To split this from another thread, as so many people have opinions on it, what is the benefit of reporting a rape to which there is no proof or witnesses?
Personally, if there is another victim that would also report and testify then I would be more likely to consider it but I'm not about to put myself through over a year of continued grief on a case that would likely be dismissed from court. Apparently this makes me responsible for whoever else might get attacked by the rapist... I guess I'll join the masses of other people also responsible as 75-90% of rapes go unreported. I suppose we all got it wrong.
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My only problem with someone not reporting being raped, is that it gives the rapist the green light to go ahead and rape another person.
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chonsigirl
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It is a personal issue, if you want to stop the person from doing it again, you must go through the ordeal to report it.
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koan;723360 wrote: To split this from another thread, as so many people have opinions on it, what is the benefit of reporting a rape to which there is no proof or witnesses?
Personally, if there is another victim that would also report and testify then I would be more likely to consider it but I'm not about to put myself through over a year of continued grief on a case that would likely be dismissed from court. Apparently this makes me responsible for whoever else might get attacked by the rapist... I guess I'll join the masses of other people also responsible as 75-90% of rapes go unreported. I suppose we all got it wrong.
If your daughter were raped, would you discourage her from reporting it?
Personally, if there is another victim that would also report and testify then I would be more likely to consider it but I'm not about to put myself through over a year of continued grief on a case that would likely be dismissed from court. Apparently this makes me responsible for whoever else might get attacked by the rapist... I guess I'll join the masses of other people also responsible as 75-90% of rapes go unreported. I suppose we all got it wrong.
If your daughter were raped, would you discourage her from reporting it?
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What makes anyone think reporting it will stop them?
The reporting does nothing. Only a conviction would be effective and I don't understand why people think a report will equal a conviction.
The reporting does nothing. Only a conviction would be effective and I don't understand why people think a report will equal a conviction.
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I'm not saying reporting it will mean an automatic conviction. I'm saying that not reporting it, gives the rapist the idea he can get away with raping people.
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Reporting it in one case, potentially two, would have meant I wouldn't be able to work in either industry again. In one case it might have put my life further at risk.
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Rape isn't going away, people.
It will never stop.
It's always happened and it will continue to happen.
It will never stop.
It's always happened and it will continue to happen.
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No rape is not going to go away. However it doesn't mean we sit around with our thumbs up our ass and not do anything about it.
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RedGlitter
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koan;723369 wrote: Rape isn't going away, people.
It will never stop.
It's always happened and it will continue to happen.
Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women. In my eyes, your livelihood in the industry was not as important as the mass of women who were left at risk. Reporting it, whether convicted or not, will bring it to light and put a scarlet letter on the person you're accusing. One can only hope in your case you got someone to gut the SOB.
ETA: My harshness is directed toward the rapist. Not toward you. It makes me want to spit blood.
It will never stop.
It's always happened and it will continue to happen.
Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women. In my eyes, your livelihood in the industry was not as important as the mass of women who were left at risk. Reporting it, whether convicted or not, will bring it to light and put a scarlet letter on the person you're accusing. One can only hope in your case you got someone to gut the SOB.
ETA: My harshness is directed toward the rapist. Not toward you. It makes me want to spit blood.
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RedGlitter
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Koan, I'm confused as to why you would open yourself up on something so private. That's not a personal criticism. It's me wondering why. I know you have been open about it in the past but are you just asking for the sake of discussion??
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freetobeme
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I would hate to think that if I had a daughter, she would not report a rape, but I believe you said you were raped a number of times. No offense meant, but that's a bit unusual, so I'm going to make an assumption here that you mean 'date rape' and not someone jumping out at you and attacking you physically and sexually.
Date rape I think is harder to prove, often seemingly non-violent and sometimes the result of a mixed message, it could be a result of not listening or just wishful thinking on the part of the rapist. Still, it's not something I would want him to get away with, and for it to have happened a number of times, it could be quite traumatic for you, I hope you have a counsellor you can talk to. I'm not sure that discussing it in a public forum is the best venue either, but best wishes and hopefully you won't be attacked again.
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Date rape I think is harder to prove, often seemingly non-violent and sometimes the result of a mixed message, it could be a result of not listening or just wishful thinking on the part of the rapist. Still, it's not something I would want him to get away with, and for it to have happened a number of times, it could be quite traumatic for you, I hope you have a counsellor you can talk to. I'm not sure that discussing it in a public forum is the best venue either, but best wishes and hopefully you won't be attacked again.
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senior's politics and discussion
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For all of those spitting feathers and insisting *must*.
All I would say is that, until you have been there and done so, you cannot insist in such strident terms that someone who has is wrong.
It's one thing to give your opinion but this appears to be becoming increasingly personal criticism on a subject that must be difficult at the best of times.
All I would say is that, until you have been there and done so, you cannot insist in such strident terms that someone who has is wrong.
It's one thing to give your opinion but this appears to be becoming increasingly personal criticism on a subject that must be difficult at the best of times.
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RedGlitter
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It may seem that way Bryn, but Koan began this subject after making us all aware of her situation. It wasn't hypothetical. If she didn't want our opinions she should not have asked about something people feel so strongly about. I also don't think you need firsthand experience to know what the right thing to do is.
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RedGlitter;723410 wrote: It may seem that way Bryn, but Koan began this subject after making us all aware of her situation. It wasn't hypothetical. If she didn't want our opinions she should not have asked about something people feel so strongly about. I also don't think you need firsthand experience to know what the right thing to do is.
I agree, you don't need firsthand experience to know what the hypothetical right thing to do in most circumstances is. You do need firsthand experience to know what you would do in a specific set of circumstances.
It's one thing to open a discussion to air views but when those views turn into "sitting round with your thumbs up your arse" and "taking a selfish attitude and failing to do your part" it's going beyond giving opinions in what, as I said, must be an already difficult subject to discuss in open forum.
It may be OK when you're discussing nation against nation but when you're talking about something so personal and emotional it does seem somewhat over the top.
I agree, you don't need firsthand experience to know what the hypothetical right thing to do in most circumstances is. You do need firsthand experience to know what you would do in a specific set of circumstances.
It's one thing to open a discussion to air views but when those views turn into "sitting round with your thumbs up your arse" and "taking a selfish attitude and failing to do your part" it's going beyond giving opinions in what, as I said, must be an already difficult subject to discuss in open forum.
It may be OK when you're discussing nation against nation but when you're talking about something so personal and emotional it does seem somewhat over the top.
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Bryn Mawr;723415 wrote: I agree, you don't need firsthand experience to know what the hypothetical right thing to do in most circumstances is. You do need firsthand experience to know what you would do in a specific set of circumstances.
It's one thing to open a discussion to air views but when those views turn into "sitting round with your thumbs up your arse" and "taking a selfish attitude and failing to do your part" it's going beyond giving opinions in what, as I said, must be an already difficult subject to discuss in open forum.
It may be OK when you're discussing nation against nation but when you're talking about something so personal and emotional it does seem somewhat over the top.
My thumb up the arse comment was because the OP's posts read to me that rape was just nature, and committing such actions as reporting it were pointless. it wasn't a personal attack!
It's one thing to open a discussion to air views but when those views turn into "sitting round with your thumbs up your arse" and "taking a selfish attitude and failing to do your part" it's going beyond giving opinions in what, as I said, must be an already difficult subject to discuss in open forum.
It may be OK when you're discussing nation against nation but when you're talking about something so personal and emotional it does seem somewhat over the top.
My thumb up the arse comment was because the OP's posts read to me that rape was just nature, and committing such actions as reporting it were pointless. it wasn't a personal attack!
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RedGlitter
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I maintain if you don't want to risk hearing things you don't like, then don't stick your neck out. Koan is often way harsh with people here so I know she can take it as well as give it.
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Sheryl;723418 wrote: My thumb up the arse comment was because the OP's posts read to me that rape was just nature, and committing such actions as reporting it were pointless. it wasn't a personal attack!
In the circumstances it certainly sounded like it.
Given the nature of the discussion, what else could it be taken as?
In the circumstances it certainly sounded like it.
Given the nature of the discussion, what else could it be taken as?
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koan;723360 wrote: To split this from another thread, as so many people have opinions on it, what is the benefit of reporting a rape to which there is no proof or witnesses?
Personally, if there is another victim that would also report and testify then I would be more likely to consider it but I'm not about to put myself through over a year of continued grief on a case that would likely be dismissed from court. Apparently this makes me responsible for whoever else might get attacked by the rapist... I guess I'll join the masses of other people also responsible as 75-90% of rapes go unreported. I suppose we all got it wrong.
