i was married to a man that was very abusive to me and my daughter. Emotionally, and verbal.
during this marriage i found out that i had cancer and might not make it through chemo.
so instead of this man getting my daughter i let my mother adopt her in case something happened to me.
well now it is three years later and i am still here not married to the abusive man but i am in a relationship with a very loving caring man even for my daughter who is 11 now. I had a procedure done the other day and when they let me leave the hospital i was still very drowsy. So i went home and went to sleep my soon to be husband put my daughter to bed and accidentally fell asleep beside her.
two or three days after the procedure i was telling my mother how i felt after the procedure and she asked about my daughter and i told her what happened.
well the next day she came down to get my daughter to spend the night with her before school started and she has not let my daughter come home since.
she says that she is not going to let her come home ever!!!!!!
she asked my daughter all kinds of questions about what happened when my soon to be husband put her to bed andmy daughter said nothing happened. but my mother refuses to let her come home and has enrolled her in the school in her district.
i know that i should not have let him do that but i was not in my right mind at the time still drugged up from procedure. and i have fixed that prob to where it will not happen again but i think that my mother should have gave me a heads up on how she felt and we might could resolved it with out all of the hurt that is going around.
what do u think should happen just looking for an unbiased opinion
please help
please help
You mother is looking out for your daughter, you have come from an abusive relationship where she has seen both yourself and your daughter hurt. She probably does not have great faith in your judgment of character.
You need to sit down with your mom and your daughter together and sort this out, further more you daughter is old enough to speak her mind on such matters. If she is telling your mom that nothing happened then your mom should trust her, it is not like she is 6 years old and would not know what was happening to her if she was being assaulted.
If you have given legal custody to your mom, then you need to approach this from the understanding that she has a legal right to her actions.
You need to sit down with your mom and your daughter together and sort this out, further more you daughter is old enough to speak her mind on such matters. If she is telling your mom that nothing happened then your mom should trust her, it is not like she is 6 years old and would not know what was happening to her if she was being assaulted.
If you have given legal custody to your mom, then you need to approach this from the understanding that she has a legal right to her actions.
please help
Many years ago there was a book and a movie entitled The Good Mother. A single mom lost custody of her child for an incident similar to yours. As a single mother myself, at the time... I was always paranoid about finding myself in the situation you are in. Unless your mother is a mean or unreasonable woman, I am certain she was just protecting your child. You already know from experience that husbands may come and go... blood is what you can always rely on. If you proceed and marry this man, maybe things will straighten out I dont think he should have layed down with her. for exactly what happened with your mom. He should have had the forsight to know this could happen. Think about everything if you can. With what you are going through medically, maybe this is not the best time to make major decisions.
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Patsy Warnick
- Posts: 4567
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am
please help
You've been given good advise - I agree you should all sit down and discuss this issue (you & daughter & mom).
After that discussion - you should include this new man in the conversation - your mother should feel comfortable & secure with this man - before your daughter is returned.
I have a question - how well do you know this new man?
Does he need to live with you? or was this just to assist you?
I don't like the sounds of this - I wouldn't want a "MAN" laying down next to a family member, so I don't disagree with your mothers choice.
I would find out more about this MAN - you can't afford any other complications.
Good luck - and please keep us posted on the end result.
Patsy
After that discussion - you should include this new man in the conversation - your mother should feel comfortable & secure with this man - before your daughter is returned.
I have a question - how well do you know this new man?
Does he need to live with you? or was this just to assist you?
I don't like the sounds of this - I wouldn't want a "MAN" laying down next to a family member, so I don't disagree with your mothers choice.
I would find out more about this MAN - you can't afford any other complications.
Good luck - and please keep us posted on the end result.
Patsy
please help
first of all thanks for all the advice and sincere wishes.
second of all i have known this man for 22 years and he is a good and descent man.
third, i did go and talk to the grandmother and grandfather with my child and i have been able to bring her home.
still dont know about regaining legal custody yet. i am going to give them the chance to give her legally back to me before i take it to court.
i have fixed the situation with the sleeping arrangments. my daughter now has her room completely fixed and ready for her to sleep in it without anyone.
again thanks for the adivce and i will keep u all posted
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE
second of all i have known this man for 22 years and he is a good and descent man.
third, i did go and talk to the grandmother and grandfather with my child and i have been able to bring her home.
still dont know about regaining legal custody yet. i am going to give them the chance to give her legally back to me before i take it to court.
i have fixed the situation with the sleeping arrangments. my daughter now has her room completely fixed and ready for her to sleep in it without anyone.
again thanks for the adivce and i will keep u all posted
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE
please help
It now has been almost 4 1/2 weeks since i have spoken to my mother.
