Tales from school (long)

[abbey]

From todays Sunday people.

EXAM QUESTIONS



Q: How would you share 20p between four men?



A: I wouldn't because it's hardly worth it.



Q: If six boys and five girls want to go to the farm for their outing, how many would that be altogether?



A: All of them, Miss.



Q: What name did God give the first man?



A: Adam.



Q: And the first lady?



A: Did he call her Madam, Miss?



Q: Name a bird with a long neck



A: Naomi Campbell.



Q: Explain what a ratio is?



A: I think he was a sailor.



Q: Name a famous Royal



A: Mail



Q: What safety advice would you give to somebody working with acids and reactive materials?



A: BE CAREFUL!



Q: What is the purpose of a placenta?



A: It's where you leave children when you do your shopping.



Q: Why do you think it is important for houses to have windows?



A: It gives you a chance to see burglars before they can get in.



Q: Who was Mozart?



A: He was a child orgy.



Q: Describe a tangerine?



A: It's the smallest of the percussion family.



Q: Write what you know about Beethoven.



A: He was a great composer who wrote many works. He also had a large family and used to practise on the spinster upstairs.



Q: What do you know about Red China?



A: It looks nice on a white tablecloth.



Q: What is rhubarb?



A: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.



SILLY SCHOOL SIGNS



PLEASE do not feed the ducks. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the teachers on duty.



DON'T throw away aluminium cans or bottles. Year 7 are saving them to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.



TOILET out of order. Please use floor below.



SIGN on a music department entrance: Bach after lunch.



THE head will be away for the rest of the week. Massages can be given to his secretary.



MRS Thomas Kennings' class for children of pre-school age will be resumed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9am to noon. A slight smack will be served at about 10.30am.



PARENTS who consider that the behaviour of pupils is unacceptable and uncivil should see the head teacher.



LOST in school yesterday - tan leather wallet, containing photographs, personal cuttings, and £50. Finder may keep photographs, clippings and the wallet, but the owner has a personal attachment to the money.



ASSISTANT cook required for St Anselm's secondary school ( no objection to sex.)



MRS Kearnye would be grateful for anything you want to get rid of for the Christmas fayre on Thursday evening. Why not come and bring your parents?



BELL out of use, please use knockers.



LETTERS FROM PARENTS



JOHN will be off until Friday. He has a cole slaw on his top lip.



ELIZABETH has been absent because her mother has had twins. I can assure you it will not happen again.



I AM asking you not to use corporal punishment on George. We never do except in self-defence.



I HAVE some good news and bad news for you. First of all, the good news - I will be taking my son away on Friday. Now the bad news - he will return in time for school on Monday.



PLEASE excuse Jimmy for being late. It was his father's fault.



IT was true what my son Harry has already told you. He was in the fish and chip shop when some of your pupils came in and battered him.



I'M SORRY that Mary wasn't at school yesterday but she had dire rear.



EVEN though Jane left early for the bus, she had to come back with her stomach.



MY son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.



PLEASE excuse John from school today as his father's ill and the pig has to be fed.



CAREERS



DOING work experience is the start of "adultery" life.



I WOULD like to be a braim surgian.



I WANT to be a pote.



I WANT to be a butcher because I like meating people.



ASKED at a careers day if he was a natural born British subject, a pupil replied: "No, by Caesarian section."



TEACHERS



IF you can't keep quiet, shut up!



TEACHER'S instructions on how to use Pritt Stick: "Take off the top and push up the bottom."



I WANT to hear it so quiet that we can hear a mouse dropping.



ALL right, everyone, line up alphabetically according to height.



SOME children have been behaving very childishly.



AS the school's headmaster, I am, of course, the shepherd of the flock. I see our deputy head, Mr Cochrane, as the little crook on the staff.

[john8pies]

Great! And not forgetting Family Fortune type answers like, "We asked 100 people to name something which is red"......"My wife`s cardigan, Les?!"

"Name something which contains a silicon chip" " A fish frier, Les?!"

"Name something you see when you look outside" "My wallpaper, Les?!"

[Rapunzel]

abbey wrote:

SIGN on a music department entrance: Bach after lunch.




Bach after lunch.....gone Chopin!



Excellent Liszt!!! :wah: