8 years of hell

[Dizz]

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship to all who know us, including our kids. The truth is, we are falling apart. He tells me he is heart broken, I just haven't been 'loving' enough to him... meaning I don't always sacrifice every waking moment to him. Sometimes I would rather play on the computer than do the dishes. Or the house isn't as clean as he wants all the time. The straw that broke his heart was when I was supposed to do a job and I was too busy/tired to do it. He took it personally. He on the other hand works inhumanly hard and resents when I don't. He does try to make me happy, but at the same time he tells me that I don't love him enough. It's true, I don't love him enough to be a different person than I am. I try to be as loving as I can, while being a human being.

We have been married for almost 14 years and have gone through hard times. I went about 5 years without any friends, either because he asked me to cut them off or we moved to a new city. He has been hit by a car, we starting with NOTHING. I was a stay-at-home mom. It was hard to take. Now he's in love with another woman and I believe him when he says it's totally not physical. He's not the type to lie about anything.

We agreed to keep going until the kids are grown, about 8 years away. He told me he feels no hope to mend his broken heart. I'm quickly losing hope too. Gawd, am I losing my mind or am I really that bad? :-5 :-5 :-5

[Patsy Warnick]

Dizz

I'm sorry - how indemph would you like us to discuss this.??

Patsy

[Sheryl]

Sounds to me like you are suffering from depression. And it sucks, I know, been there. :-2



I've also been in your shoes with the rest of your story, and I"m willing to talk if you wanna!

[Patsy Warnick]

Oh, sheryl - its definately depression

Its control on the husbands part - its alot of things

Thats why I asked Dizz how far & what else is there? - the obvious is in the writing - its too bad - saddens me.

Patsy

[minks]

Oh Dizz how very sad, the break down of a marriage is awful, and I don't believe sticking together for the sake of the kids always is a good thing, they see unhappy parents and they will grow to be unhappy children. Of course I am not trying to sway you there likely is far more reasons such as financial, etc to stick out the 8 years.

I would take these gals advise can come chat.

Huggs

Minks

[Patsy Warnick]

Minks

I think Dizz is in a terrible situation - terrible compromise

She hasn't left because her husband browe beats her - she thinks she's going out of her mind..

This situation is further than thinking she has a terrible marriage.

She really needs our support on the belittling aspect - she doesn't have the strength to decide.

Patsy

[minks]

Patsy Warnick;705408 wrote: Minks

I think Dizz is in a terrible situation - terrible compromise

She hasn't left because her husband browe beats her - she thinks she's going out of her mind..

This situation is further than thinking she has a terrible marriage.

She really needs our support on the belittling aspect - she doesn't have the strength to decide.

Patsy


Oooooo my misreading so sorry PW, and sorry to you too Dizz. I hope you will feel comfortable discussing this and maybe feel good that you have support among FG members.

[Dizz]

Thanks, everybody. Seriously, the kids have no idea. We don't yell, or hit or scream. We quietly discuss. They think we are the perfect couple. I told J. that I think I was depressed during those 5 years. Esp., since I was crying almost every day for a while. For everything from the lack of friends to missing my family. Now, I have friends and nice coworkers so my people need is being met now.

Anyway, go as in depth as you like. I've been holding this in a long time. I just told my best friend about this, she was shocked.

There are lots of reasons to wait. The kids are #1. They HAVE to grow up in a safe, secure, whole home. It's not worth wrecking their lives just because we don't feel the same about each other. Also, I don't have a good enough job to support myself so I need to go back to school. (I have a plan to be a radiology tech.) We are also in debt to our eyeballs, so it would help everything to pay it off first. That would probably help the relationship too.

[watermark]

Hi Dizz-

What the others have said I agree. How much do you want to talk on here? Are you in need of some 'happy' pills? Should you stick it out for financial reasons?

I am reminded of the love languages though. Not that I think my marriage could have been saved by this type of understanding, but for yours, yes, maybe. Google 'Love Language". Not remember the author but it talks about how people feel loved. Your husband seems to be one who feels valued and loved when you give him the love of service. Can't really remember each, though there are five of them. Physical, service, hmm, let me google it and I'll get back to you. Not sure how to link up from a forum like this.

I always want to encourage couples. I personally do NOT want to be encouraged so if you don't either, maybe you have the answer to your problem.

goodluck and love longevity to you,

Erin

[Patsy Warnick]

Minks

Oh, don't apologize - I love your imput. I had asked Dizz how in depth she wanted to discuss this - that was the 1st repy.

I guess I'm seeing more then others.

I see a lady under control - depressed - confused - insecure - everything..

and yes her marriage sucks.

Patsy

[minks]

Patsy Warnick;705418 wrote: Minks

Oh, don't apologize - I love your imput. I had asked Dizz how in depth she wanted to discuss this - that was the 1st repy.