My father did call and said that i needed to go to counceling or that they would come and get my child. for the sake of my child i did go to a therapist and this is what they said.
They did not understand why I was there but that they would see me long enough for me to get my child back. When i called my father and told him what they said he said that he did not know what my mom was going to do. Whether she is going to leave the child with me or not.
I contacted a lawyer and they said that since my daughter had lived with me her entire life, the adoption might could be voided out.
I told the lawyer and the therapist what had happened and what my mother had said and they dont know what to think.
What would u think if ur mother told u that u were a low life, that she must have not done a very good job at raising me considering how i turned out, that i was a whore who did not care about thier child?
I do know that her and my dad was going to sell the house and everything that went with it because he decided to left my daughter come back home. but they talked to a preacher and i guess he told them that if i was the problem then they should stay away from me for awhile because i have spoken to my family only once since i brought my child back home.
Well we are having to go to court because of all this and my daughter is in the middle of it and that is not fair. She is scared at school because she doesn't know if her grandmother is going to come and get her and not let her come home again.
The other day the grandmother went and picked up the other grandchild at school and my daughter seen her and went beserek. they had to send her to the guidence office to calm down and they called me in order for my daughter to calm down.
In the event that i do get legally custody of my daughter back i am going to make a will that if my cancer does get worse or if i was to die for any reason that she will hopefully get to live with my best friend and her husband and kids.
PLEASE KEEP US IN UR PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS
My father did call and said that i needed to go to counceling or that they would come and get my child. for the sake of my child i did go to a therapist and this is what they said.
They did not understand why I was there but that they would see me long enough for me to get my child back. When i called my father and told him what they said he said that he did not know what my mom was going to do. Whether she is going to leave the child with me or not.
I contacted a lawyer and they said that since my daughter had lived with me her entire life, the adoption might could be voided out.
I told the lawyer and the therapist what had happened and what my mother had said and they dont know what to think.
What would u think if ur mother told u that u were a low life, that she must have not done a very good job at raising me considering how i turned out, that i was a whore who did not care about thier child?
I do know that her and my dad was going to sell the house and everything that went with it because he decided to left my daughter come back home. but they talked to a preacher and i guess he told them that if i was the problem then they should stay away from me for awhile because i have spoken to my family only once since i brought my child back home.
Well we are having to go to court because of all this and my daughter is in the middle of it and that is not fair. She is scared at school because she doesn't know if her grandmother is going to come and get her and not let her come home again.
The other day the grandmother went and picked up the other grandchild at school and my daughter seen her and went beserek. they had to send her to the guidence office to calm down and they called me in order for my daughter to calm down.
In the event that i do get legally custody of my daughter back i am going to make a will that if my cancer does get worse or if i was to die for any reason that she will hopefully get to live with my best friend and her husband and kids.
PLEASE KEEP US IN UR PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS
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Patsy Warnick
- Posts: 4567
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am
please help
This is a difficult situtation as we here at FG really don't know all the details involved. There seems to be more involved and a messy at best back round.
Your young and now strapped with cancer and a custody situation with your parents.
I feel your somewhere in this journey your parents have good reason for their actions. Yes, I'm sorry for the cancer - as my husband has been fighting cancer for a couple of years now - so yes I do know what your dealing with in that aspect of this story.
Take the cancer out of this story - now we have you and this boyfriend - the boyfriend who needed to sleep with your child..??
I'm sorry - but this child needs to be protected - and if you don't or can't see that and your giving a puzzle description of reality.
Until you can prove stability and you can prove you are capable in your condition to care for a child - you need to think what is the best for the child.
Your child needs stability and you can visit until you reach that point.
I feel theres alot of friction between you & your mother that only you know & understand at this point. This is not a posession your child is not a pawn, this is not who can win.
I cannot side with you on the child custody issue - you allowed a man to sleep with your child..
I hope all works out in time - but I feel you have had a turbuelent life style and that I have had experience with a member of my family. Clean up - show stability - show love to your child - apply time to your child. This isn't about you.
Good luck
Patsy
Your young and now strapped with cancer and a custody situation with your parents.
I feel your somewhere in this journey your parents have good reason for their actions. Yes, I'm sorry for the cancer - as my husband has been fighting cancer for a couple of years now - so yes I do know what your dealing with in that aspect of this story.
Take the cancer out of this story - now we have you and this boyfriend - the boyfriend who needed to sleep with your child..??
I'm sorry - but this child needs to be protected - and if you don't or can't see that and your giving a puzzle description of reality.
Until you can prove stability and you can prove you are capable in your condition to care for a child - you need to think what is the best for the child.
Your child needs stability and you can visit until you reach that point.
I feel theres alot of friction between you & your mother that only you know & understand at this point. This is not a posession your child is not a pawn, this is not who can win.
I cannot side with you on the child custody issue - you allowed a man to sleep with your child..
I hope all works out in time - but I feel you have had a turbuelent life style and that I have had experience with a member of my family. Clean up - show stability - show love to your child - apply time to your child. This isn't about you.
Good luck
Patsy
please help
thanks for all the well wishes but let me explain somethings just so that u understand what is happening.
The boyfriend that i have spoke has raised this child since she was 2 1/2 years old so he is like her father. Second of all he did not sleep with her in a bad way.
He tucked her in that night and fell asleep at the foot of the bed with lights on and door opened. I understand and know what u are saying. Yes, if my child was in danger no matter what i would leave with her and not return.
I know that my child is not a pawn to be played with and that is not what i am trying to do. I am trying to continue to care for my child the way i have done for 11 years now.
There is alot of stife between me and my mother. It started when she beat me in the head with her fist for about 15 minutes and then took a break and came back with a belt and set on top of me and beat me with it until my grandmother got her off of me. All of this for catching me smoking a cig. I was 13 and that is not the only time she beat me like that.
The only reason that i would have trusted her with my daughter is that she had not had a violent episode where she was hitting someone (after i got grown she would beat my dad) in almost 8 years. We thought that it had something to do with her going through menopause early.
This is the same man that took care of my child when i worked night shift because my mother refused to keep her at night. And my mother never said anything at all about it. She was 4 when i worked night shift so he still had to tuck her in at night. and nothing was ever said.
The only reason my mother got mad and said this is because of several reasons but the only one i am going to go into is that i moved off from where she lives and put my daughter into another school that she did not like so she pulled rank and took her out.
The only thing that i dont understand and maybe someone out there can help me understand it is that for all those years my husband now took care of her then and nothing was said. So why bring anything about now. If u ask the child she will tell that nothing happened and that she is not afraid that nothing will happen
So please help me understand this
The boyfriend that i have spoke has raised this child since she was 2 1/2 years old so he is like her father. Second of all he did not sleep with her in a bad way.
He tucked her in that night and fell asleep at the foot of the bed with lights on and door opened. I understand and know what u are saying. Yes, if my child was in danger no matter what i would leave with her and not return.
I know that my child is not a pawn to be played with and that is not what i am trying to do. I am trying to continue to care for my child the way i have done for 11 years now.
There is alot of stife between me and my mother. It started when she beat me in the head with her fist for about 15 minutes and then took a break and came back with a belt and set on top of me and beat me with it until my grandmother got her off of me. All of this for catching me smoking a cig. I was 13 and that is not the only time she beat me like that.
The only reason that i would have trusted her with my daughter is that she had not had a violent episode where she was hitting someone (after i got grown she would beat my dad) in almost 8 years. We thought that it had something to do with her going through menopause early.
This is the same man that took care of my child when i worked night shift because my mother refused to keep her at night. And my mother never said anything at all about it. She was 4 when i worked night shift so he still had to tuck her in at night. and nothing was ever said.
The only reason my mother got mad and said this is because of several reasons but the only one i am going to go into is that i moved off from where she lives and put my daughter into another school that she did not like so she pulled rank and took her out.
The only thing that i dont understand and maybe someone out there can help me understand it is that for all those years my husband now took care of her then and nothing was said. So why bring anything about now. If u ask the child she will tell that nothing happened and that she is not afraid that nothing will happen
So please help me understand this
please help
Hello,
Please talk to your daughter about every little thing! Forget the husband too, forget your mom and dad. Take things into your own hands, figure out what is best for you and your kid with input from your daughter and then trust your own decision(s). You have already gotten such good advice here on FGarden. Take it! Be tough and let your own mature judgment be your guide.
Good luck and blessings for you both,
Erin
Please talk to your daughter about every little thing! Forget the husband too, forget your mom and dad. Take things into your own hands, figure out what is best for you and your kid with input from your daughter and then trust your own decision(s). You have already gotten such good advice here on FGarden. Take it! Be tough and let your own mature judgment be your guide.
Good luck and blessings for you both,
Erin
please help
Thank you magenta flame i am so glad that someone sees this from my side. I have been totally honest on here about the situation so i give thanks for all the advice.
Thank you all for sharing ur opinions with me
My daughter and now husband still have a relationship but maybe not as close as before because we are afraid until i can get to court and legally custody of my child back that they will come and take her again with out any warning or anything. She is living with me now and has been all of her life except for the 4 1/2 days that my mother had her when she took her.
Just please keep us in ur prayers and if anyone can work this out our amazing Father above can.
Thank you all for sharing ur opinions with me
My daughter and now husband still have a relationship but maybe not as close as before because we are afraid until i can get to court and legally custody of my child back that they will come and take her again with out any warning or anything. She is living with me now and has been all of her life except for the 4 1/2 days that my mother had her when she took her.
Just please keep us in ur prayers and if anyone can work this out our amazing Father above can.
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RedGlitter
- Posts: 15777
- Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2005 3:51 am
please help
It sounds like you didn't tell the whole story and just wanted someone to agree with the way you see things rather than tell you what they thought based on the information you gave. :rolleyes:
please help
what is it red glitter that u think that i should tell that i have not i have told all about the situation. no matter whose view it was.
If i was just going to tell how i see things then i would not have even mentioned anything about what my mother says could have happened.
I thank everyone for the input and thier opinion and when i read everyones opinion i sit and think about it before i post anything else.
I was not looking for someone to agree with me i was looking for someone who could understand where i was coming from and maybe help me understand why my mother would do something like this.
If i was just going to tell how i see things then i would not have even mentioned anything about what my mother says could have happened.
I thank everyone for the input and thier opinion and when i read everyones opinion i sit and think about it before i post anything else.
I was not looking for someone to agree with me i was looking for someone who could understand where i was coming from and maybe help me understand why my mother would do something like this.
please help
I'm not sure I get this.... why would your mother be so upset about your "soon to be husband" (I'm assuming this means your fiance) falling asleep next to your daughter? Why would that need to be considered an "accident?" I would find that to be a comforting thing for a little girl whose mother just came home from a procedure involving her illness.
I would think the man in this situation should be very offended that he was being indirectly accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with an 11 year old. What does he have to say about this?
I would think the man in this situation should be very offended that he was being indirectly accused of inappropriate sexual behavior with an 11 year old. What does he have to say about this?
It is better to have your mind opened by wonder
than closed by belief.
than closed by belief.
please help
Patsy Warnick;681693 wrote:
I don't like the sounds of this - I wouldn't want a "MAN" laying down next to a family member, so I don't disagree with your mothers choice.
I would find out more about this MAN - you can't afford any other complications.
Good luck - and please keep us posted on the end result.
Patsy
Why do you refer to him as "a MAN?" Just because he's a man doesn't mean he's a malicious, child-raping man. She's already described him as a loving and kind person, so why is anyone questioning whether or not he's some kind of pedophile trying to take advantage of a little girl while her mother is asleep? I think it's just absurd that we, as women, would instantly assume the worst about someone based solely on his gender. That just baffles me.
I don't like the sounds of this - I wouldn't want a "MAN" laying down next to a family member, so I don't disagree with your mothers choice.
I would find out more about this MAN - you can't afford any other complications.
Good luck - and please keep us posted on the end result.
Patsy
Why do you refer to him as "a MAN?" Just because he's a man doesn't mean he's a malicious, child-raping man. She's already described him as a loving and kind person, so why is anyone questioning whether or not he's some kind of pedophile trying to take advantage of a little girl while her mother is asleep? I think it's just absurd that we, as women, would instantly assume the worst about someone based solely on his gender. That just baffles me.
It is better to have your mind opened by wonder
than closed by belief.
than closed by belief.
please help
THANKS LANEYBUG
The man is a very loving man and has taken care of my daughter since she was 2 1/2 years old. So he thinks of her as his daughter. I understand that she is 11 years old but i also know that my child is scared of anything that has to do with the dark. She will not walk to bathroom at night without me with her if all the lights are turned out. We all thought that it was perfectly normal situation for us because he use to put her to bed when i was working night shift.
So thank you for ur opinion.
The man is a very loving man and has taken care of my daughter since she was 2 1/2 years old. So he thinks of her as his daughter. I understand that she is 11 years old but i also know that my child is scared of anything that has to do with the dark. She will not walk to bathroom at night without me with her if all the lights are turned out. We all thought that it was perfectly normal situation for us because he use to put her to bed when i was working night shift.
So thank you for ur opinion.
please help
Not a problem, randmlaws. 
I just don't think the guy you love should get the crap end of the stick, so to speak, just because he's a man and your daughter is a girl. Not every man has bad intentions.
Anyway.... hope everything turns out alright! :-6
I just don't think the guy you love should get the crap end of the stick, so to speak, just because he's a man and your daughter is a girl. Not every man has bad intentions.Anyway.... hope everything turns out alright! :-6
It is better to have your mind opened by wonder
than closed by belief.
than closed by belief.