just lost mom

Discussion group for bereaved people.This forum offers support, understanding, compassion and hope to bereaved people, struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their loved ones.
changinglanes
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just lost mom

Post by changinglanes »

My mother died end of Oct. I lived 5 yrs away but no one informed she was taken to hospital my family called me following day 5hrs. after mom died. I was devistated and furious no one let me know as I could have easily made it while she was alive.

Now 2 mos. later my mother's 3 sister's (my aunts) who never liked my step-dad and never came around now make constant excuses to be with him. I (an adult) clearly see their motives and once I voiced them my aunt's verbally attacked me as well as one aunt's adult son. They verbally abuse me and have made it clear they will do anything to keep me away from my family. They have made up lies against me, wrote hateful emails, left nasty phone messages and tried to put a wedge between my step-dad, brother and I.

It is clear 1 aunts is pursuing my step-dad and it is disqusting. Another aunt slanders me and 1 calls and cusses me out.

My step-dad told me to cut them from my life but that's hard when the one pursuing my dad is now controling family gatherings. I am so angry and still grieving that this behavior is making ill. It is bizarre. Plus 4 days after mom passed step-dad sold her belongings at a flea market without my knowledge.

I just dont know how to think or feel.
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spot
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Post by spot »

Do you have a social network other than your mother's family? Can you manage if you walk away from them?
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pantsonfire321@aol.com
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Post by pantsonfire321@aol.com »

changinglanes;751684 wrote:

My mother died end of Oct. I lived 5 yrs away but no one informed she was taken to hospital my family called me following day 5hrs. after mom died. I was devistated and furious no one let me know as I could have easily made it while she was alive.

Now 2 mos. later my mother's 3 sister's (my aunts) who never liked my step-dad and never came around now make constant excuses to be with him. I (an adult) clearly see their motives and once I voiced them my aunt's verbally attacked me as well as one aunt's adult son. They verbally abuse me and have made it clear they will do anything to keep me away from my family. They have made up lies against me, wrote hateful emails, left nasty phone messages and tried to put a wedge between my step-dad, brother and I.

It is clear 1 aunts is pursuing my step-dad and it is disqusting. Another aunt slanders me and 1 calls and cusses me out.

My step-dad told me to cut them from my life but that's hard when the one pursuing my dad is now controling family gatherings. I am so angry and still grieving that this behavior is making ill. It is bizarre. Plus 4 days after mom passed step-dad sold her belongings at a flea market without my knowledge.

I just dont know how to think or feel.


First of all can i say, I'm so sorry for your loss .:(

I know it may not seem like it now but time is a great healer ( i know it's an old clich'e but it is true ) . And then i would say, go and have a chat with your doctor ...he may be able to put you in touch with a bereavement counsellor and help if your a little depressed in any way. Then possibly when you feel up to it take some legal advice . Did you get on with your family before your mother passed ...it sounds like your aunts need to be given a wide birth and possibly (if you can) untill you can cope more, steer clear of any family gatherings .

Do you live at home with your Step dad ??? maybe for a while it would be better if you made it clear that you and your step dad need some space and ask them to not come to the house .

Can i also ask if there are any issues with wills or anything ( again you may need legal advice). Its sad that your step dad gave away some of your mothers belongings , and without sounding like i'm sticking up for him can i just say that he could possibly just of been thinking about himself right now and he did what he did in order to help him deal with the situation and not to spite you in any way . I hope things start to get a little better for you .. all the best Sarah janeXX
Can go from 0 - to bitch in 3.0 seconds .:D







Smile people :yh_bigsmi







yep, this bitch bites back .;)
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Nomad
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Post by Nomad »

If you want a relationship with your step dad and brother then make that happen.

No excuses just do it.

Focus on what you want and need and brush the clutter to the side.

You can do that in your mind by staying focused and not letting others distract you.

Good luck.
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Chezzie
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Post by Chezzie »

all been covered by above posts........good luck:-6
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

He began disposing my mother's belongings the same day she died. Even removed his wedding band.

He gave me a leather coat which contained no memory of my mom for me and that was it.

I see a psychiatrist due to severe anxiety over my mom's death.

My mom's 3 half sisters are trying their best to estranged me from the little family I have. Nasty phone calls,emails, and a cousin stalked me all last night on the net and my cell phone. These are my mom's 1/2 sisters.

1 of them is pursuing my step-dad. She never acknowledge him on B-days ever now recently she took him to dinner, back to her place for cake and presents. She is constantly making excuses to be with him. The other has always hated him but now wants to be his best buddy.

I begged my aunts to visit my mom when she was sick but they didn't now they can't do a back flip fast enough to visit him. I finally became disgusted enough and said something and immediately my aunt's attacked me and invented the worst false statements against me that was/is down right slanderous. I am blood, the "daughter" of their so called beloved sister they claim to honor so much.

