Dear Diary

[Chezzie]

Dear Diary

For my Birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a High School Cheer Leader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



MONDAY:

Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the Health Club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.. This is going to be a FANTASTIC WEEK!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made my lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! Its a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY ANNOYING. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me to get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour later, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!! AND if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells of anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama Coach or the Choir Director??

SATURDAY:

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I am having the Church Van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that his week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with DIAMONDS.

[Imladris]

:wah::wah::wah:

[kazalala]

Hilarious Chezzie:D:wah::wah:

[along-for-the-ride]

I enjoyed that.:wah: