News from Northumbria

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:52 am

Rothbury Woman Explodes

The village of Rothbury is in a state of shock after a local woman exploded early on Sunday morning. Mrs. Violet Thrung was walking near Simonside with her sister Muriel. I was taking her picture, she was sitting on a rock, and then she went bang! Said Muriel. Police, Ambulance and Fire crews attended the scene along with an Army bomb disposal team. Its a complete mystery said Major Ronald de Bilious Mallard, there is no trace of any explosive materials or devices at all. The Police have stated that they are not looking for anyone in connection with the incident at this time the investigation is still at an early stage said Inspector Earnest Churney. Local separatists, The Snitter Marxist Independence Front, have denied involvement. Its nowt te dey wi us a spokesman for S.M.I.F claimed. Mrs. Thrung, 67, was the widow of the late Arnold Chuffy Thrung, the world famous sheep whisperer.

Paul.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:56 am

what the hell you on about buddy

:wah:

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:31 am

Hi,

I am afraid my humour is difficult to penetrate but as I always say;

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure . . . than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a grey twilight that is known as Seahouses".

Paul.

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 10:01 am

Was Violet ever a drummer for Spinal Tap ?

Spinal Tap Drummers

John "Stumpy" Pepys (1964-1967) Died in a bizarre, unexplained gardening accident.

Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs (1967-1974) Choked on vomit of unknown origin.

Peter "James" Bond (1974-1977) Spontaneously combusted onstage.

Mick Shrimpton (1977-1982) Onstage explosion

Joe "Mama" Besser (1982) Quit the band, claiming he "couldn't take this 4/4 sh!t"; according to an MTV interview with Spinal Tap in November 1991, he disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

Gary Wallis, Jody Linscott (Amnesty International performance in 1991) (Wallis pretended to explode at the end of the performance.)

Richard "Ric" Shrimpton (1982-1999) Allegedly sold his dialysis machine for drugs, presumed dead.

Sammy "Stumpy" Bateman (2000) Died in a freak tricycle accident jumping over a pool of sharks.

Mick Fleetwood (2000) The only one to survive unscathed.

Plus 14 other drummers at various times all of whom are dead.

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:05 am

Hi, afraid not. Violet was in fact a direct decendant of non other than Enoch Putters;

"Born in Thrunton, 1887. The son of a lime slaker, one of seventeen children. Enoch Putters became the only person ever to capture and tame the wild and extremely rare Northumbrian Cyclopic Pig.

For twenty years, mocked by his peers, Enoch searched Northumberland for the fabled pig. He caught a young boar near the Cheviots at a location he would never disclose,

Overnight they became a sensation. People came from the four corners of the globe. Royalty, heads of state, politicians and men and women of wealth queued with the rank and file for days to see them perform.

After seven years of total success the pig was accidentally killed by a falling wardrobe and a distraught Enoch withdrew from society with a bottle and the pig head had stuffed. Enoch died at Wooperton in 1950. The pig is kept to this day somewhere in Northumberland".

Paul:wah:

The Rob · Post by **The Rob** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:12 am

It's like reading Monty Python!

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:20 am

I, Rob;656506 wrote: It's like reading Monty Python!

Here we are the very Gent in question Enoch Putters and his Cyclopic pig:wah:

Attached files

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:15 pm

Come on, Mr. Soap. Tell us another!

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:45 pm

Articles For Sale

1 Pair Stobsworths "Durable & Reliable" Gentleman’s Climbing Dentures. Tungsten tipped. Guarantees 5 points of contact. One careful owner, unforeseen accident forces sale. Hence £25 Kyloe 525252

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:53 pm

joesoap;656461 wrote: Hi,

I am afraid my humour is difficult to penetrate but as I always say;

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure . . . than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a grey twilight that is known as Seahouses".

Paul.

I like Seahouses

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:55 pm

jimbo;656436 wrote: what the hell you on about buddy

:wah:

Its a sort of northern humour Jimbo:wah:

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:06 pm

kazalala;656580 wrote: Its a sort of northern humour wah:

"Northern" is redundant.

joesoap · Post by **joesoap** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:27 pm

kazalala;656577 wrote: I like Seahouses

Let me take you by the hand

and lead you through the streets of Seahouses

I’ll show you something that will make you loose your mind. :-2

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:44 pm

joesoap;656505 wrote:

After seven years of total success the pig was accidentally killed by a falling wardrobe and a distraught Enoch withdrew from society with a bottle and the pig head had stuffed. :wah:

...and here's me thinking that a pig in show business who had an unfortunate "wardrobe malfunction" was a recent development.

The pig is kept to this day somewhere in Northumberland.

I'll be sure to keep an eye out for it, next time I'm in the area.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:42 am

Bill Sikes;656683 wrote: "Northern" is redundant.

:-2