I'm not 100% sure if this response is solely due to my post in the other rape thread, as I did not read the whole thread. But here was my post in that thread (for others to see)...
I am so sorry to hear this Koan, it must have been very traumatic. But unless you had these people bumped off or something
, doesn't leaving this crime unreported then allow these despicable excuses for human beings the opportunity to continue to rape other women. By reporting it, justice may have been served, and you could be saving other women from the same.
I have recently posted personal details here, and by doing so left my decisions in life up for public debate. I did this knowing that there are people out there who might not understand nor agree with my decisions. But I value the bigger view/picture. We all make decisions based on our emotions at that time, our survival instincts and our thoughts on what would be for best outcome at that time. So Koan, please do not think that I judge you on the way you dealt with these situations. I am not ready to throw, yet again, my personal decisions up for debate, but know that I understand some of the emotions that you would of felt at that time.
Please do not think that I said, by not reporting the rapes, that you are now responsible for all other rapes. After all you did not create this 'sicko's sole. My survival instincts would get pleasure in seeing the b4stard 'go down'. I would do that even if it cost me a year to try and prove it. Even if it could not be proved, then a '?' would hang over his head, and would send warning bells out to other women who may find themselves alone with this sicko. If along the way my 'friends' judged me or questioned me, then really, they are history in my life - not true friends at all.
But like I said, we do what we think is best at that time - and it is unfair for others to judge us. Which as my recent 'public debate' showed, not all will understand or agree. But by throwing peoples views and beliefs around it widens our understanding of life/people and circumstances. :-4
Personally, if there is another victim that would also report and testify then I would be more likely to consider it but I'm not about to put myself through over a year of continued grief on a case that would likely be dismissed from court. Apparently this makes me responsible for whoever else might get attacked by the rapist... I guess I'll join the masses of other people also responsible as 75-90% of rapes go unreported. I suppose we all got it wrong.
I'm not 100% sure if this response is solely due to my post in the other rape thread, as I did not read the whole thread. But here was my post in that thread (for others to see)...
I am so sorry to hear this Koan, it must have been very traumatic. But unless you had these people bumped off or something
, doesn't leaving this crime unreported then allow these despicable excuses for human beings the opportunity to continue to rape other women. By reporting it, justice may have been served, and you could be saving other women from the same.I have recently posted personal details here, and by doing so left my decisions in life up for public debate. I did this knowing that there are people out there who might not understand nor agree with my decisions. But I value the bigger view/picture. We all make decisions based on our emotions at that time, our survival instincts and our thoughts on what would be for best outcome at that time. So Koan, please do not think that I judge you on the way you dealt with these situations. I am not ready to throw, yet again, my personal decisions up for debate, but know that I understand some of the emotions that you would of felt at that time.
Please do not think that I said, by not reporting the rapes, that you are now responsible for all other rapes. After all you did not create this 'sicko's sole. My survival instincts would get pleasure in seeing the b4stard 'go down'. I would do that even if it cost me a year to try and prove it. Even if it could not be proved, then a '?' would hang over his head, and would send warning bells out to other women who may find themselves alone with this sicko. If along the way my 'friends' judged me or questioned me, then really, they are history in my life - not true friends at all.
But like I said, we do what we think is best at that time - and it is unfair for others to judge us. Which as my recent 'public debate' showed, not all will understand or agree. But by throwing peoples views and beliefs around it widens our understanding of life/people and circumstances. :-4
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Anyone who thinks I'm personally vulnerable in this discussion is happily mistaken. As hard as it might be to believe, I have healed from my experiences and have no problem talking about it. The only time I ever experience a negative effect is when I've written descriptions of what happened as, when I write, I place myself back in the scene. I am certainly under the impression that RedGlitter is foaming at the mouth and hoping for some emotional blood but I think her comment "Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women." shows her own shortcomings more than my own.
Why Is Rape So Easy To Get Away With?
Follow that link to get a better understanding of what I am trying to say.
I missed a question earlier. If my daughter was raped I would help her recover from it as quickly as possible. If charging her attacker would help her get through it then I would be by her side, if she just wanted to put it behind her and move on then I would be by her side. It would be her choice not mine and I certainly wouldn't try to tell her what to do.
Why Is Rape So Easy To Get Away With?
Follow that link to get a better understanding of what I am trying to say.
I missed a question earlier. If my daughter was raped I would help her recover from it as quickly as possible. If charging her attacker would help her get through it then I would be by her side, if she just wanted to put it behind her and move on then I would be by her side. It would be her choice not mine and I certainly wouldn't try to tell her what to do.
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koan;723441 wrote: Anyone who thinks I'm personally vulnerable in this discussion is happily mistaken. As hard as it might be to believe, I have healed from my experiences and have no problem talking about it. The only time I ever experience a negative effect is when I've written descriptions of what happened as, when I write, I place myself back in the scene. I am certainly under the impression that RedGlitter is foaming at the mouth and hoping for some emotional blood but I think her comment "Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women." shows her own shortcomings more than my own.
Why Is Rape So Easy To Get Away With?
Follow that link to get a better understanding of what I am trying to say.
I missed a question earlier. If my daughter was raped I would help her recover from it as quickly as possible. If charging her attacker would help her get through it then I would be by her side, if she just wanted to put it behind her and move on then I would be by her side. It would be her choice not mine and I certainly wouldn't try to tell her what to do.
:-5 :-5 Well, I have tried to say it as I feel, with no other agenda :-5
Why Is Rape So Easy To Get Away With?
Follow that link to get a better understanding of what I am trying to say.
I missed a question earlier. If my daughter was raped I would help her recover from it as quickly as possible. If charging her attacker would help her get through it then I would be by her side, if she just wanted to put it behind her and move on then I would be by her side. It would be her choice not mine and I certainly wouldn't try to tell her what to do.
:-5 :-5 Well, I have tried to say it as I feel, with no other agenda :-5
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RedGlitter
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Koan, I'm happy to hear you suffer no ongoing trauma from your experience. You are luckier than most. As for your notion of me foaming at the mouth, I have no idea what you have against me these days that you think warrants some of the things you say to me and to others but I think it shows you for the kind of person you must really be. I'm not interested in discussing your rapes and that's what this thread is about. It's not a bit hypothetical, wasn't intended to be, nor can it be. I'm sure it'll be lost on you but I do have a little more regard for you than would be shown by me continuing in this thread. As a good friend of mine is fond of saying...."whatever!" 
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What is this thread about? It most certainly is NOT just about my experiences. I was told I've failed society by not reporting rapes. I'm saying there is proof that's bullshit.
Read the article I linked. Here's the start:
"I coped with being raped," says Jane Lewis, who was attacked by a man two years ago at the party where they met, "but I went mad when he was acquitted. That is when I started fantasising about killing him." She later discovered that he had been accused of rape four times previously: twice not charged, and twice acquitted by a jury.
Today, rape might as well be legal. With women frequently accused of making false allegations, and victims who had consumed alcohol blamed for "getting themselves raped", it is a wonder that the conviction rate for reported rapes is as high as the current figure of 5%.
Take your whatever and second that, RG. People aren't blind.
Read the article I linked. Here's the start:
"I coped with being raped," says Jane Lewis, who was attacked by a man two years ago at the party where they met, "but I went mad when he was acquitted. That is when I started fantasising about killing him." She later discovered that he had been accused of rape four times previously: twice not charged, and twice acquitted by a jury.
Today, rape might as well be legal. With women frequently accused of making false allegations, and victims who had consumed alcohol blamed for "getting themselves raped", it is a wonder that the conviction rate for reported rapes is as high as the current figure of 5%.
Take your whatever and second that, RG. People aren't blind.
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koan;723448 wrote: What is this thread about? It most certainly is NOT just about my experiences. I was told I've failed society by not reporting rapes. I'm saying there is proof that's bullshit.
Read the article I linked. Here's the start:
"I coped with being raped," says Jane Lewis, who was attacked by a man two years ago at the party where they met, "but I went mad when he was acquitted. That is when I started fantasising about killing him." She later discovered that he had been accused of rape four times previously: twice not charged, and twice acquitted by a jury.
Today, rape might as well be legal. With women frequently accused of making false allegations, and victims who had consumed alcohol blamed for "getting themselves raped", it is a wonder that the conviction rate for reported rapes is as high as the current figure of 5%.
Take your whatever and second that, RG. People aren't blind.
