buggin me for months

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 17, 2005 1:38 pm

This has bothered me for ages, and I won't even entertain the thought of changing my mind but it just bugs me.

When I first started my divorce and life change, I took my troubles to my at that time best friend. She has been my neighbor for 12 years as well. We indeed were close. She and her husband own a small company. After about 2 months of my struggle they offered me a job, full time, very low pay, review and raise at 3 months and reviews every 3 months to follow, but no benifits. Perfect I was overjoyed as I was desperate. It was a new field so loads to learn. I arose to the occasion. 3 months passed, no review no worries I didn't mind I just needed to job badly. 6 months came and still nothing. I was still desperate but also not liking the job too much. Then at about a month later they cut my hours and tried to stick me into a sales post. They asked if I wanted that, I said no, I would rather they lay me off and I could collect EI (unemployment, pogie whatever ya call it) They convinced me to stay. I worked the part time hours, and put in extra beyond that without pay as I sucked at sales. But actively job hunted. Sooooooooooo the grit of this story is this...when I did get a new job I was thrilled. I gave them 2 weeks notice they were happy for me. I told them I had to take it as I needed full time work and benifits as a single mother. On my last day, the husband hugged me and wished me well. The wife, my best friend took me into her office and closed the door. Then out of no where told me ..."moral here is very low, we believe it is your attitude. So and so may loose her job because we have seen your influence on her attitude, what do you think of that"

Gang I was floored, shocked, stunned, and hurt.

I simply said "I am sorry so and so is feeling bad, I did not know There was a moral issue that was my fault, and I have nothing to say, today is my last day and I wish to leave on a good note" I stood, said good bye. And I left.

A couple weeks later her daughter (who works there as well and was my friend) emailed me and told me how hurtful it was I have not kept in touch with her mother after all they did for me. I was shocked.

I have since blocked all email. unplugged my answering machine and refuse to answer calls on my cell from them. (praise call display)

Here is my dilema, I am a firm believer of forgive and forget, I have learned from this board what that means even more and have reinforced faith in forgiveness. But I really DO NOT want to forgive this. I do not feel bad about the circumstances. I do not miss those people, the friendship or any of that. What I do feel is that I should feel bad but I do not, can not and will not.

Just a vent and thanks for the ears.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:09 pm

Its good to vent.....

Sometimes when your friends get this "ALMIGHTY Savior" syndrome they hurt you more then help you...Its almost a control isse..

EX: I moved in the middle of the night after sending my X to jail..It was ugly but needed to be done..My sister came to my rescue - got me out of there with my kids and brought me back home. I found a house - a job but still depended on her for childcare...Things turned around.. I went into remission and had a full time job...had a wonderful house, then I met my future hubby (kind of like your new job) - She hates him..states I couldn't of done anything with out her and she resented me moving into our new home together when we got married..I sometimes feel that you can praise some one to much - thank them so much it turns them into "saviors" - but you did need a job, you just bettered your life and family..Never feel bad about that...Way to go on the new job!!

Keep your chin up...

telaquapacky · Post by **telaquapacky** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:14 pm

Married people, as well meaning as we are don't often understand what people go through in divorce if it's never happened to us. That may explain their branding you with the "bad attitude" label. Sounds like you handled the event gracefully. If you wanted to, perhaps you could re-establish contact and friendship with them. It's all a matter of whether they're "keepers" or not. What's most important to you now is to have friends- not necessarily who coddle you- but who understand you enough to be encouraging and helpful. Can they do that? If not, just let the thing pass.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 17, 2005 2:42 pm

Thanks gals, I appreciate the insight. I am a very independant, stuborn and private person. And perhaps they did step too far into my "circle" I don't know, but you have opened my eyes to the possible reactions of Married friends. I think for now I will carry on my Merry way, that friendship is best put to rest.

And wow mom you too have been to hades and back again. What an incredible bunch we have here. We could set up a survivors group, and I don't mean like the TV show I mean genuine folks who have over come or are still over coming life's nasty curves.

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:11 pm

there is nothing i like less than someone who does something for me and makes me feel badly later. ughhhh...the worst! you didn't do anything wrong minksy! my grandpa...who is the smartest man i have ever known says "you should always be looking for another job". no matter what you have...there could always be something out there better. you did the right thing for you. and besides, they were treating your poorly anyway. i wouldn't talk to the hag either!

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:13 pm

LOL HotSauce.......Hee hee hee HAG! Thats what I use to call my X mother in law:)

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:15 pm

mominiowa wrote: LOL HotSauce.......Hee hee hee HAG! Thats what I use to call my X mother in law:)

Hey I call my current ex mother in law Hag ahahahaha

Thanks Hot, I feel great about putting a lot of past baggage behind me.