I guess I'm seeing more then others.

I see a lady under control - depressed - confused - insecure - everything..

and yes her marriage sucks.

Patsy


with 8 long years ahead of her.. it sounds so glum

[Sheryl]

Dizz;705413 wrote: Thanks, everybody. Seriously, the kids have no idea. We don't yell, or hit or scream. We quietly discuss. They think we are the perfect couple. I told J. that I think I was depressed during those 5 years. Esp., since I was crying almost every day for a while. For everything from the lack of friends to missing my family. Now, I have friends and nice coworkers so my people need is being met now.

Anyway, go as in depth as you like. I've been holding this in a long time. I just told my best friend about this, she was shocked.

There are lots of reasons to wait. The kids are #1. They HAVE to grow up in a safe, secure, whole home. It's not worth wrecking their lives just because we don't feel the same about each other. Also, I don't have a good enough job to support myself so I need to go back to school. (I have a plan to be a radiology tech.) We are also in debt to our eyeballs, so it would help everything to pay it off first. That would probably help the relationship too.


Kids are smart, they are gonna pick up on the fact that thier parents are not happily married. Don't be fooled in thinking they don't know that you and your husband are unhappy with each other. And in my opinion staying in a marriage just for the sake of the kids is wrong, espicially if you or spouse do not want to work on making your relationship better. Plus if you did stay in the marriage with things the way they are, think of how it's gonna affect the kids when they grow up and get married.

[Patsy Warnick]

Dizz

Don't kid yourself - kids know everything

You are in denial.

I would suggest seeking counsel for yourself.

Good luck

Patsy

[Peg]

Dizz;705391 wrote: Now he's in love with another woman


He wants his cake and to eat it too and you agree? What if the other woman decides she wants more? What sacrifices is your husband making?

[Dizz]

I'm feeling a bit better. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just going to have to start protecting myself and be smart about this. Who knows? One interesting thing is, his father is neurotic to a crippling degree of worry and paranoia. J. Asked me to let him know if he starts acting like his dad. My problem is, how do you separate normal from a mental problem? Even if it is, would it change anything?

[Tater Tazz]

Good luck on whatever you decide. I have been with my husband 8 years also, Because of what he did, I can never forgive him. I am also waiting for my little one to grow before I do anything. For my theory is, if you can not trust him, There is no relationship.

[along-for-the-ride]

A hug for you, Dizz.

To me, marriage is supposed to be a commitment between two people. not one. 8 years? Maybe less. Depending upon alot of things on his side...............his girlfriends demands would be one of those things. Your children will notice, I promise you and their sense of what a marriage is supposed to be will be distorted.

It's time to think about you and, no, this is not being selfish. To be the best mother you can be for your children, you have to take care of yourself. You have a right to demand better for yourself.............we are talking 8 years of your life..and your childrens life.

The choice is yours, ofcourse. This is your life and your childrens.

[Patsy Warnick]

Dizz,

We all here at FG feel for you. You have several contributing negatives in your life and your telling "us things are better" - "kids really don't know" -

You posted you felt sick - lonely - under control - husbands infidelity - depression

everything is better now.?

Dizz - bottom line, Life is Short - are you happy? are you appreciated? Loved? Respected?

Don't do this to yourself and don't stay together for the kids - it won't work.

Don't mask this out of balance relationship / family bliss, with your new schooling.

Don't get me wrong - education is everything - Timing - things should be better with you out of the house.

Dizz - your kids know from several ways - over hearing - no affection - no one is home - and - and - and - your young - things will not be better the longer you stay & stay together.



Good luck

Patsy

[RedGlitter]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, Dizz.

I agree with the others about the kids. They'll know eventually and if you stay you'll be showing them that you're living a lie. Not good. Commitment is wonderful but not when only one person is doing the committing.

I want to understand...he says you don't love him enough because the house isn't clean enough and because you spend time on the computer? Is that how he measures love? Is he capable of cleaning the house? Does he help with it or expect you to do it all? Why did he tell you to abandon your friends? That seems like controlling behavior.



No one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Maybe you do need to keep a neater house or spend more time with him and less on the computer, we don't know. But that said, that all could be just an excuse for him to justify the other woman.



All I can say is that I wouldn't be giving him eight more years of housecleaning and whatever else you do if he was interested in another woman. That's eight years of your life shot to hell. What's he sacrificing in this?

[weeder]

Dizz.... Since reading your post, I am finding it difficult to breathe, having lived under similar conditions for years. Patsy has incredible insight. Jim Jones painted a futuristic picture for you that is very real.