Who told you that you failed society by not reporting rapes???? It was pointed out that your reactions to a situation is different to others, and people tried to express their feelings on that point, and discuss. You are twisting what people say, and I can only assume by your reaction that the 'chip' on your shoulder is larger than you realise. :-4
Read the article I linked. Here's the start:
"I coped with being raped," says Jane Lewis, who was attacked by a man two years ago at the party where they met, "but I went mad when he was acquitted. That is when I started fantasising about killing him." She later discovered that he had been accused of rape four times previously: twice not charged, and twice acquitted by a jury.
Today, rape might as well be legal. With women frequently accused of making false allegations, and victims who had consumed alcohol blamed for "getting themselves raped", it is a wonder that the conviction rate for reported rapes is as high as the current figure of 5%.
Take your whatever and second that, RG. People aren't blind.
Who told you that you failed society by not reporting rapes???? It was pointed out that your reactions to a situation is different to others, and people tried to express their feelings on that point, and discuss. You are twisting what people say, and I can only assume by your reaction that the 'chip' on your shoulder is larger than you realise. :-4
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ThePheasant;723452 wrote: Who told you that you failed society by not reporting rapes???? It was pointed out that your reactions to a situation is different to others, and people tried to express their feelings on that point, and discuss. You are twisting what people say, and I can only assume by your reaction that the 'chip' on your shoulder is larger than you realise. :-4
"Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women."
That was the second time that the sentiment was written and I zeroed in on the person who expressed it. There are legitimate queries being made into why a person would choose to not report and there are bullying statements being made as well. Both are of interest to me.
It's not a chip. If you think about it, if 75-90% of rapes go unreported and most people won't talk about what happened then there is a huge number of people reading those comments who might feel guilty for having not reported. I'm here telling them it's ok. Don't feel guilty. It's not the victim's fault they got raped and they shouldn't feel guilty for not reporting it either.
Selfish? It was my daughter's best interests I had in mind. A single mother can't afford to risk her career, put herself through likely pointless years of misery and go on welfare to prove a point. That's just naive.
"Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women."
That was the second time that the sentiment was written and I zeroed in on the person who expressed it. There are legitimate queries being made into why a person would choose to not report and there are bullying statements being made as well. Both are of interest to me.
It's not a chip. If you think about it, if 75-90% of rapes go unreported and most people won't talk about what happened then there is a huge number of people reading those comments who might feel guilty for having not reported. I'm here telling them it's ok. Don't feel guilty. It's not the victim's fault they got raped and they shouldn't feel guilty for not reporting it either.
Selfish? It was my daughter's best interests I had in mind. A single mother can't afford to risk her career, put herself through likely pointless years of misery and go on welfare to prove a point. That's just naive.
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koan;723454 wrote: "Especially when you take a selfish attitude and fail to do your part to protect your sister women."
That was the second time that the sentiment was written and I zeroed in on the person who expressed it. There are legitimate queries being made into why a person would choose to not report and there are bullying statements being made as well. Both are of interest to me.
It's not a chip. If you think about it, if 75-90% of rapes go unreported and most people won't talk about what happened then there is a huge number of people reading those comments who might feel guilty for having not reported. I'm here telling them it's ok. Don't feel guilty. It's not the victim's fault they got raped and they shouldn't feel guilty for not reporting it either.
Selfish? It was my daughter's best interests I had in mind. A single mother can't afford to risk her career, put herself through likely pointless years of misery and go on welfare to prove a point. That's just naive.
And that I agree on. I would never judge you for the decisions you made at that time, and only wanted to discuss with you. It just seemed to me that you got stuck on not wanting to see other points of view (I have seen this in other threads and it upsets me). I apologise for my 'chip on your shoulder' comment . I would just like to see you discuss this and hear the comments without getting so upset. Your OP, made me think that you were upset by my original comment which was not intended. There are many fors and against in this situation/reaction and to share the thoughts on this subject can only help people in the future. And if by sharing, we can help others, then it makes all the sh1t we have had to deal with worth something. :-4
That was the second time that the sentiment was written and I zeroed in on the person who expressed it. There are legitimate queries being made into why a person would choose to not report and there are bullying statements being made as well. Both are of interest to me.
It's not a chip. If you think about it, if 75-90% of rapes go unreported and most people won't talk about what happened then there is a huge number of people reading those comments who might feel guilty for having not reported. I'm here telling them it's ok. Don't feel guilty. It's not the victim's fault they got raped and they shouldn't feel guilty for not reporting it either.
Selfish? It was my daughter's best interests I had in mind. A single mother can't afford to risk her career, put herself through likely pointless years of misery and go on welfare to prove a point. That's just naive.
And that I agree on. I would never judge you for the decisions you made at that time, and only wanted to discuss with you. It just seemed to me that you got stuck on not wanting to see other points of view (I have seen this in other threads and it upsets me). I apologise for my 'chip on your shoulder' comment . I would just like to see you discuss this and hear the comments without getting so upset. Your OP, made me think that you were upset by my original comment which was not intended. There are many fors and against in this situation/reaction and to share the thoughts on this subject can only help people in the future. And if by sharing, we can help others, then it makes all the sh1t we have had to deal with worth something. :-4
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this is a touchy subject..to begin with the person that is raped..is already violated..to report the crime means reliving the whole experience..in detail over and over to the courts..and if you cannot prove it..know in your heart that it will probably only add to your pain..then i can see why it would not be reported...I am sorry you ever had to experience it D.:-4
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RedGlitter;723447 wrote: Koan, I'm happy to hear you suffer no ongoing trauma from your experience. You are luckier than most. As for your notion of me foaming at the mouth, I have no idea what you have against me these days that you think warrants some of the things you say to me and to others but I think it shows you for the kind of person you must really be. I'm not interested in discussing your rapes and that's what this thread is about. It's not a bit hypothetical, wasn't intended to be, nor can it be. I'm sure it'll be lost on you but I do have a little more regard for you than would be shown by me continuing in this thread. As a good friend of mine is fond of saying...."whatever!"
This post is way out of line..You arent interested in hearing reality? then by all means..take a f;ing hike off of this thread..Not everything is in black or white..your callous remarks and uncaring attitude show you to be who you are..you contradict yourself..you say you have regard for koan and then immediately give a whatever remark...thats cold..i am losing any respect i ever had for you.
This post is way out of line..You arent interested in hearing reality? then by all means..take a f;ing hike off of this thread..Not everything is in black or white..your callous remarks and uncaring attitude show you to be who you are..you contradict yourself..you say you have regard for koan and then immediately give a whatever remark...thats cold..i am losing any respect i ever had for you.
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Pheasy, I am completely in support of anyone who reports a rape. I am also completely in support of anyone who chooses to not report it. Where am I being closed to opinions here? I'm pretty darn sure about the decision I made and extremely sure about my right to have made that decision myself. If someone wants to criticise me, go ahead but why should I start doubting what I did? On the contrary, I am providing evidence to support the wisdom of my choice.
I have no idea why anyone thinks I was reacting emotionally when I started this thread. I split it from the other thread because it was a secondary issue unrelated to the main focus of the thread it came up in. Did I curse? I believe well into the thread I used the word bullshit but, I don't see any evidence of my being abusive or flustered.
Other people feel way more upset when I mention I was raped but I'm not about to change my policy of openness on the topic.
I have no idea why anyone thinks I was reacting emotionally when I started this thread. I split it from the other thread because it was a secondary issue unrelated to the main focus of the thread it came up in. Did I curse? I believe well into the thread I used the word bullshit but, I don't see any evidence of my being abusive or flustered.
Other people feel way more upset when I mention I was raped but I'm not about to change my policy of openness on the topic.
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How many even said they were sorry for the ordeal koan went through..even i can see that most said why wasnt it reported? to save the next person...and no; i am not upset..i just read the responses with interest..and the reactions..like many others i am sure..
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REd glitter..your pm is arrogant and telling..i ceased to be your friends a long time ago eh? thank you.you are now on my ignore list..
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RedGlitter
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You are way out of line [personal name removed].
I notice you pick and choose when it's convenient for your buddies. Either be a FAIR moderator or hush up about it.
Not to mention I had the class to tell you privately.
I notice you pick and choose when it's convenient for your buddies. Either be a FAIR moderator or hush up about it.
Not to mention I had the class to tell you privately.
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:-5:-5:-5
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This shouldn't be a 'you're with me or against me' scenario.
Opinions are opinions. Friends can disagree. No one should ever suppress their opinion for worry of losing a friend.
Opinions are opinions. Friends can disagree. No one should ever suppress their opinion for worry of losing a friend.
