In sickness or in health...

koan · Post by **koan** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:00 pm

how many people do you think would really stick it out if their spouse became seriously ill?

My ex has clinical depression and we didn't survive. Not to say that we should have been married in the first place...

What kind of illness do you think is more likely to end a relationship?

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:15 pm

Mental. If their personality changes what choice would you have. You cant stay with someone you cant stand.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:20 pm

Alcoholism/Addiction is a tough one to cope with. On the flip side of that, so is someone who is recovering from it.

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:24 pm

I agree. I believe mental or emotional illness would be harder for the spouse to bear. If you spouse either doesn't know who you are anymore or if he/she is bitter and doesn't want you around and turns away from you.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:40 pm

I thought of another illness that could cause big relationship problems:

Syphilis......

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:45 pm

along-for-the-ride;673027 wrote: I agree. I believe mental or emotional illness would be harder for the spouse to bear. If you spouse either doesn't know who you are anymore or if he/she is bitter and doesn't want you around and turns away from you.

Well, sometimes these things happen in life. My husband doesn't know me half the time, or thinks I am his mother. It would be an act of cruelty on my part if I decided to leave him, it is the same as abandoning a child-who is really not a child, but my husband.

I must take those days with all the rest, one at a time.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:49 pm

To be honest, I do not know what I would do. I guess I would determine that when I was thrown into the situation. Addiction may cause me to leave however.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:07 pm

koan;673013 wrote: how many people do you think would really stick it out if their spouse became seriously ill?

My ex has clinical depression and we didn't survive. Not to say that we should have been married in the first place...

What kind of illness do you think is more likely to end a relationship?

Ones like depression. It's really hard to put up with. My wife had that as well but only after we were married. Turns out she-like a lot of women-is one of those where one side effect of the contraceptive pill is depression. I reckon it must cause a lot of marriage breakdowns if people don't realise something is actually wrong. Tomorrow is our 22nd anniversary, guess I realised something was actually wrong. She's almost normal now:sneaky:

dubs · Post by **dubs** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:32 pm

You can add my ex to the "not one to hang around list"!.......

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:36 pm

dubs;673078 wrote: You can add my ex to the "not one to hang around list"!.......

oiy sorry to hear that.

neffy · Post by **neffy** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:38 pm

good thread koan,mu hubby finds it hard to deal with any illness,when i lost my dad he was very good,but 18mths down the line i had a breakdown,i felt like i was in some living hell.

I had no support from him what so ever,i really was on my own i am not saying that he did not care i just dont think he knew how,He must of done something right,because he bought me JJ

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:43 pm

Mental illness would be terribly tough to cope with - one needs to remember that all medications change ones personality, so no matter what the illness, the meds and the side effects are terrible.

I had a friend call for some insight to how to handle illness and how did I handle a situation etc.- his girlfriend was diagnosed with something?, he packed her belonging and had her move out immediately, he refused to have his life take that direction.

I've never bailed - nor would I

Patsy

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:44 pm

koan;673013 wrote: how many people do you think would really stick it out if their spouse became seriously ill?

My ex has clinical depression and we didn't survive. Not to say that we should have been married in the first place...

What kind of illness do you think is more likely to end a relationship?

I think it depends on the ages of the couple and how long they have been together. I know personally of at least a dozen couples that have been together at least over 20 years, and one or the other winds up being a care provider for anything from cancer to dementia, and oh yes, depression.

Younger couples, I believe, are more apt to walk away from a situation where their SO is ill, as they tend to walk away from even lesser problems that disrupt their happiness.

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:46 pm

Alcoholism is a very tough one to cope with but sometimes there comes a point in a persons life, where something "clicks" and all of a sudden, they realise that they can't do it anymore. (I understand that this is not the case for everyone)

I left home at the age of 22 and 6 months before I moved out - my dad stopped drinking.

When you see someone at their very worst there are times when you think that you just can't keep going. Mum and I wanted to walk away so many times but we never gave up.