I have no other family other than my husband and son. My step-dad and brother and his family is all I have.

He never has produced a will at all and I spoke to him last night about my aunts and what they were doing to me and he seemed to understand my feelings and advised me to cease all contact with them but I told him it would be difficult is he continues to be around them. He said in time they will fade away.

I spoke to my sister-in-law and she told me my step-dad told her that before my died he could be with the 1 aunt and both of us don't believe him. He was not at the hospital when mom died. Plus my mom would never say such a thing.

I know with no will and he never informed probate at all I can contest and underlaw he would not receive 100% it would be split 3 ways but what about the items he sold at a flea market?

And what person married for 27yrs. sells their wife's stuff at a flea market to begin with? 1 week after her death?
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

Doesn't his actions seem suspicious at all?

I am considering hiring a PI.
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Nomad
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Post by Nomad »

Unless you have walked in his shoes dont judge him. Ask him !!!!! Be direct and proactive.

You have a specific problem that requires a specific solution so go to the source.
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changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »



I have asked but the answers given to me are not always honest. My brother will stop by and he slips up without thinking 1st. He always opens his mouth without thinking first.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

I did ask him last night. I told him I would rather see him date a stranger than one of those mental midgets.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

Did you get on with your family before your mother passed ...it sounds like your aunts need to be given a wide birth and possibly (if you can) untill you can cope more, steer clear of any family gatherings .

Do you live at home with your Step dad ???



I live 5hrs away from him. I know their motives, they want things. Now my step-dad has to make a will and the 50 yr old virgin wants to be named it. They are very greedy and ruthless yet they brag they are devote christians. HA....if that is so then I'm the freaking easter bunny
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

Honestly though is any of this behavior normal?

Pushing only daughter of your sister away and ignoring my brother like this when after all it was OUR mother who just died?
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Imladris
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Post by Imladris »

Getting rid of personal belongings that quickly is unusual but for some people it's the only way they can deal with it, others hang onto stuff for far too long - neither way is right for everyone it's just that persons way of coping.



I think you need to focus on keeping the relationship with your step-father going, try not to criticise him or your aunts in front of him - he may be grateful for their company at the moment and he may by trying to hang on to your mother through them.



When you are able try to talk to him about his will, broach the subject by telling him that losing your mother has made you think about what would happen to your family if something happened to you - making sure that personal bequests went to the people you want, ensuring nobody has to guess your wishes - it might make him think about what he wants to happen when his time comes.



Above all try to remember that if you really don't want to have contact with your aunts you don't have to - arrange to see you step-father when you know they won't be there or ask him to your house that way you have some control over things.



Good luck.
Originally Posted by spot

She is one fit bitch innit, that Immy





Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

Thanks. You are right I don't have to see any of them when I visit him. Not even my brother and his wife, who I never want anything to do with ever again.

I detest toxic people and want no part of anyone like that. My brother thrives on causing other's pain as a form of entertainment.



Thank you all.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

My brother and his wife do not want me around. None of them do. My brother is verbally abusive to me and his wife is lying to me about my mother as a means to promote chaos. My brother is insecure and jealous of me.

I'm considering hiring a private investigator but not sure if I want more hurt added on top of what I have already.

Step-dad said he see's me as a daughter but I know he doesn't. I was not even offered to go through my mother's belongings.

My brother is running me down behind my back to all of the family and I have had it. I'm grieving still and he laughs about our mom being dead.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

I live out of state and there is nothing left of my mother's belongings it was all gone the 1st week after she died. I was just given a new leather coat of her's and her school report cards and school pictures, oh, and all the things I made her as a child. I also received a silver necklace with her finger print engraved on a charm. I never even asked for anything to begin with.

She is in my heart & memories and no one can take that away from me.

I will never understand how the loss of someone so loving and dear transforms family members into the worst people known to mankind.

Perhaps it is their true form they kept hidden away until now.

My 2 daughter's are 21 & 18 in college and they are hurting too.

My husband travels a lot and my son is in school so it is hard for me feeling alone.

That's when mother and I talked daily. I feel lost and now I have to accept I have lost the family that remains.

I have been trying my best to help my own family but I feel anger and hurt at times towards the others. Lots of anxiety too.

If the pain would decrease I'd feel better. I'm trying not to be bitter too.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

spot;751693 wrote: Do you have a social network other than your mother's family? Can you manage if you walk away from them?




Unfortunately I do not. My kids have always been my life but 2 are in college the other in middle school all day. My husband travels a lot this time.

I just started therapy with a shrink to help sort out my feelings and control my anxiety so it is tolerable. I know it takes time and I need to start a project to stay busy. I'm badly hurt right now by them but I know I can manage some how.