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anybody that cannot tolerate a difference of opinion without calling off their friendship was never a true friend anyway...
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Clear this thread up for me. Is it a discussion over the issue of not reporting rapes, or Koan's personal experience?
"Girls are crazy! I'm not ever getting married, I can make my own sandwiches!"
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Unreported Rape
Sheryl;723474 wrote: Clear this thread up for me. Is it a discussion over the issue of not reporting rapes, or Koan's personal experience?
I think it went from 'discussion over not reporting rapes' to 'opinions based on black and white' views, to defending what was said, to 'valuing all opinions', to misunderstandings, to pm's, to now I think I will go to bed :wah: :-4
I think it went from 'discussion over not reporting rapes' to 'opinions based on black and white' views, to defending what was said, to 'valuing all opinions', to misunderstandings, to pm's, to now I think I will go to bed :wah: :-4
Unreported Rape
It is about the general issue of not reporting rape. I am proposing that it is a legitimate decision to not report. Additionally, victims are advised to not lay charges if there is no chance of conviction.
I don't mind discussing my personal experiences to explain my point of view but I am only one of a massive number of people who all have their own unique and personal experiences as well.
I don't mind discussing my personal experiences to explain my point of view but I am only one of a massive number of people who all have their own unique and personal experiences as well.
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chonsigirl
- Posts: 33633
- Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am
Unreported Rape
I think that for you to discuss it is very brave, koan. I think many would not want to remember these things, or have never dealt with them. Sometimes blocking them out of the mind seems the sensible solution at the time, and time just goes on and you do not think of it.
Unreported Rape
A counselor once told me that some people never get over rape and other people just go on as if they took a punch and it is over. I'm more like the latter category but I understand if people have more trouble.
The most important factor was to realise that blame and anger do not help healing.
The most liberating thing that counselor told me at the end of our talk was that I hadn't drawn the experiences to me. There are a lot of assholes out there and I just happened to encounter some of them. At that moment all sense of burden left me.
Every time I speak about it, someone somewhere might heal a little bit more.
The most important factor was to realise that blame and anger do not help healing.
The most liberating thing that counselor told me at the end of our talk was that I hadn't drawn the experiences to me. There are a lot of assholes out there and I just happened to encounter some of them. At that moment all sense of burden left me.
Every time I speak about it, someone somewhere might heal a little bit more.
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chonsigirl
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- Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2005 8:28 am
Unreported Rape
That is true, by talking about it there could be some who heal from this.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past.
Unreported Rape
chonsigirl;723491 wrote: That is true, by talking about it there could be some who heal from this.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past.
It does happen now.
I'll relink that article I put earlier as it is just flowing with information and facts on how hard it is to successfully charge someone with rape.
link
Not only is it difficult but the victim can end up being sued for slander.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past.
It does happen now.
I'll relink that article I put earlier as it is just flowing with information and facts on how hard it is to successfully charge someone with rape.
link
Not only is it difficult but the victim can end up being sued for slander.
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WonderWendy3
- Posts: 12412
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:44 am
Unreported Rape
koan;723486 wrote: A counselor once told me that some people never get over rape and other people just go on as if they took a punch and it is over. I'm more like the latter category but I understand if people have more trouble.
The most important factor was to realise that blame and anger do not help healing.
The most liberating thing that counselor told me at the end of our talk was that I hadn't drawn the experiences to me. There are a lot of assholes out there and I just happened to encounter some of them. At that moment all sense of burden left me.
Every time I speak about it, someone somewhere might heal a little bit more.
I agree with this and there are so many women that won't talk about it, as if it never happened...I was convinced it was MY fault that it happened to me, so i didn't report it, and was told that no-one would believe me....I ALWAYS took showers afterwards...and only once did I tell someone...and they called me a liar....
chonsigirl;723491 wrote: That is true, by talking about it there could be some who heal from this.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past. Very well said Chonsi, I agree with you also.
There was a lot of what everyone said that I agree with...and of course we touched on the personal point of view. I think it was well said by Bryn, that until you are in that situation, you aren't sure of what you would do.
I, myself was raped by two different people and both of them, I knew, loved and trusted. The first one took my virginity and is now what they call "date rape"....and the second attacker was my ex-husband. Of course I didn't report him...who would believe me????
The most important factor was to realise that blame and anger do not help healing.
The most liberating thing that counselor told me at the end of our talk was that I hadn't drawn the experiences to me. There are a lot of assholes out there and I just happened to encounter some of them. At that moment all sense of burden left me.
Every time I speak about it, someone somewhere might heal a little bit more.
I agree with this and there are so many women that won't talk about it, as if it never happened...I was convinced it was MY fault that it happened to me, so i didn't report it, and was told that no-one would believe me....I ALWAYS took showers afterwards...and only once did I tell someone...and they called me a liar....
chonsigirl;723491 wrote: That is true, by talking about it there could be some who heal from this.
I think most do not talk about it, because of the "stigma" attached to it, and the questions of why, guilt, and endlessly reliving it.
Then on the other hand, there are those times when if it is reported, it is not believed. That does not happen now, with modern medical procedures to verify this. But it was not so in the past. Very well said Chonsi, I agree with you also.
There was a lot of what everyone said that I agree with...and of course we touched on the personal point of view. I think it was well said by Bryn, that until you are in that situation, you aren't sure of what you would do.
I, myself was raped by two different people and both of them, I knew, loved and trusted. The first one took my virginity and is now what they call "date rape"....and the second attacker was my ex-husband. Of course I didn't report him...who would believe me????
Unreported Rape
It is sad but true. Unless the rapist was a stranger and a weapon was involved the chances of charges even being laid are slim and then slim again for conviction.
Rape will always exist. The important thing continues to be helping people heal from it. Whatever helps the victim is the right thing to do. Most rape is committed by someone you know. That's why I find it odd that so many are afraid of being attacked by strangers.
Rape will always exist. The important thing continues to be helping people heal from it. Whatever helps the victim is the right thing to do. Most rape is committed by someone you know. That's why I find it odd that so many are afraid of being attacked by strangers.
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Kathy Ellen
- Posts: 10569
- Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 4:04 pm
Unreported Rape
[QUOTE=koan;723360]To split this from another thread, as so many people have opinions on it, what is the benefit of reporting a rape to which there is no proof or witnesses?
Has anyone here been raped and how did you feel about it?
Has anyone here been raped and how did you feel about it?
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I appreciate anyone being brave enough to discuss their own experiences in this thread and urge anyone not comfortable to not feel bad for staying silent. I'm always happy to talk in PMs if anyone needs to say something but wants privacy.
Feelings? The first time I blocked it and lost a large number of years from my memories. The second time I felt mostly responsible as I'd agreed to go into the room with the guy then confused because I had thought of him as my first love and didn't know how he could have done what he did. Third time I was in shock for a few days then had a "friend" tell me it was my fault so it took a long time to figure out if I had any real friends. Fourth time I was in shock again for a few days, realised that there was no way of charging him so I got revenge my own way. No he wasn't assaulted by anyone at my request. I did, however, cost him his job and $18, 000
Feelings? The first time I blocked it and lost a large number of years from my memories. The second time I felt mostly responsible as I'd agreed to go into the room with the guy then confused because I had thought of him as my first love and didn't know how he could have done what he did. Third time I was in shock for a few days then had a "friend" tell me it was my fault so it took a long time to figure out if I had any real friends. Fourth time I was in shock again for a few days, realised that there was no way of charging him so I got revenge my own way. No he wasn't assaulted by anyone at my request. I did, however, cost him his job and $18, 000
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My ex husband raped me years ago..cost me a partial hysterectomy and surgery..
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That's terrible, Finn. I'm lucky I didn't suffer any permanent damage.
I know you've managed to get power back from that relationship. I hope it helped you put the rest behind as well.
I know you've managed to get power back from that relationship. I hope it helped you put the rest behind as well.
Unreported Rape
Koan makes a valid point and started a thread which needed to be made as there was some closed-minded ignorance in the other thread. What she posted helps other women who didn't overcome it as strongly as she did. Then there are others who maliciously prove her point as to why some women make the decision NOT to report it. RG seemed to imply that rape victims owe her something. Perhaps she should try and consider their needs first?
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G-man;723512 wrote: RG seemed to imply that rape victims owe her something. Perhaps she should try and consider their needs first?
Please tell me where RG implies this??
Please tell me where RG implies this??
"Girls are crazy! I'm not ever getting married, I can make my own sandwiches!"
my son
my son