I thank God that I never gave up because I see the man that my dad now is and I love him so much and have a great respect for him - inspite of all the crap:-4

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 8:10 pm

It depends on a person's personal limits (or rather what they think they are) and how much backbone/integrity they have.

I don't think illness is a good enough reason to leave your mate. There's been a few "illnesses" here mentioned that I seriously disagree with leaving someone for, having been there.

If I vowed for sickness and health, that's what it'd be. What goes around comes around. I wouldn't want my other half to bail on me when I became inconvenient to him.

I would leave someone if they cheated on me (because they broke the deal) or if they abused me (one smack is all it would take) repeatedly verbally/emotionally wore me down, if they became so destructive that they put us in the poor house or if they ever harmed my loved ones. (Child, family, pets)

Would I leave someone because they became paralyzed or got cancer or had a mental disorder?

No.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Thu Aug 02, 2007 8:34 pm

koan;673013 wrote: how many people do you think would really stick it out if their spouse became seriously ill?

My ex has clinical depression and we didn't survive. Not to say that we should have been married in the first place...

What kind of illness do you think is more likely to end a relationship?

Dang Koan...you know when I was diagnosed with cancer my husband left me within 3 months. The funny of the situation was that he told all the neighbors and local merchants that he was going to have to watch me die.............:-5

So ..........who is here and who is NOT!!!!!

I could not believe someone would leave me in the midst of a serious illness. I think that says a lot about the fortitude of the spouse. I met BTS through my daughter and he cared NOT that I was bald or had one breast. He has seen me through everything.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:08 am

YZGI;673034 wrote: I thought of another illness that could cause big relationship problems:

Syphilis......

:wah:

that's what I was going to say.....if your partner suddenly develops some kind of STD then that is a deal breaker.

otherwise, I can't imagine not honoring any of my vows. :-6

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:19 am

nvalleyvee;673210 wrote: Dang Koan...you know when I was diagnosed with cancer my husband left me within 3 months. The funny of the situation was that he told all the neighbors and local merchants that he was going to have to watch me die.............:-5

So ..........who is here and who is NOT!!!!!

I could not believe someone would leave me in the midst of a serious illness. I think that says a lot about the fortitude of the spouse. I met BTS through my daughter and he cared NOT that I was bald or had one breast. He has seen me through everything.

I've always thought that when you become ill you find out who really cares about you. I do believe that people do the best they are capable of at the time... it just isn't always good enough. What bothers me is the justification process. If your ex just said "I couldn't stay because I realised I wasn't capable of dealing with it" or something more honest at least he is taking responsibility for his own actions.

I agree with an earlier statement that a couple can survive if they've been together longer before the illness sets in. If I fell in love with someone and found out they had a terminal disease I'd stay with them for as long as they were here. If I wasn't in love with them then there isn't much point trying to be a hero or valiant... it just wouldn't work.

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:21 am

chonsigirl;673037 wrote: Well, sometimes these things happen in life. My husband doesn't know me half the time, or thinks I am his mother. It would be an act of cruelty on my part if I decided to leave him, it is the same as abandoning a child-who is really not a child, but my husband.

I must take those days with all the rest, one at a time.

wow.

yes. One day at a time. He's very lucky to have found you.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:32 am

dubs;673078 wrote: You can add my ex to the "not one to hang around list"!....... That is her loss!! and I don't care if you say pfffttt to me or not....:p

pinkchick;673092 wrote: Alcoholism is a very tough one to cope with but sometimes there comes a point in a persons life, where something "clicks" and all of a sudden, they realise that they can't do it anymore. (I understand that this is not the case for everyone)

I left home at the age of 22 and 6 months before I moved out - my dad stopped drinking.

When you see someone at their very worst there are times when you think that you just can't keep going. Mum and I wanted to walk away so many times but we never gave up.

I thank God that I never gave up because I see the man that my dad now is and I love him so much and have a great respect for him - inspite of all the crap:-4 I stuck to a marriage and fought to save it with an alcoholic to realize that I was fighting a losing battle. My Father was an alcholohic also PC and he has been sober for over 10 years and I'm so thankful that Mom didn't leave him many years ago, when honestly...many women including myself probably would've. He is a wonderful Grandfather and Pilar of the community.

sunny104;673362 wrote:

that's what I was going to say.....if your partner suddenly develops some kind of STD then that is a deal breaker.

otherwise, I can't imagine not honoring any of my vows. :-6 I am one that agrees with that and even when my ex did develope a "condition", completely was oblvious that he would EVER cheat on me, since of course I was told it was MY fault...but thats all in the past....

To answer the question Koan...I think I would have to be faced with the situation, because you never know what you would do until you are there...easy to sit and say, well I'd leave due to mental illness, but due to the strength of the marriage and the love for the other person...I would be pretty certain that I'd stay with my partner through anything, 'cause I believe in loyalty to the end.:-4

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 7:52 am

I don't understand why mental illness keeps cropping up as a reason to bail.

I've heard "the person isn't the same person anymore" but if you get Alzheimers or have a bad enough stroke or fall into a coma or get a brain tumor, you aren't going to be the same either in that context. Yet you still ARE the same person your mate swore to uphold. Mental illness is a disorder of the brain, just like diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas. It's not catching and it's not always or even usually dangerous to others so what's the deal? Why would you choose to leave that person?

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:59 am

Pat and I have had quite a lot of *****(poo) thrown at us over the years and we have both given each other 100% support , it is tough at times but you go on hopefully

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:13 am

RedGlitter;673381 wrote: I don't understand why mental illness keeps cropping up as a reason to bail.

I've heard "the person isn't the same person anymore" but if you get Alzheimers or have a bad enough stroke or fall into a coma or get a brain tumor, you aren't going to be the same either in that context. Yet you still ARE the same person your mate swore to uphold. Mental illness is a disorder of the brain, just like diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas. It's not catching and it's not always or even usually dangerous to others so what's the deal? Why would you choose to leave that person?

i have had bouts of depresion and i dont think any one could really stand by you for too long with that it makes you a very grumpy selfish person

its all about me me me when i'm depressed its all about how bad i feel oh well i dont have it now no matter what the docs tell me :wah:

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:44 am

Bailing out on a mate for any kind of mental or physical disorder that they develop is the epitome of selfishness and illustrates to me why this relationship should have never begun in the first place. What was it founded on? Once she gets stretch marks, do we dump her? When his hairline starts to disappear do we look for another. How about varicose veins? Oh you say, "those are just small things, not like leukemia". Well, where do we draw the line when we stop loving someone? At the very time that this person is in need of support, the one that supposedly loved them the most, decides to call it quits. What a chickensh-- s.o.b.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:48 am

Lon;673480 wrote: Bailing out on a mate for any kind of mental or physical disorder that they develop is the epitome of selfishness and illustrates to me why this relationship should have never begun in the first place. What was it founded on? Once she gets stretch marks, do we dump her? When his hairline starts to disappear do we look for another. How about varicose veins? Oh you say, "those are just small things, not like leukemia". Well, where do we draw the line when we stop loving someone? At the very time that this person is in need of support, the one that supposedly loved them the most, decides to call it quits. What a chickensh-- s.o.b.

when i was depressed after my brothers death ,i broke up with sue as i knew i was making her life a total misery

maybe i should start a new thread of ,if you were really ill would you release your partner from all the trouble of looking after you when your ill

if i was ill i would not want to ruin Sue's life by being a burden to her I'd leave in a second

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:54 am

if you leave when the going gets tough then I'm not sure it's a matter of having stopped loving someone but rather that perhaps you never really loved them at all.

Simon · Post by **Simon** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:25 pm

koan;673013 wrote: how many people do you think would really stick it out if their spouse became seriously ill?

My ex has clinical depression and we didn't survive. Not to say that we should have been married in the first place...

