hard to imagine treating a 17 year old like theyre still a child.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:10 am

Jester;880367 wrote: WZ,

I'm a father of three my first born son is the exact same age as yours, he is driving, has a work truck, runs his own jobs, he is done with highschool but tecnically wont graduate till next week. He turns 18 in mid june. He has been attending a jr. College for the last 6 months, he has excellent grades and has two orginizations he volunteers in, one of them is a fire fighter program by the city we live close to.

He does not have a curfew, he has keys to the house and one guideline, if hes going to be out past his mothers bedtime please call and let us know an estimated time he will return, I ask him to do this out of courtesy.

My personal belief is that in the situation we are in we need to appeal to the big fellas and say look, here's the deal, we raised you to love us and be courteous, were asking you to make these calls, your a big boy now, your practically on your own, its time now for us to relax the 'rules' and be your line of counsel and not your boss anymore. We hope you take our advice and not just do whatever you want to do.

I have told my son that he is welcome in our home, and its his home, but its time now for us to expect to see all hes been taught up to now. Put the keys to his actions in his hands and let him drive. It's time now to sit back a bit, let the hard knocks of life punch I'm around a bit and let him make some mistakes to learn from.

In my experience if you give a well rasied boy who learned the rules and more importantly why the rules were there in the first place, some room and actually expect he should live up to them he will.

The hard part if I may be so bold, is to let him make some mistakes, let them kick him in th head a few times, he'll learn. I absolutely love it when my son comes to me for advice now... (his mother is sitll learning to let go)... but my boy will come to me, in fact he calls my cell and makes an appointment, we go get coffee and I hear his problems and he asks me for my advice. Most of the time just letting him review it the solution comes to him, he's had it all along, he just needed to sort it out in front of someone who used to be his direct authority, he knows we love him and wont steer him wrong, so hes used to our perspective and accepts it.

Now I gave my boy a spankin or two in his lifetime, when he was very young, since he was 4-5 I cant recall giving him a spankin after that, but I also never had to raise my voice to him either.

Im of the opinon that a 17-18 year old kid is primarily raised, by that age he has to start spreading his wings and testing flight. You ought to thank the lord you dont have the opposite problem, and have a free loader on your hands! Your boy sounds like a go getter.

You've done well for him.

Good ponts Jester, maybe I'm looking at it wrong. You made me think that maybe we are trying to keep him young instead of letting him grow. It's been 7 years since we were in this position with the last son and now that I try to think back this is about the time we let him have his reins a bit more and watched him make his mistakes and then we dealt with them as the situation needed. Thanks everyone, some very good food for thought.:-6

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:15 am

QUINNSCOMMENTARY;880315 wrote: Things have surely changed, the youngest of my three sons is now 33 and none of them were allowed to be out at 1:30 in the morning weekend or not, and there was no rule about telling the truth it was simply assumed. None of them had their own car, but they got to share the old 1972 Duster and were glad to have it. I remember a few "discussions" about the time they would be home, but nothing major.

Of course I am talking nearly 20 years ago and I suspect things have really changed and raising children is more of a challenge today, but don't you wonder why?
He is the last one Quinn, I suppose I could adopt so he had someone to share his truck with. By the way it is a 91 chevy 1/2 ton pickup, Not a beemer.:wah:

I doubt it has changed a whole lot around my neck of the woods, We live in a small town outside of Wichita Ks. I would hate to raise a kid in NY or LA.:wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:20 am

Patsy Warnick;880268 wrote: YZ

God - I hate that (I'm laughing) hate that youngest kid thing - they always have it easier - always - and you probably promised yourself you wouldn't do it ???

Chrons

We'd be killed if we called my Mom - my older sister's taught me that ..

Don't make noise on Sat. morning either - wake her - your dead..:wah:

makes me laugh

It's nice that parents NOW want a call from their kids - we were so intimidated by our parents - we could never interrupt

and they didn't want to hear from us. 6 kids in my family - they were happy to get rid of some of us...:wah:

YZ - your doing right - nice, good kid sounds to me

but, does he approach you more than MOM ?? alright then..:wah:

Patsy
No, he aproaches Mom more often. Up until a few weeks ago he said I was hard to talk to. We have since had a few long conversations about it and it seems we are more able to discuss things lately. The strange thing is, he is constantly with me either on the boat fishing or golfing to playing cards with our other sons but when it came to asking to do something or go somewhere it was a whisper in the kitchen to Mom. I could never figure that one out.:-6

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:03 am

great post Jester! :-6

I'll probably do what my mother did with me. I never had a set curfew, as long as I told her where I was going and when I expected to be back. This was all within reason of course, I was a good kid. :p

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:12 am

sunny104;880660 wrote: great post Jester! :-6

I'll probably do what my mother did with me. I never had a set curfew, as long as I told her where I was going and when I expected to be back. This was all within reason of course, I was a good kid. :p

So, when did it all go bad.?:wah:

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:14 am

You all seem to be great parents and BRAVO. I guess its different here in San Diego but unless you have a job that is swing shift or grave yard and carry proof if your under 18 you can't be on the streets after midnight. If your stopped you will be taken in, so its different depending on where you live.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:18 am

CARLA;880684 wrote: You all seem to be great parents and BRAVO. I guess its different here in San Diego but unless you have a job that is swing shift or grave yard and carry proof if your under 18 you can't be on the streets after midnight. If your stopped you will be taken in, so its different depending on where you live.
There is a curfew for under 18 here also but is only enforced when there is a problem.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:23 am

rjwould;880690 wrote: I think theres one here too, but I've never run into it.
Um, you are over 18 right?:wah:

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:24 am

YZGI;880680 wrote: So, when did it all go bad.?:wah:

:p :wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:13 am

jimbo;880751 wrote: hey brad just tell the 17 year old they are not allowed in BEFORE 10 PM as you have friends coming over and they must make themself scarce till then bingo they will be back at 9 pm :wah::wah:
:wah: I'll just tell them mom and me wanna have sex till 3 am so don't come home till after.:wah:

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:19 am

rjwould;880767 wrote: NO! Thats what you say when you want them to move out.:-5
Finally an answer I can use.:wah: