Hi everyone, I have been having a few issues in my life, so have not been around much of late. But I did something a bit silly on the weekend and could really use your advice.
My husband and I recently split up. I feel like I must have been living in some sort of dream land, as I had no idea it was coming. Of course that's not to say that I didn't realise we had a few troubles, but I didn't think they were a huge deal and certainly not unresolveable. But he obviously did, and he moved out a bit over 3 months ago.
One of the issues was a past infidelity on his behalf... something I had no knowledge of until he actually moved out. Things between us are going nowhere - he has hardly spoken to me since he moved out, and any contact has been initiated by me - and seems to be a big effort. So a little while ago I decided to make the only decision I could and move on with my life. After some initial ups and downs, this is a decision which I have become content with, and have started making positive steps to get on with life. Just maybe a little too much....
Over the weekend I was at a function, drank way too much, and ended up going home with someone. I guess I'm having mixed emotions about it. I guess it's probably the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, so maybe that's what has gotten me thinking so much about it. Though I don't feel guilty, but almost wonder if I should. What do you think? Am I just as bad as him? Otherwise, when is it ok to move on?
Am I as bad as him?
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PurpleChicken
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:45 am
Am I as bad as him?
I don't think it will help to see who is worse. It seems that he has ended the marriage at least emotionally if nothing else, he has withdrawn from you physically and mentally.
You are still grieving the loss of your marriage and by spending the night with someone else you feel that you have betrayed him. You haven't really, but I don't think you have come to terms with the end of the marriage. 3 months is not long enough for you to accept it and moving on will take you longer.
Please bear in mind that we all do things that in hindsight we wouldn't have done. There is no shame or blame in your actions.
You are still grieving the loss of your marriage and by spending the night with someone else you feel that you have betrayed him. You haven't really, but I don't think you have come to terms with the end of the marriage. 3 months is not long enough for you to accept it and moving on will take you longer.
Please bear in mind that we all do things that in hindsight we wouldn't have done. There is no shame or blame in your actions.
Originally Posted by spot
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
Am I as bad as him?
PurpleChicken;822576 wrote: Hi everyone, I have been having a few issues in my life, so have not been around much of late. But I did something a bit silly on the weekend and could really use your advice.
My husband and I recently split up. I feel like I must have been living in some sort of dream land, as I had no idea it was coming. Of course that's not to say that I didn't realise we had a few troubles, but I didn't think they were a huge deal and certainly not unresolveable. But he obviously did, and he moved out a bit over 3 months ago.
One of the issues was a past infidelity on his behalf... something I had no knowledge of until he actually moved out. Things between us are going nowhere - he has hardly spoken to me since he moved out, and any contact has been initiated by me - and seems to be a big effort. So a little while ago I decided to make the only decision I could and move on with my life. After some initial ups and downs, this is a decision which I have become content with, and have started making positive steps to get on with life. Just maybe a little too much....
Over the weekend I was at a function, drank way too much, and ended up going home with someone. I guess I'm having mixed emotions about it. I guess it's probably the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, so maybe that's what has gotten me thinking so much about it. Though I don't feel guilty, but almost wonder if I should. What do you think? Am I just as bad as him? Otherwise, when is it ok to move on?
oh sweetheart, i'm so sorry, i know exactly how you feel, i never saw my breakup coming either, i knew he had become distant all of a sudden, but i didn't know why until he just up and left one day. Then i find out he left to be with another woman! only those of us who have experienced it know the pain and confusion of what i'm talking about. We had been together so long i couldn't understand how he could betray me in such a way,
You are not just as bad as him. It's your choice as to when you decide to go on with your life! If you think there is some hope for reuniting with your husband then by all means see if you can work it out, 3 months is not much time and everything is still new, but if it doesn't work out, don't let it pull you down, go on with you life.
i haven't moved on with my life because we have a 20-month old little boy, my baby has become my life. I will always have some contact with his daddy because i want him to be part of his son's life. A boy needs his father. so for right now i'm content to just be a mom, and see what the future brings.
i wish the best for you, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you because believe me i know what you're feeling!:-4
My husband and I recently split up. I feel like I must have been living in some sort of dream land, as I had no idea it was coming. Of course that's not to say that I didn't realise we had a few troubles, but I didn't think they were a huge deal and certainly not unresolveable. But he obviously did, and he moved out a bit over 3 months ago.
One of the issues was a past infidelity on his behalf... something I had no knowledge of until he actually moved out. Things between us are going nowhere - he has hardly spoken to me since he moved out, and any contact has been initiated by me - and seems to be a big effort. So a little while ago I decided to make the only decision I could and move on with my life. After some initial ups and downs, this is a decision which I have become content with, and have started making positive steps to get on with life. Just maybe a little too much....
Over the weekend I was at a function, drank way too much, and ended up going home with someone. I guess I'm having mixed emotions about it. I guess it's probably the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, so maybe that's what has gotten me thinking so much about it. Though I don't feel guilty, but almost wonder if I should. What do you think? Am I just as bad as him? Otherwise, when is it ok to move on?
oh sweetheart, i'm so sorry, i know exactly how you feel, i never saw my breakup coming either, i knew he had become distant all of a sudden, but i didn't know why until he just up and left one day. Then i find out he left to be with another woman! only those of us who have experienced it know the pain and confusion of what i'm talking about. We had been together so long i couldn't understand how he could betray me in such a way,
You are not just as bad as him. It's your choice as to when you decide to go on with your life! If you think there is some hope for reuniting with your husband then by all means see if you can work it out, 3 months is not much time and everything is still new, but if it doesn't work out, don't let it pull you down, go on with you life.
i haven't moved on with my life because we have a 20-month old little boy, my baby has become my life. I will always have some contact with his daddy because i want him to be part of his son's life. A boy needs his father. so for right now i'm content to just be a mom, and see what the future brings.
i wish the best for you, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you because believe me i know what you're feeling!:-4
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PurpleChicken
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:45 am
Am I as bad as him?
You're right about it not helping to work out who is worse. Don't think that was really what I was thinking. Probably more that I guess that I have made a fairly strong decision that I would not take him back on the basis of his actions but in the course of a night, I have pretty much done the same thing (though it wasn't just the infidelity, but there were a few other nasty little behaviours). Mind you, I wouldn't have even thought it if he was still living here, or if I thought there was any chance of resolution, so I guess maybe that's the difference.
Imladris;822581 wrote: Please bear in mind that we all do things that in hindsight we wouldn't have done. There is no shame or blame in your actions.
Thanks Imladris - that gives me a bit of perspective.
Imladris;822581 wrote: Please bear in mind that we all do things that in hindsight we wouldn't have done. There is no shame or blame in your actions.
Thanks Imladris - that gives me a bit of perspective.
Am I as bad as him?
If it's over then you are free to do what you want to do. We all make mistakes in our lives but there is no point in driving yourself crazy about something that you can't change so just use it as a lesson and keep getting on with your life. Best of luck to you. 
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PurpleChicken
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:45 am
Am I as bad as him?
Hope6;822588 wrote: oh sweetheart, i'm so sorry, i know exactly how you feel, i never saw my breakup coming either, i knew he had become distant all of a sudden, but i didn't know why until he just up and left one day. Then i find out he left to be with another woman! only those of us who have experienced it know the pain and confusion of what i'm talking about. We had been together so long i couldn't understand how he could betray me in such a way,
You are not just as bad as him. It's your choice as to when you decide to go on with your life! If you think there is some hope for reuniting with your husband then by all means see if you can work it out, 3 months is not much time and everything is still new, but if it doesn't work out, don't let it pull you down, go on with you life.
i haven't moved on with my life because we have a 20-month old little boy, my baby has become my life. I will always have some contact with his daddy because i want him to be part of his son's life. A boy needs his father. so for right now i'm content to just be a mom, and see what the future brings.
i wish the best for you, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you because believe me i know what you're feeling!:-4
Thanks Hope. As I'm sure you know, we go through these periods of self doubt. To an extent I realise that my actions on the weekend were a lot to do with me needing to feel loved and maybe even had an element of revenge. Certainly not the most healthy of reasons - but it does feel like it was something I needed, maybe to confirm my desire to move on with life. I guess in a way, I'm a little confused that I don't feel guilty and wondering if maybe, somewhere deep down, I had known it was over long before he left.
You are not just as bad as him. It's your choice as to when you decide to go on with your life! If you think there is some hope for reuniting with your husband then by all means see if you can work it out, 3 months is not much time and everything is still new, but if it doesn't work out, don't let it pull you down, go on with you life.
i haven't moved on with my life because we have a 20-month old little boy, my baby has become my life. I will always have some contact with his daddy because i want him to be part of his son's life. A boy needs his father. so for right now i'm content to just be a mom, and see what the future brings.
i wish the best for you, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you because believe me i know what you're feeling!:-4
Thanks Hope. As I'm sure you know, we go through these periods of self doubt. To an extent I realise that my actions on the weekend were a lot to do with me needing to feel loved and maybe even had an element of revenge. Certainly not the most healthy of reasons - but it does feel like it was something I needed, maybe to confirm my desire to move on with life. I guess in a way, I'm a little confused that I don't feel guilty and wondering if maybe, somewhere deep down, I had known it was over long before he left.
Am I as bad as him?
I think that it could have been the best thing that you could have done. It is the beginning of your recovery; I hope that you had a great time.
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
Am I as bad as him?
mikeinie;822665 wrote: I think that it could have been the best thing that you could have done. It is the beginning of your recovery; I hope that you had a great time.
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
:wah:
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
:wah:
Am I as bad as him?
you don't feel guilty because you have no reason to feel guilty. You've taken the first steps in moving on with your life and that is a good thing! :-6
Am I as bad as him?
I've always found that a year is a significant time after a break up. Any other relationship that a person tries is just a rebound until a year passes. Sometimes the marriage was over long before it officially ends, in which case people think they are prepared for a new one but there are still emotional issues that occur over that first year.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable. One of the best scenarios I've been involved in was myself and a friend who was also going through a breakup deciding to date each other so neither of us would do anything stupid.
Of course that's just my advice, based on my own experiences. Everyone is different and, in matters of the heart, people pretty much do whatever their heart tells them.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable. One of the best scenarios I've been involved in was myself and a friend who was also going through a breakup deciding to date each other so neither of us would do anything stupid.
Of course that's just my advice, based on my own experiences. Everyone is different and, in matters of the heart, people pretty much do whatever their heart tells them.
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jones jones
- Posts: 6601
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2008 7:30 am
Am I as bad as him?
your a young woman in the prime of your life ... going into hibernation and/or being celibate is just gonna make the dude who walked out on you snigger and rub his hands together .... you can bet your sweet ass he ain't sitting home and thinkin' about you honey!
Jj :-4
Jj :-4
"…I hate how I don’t feel real enough unless people are watching." — Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
Am I as bad as him?
koan;822782 wrote: I've always found that a year is a significant time after a break up. Any other relationship that a person tries is just a rebound until a year passes. Sometimes the marriage was over long before it officially ends, in which case people think they are prepared for a new one but there are still emotional issues that occur over that first year.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable. One of the best scenarios I've been involved in was myself and a friend who was also going through a breakup deciding to date each other so neither of us would do anything stupid.
Of course that's just my advice, based on my own experiences. Everyone is different and, in matters of the heart, people pretty much do whatever their heart tells them.
That's the same as after a bereavement, the advice is to make no major decisions until after a year and a day, get all anniversaries and special days over once. An end of a marriage is a bereavement of sorts.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable. One of the best scenarios I've been involved in was myself and a friend who was also going through a breakup deciding to date each other so neither of us would do anything stupid.
Of course that's just my advice, based on my own experiences. Everyone is different and, in matters of the heart, people pretty much do whatever their heart tells them.
That's the same as after a bereavement, the advice is to make no major decisions until after a year and a day, get all anniversaries and special days over once. An end of a marriage is a bereavement of sorts.
Originally Posted by spot
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
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along-for-the-ride
- Posts: 11732
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:28 pm
Am I as bad as him?
Good advice above.
I understand your need to be loved again, but go slow and be particular. Take care of yourself now. This is "your" life now...........not "our" life anymore. I feel your pain, been there myself. It's better to be alone and happy with yourself, than with somebody and be miserable.
I understand your need to be loved again, but go slow and be particular. Take care of yourself now. This is "your" life now...........not "our" life anymore. I feel your pain, been there myself. It's better to be alone and happy with yourself, than with somebody and be miserable.
Life is a Highway. Let's share the Commute.
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WonderWendy3
- Posts: 12412
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:44 am
Am I as bad as him?
mikeinie;822665 wrote: I think that it could have been the best thing that you could have done. It is the beginning of your recovery; I hope that you had a great time.
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
:wah::wah: My kind of man right there!
Seriously, I have been where you are and I understand completely how you feel. You shouldn't feel guilty, yet I sense that you are concerned about what he may think, which I can completely understand as well....but this isn't fair to YOU...you have spent how-ever many years being concerned about what he thinks, that you are still doing it...and that, imo, is very normal....I know I did it for much longer than I should have.
As others have said already, have fun...just be careful, there are a lot of people that will take advantage of your vulnerability....It took me a good solid 2 years to heal from a 15 year marriage...it has been 5 and even though I struggle with other issues, I am thankful that he walked out....because of him walking out, I found someone absolutely amazingly awesome.....ME!! And you need this time to be comfortable with you and have fun being YOU again.
:-4
The next time don’t let alcohol be a motivator, just go out, get some young stud and bang his brains out.
The more alive and free you feel, and your ex sees it, the more he will start wondering if he made a mistake.
Remember, he left you¦ you owe nothing.
:wah::wah: My kind of man right there!
Seriously, I have been where you are and I understand completely how you feel. You shouldn't feel guilty, yet I sense that you are concerned about what he may think, which I can completely understand as well....but this isn't fair to YOU...you have spent how-ever many years being concerned about what he thinks, that you are still doing it...and that, imo, is very normal....I know I did it for much longer than I should have.
As others have said already, have fun...just be careful, there are a lot of people that will take advantage of your vulnerability....It took me a good solid 2 years to heal from a 15 year marriage...it has been 5 and even though I struggle with other issues, I am thankful that he walked out....because of him walking out, I found someone absolutely amazingly awesome.....ME!! And you need this time to be comfortable with you and have fun being YOU again.
:-4
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PurpleChicken
- Posts: 750
- Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2005 6:45 am
Am I as bad as him?
Thanks for all of your great advice. In particular, I think the 1yr + 1day advice is very good - not that I will be hibernating until then, just not making major decisions or getting into anything too serious.
I was certainly in the same space wrt a relationship, and I don't think I am really ready for anything yet. Guess that is going to be a bit hard, as the guy was a friend, and we are yet to have that 'what next' conversation. But I have been contemplating that, and I guess I'm in a space where I actually think it probably was/is a bit of a start in moving on. But he does need to know that I'm not really in a space for anything much at the moment and I guess then we have to work out how we both deal with that.
I am seeing a counsellor, to help me learn and grow from this experience and help me in my future relationships. As you say WW, I need to be comfortable and confident with me again before I really let anyone else in.
I was certainly in the same space wrt a relationship, and I don't think I am really ready for anything yet. Guess that is going to be a bit hard, as the guy was a friend, and we are yet to have that 'what next' conversation. But I have been contemplating that, and I guess I'm in a space where I actually think it probably was/is a bit of a start in moving on. But he does need to know that I'm not really in a space for anything much at the moment and I guess then we have to work out how we both deal with that.
I am seeing a counsellor, to help me learn and grow from this experience and help me in my future relationships. As you say WW, I need to be comfortable and confident with me again before I really let anyone else in.
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WonderWendy3
- Posts: 12412
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:44 am
Am I as bad as him?
PurpleChicken;823237 wrote: Thanks for all of your great advice. In particular, I think the 1yr + 1day advice is very good - not that I will be hibernating until then, just not making major decisions or getting into anything too serious.
I was certainly in the same space wrt a relationship, and I don't think I am really ready for anything yet. Guess that is going to be a bit hard, as the guy was a friend, and we are yet to have that 'what next' conversation. But I have been contemplating that, and I guess I'm in a space where I actually think it probably was/is a bit of a start in moving on. But he does need to know that I'm not really in a space for anything much at the moment and I guess then we have to work out how we both deal with that.
I am seeing a counsellor, to help me learn and grow from this experience and help me in my future relationships. As you say WW, I need to be comfortable and confident with me again before I really let anyone else in.
Good for you, I hope only happiness for you and your future:-4:-4
I was certainly in the same space wrt a relationship, and I don't think I am really ready for anything yet. Guess that is going to be a bit hard, as the guy was a friend, and we are yet to have that 'what next' conversation. But I have been contemplating that, and I guess I'm in a space where I actually think it probably was/is a bit of a start in moving on. But he does need to know that I'm not really in a space for anything much at the moment and I guess then we have to work out how we both deal with that.
I am seeing a counsellor, to help me learn and grow from this experience and help me in my future relationships. As you say WW, I need to be comfortable and confident with me again before I really let anyone else in.
Good for you, I hope only happiness for you and your future:-4:-4
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sleepingbeauty
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:40 am
Am I as bad as him?
I think that he was a coward for not telling you about the infidelity till he moved out. Totally not cool. I say, you two are already split up, so move on and let him be. You deserve better.
Am I as bad as him?
I've always found that a year is a significant time after a break up. Any other relationship that a person tries is just a rebound until a year passes. Sometimes the marriage was over long before it officially ends, in which case people think they are prepared for a new one but there are still emotional issues that occur over that first year.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable.
I don't see any benefit to hibernating and waiting to see if he comes back. That would just put off your year of recovery. At the same time, use caution in your choice of new mates. You're vulnerable.
I AM AWESOME MAN
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LadyLiadrin
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Tue May 13, 2008 8:59 am
Am I as bad as him?
Nomad;848135 wrote: I've always found that a year is a significant time after a break up. Any other relationship that a person tries is just a rebound until a year passes.
Yes and no. It's extremely hard to generalize because relationships end differently for different people, with more issues for some than for others, and different people recover differently. It's not fair to set up a certain time period (however reasonable it may seem) and expect it to fit everyone: that year may not be enough for some, while others may walk into something which is not at all a rebound after 9 months. Circumstances and luck provide too many variables.
As for the OP, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, so stop making yourself try to feel guilty :p The chap up and left you and had been cheating on you for a while to boot! Yes, you may still be married on paper, but you're separated now and you have the right to start rebuilding your life. Only you know if this relationship is worth fixing, but if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not, then go ahead and do what's right for YOU. Obviously, you're not contemplating a long-term relationship with the lucky weekend gentleman, so you're in the right place.
I expect some awkwardness between yourself and your gentleman friend, but hopefully you can blame it on alchohol. Like others said, you are vulnerable right now, so be protective of yourself when similar situations may arise. When something worth your time and emotions comes up, I'm sure you'll be able to recognize it (and if he's indeed worth it, he will be willing to wait until you're certain that your past marriage will not taint your new relationship).
Yes and no. It's extremely hard to generalize because relationships end differently for different people, with more issues for some than for others, and different people recover differently. It's not fair to set up a certain time period (however reasonable it may seem) and expect it to fit everyone: that year may not be enough for some, while others may walk into something which is not at all a rebound after 9 months. Circumstances and luck provide too many variables.
As for the OP, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, so stop making yourself try to feel guilty :p The chap up and left you and had been cheating on you for a while to boot! Yes, you may still be married on paper, but you're separated now and you have the right to start rebuilding your life. Only you know if this relationship is worth fixing, but if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not, then go ahead and do what's right for YOU. Obviously, you're not contemplating a long-term relationship with the lucky weekend gentleman, so you're in the right place.
I expect some awkwardness between yourself and your gentleman friend, but hopefully you can blame it on alchohol. Like others said, you are vulnerable right now, so be protective of yourself when similar situations may arise. When something worth your time and emotions comes up, I'm sure you'll be able to recognize it (and if he's indeed worth it, he will be willing to wait until you're certain that your past marriage will not taint your new relationship).