Satanic act!

[joesoap]

Gross Satanic Indecency

Two local men appeared in court today charged with committing acts of lude and licentious behavior, gross indecency and abuse of a mental, physical and sexual nature, involving of a van, parked overnight, at Chez MoTour Hire Vans Ltd, Alnwick. On 21st December, the two men, convicted Satanist Reginald Parsnip (39) of 20 The Shiteings, Alnwick and Algonquin Chipchase (37) of 7 Chernobyl Crescent, Chillingham, who can be named for legal reasons, were said to have consentingly and mutually decided to frolic with said van. The court heard that the men were apprehended after an anonymous tip off by itinerant charcoal burner, Rosanne Flotar, of Lesbury. Allegedly on walking past Mill Studios, after a heavy nights drinking at the Turd and Shovel, at approximately 12.07 on the morning of 21st, she witnessed two men apparently naked and frozen to the van in question. Police arrived, and shortly, after scratching their heads for a bit, managed to ease Mr. Chipchase's private parts from the van's exhaust pipe, using several pints of boiling water. Mr. Parsnip however, was a different kettle of salmon. His tongue, frozen solid in the subzero temperatures to the windscreen of the van required mechanical assistance from the Fire Brigade. After one hour and thirty-seven minutes, they managed to free him using cutting gear. Mr. Chipchase stated in court that he was cajoled into performing an act of sacrificial thanksgiving by Mr. Parsnip, a man previously convicted for the publication of the satanic verse, hitherto known by many second hand bookshops as 'Lick Your Car, Taste Its Colour'. Mr. Parsnip, previous to the assault, allegedly stated to Mr. Chipchase that the act upon the van was in order to give thanks to the planning department of Alnwick District Council for the permission to build an extension on his existing abode. This act of thanksgiving was pagan in origin and directed towards the Ancient Aztec God of Gratitude, Thanxalotle. Judge Growler of Yetholm heard Mr. Chipchase state in his defense that the drink and hypothetically weak character lead him to perpetrate such acts of wanton abandonment upon private property. Mr. Parsnip was unable to comment verbally due to excessive facial bandaging. The men were granted bail; the case was adjourned for six weeks. :-2