What kind of illness do you think is more likely to end a relationship?

If my wife started to support Arsenal, she would be out on her backside. Yes, and supporting Ardenal is an illness

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:45 pm

Lon;673480 wrote: Bailing out on a mate for any kind of mental or physical disorder that they develop is the epitome of selfishness and illustrates to me why this relationship should have never begun in the first place. What was it founded on? Once she gets stretch marks, do we dump her? When his hairline starts to disappear do we look for another. How about varicose veins? Oh you say, "those are just small things, not like leukemia". Well, where do we draw the line when we stop loving someone? At the very time that this person is in need of support, the one that supposedly loved them the most, decides to call it quits. What a chickensh-- s.o.b.

Couldn't have said it any better Lon

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:55 pm

[quote=RedGlitter;673381]I don't understand why mental illness keeps cropping up as a reason to bail.

Well sure. You would say that.

:wah:

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:58 pm

Nomad;673581 wrote: [quote=RedGlitter;673381]I don't understand why mental illness keeps cropping up as a reason to bail.

Well sure. You would say that.

:wah:

Well...yeah...I would!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:47 pm

For anyone who entertains any pangs of guilt over leaving an alocholic.... My unpopular opinion is this. Yes it is a disease, and yes it is hereditary. But to drink is a choice. So yes, I dumped one... after 14 years of marriage, and two children. If someone I loved got sick? No, I would not leave them.To me it would be the same as asking " If they lost an eye, would you leave?" I cannott imagine how it would feel to know I had someone in my life who wouldnt leave ME if I were ill. And take care of me??? HA!! That is worth ten million kazillion dollars.

Patrick · Post by **Patrick** » Fri Aug 03, 2007 10:56 pm

All the physical stuff I can handle. I saw my Dad deal with my Mother's painful death from cancer because he loved her so much that he couldn't bring himself to lose a single moment with her, even though for him every one of those moments was a an eternity in hell as she slowly died.

I love my wife that much. I'm that selfish.

Saying that I know I can handle anything. Alcoholism, depression, Alzheimer’s, cancer, AIDS... anything. I’d deal with anything just to have one more moment with her. I love her that much. I'm that selfish.

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:15 pm

It's a given that you cannot know how you would react until it happens but I suspect the one I would not be able to cope with would be Alzheimer's.

At the end of the day, the person you know and love is not there any more - they're already dead but the shell lives on.

In the same situation I would want to be granted the release of physical death and I suspect that I would be unable to cope with watching my beloved forced to live in that way.

That being said, my Godparents supported her mother through twenty years of Alzheimer's and I have nothing but the greatest respect for them for so doing.

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:30 pm

Bryn Mawr;676560 wrote: It's a given that you cannot know how you would react until it happens but I suspect the one I would not be able to cope with would be Alzheimer's.

At the end of the day, the person you know and love is not there any more - they're already dead but the shell lives on.

In the same situation I would want to be granted the release of physical death and I suspect that I would be unable to cope with watching my beloved forced to live in that way.

That being said, my Godparents supported her mother through twenty years of Alzheimer's and I have nothing but the greatest respect for them for so doing.

My flatmate's mum is staying with us for the next few weeks and she has Dementia. I can promise you this...... It is really tough to cope with.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:41 pm

pinkchick;676567 wrote: My flatmate's mum is staying with us for the next few weeks and she has Dementia. I can promise you this...... It is really tough to cope with.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

I watched them suffering with the sleepless nights, the aggression, the physical damage, the foul language - all the while with no recognition of who they were or the fact that they were helping.

No, I wouldn't wish that on anyone - either side of the fence.

pinkchick · Post by **pinkchick** » Wed Aug 08, 2007 4:48 pm

Bryn Mawr;676573 wrote: I watched them suffering with the sleepless nights, the aggression, the physical damage, the foul language - all the while with no recognition of who they were or the fact that they were helping.

No, I wouldn't wish that on anyone - either side of the fence.

It certainly is a very "undignified" illness!