Computer Terms

[Chezzie]

COMPUTER TERMS

BILL GATES: Trying to get Gates to pay for all your software.

CACHE: What you'd better have plenty of to cover your equipment upgrades.

CURSOR: You screaming at your computer when it freezes up.

DESKTOP: Place to place your head at work to catch up on some zzzz's

HARD DRIVE: Lots of congestion and constructions on the road into work.

HYPERLINKS: Lots of activity on the golf course.

JAVA: Much needed beverage to keep you awake all day.

MEGAHERTZ: Your head after a typical workday.

MODEM: What you do to lawns to keep them looking good.

PRODIGY: What you pray your kids will be to help you with your computer.

RAM: What you would to do to your monitor after tech support keeps you on the line for hours.

SOFTWARE: Your butt after all the time you spend sitting in front of screen.

VIRUS: what you pretend to have when you call in sick to play golf.



NEW VIRUS DEFINITIONS

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, then self-destructs --only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.



SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.

JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: It has been known to lie and cheat on its mother board.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

YOU KNOW YOUR ADDICTED TO CHATTING:

if you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.

if you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your CHAT directory.

if you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.

if your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.

if you send internet Christmas cards.

if you've been so anxious to get on CHAT you forgot to turn your speakers on and can't figure out why you can't hear the wavs being played!

if you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.

if "your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.

if you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.

if you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much you can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.

if you would rather be at your ONLINE birthday party than out with real people!

if someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "LOL!"

if you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.

if your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you say "Awwww, /me hugs Susan.

if you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so "we can hang out.

if you are laughing at these jokes.

if you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups."

if when you join #CHAT everyone types "Norm!"

if you wait for your roommates to say "re."