It is unfortunate that more often then not, relationships have to be power plays. One party trying to control, or destroy the other. Leaving these relationships behind is a difficult and painful thing to do. But the ramifications of staying are more damaging then anything you will have to deal with if you leave. If you get depressed enough, long enough, you will be paralysed from doing anything, and your entire life will pass you by. I can promise you this,, when your controller is ready to make a change... he will go. Debt or no debt he will do what is best for him, and what makes him happy. Quietly make your own plans.... to leave. Your self esteem will soar as you face the challenges of making a life of your own, free from manipulation and opression.

And you will also be ending a situation that eventually, surely will threaten your health. How dare he tell you hes in love with someone else... how cruel.

Love yourself. It truly is the key to leading a peaceful, productive, and happy life. Best wishes to you. I wish so much I could help you. I cant stand hearing about women in these situations. I wish I could start a colony. Bring all of the victims there, and give them some of the praise, love and freedom to be who they are. It is what ever human being deserves.

[cherandbuster]

weeder;705924 wrote: Love yourself. It truly is the key to leading a peaceful, productive, and happy life. Best wishes to you.


Words of wisdom said with kindness. :-4

[Dizz]

Well, at least he's nothing if not honest. I love him truely and I'm not ready to let him go yet. He measures love by effort. Into our partnership. I'm in charge inside and he's got the outside. I tried to help with the business and he didn't want my help anymore when I'd complain that I got hot and dusty with spines in my hand. Then I wasn't much in the mood to do a lot til later in the day. He does incredible things for me on my birthday/anniversary/whatever. The problem is he's 'heartbroken' and says he loves me. Those are opposites to me. He doesn't act interested, but he was concerned when I woke up crying this morning cuz I didn't get a goodnight hug....

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Patsy Warnick]

Dizz

You said it - "your not ready to let go for him"..

Thats it in a nut shell.

Until you feel worthy of more - until you get your stomach full of his bs you will stay.

In the mean time - you've made a decission to subject your kids to your abnormal relationship.

You have more than a HUG to cry about..

Good luck

Patsy

[weeder]

Abnormal becomes normal to those of us addicted to painful relationships.

We can actually miss them when they are gone, because feeling upset, and heart break become a way of life. As we grow older we see that there are all kinds of love. What it means to one person, is not what it means to someone else. God Bless you, it takes great fortitude, and short sightedness to hang in there. Whatever you do, dont join any womens groups. It will ruin everything. Not being mean. Just trying to find something humorous about this. Fat chance!

[Patsy Warnick]

Weeder:-3

your so right, thats my point - Abnormal becomes Normal

they do miss the pain & heartache because it has become a way of life.

I asked how indepth would Dizz want to hear.?? I suggested a therapist since there so much involved here. She's not ready to let this wonderful husband go yet. Dizz's cried because she didn't get a hug.?

Until Dizz feels she is worthy -

Dizz - have you had a chance to really see how your kids feel (not knowing age?)

Do you have them explain what they draw/color ?

Do you regularly check with their teachers on their attitude - peformance?

Do you ease drop on them to hear a conversation - anything?

And the issue of your husband - have you 2 tried counseling ?

just curious...

Patsy

[WonderWendy3]

Dizz, I feel for you also and know how you are feeling. I've been there. I know that many have offered great advice and I would be redundant to post the same. I hope things get better for you,

I can offer from experience:

I was married to a control freak and I tried to stay in the marriage for the children and I was trying to make him happy, being who he wanted me to be, he isolated me from all friends and family, I wasn't allowed on the internet and wasn't allowed to talk to anyone unless he was around to listen to the conversation. When he finally realized that I wasn't ever going to be the person he wanted to make me out to be, he left me to fend for myself with 3 boys....and as hard as that was and still is...I'm so so very thankful, because I have "Wendy" back, she's funny, beautiful, full of strength and doesn't take crap from no one....it took me about 3 years to find her, but she's here, and she still has her moments, but for the most part....I really love Wendy!! I hope you get to that point in your life also...and your FG family will be here to help you darlin'.:-4:-4

[Dizz]

Heartbreak to me says no love is there. It is an ending of love. To my husband, I think it means he loves me, but no longer likes me/cares.

Also, I'm catholic with parents to stayed together until my dad died. They were civil and showed little affection. Divorce is another planet for me, so it's hard to comprehend.

I love myself enough to pursue my own interests, despite his lack of support for them. He hates my computer and even threatened to destroy it a few times. I still do this for my own happiness. I love to read, and lately contact juggle. CJ has been very therapeutic for me, because it's like achieving the impossible. I might even start making money on it someday.

BTW, we had a nice evening last night watching Twelfth Night in the park. Shivering under blankets.

[Indian Princess]

It sounds like depression, however, dont take all the blame girl, and dont think that a person wouldnt ever lie to you, sometimes people will tell themselves it's best that you dont know, because it would hurt you too much, bullshit, that is a selfish act. Also, I have been there, Icouldnt get past a broken heart from my ex,

If you want to discuss this in depth pm me ok.



IP