It helps to share my feelings and I'm thankful to have found this forum with understanding members. I appreciate everyone being so helpful and kind.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

[QUOTE=Nomad;751702]If you want a relationship with your step dad and brother then make that happen.

No excuses just do it.





I am trying hard with my step-dad but my brother....I cannot move mountains. I called him to wish him happy B-day and he just started screaming at me and threatening me. I was scratching my head over that. No, I will not subject myself to being abused by anyone. I am better than that.

My brother does not want me around not even around my step dad. If I even question anything I am verbally attacked and threatened by him.
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spot
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Post by spot »

Is there a reason why you want to retain even the slightest contact with any of these relations? You have your husband, your child, you could call it quits and draw a line any time you want to. What's pushing you into exposing yourself to all this?
Nullius in verba|||||||||||
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mikeinie
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Post by mikeinie »

I am very sorry for you loss, I truly am, but everything that I read from your posts seem strange.

I don’t mean to offend you, and you probably won’t like me for this,

but it adds up like this:

If Changinglanes has a problem with Step Dad

And

Changinglanes has a problem with Aunts

And

Changinglanes has a problem with brother

And

Changinglanes has a problem with Brother’s wife

Guess who the problem is with???

Some self reflection may be required.

I am sorry for your loss, the solutions to your issues may be within you.
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Pheasy
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Post by Pheasy »

Sorry if I missed in earlier posts - how did your Mum die? Was she sick?

When you loose someone you love it brings out all kinds of emotions. Some of us will focus on that one emotion as some form of survival. Each person may choose a different emotion, and it could cause conflict with the emotions of others.

You seem (based on what has been said here), very upset with many family members, and them with you. I can't see the bottom line here.

Why don't you just concentrate on the ones you love, and let the rest go. :-4
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

I am very sorry for you loss, I truly am, but everything that I read from your posts seem strange.

I don’t mean to offend you, and you probably won’t like me for this,

but it adds up like this:

If Changinglanes has a problem with Step Dad

And

Changinglanes has a problem with Aunts

And

Changinglanes has a problem with brother

And

Changinglanes has a problem with Brother’s wife

Guess who the problem is with???

Some self reflection may be required.

I am sorry for your loss, the solutions to your issues may be within you.

1. I am concerned about odd behavior exhibited by step. I'm not alone in feeling this way.

2. Aunts were estranged from family for 10 yrs.

3. Brother is 5 yrs. younger and has always carrie open resentment because I have healthy relationships with both my mom and real father. His wife is just going along with him.

4. I have every right to ask questions regarding my mother's death and I do not do imply any negative remarks to anyone.

5. I have always shown respect, love and kindness to all.

6. I am grieving still and they take enjoyment in further hurting me.

You don't understand, I moved out of state because 20 yrs ago due to my brother's verbal abuse. He has nothing to with our real father. Most of that family is highly dyfunctional, sexual abuse, physical, verbal.

My problem is that I kept a healthy loving relationship with my mother as well as my children. My brother is insecure and mental. I got along with all family until my brother began lying and making false claims against me and my motives.

I'm guilty of kindness and honoring my mother. Outsiders are also questioning the family's behavior as they know me very well. I am a peacemaker and would never hurt others.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

My mother had progressive breast cancer and my step dad didn't want her to seek any treatment. I provided her with books and help educate her and she finally sought medical treatment. Her cancer was in remissions then she developed MDS (acute lukemia) I begged step dd to go to the doctor with her but he didn't. Mom told me that he didn't care. She was also hurt when he told her he increased he life insurance and lowered his.

I have a answer message recording I recovere and taped where step clearly states mom was being moved to ICU BUT he would pick up aunt to take her to eye doctor the floowing day. So you think I'm the problem regarding the family uh?

They never informed me until 5 hrs after her death. I'm the eldest and only daughter.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

mikeinie;752362 wrote:

I am sorry for your loss, the solutions to your issues may be within you.




I suppose since I cut communications off from them it's me causing them to harrass me online, at websites, and text messages on my cell which I refuse to reply to. I stay to myself. I observe actions and keep quiet.

That is why I came here for advice because I have not voiced my true feelings to the family. The hate for me cane out of the blue and I feel there are hidden agendas and I am trying to understand.

Something is wrong here and I feel they sense I know it.

I'm not mad at you because you don't know the entire picture. I dislike confrontations so I remove myself but I do have my thoughts.
RedGlitter
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Post by RedGlitter »

Maybe your family *needs* to know your true feelings. Why are you keeping them hidden? Is it to avoid conflict? It sounds like there's already conflict so maybe the air needs to be cleared. We all don't know your whole situation so we bring to it as we see it, so you're bound to get different views here. I am very sorry you're suffering this loss. It hasn't been that long since I lost my own mother under much better circumstances than yours and I know how I hurt so I can only imagine how it must be for you.