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:21 pm

From what I read, I would say they didn't seem like very good friends, and I don't blame you for how you feel now about it.

Oh and she has a serious problem.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:30 pm

letha wrote: From what I read, I would say they didn't seem like very good friends, and I don't blame you for how you feel now about it.

Oh and she has a serious problem.

Here's the kicker we were great friends for years.... but her family life was getting "messy" maybe she was unhappy because I was happy first before she was? I dunno.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:32 pm

Gang I was floored, shocked, stunned, and hurt.

I simply said "I am sorry so and so is feeling bad, I did not know There was a moral issue that was my fault, and I have nothing to say, today is my last day and I wish to leave on a good note" I stood, said good bye. And I left.

A couple weeks later her daughter (who works there as well and was my friend) emailed me and told me how hurtful it was I have not kept in touch with her mother after all they did for me. I was shocked.

I have since blocked all email. unplugged my answering machine and refuse to answer calls on my cell from them. (praise call display)

Here is my dilema, I am a firm believer of forgive and forget, I have learned from this board what that means even more and have reinforced faith in forgiveness. But I really DO NOT want to forgive this. I do not feel bad about the circumstances. I do not miss those people, the friendship or any of that. What I do feel is that I should feel bad but I do not, can not and will not.

Just a vent and thanks for the ears.

Minks - don't feel bad - ever - about this. You always have to look out for yourself first in the workplace. Realize most people will stab you in the back the first chance they get and try to cover it by making you feel guilty about something. These people must be avoided at all costs in every walk of life. I call them "toxics" - toxic to every good person around them. They have no morals or sense of fairplay. It is their UNDERLYING sense of guilt that provokes them to try to still be "friends". Stick to your guns and don't reply.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:35 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: Gang I was floored, shocked, stunned, and hurt.

I simply said "I am sorry so and so is feeling bad, I did not know There was a moral issue that was my fault, and I have nothing to say, today is my last day and I wish to leave on a good note" I stood, said good bye. And I left.

A couple weeks later her daughter (who works there as well and was my friend) emailed me and told me how hurtful it was I have not kept in touch with her mother after all they did for me. I was shocked.

I have since blocked all email. unplugged my answering machine and refuse to answer calls on my cell from them. (praise call display)

Here is my dilema, I am a firm believer of forgive and forget, I have learned from this board what that means even more and have reinforced faith in forgiveness. But I really DO NOT want to forgive this. I do not feel bad about the circumstances. I do not miss those people, the friendship or any of that. What I do feel is that I should feel bad but I do not, can not and will not.

Just a vent and thanks for the ears.

Minks - don't feel bad - ever - about this. You always have to look out for yourself first in the workplace. Realize most people will stab you in the back the first chance they get and try to cover it by making you feel guilty about something. These people must be avoided at all costs in every walk of life. I call them "toxics" - toxic to every good person around them. They have no morals or sense of fairplay. It is their UNDERLYING sense of guilt that provokes them to try to still be "friends". Stick to your guns and don't reply.

OMG you described them to a T. Toxins, wow hmmm well thanks I feel better now about not wanting to give a dam about them. hmmm feels nice.

Agnes · Post by **Agnes** » Tue May 17, 2005 3:56 pm

minks, it happens, with all good intentions a friend helps you out. when in the long run you helped them? how they could turn on you in your situation is uncaring. your strength became her weakness, let her think about why you want nothing to do now with her. **** happens, and you're not taking it anymore the way it seems to me. :-6

john8pies · Post by **john8pies** » Wed May 18, 2005 5:53 am

I fully sympathise with you. The problem, I think lies in the fact that business and pleasure don`t really mix. You are not the first person I know who has got on well with friends then fallen out when you`ve worked with / for them. From how you describe it, it is obviously not your fault; but people are people in all their various ways and foibles and with all their personal beliefs and hang-ups. It is obviously impossible to please all people all the time (just look at the Israel / Palestine situation to see what I mean!) and some people (for whatever reasons) start trouble, or take offence from the slightest thing. It has happened to me on SO many occasions, with a variety of people, over the most trivial things, and usually through no fault of my own at all (I can give you examples privately, if you wish) and obviously it happens to everybody else as well. PLUS ordinarily pleasant people can have "off-days" (pet just died, just lost some money, period, etc) so that makes `human relationships in the office` even more complex and minefield -like. My own opinion is that you are totally without fault and that your `friends` should be ashamed of themselves for taking the words of others and treating you like that. It hurts, yes, it hurts. Whether you should forgive takes us into other realms, though. Could you live WITH YOURSELF if you went through life holding a grievance like that (again, I know of one dispute that lasted almost 50years and ended -with death - without forgiveness - and with several frustrated mediators again feeling very upset. This is outside the province of this group, but I`ll give you general details in private if you wish) If you feel okay with that, but from the tone of your question, I suspect that you`d make up if THEY apologised. So if you want to hold that grudge or if you want to make up (even though it`s NOT your fault) is going to have to be a finely made decision on your part. (As a mere male, of course, my advice is probably less sensitive or perceptive than the females who post here. Sorry!) GOOD LUCK.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Wed May 18, 2005 6:22 am

The "Savior Syndrome" yeah, been there and went thru that. I lost a friend of 10 years because of it. He thought he was doing me this huge favor, and he wouldn't let anything I did for him or his family count(for him) as me repaying his kindness. It got real ugly. 10 years of friendship thrown away cuz I needed a place to live. What a waste.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed May 18, 2005 8:59 am

Thanks you guys, your so awesome in reinforcing my thoughts. I think I shall add it to my life changes. New interests (yet to be discovered) new job, new friends. And close the door on the past and enjoy the new direction. I agree with you there John8 work and friends is a lethal combo and something usually dies after that and this time it was the friendship. Ah life goes on don't it.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu May 19, 2005 3:06 am

Minks.... They are control freaks.. who enjoyed your being down... also saw an opportunity to keep you down.. with their offer of a low paying job, and then ignoring the promised evaluations, and raises. It always hurts to discover people out there who are like this.. But they are out there. When you asserted yourself, and went out and got a better job.... she tried to knock you down a peg by blaming you for having a negative attitude. I would be willing to bet money that their relationship is really not that great.... but kept quiet. Sound like she probobly envies the guts you had to end a bad thing and move on. Often couples with sucessful businesses or joint assets will stay together. because they are afraid of losing money if they split up. Keep the phone turned off. Dont look back.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu May 19, 2005 11:58 am

weeder wrote: Minks.... They are control freaks.. who enjoyed your being down... also saw an opportunity to keep you down.. with their offer of a low paying job, and then ignoring the promised evaluations, and raises. It always hurts to discover people out there who are like this.. But they are out there. When you asserted yourself, and went out and got a better job.... she tried to knock you down a peg by blaming you for having a negative attitude. I would be willing to bet money that their relationship is really not that great.... but kept quiet. Sound like she probobly envies the guts you had to end a bad thing and move on. Often couples with sucessful businesses or joint assets will stay together. because they are afraid of losing money if they split up. Keep the phone turned off. Dont look back.

Thanks weeder again more truths. Yep their marriage, and their company were floundering.

Gawd I sure am finding loads out being on my own. I am learning the ex was very controlling and even now still trys to "help" me and asks questions that are no longer his business.

I think I am glad to be divorced hehehe

No worries no looking back for moi, and I will remain unattainable to quite a few people for a very long time coming

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu May 19, 2005 4:09 pm

Wolverine wrote: The "Savior Syndrome" yeah, been there and went thru that. I lost a friend of 10 years because of it. He thought he was doing me this huge favor, and he wouldn't let anything I did for him or his family count(for him) as me repaying his kindness. It got real ugly. 10 years of friendship thrown away cuz I needed a place to live. What a waste.
I lost a friend of 25 years .. similar circumstances... H e thought he was my savior

also. Nothing ever went on the credit column for me .. only debits.. It was like being involved with the mafia. Mine got very ugly also... when I asserted myself and took my own WITHDRAWL!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaha

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu May 19, 2005 6:57 pm

weeder wrote: I lost a friend of 25 years .. similar circumstances... H e thought he was my savior

also. Nothing ever went on the credit column for me .. only debits.. It was like being involved with the mafia. Mine got very ugly also... when I asserted myself and took my own WITHDRAWL!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahaha

pity some folks are happy to see others unhappy. Glad you got out of that one weeder, pity mind you it was a long friendship. I guess some times too some of us are just slow to see the truth of others. Or the trueness of others.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu May 19, 2005 7:00 pm

flopstock wrote: Not only do I think Agnes is dead on, the stronger you got the weaker she felt..but what floors me more is the notion of you as a 'morale destroyer'..boggles the mind. Even when you are down on a thread, you manage to come across as upbeat.

diane

And thanks Diane, I appreciate your kind words. It is liberating now knowing I control me and only I control me. hehehehe

It sure took me a long time to realize I was not in control of me however.

You guys are so kind i your support that is awesome too.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu May 19, 2005 7:36 pm

JAB wrote: I'd be willing to bet Minks, that these former friends of yours blame everybody for all the wrong in their life just so they can deflect any wrongdoing on their part. It's their only way of coping with dissatisfaction and their own inadequacies. I also think it's pretty lame that the daughter called you up to say 'how could you?' I wouldn't at all be surprised if your friends put her up to it because they couldn't face the truth themselves.

Pretty sad, if you ask me...

yes rather sad, specially from a family that was sooo good so long ago.