Granny An' Th' Tooter

[4rum]

Granny and the Tooter

Granny saw her last birthday

From the backside of eighty two

So ninety ain't so far away

Hence nothing works like new

Her mem'ry left her years ago

Her teeth weren't far behind

Might explain, though, you know

The stuff on which she dined

Soup an' goop an' smelly fare

Like lots of boiled up cabbage

While in the past 'slips' were rare

Since spring they'd gotten savage

Seems when Granny's hearing went

Her pucker string went with it

Though she thought silence heaven sent

To us the scent was sh*t

Now folks what were we to do

It's Thanksgiving after all

So sitting there without a clue

Sits Granny like a doll

Flowered dress an' rosey cheeks

Hair up in a bun

Then the fear we'd had for weeks

Granny up an' cut one

'Pheep' Whew, thank the Lord

It was just a little squeeker

The bliss brought Granny great reward

She couldn't look much meeker

With folded hands an' bowing head

And sweetly smiling face

'Pheeer... rit... rit... rit' her pooter said

As I was saying grace

Turkey plate to plate was passed

With mashed 'taters an' the rolls

When came a mighty gaseous blast

From Granny, bless 'er soul

'Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep' the tooter loudly rang

Upon that hardwood chair

To crack a window, up I sprang

The family needed air

With one hand Sissy pinched her nose

Kept eating with the other

When Granny let a good'un go

Dethroning Sissy's brother

The curtains took a caste of brown

The wall paint peeled in patches

As Granny fired another round

Of 'kraut an' kitchen matches

It sounded like the flapper

That baffeled Granny's gas

Had turned into a rapper

Unwrapped in Granny's a$$

'Pherrrrrr rit a pit a phitt to to

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rappa rappa rap'

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you

Ours turned out like crap!!!

© 2007 Sam Richmond