My Sister

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:47 pm

Wow, what a great letter, I related to it in my own life, you are a good man Brian!

I wish I had an Uncle like you!!

Continued Prayers are for you!!:-4

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:25 am

WonderWendy3;802949 wrote: Wow, what a great letter, I related to it in my own life, you are a good man Brian!

I wish I had an Uncle like you!!

Agree with Wendy 100%, you are a wonderful brother and Uncle, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:26 am

Nomad;802906 wrote: Ive finally talked to my sister and shes telling me everyone thinks shes fine. She said the treatment center poo pooed us and sent her on her way. Shes good, very convincing. Ive been so confused. I called Hazelden and presented this scenario without using her name and the counselor told me there is no way on Earth they would dismiss a patient that quickly and without a thorough and comprehensive work up on everything from mental health to the process of uncovering addiction. A-Z

Shes really really good at bamboozling people. I cant talk to her anymore. I probably shouldnt have in the 1st place.

One of my nieces is falling apart. I wrote this to her but Im so fragmented I dont know whats right anymore.

Its completely understandable that you would be feeling like this. Very

normal. There's no horizon right at the moment. No definite end and

everything seems up in the air. I just got off the phone with Lisa and she

said she's actively seeking help. She said she's seeing a mental health

clinic on Monday and another chemical dependency facility on Tuesday. I'm

inclined to go with her for these appointments.

Right now I think the most important thing is for you to just realize ok its

messy right now but it wont stay that way forever. Its really hard to be

patient and ride these things out when we have no control over them. Nothing

ever stays the same though. Life moves.

You will have other troubles in your life as it moves forward. People will

die. People will come and go. People wont do what you need them or expect

them to do. Some people will fail you. Its inevitable. The thing is Sam as

you travel each of these things will teach you something and give you wisdom

and strength. They're lessons that will teach you how to feel or act or what

to think as the next challenge comes. Its what makes us stretch and grow.

All of us have to go through it in one way or the other.

Some people fall apart and don't make it but most of us do. Depend on what

it is that gives you strength and talk to the people you trust and fall back

on your family. Get closer with Steph. Visit more often, stay connected to

your brothers. Do. Do things that divert your attention. Read, its spring

soon, go outside. Come here Ill give you a motorcycle ride through the

country side out here.

Rely on your own sense of self, you're doing wonderful, your in college,

you've done good things all your life. You make people love you because your

wonderful to be around.

This is temporary, it will pass.

What a beautiful letter! You did the right thing.

You are doing good Brian. Please don't lose sight of that

:-4:-4

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Mar 15, 2008 12:19 pm

Accountable;802935 wrote: This thread cuts right through me, not being able to just come right over.

Wow, Acc, you summed it up quite succinctly (as usual).

Brian, looks like you've got plenty of shoulders to lean on here in the Garden :-6

I am honored to be one of them

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Sat Mar 15, 2008 12:47 pm

That's a beautiful letter you wrote to your niece Nomad.....I've always said that you were a good brother, and now I know that you're a good uncle.

Just always take care of yourself first and then be there to support your family.

You're a good man Nomad:-4

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:40 pm

Things are looking up.

We lit another fire under her ass and it dawned on her (I think) that this is all real and its happening. I expect good news soon.

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:42 pm

This is good to hear, keep plugging away at this, you are doing good things here Nomad:):-4

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:46 pm

chocoholic;806756 wrote: This is good to hear, keep plugging away at this, you are doing good things here Nomad:):-4

Thanks stranger. I think Ill light a fire under your ass now.

Literally. :sneaky:

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:47 pm

Nomad;806752 wrote: Things are looking up.

We lit another fire under her ass and it dawned on her (I think) that this is all real and its happening. I expect good news soon.

Great news bud :-6:-6

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:51 pm

Good to see your spirit's back strong. How are the rest of the family getting along?

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:56 pm

Nomad;806758 wrote: Thanks stranger. I think Ill light a fire under your ass now.

Literally. :sneaky:

Ready when you are Mr. de Mille!

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:06 pm

Accountable;806764 wrote: Good to see your spirit's back strong. How are the rest of the family getting along?

Ok...

15 people 15 different opinions and quite frankly I think we should all be committed...but ok.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:09 pm

fuzzy butt;806769 wrote: that's a very supportive letter Nomad well down :-6

I've always believed the saying "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger " .......................but in time of course.

Thanks

Im a big believer in that saying as well.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:58 am

Hi Nomie

I'm glad to see that things are moving in the right direction. Do you think her relationship with the hubby and kids will be permanently damaged? :-3

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:04 am

Nice letter Nomad. I can't imagine my Uncle Stan ever penning anything like that. Mind you, he does like embroidery

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:07 pm

cherandbuster;808574 wrote: Hi Nomie

I'm glad to see that things are moving in the right direction. Do you think her relationship with the hubby and kids will be permanently damaged? :-3

Its getting complicated Cher. If her husband sticks to his guns the terms will

play out but shes still not owning up to anything. She had an assessment

yesterday and they recommended she enter treatment but

theres a waiting list.

Shes got 2 court dates this week and they could drop the restraining order

and she would go home which will put her right back in control and shell start

manipulating everything from the inside out, or she might be ordered to

treatment with the restraining order intact until completion.

She is so cunning its just unbelievable.

Her husband produced 50 photocopied pages of meds shes been prescribed at her assessment and she still

denies theres a problem.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:33 pm

50?? and still denies it!!??? wow, she is in major denial!!

I hope things get better soon for all of you, I know this has been hard on everyone involved. My hope is that she sees how loved she is in the end of this, there are some people not that fortunate....

I'm praying for you and your family Brian!!:-4:-4:-4

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:42 pm

Nomad;809236 wrote: Its getting complicated Cher.

She is so cunning its just unbelievable.

Thanks for sharing, my friend :-6

I work for a bunch of therapists and psychiatrists

and I'm well aware of those patients who call to fill 'scripts early -- the "drug seekers", as we call them -- for Xanax, lorazepam, Ritalin, Concerta, etc.

And the tales they tell to get more meds are just unbelievable.

qsducks · Post by **qsducks** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 1:44 pm

Well, I just really hope that she comes to her senses and gets the help she needs.

Chezzie · Post by **Chezzie** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:12 pm

Thinking of u Nomad, your doing so well:-6

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:27 pm

Chezzie;809360 wrote: Thinking of u Nomad, your doing so well:-6

Are you kidding ?

Im a wreck.

Now my family is shunning us because were talking to her.

She just called because she needs a place to stay.

**** !

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:32 pm

Nomad;809365 wrote: Are you kidding ?

Im a wreck.

Now my family is shunning us because were talking to her.

She just called because she needs a place to stay.

**** !
Be strong. You seem to be the only one who knows how. Be the example.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:35 pm

Accountable;809368 wrote: Be strong. You seem to be the only one who knows how. Be the example.

Strong how ?

Let her suffer ?

Do whats right ?

I dont know anymore !!!!!!!!!!!!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:46 pm

Nomad;809370 wrote: Strong how ?

Let her suffer ?

Do whats right ?

I dont know anymore !!!!!!!!!!!!
It takes greater strength not to be rigid. Step back for a minute and define "suffer" in her context. You can argue she is suffering with and without the drugs. Which is the better (for want of a better word) suffering? The answer to that tells you what you already know is right.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:31 pm

Oh Nomad...

It's horrible for all of you. Deepest sympathy.

Are you kidding ?

Im a wreck.

Now my family is shunning us because were talking to her.

She just called because she needs a place to stay.

**** !

Where would she go if you didn't take her in? In a situation where every response could be wrong, acting kindly from love has to be one of the better options you can take.

Consider yourself the recipient of a friendly metaphorical hug. :yh_hugs

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:47 pm

Clodhopper;809381 wrote: Oh Nomad...

It's horrible for all of you. Deepest sympathy.

Where would she go if you didn't take her in? In a situation where every response could be wrong, acting kindly from love has to be one of the better options you can take.

Consider yourself the recipient of a friendly metaphorical hug. :yh_hugs

Thanks ya big clod

I dont know where she would go.

She says she doesnt know and her husband by our own advice has siphoned $ out of the bank acct in order to keep her at bay.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:55 pm

K. GOtta say something real quick before I get to it.

I owe a couple of appologies, so here goes...

First off. I was asked months and months ago if I would offer my opinions, and some of the knowledge and experience I've gained through not only my own experiences but my work, and I accepted when this was created. I haven't held up my end of the bargain. For that I apologize to FG.

Next. Brian. To you and J and your family. For reasons obvious, I'm sure to you. Nuff said on that.

I'm not sure how much I should say about what's in my head openly here.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 4:59 pm

Nomad your between a rock and a hard place for sure. If you take her in it can go either way, your call, but your wife has to be 100% behind your decision if you take her in.

If you do remember its your home she must live by your rules I don't care if she is older than you. Remember people with drug problems will sell there souls and your belongings for a fix be careful she is on the edge right now.

I don't want to tell you what to do but she is at your doorstep for a reason. Timing is everything. It maybe your time to save your sisters life.

Whatever you do we support your decision 100% you have been a good brother to her.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:00 pm

Mystery;809389 wrote: K. GOtta say something real quick before I get to it.

I owe a couple of appologies, so here goes...

First off. I was asked months and months ago if I would offer my opinions, and some of the knowledge and experience I've gained through not only my own experiences but my work, and I accepted when this was created. I haven't held up my end of the bargain. For that I apologize to FG.

Next. Brian. To you and J and your family. For reasons obvious, I'm sure to you. Nuff said on that.

I'm not sure how much I should say about what's in my head openly here.

Go for it.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:10 pm

Nomad;809394 wrote: Go for it.

It'll have to be copy/pasted, cause no way am I re-typing that, but I may need to edit. Phew, hang on a bit and I'll see what's what.

Have you made the decision yet as to whether you're going to let her stay? I'm really sorry if I missed the post if you'd already said that.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:21 pm

Mystery;809398 wrote: It'll have to be copy/pasted, cause no way am I re-typing that, but I may need to edit. Phew, hang on a bit and I'll see what's what.

Have you made the decision yet as to whether you're going to let her stay? I'm really sorry if I missed the post if you'd already said that.

No I havent. Im torn, I think she needs to stay uncomfortable but he lost his job (the day before the intervention) and $ are critical. I dont know if theres $ or not to sustain her in the hotel shes been at.

Hes at the end of his rope and I dont know what hes thinking anymore.

I think hes got someone from court that will define the problem for the judge and he might mandate treatment.

Shes on a waiting list now (1-3 weeks)

Maybe a judge can speed it up, I dont know.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:24 pm

Nomad;809401 wrote: No I havent. Im torn, I think she needs to stay uncomfortable but he lost his job (the day before the intervention) and $ are critical. I dont know if theres $ or not to sustain her in the hotel shes been at.

Hes at the end of his rope and I dont know what hes thinking anymore.

I think hes got someone from court that will define the problem for the judge and he might mandate treatment.

Shes on a waiting list now (1-3 weeks)

Maybe a judge can speed it up, I dont know.

If it's anything similar to the system here (and if I remember correctly from a recent conference I attended, it may be) judges don't have much "pull" when it comes to speeding up a waiting list - they just stand as "leverage" for keeping someone there. Contrary to everything else about Louisiana, our treatment service, statewide, is state of the art, and high above most other states due to things we've implemented, but that right there still remains the same. The reason is because no matter how much we can offer, the number of addicts needing the services continues to rise and it's, unfortunately, just not enough.

EDIT: I wanted to add this: Judges DO have more pull in the event that they actually commit someone, but that's a bit different from a court order. Again, I'm going by my own standards in this state, but that's mostly global.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:28 pm

Mystery;809403 wrote: If it's anything similar to the system here (and if I remember correctly from a recent conference I attended, it may be) judges don't have much "pull" when it comes to speeding up a waiting list - they just stand as "leverage" for keeping someone there. Contrary to everything else about Louisiana, our treatment service, statewide, is state of the art, and high above most other states due to things we've implemented, but that right there still remains the same. The reason is because no matter how much we can offer, the number of addicts needing the services continues to rise and it's, unfortunately, just not enough.

Ok well whats your feeling on the overall situation of she said she will accept treatment but it could be awhile. Our interventionist stated that if she didnt accept treatment which she didnt on that day, there would be consequences and we had to follow through. Everyone in my family thinks anything else is falling short and enabling her.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:33 pm

Nomad;809407 wrote: Ok well whats your feeling on the overall situation of she said she will accept treatment but it could be awhile. Our interventionist stated that if she didnt accept treatment which she didnt on that day, there would be consequences and we had to follow through. Everyone in my family thinks anything else is falling short and enabling her.

Yes, there always have to be consequences. One thing to consider is this: Is she truly accepting the need for help or is she just accepting treatment? Because the two are quite different, and could mean the difference in her outcome. Listen, situations do change as needs must, and having to change the dynamic at times does not equal enabling, so long as you keep your objectivity and stick to the purpose of what's happening. She has no control over the fact that she has to wait on a bed, no more than any of you do. The problem with that (and something I face every day with the waiting lists I'm forced to keep) is that many times an addict's willingness dwindles quite swiftly and during the wait, they lose it completely.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:38 pm

Mystery;809411 wrote: Yes, there always have to be consequences. One thing to consider is this: Is she truly accepting the need for help or is she just accepting treatment? Because the two are quite different, and could mean the difference in her outcome. Listen, situations do change as needs must, and having to change the dynamic at times does not equal enabling, so long as you keep your objectivity and stick to the purpose of what's happening. She has no control over the fact that she has to wait on a bed, no more than any of you do. The problem with that (and something I face every day with the waiting lists I'm forced to keep) is that many times an addict's willingness dwindles quite swiftly and during the wait, they lose it completely.

I believe shes only accepting this so she can get it over with. She really wants to just go home and have us butt out. Her husband has needed mucho prodding and I dont think he can follow through on his own. I think she would claim him like a black widow to a fly.

So no, I dont think shes genuine or recognizes her need for health.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:45 pm

Nomad;809415 wrote: I believe shes only accepting this so she can get it over with. She really wants to just go home and have us butt out. Her husband has needed mucho prodding and I dont think he can follow through on his own. I think she would claim him like a black widow to a fly.

So no, I dont think shes genuine or recognizes her need for health.

Okay, you know my thoughts on hubby. Spouse's many times aren't good candidates for effecting change, because they're more often than not the biggest enablers (many tiems not on purpose).

I do need to say this: In the years I've been doing this, I've had many clients succeed, and many fail. The percentage of those succeeding broken down into those that came willing and those that were forced? It borders on 50/50.

I tell many of them it's not what got you here, it's what you do with being here. That's the reason I'm such a humongous advocate for recovery and treatment, and get into frequent arguments with those against it - treatment REALLY does work in lots of cases, and many times when a client does not remain sober, it has to do with the help they received.

That fact though - the one where you don't see her as being truly willing - may be what you need to consider most in whethe ryou let her stay with you. Because, hands down, tough consequences are the biggest thing in forcing someone to face themselves.

EDIT: And she may see you allowing her to say as an opening, if that makes sense.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:46 pm

Like I said Nomie your between a rock and a hard place right now and there are no easy answers where your sister is concerned. If she isn't owning the problem, the problem will still be there before, during and after treatment regargless of what you and the family do. Like you said she is cunning and a great manipulator. You know her best it seems, you may be to only one who can match her moves at this time. Can you meet this head on and be tough on her, if so you may be the one to get her clean and sober.

[QUOTE]I believe shes only accepting this so she can get it over with. She really wants to just go home and have us butt out. Her husband has needed mucho prodding and I dont think he can follow through on his own. I think she would claim him like a black widow to a fly.

So no, I dont think shes genuine or recognizes her need for health.[/QUOTE]

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:50 pm

What gives ? I have to make a decision ???

:wah:

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:52 pm

:wah: Oh yeah big guy you do, and I know it will be the right one when your ready to make it.

[QUOTE]What gives ? I have to make a decision ??? [/QUOTE]

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:14 pm

Thanks Carla !!!:-4:-4

Mystery

Im going to log off and make some calls. We will let her stay but we need to discuss the guidelines.

Thank you so very much for taking your time with this.

Brian

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:17 pm

Brian your one special brother. I have my fingers crossed and praying big time for a good outcome for everyone. :-4

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:25 pm

Nomad;809434 wrote: Thanks Carla !!!:-4:-4

Mystery

Im going to log off and make some calls. We will let her stay but we need to discuss the guidelines.

Thank you so very much for taking your time with this.

Brian

Not a problem at all. Anything at all else you need, let me know. Hell, I could even do some research on facilities through our database if it'll help!

Keep me posted and very best wishes coming your way :-6

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 7:47 am

Nomad :-6

Good morning

So what's been happening since last night? Is your sis staying with you? If so, what kind of guidelines did you put into motion?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 11:14 am

Shes here now. She has a court day today and I believe she was thinking her husband could move out and she would stay with the kids until treatment opened up for her.

I told her that was a bad bad idea. She would alienate everyone and and more doors would start closing in her face.

What she wants is doors to open for her. I told her that while she was frantic she needed to control it, its temporary. Its more important to "do" the right thing than to get what you want when you want it regardless of others.

She should be able to make arrangements to see them though.

She wrote a wonderful letter to her husband last night that Id love to share but I need her permission.

She finally surrendered control.

Now Im in charge !! :sneaky:

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:53 pm

Nomad;810190 wrote: She finally surrendered control.

Nomad

That is great news. It's a big step, don't you think?

Are you able to remain optimistic? :-6

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 1:57 pm

Brian this is such good news it brought tears to my eyes. You are the man now and it was to be this way as you now know. Your the best thing that can happen to your sister right now. It was ment to be :-4:-4

[QUOTE]Shes here now. She has a court day today and I believe she was thinking her husband could move out and she would stay with the kids until treatment opened up for her.

I told her that was a bad bad idea. She would alienate everyone and and more doors would start closing in her face.

What she wants is doors to open for her. I told her that while she was frantic she needed to control it, its temporary. Its more important to "do" the right thing than to get what you want when you want it regardless of others.

She should be able to make arrangements to see them though.

She wrote a wonderful letter to her husband last night that Id love to share but I need her permission.

She finally surrendered control.

Now Im in charge !! [/QUOTE]

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:19 pm

Nomad;810190 wrote: Now Im in charge !! :sneaky:

That's scary!!!

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:22 pm

Nomad;810190 wrote: Shes here now. She has a court day today and I believe she was thinking her husband could move out and she would stay with the kids until treatment opened up for her.

I told her that was a bad bad idea. She would alienate everyone and and more doors would start closing in her face.

What she wants is doors to open for her. I told her that while she was frantic she needed to control it, its temporary. Its more important to "do" the right thing than to get what you want when you want it regardless of others.

She should be able to make arrangements to see them though.

She wrote a wonderful letter to her husband last night that Id love to share but I need her permission.

She finally surrendered control.

Now Im in charge !! :sneaky:Talk about a mixed blessing! :p

You do us proud, young grasshopper. :-6

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:59 am