Family is family but if you aren't able to get to the crux of this situation, your only bet may be to abandon them for your own sanity. If they won't hear you out, write a group letter. See if that does anything.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

[QUOTE=RedGlitter;752965]Maybe your family *needs* to know your true feelings. Why are you keeping them hidden? Is it to avoid conflict?





They don't care what I think or feel and would just put me down. They create conflict as a means to entertain themselves.

I have cut myself off from them and began therapy recently.

They are greedy and insecure and follow my brother who loves conflict geared towards me. My mom kept him in line now he feels free to be a bigger arse than ever before. He craves to be center of attention and the rest of the family thrives on gossip as if came out of the Holy Bible.
grh
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Post by grh »

changinglanes;752944 wrote: My mother had progressive breast cancer and my step dad didn't want her to seek any treatment. I provided her with books and help educate her and she finally sought medical treatment. Her cancer was in remissions then she developed MDS (acute lukemia) I begged step dd to go to the doctor with her but he didn't. Mom told me that he didn't care. She was also hurt when he told her he increased he life insurance and lowered his.

I have a answer message recording I recovere and taped where step clearly states mom was being moved to ICU BUT he would pick up aunt to take her to eye doctor the floowing day. So you think I'm the problem regarding the family uh?

They never informed me until 5 hrs after her death. I'm the eldest and only daughter.


Help me out here, 'cause this girl is confused... either you got a message saying she had been moved to ICU... which according to your own opening post means that you should have been able to get to her while she was alive:confused: or you are B] invading the privacy of the aunts, because if he left the message for an aunt, it wasn't left for you:confused:

Then you recovered and taped it... for what purpose exactly???

My sincere suggestion here is that you pay for a membership, head to the journal area and tell your entire story from start to finish. You have to admit that to the casual observer, it starts to look a little strange the way each post of yours needs to 'top' the preceding one.

And whatever else you do, you want to make sure there is absolutely no request made to anyone here for financial assistance! There is a friend of mine here, who I know lost her mother to cancer around the same time of year that you did. And I know that she recently announced on here that she's getting a settlement soon from a drug company. You can just imagine how wrongly even the suggestion of being in a financial bind might be interpreted ...-even though those of us here know she would not be taken in for a moment by such a ploy.!
Who are they to protest me? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about!

:yh_glasse

rambo
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

1.. I don't want or need anyone's money.



I was told my mom was sent to ICU the day she died. I learned by a phone message of another that was not true.

I am seeking the truth surrounding her death but only get lies. Am I not know truth surrounding my mom's death?
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

Where and do I find to pay for membership to a forum.? I'm more than happy to do so as I understand the confusion. Please note I am learning about things new daily. I don't mean to confuse as I am confused and seeking clairity.
grh
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Post by grh »

changinglanes;753017 wrote: 1.. I don't want or need anyone's money.



I was told my mom was sent to ICU the day she died. I learned by a phone message of another that was not true.

I am seeking the truth surrounding her death but only get lies. Am I not know truth surrounding my mom's death?


Yep, my bad! I hadn't seen the other thread where you mention how costly it was going to be - before i posted my previous item.:lips:
Who are they to protest me? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about!

:yh_glasse

rambo
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

It is alright. I understand.
mikeinie
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Post by mikeinie »

You don't understand, I moved out of state because 20 yrs ago due to my brother's verbal abuse. He has nothing to with our real father. Most of that family is highly dyfunctional, sexual abuse, physical, verbal.



Then you have said it all right there. Cut your losses, you mom (sadly) has moved on. Have nothing to do with any of them ever again.

You do not need physical things from your mom to remember her by, keep her in you heart, that what counts the most.
changinglanes
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Post by changinglanes »

I know this. My daughter's are just upset over picture books my mother made of their lives since birth.

The entire situation sucks but there is nothing we can do but move on and plant a flower garden in her honor every spring and donate money to her cause in her name.

It's hard when intentional pain is inflicted upon loved ones as a form of entertainment.

Moving on and forget they even exist is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

We have to be the bigger people.

Thank you
mikeinie
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Post by mikeinie »

changinglanes;753112 wrote: I know this. My daughter's are just upset over picture books my mother made of their lives since birth.

The entire situation sucks but there is nothing we can do but move on and plant a flower garden in her honor every spring and donate money to her cause in her name.

It's hard when intentional pain is inflicted upon loved ones as a form of entertainment.

Moving on and forget they even exist is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

We have to be the bigger people.

Thank you


Best Wishes to you and your family in 2008

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