I'm so lost without him

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:53 pm

I've recently split up with my fella, AGAIN. In the 18 months that we've been together, I must have finished with him about 6 times, and every time its been for the same reason (his addiction to alcohol and disrespectful behaviour towards me when he is intoxicated.)

At first, whenever I decide to finish with him, I get a sense of relief, almost a feeling of elation, and I know that it makes sense, and I am determined to move on.

But then as the weeks pass by, all I feel is loneliness and I start to miss him and pine for his company. This has, in the past always resulted in me contacting him and taking him back. But each time, I realize pretty soon that he hasn't changed in any way and I start to regret my decision, and could almost kick myself for being so stupid. I should say 'acting' stupid because I'm actually a highly intelligent woman!

So at the moment, I'm very much missing him, but resisting the temptation to get in touch with him which is not fair on either of us.

Help!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:56 pm

Elly-May;647146 wrote: I've recently split up with my fella, AGAIN. In the 18 months that we've been together, I must have finished with him about 6 times, and every time its been for the same reason (his addiction to alcohol and disrespectful behaviour towards me when he is intoxicated.)

At first, whenever I decide to finish with him, I get a sense of relief, almost a feeling of elation, and I know that it makes sense, and I am determined to move on.

But then as the weeks pass by, all I feel is loneliness and I start to miss him and pine for his company. This has, in the past always resulted in me contacting him and taking him back. But each time, I realize pretty soon that he hasn't changed in any way and I start to regret my decision, and could almost kick myself for being so stupid. I should say 'acting' stupid because I'm actually a highly intelligent woman!

So at the moment, I'm very much missing him, but resisting the temptation to get in touch with him which is not fair on either of us.

Help!!!

May I offer up this...

is it better to hurt once and be done with him or hurt time and time again by going back to him repeatedly.

Hunny I understand your pain, been there done that, still feel the hurt but I know it will heal, and I won't be hurt by the same person again.

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:56 pm

Elly-May;647146 wrote: I've recently split up with my fella, AGAIN. In the 18 months that we've been together, I must have finished with him about 6 times, and every time its been for the same reason (his addiction to alcohol and disrespectful behaviour towards me when he is intoxicated.)

At first, whenever I decide to finish with him, I get a sense of relief, almost a feeling of elation, and I know that it makes sense, and I am determined to move on.

But then as the weeks pass by, all I feel is loneliness and I start to miss him and pine for his company. This has, in the past always resulted in me contacting him and taking him back. But each time, I realize pretty soon that he hasn't changed in any way and I start to regret my decision, and could almost kick myself for being so stupid. I should say 'acting' stupid because I'm actually a highly intelligent woman!

So at the moment, I'm very much missing him, but resisting the temptation to get in touch with him which is not fair on either of us.

Help!!!

Steer clear, if it hasn't worked in that time it is very likely that you are not well suited. Go get a hobby, make some new friends, get out, start building your social life so you have less time to think of him. It's only natural to grieve for someone but you will come out the other side and be a hell of a lot stronger for it :-6

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 1:56 pm

STAY AWAY !!! as much as it hurts...I can totally relate to this...and my expert advice on "giving in" is DON'T !!! Just my advice...from my experience and what you explained....:-1 :-1

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:04 pm

Here's a hug for you.

Most of us have been through this at one time or other. Breaking up can be hard to do. I know you love him, but, he is not good for you as long as he has this problem and he abuses you/ does not treat you with respect when he is intoxicated. In my opinion, as long as you are with him, you will be an enabler in that he sees that you accept this behavior from him.

You deserve better. It's time to think of yourself. When he is sober, kiss him good-bye and leave. For Now. Maybe, he will get his act together. In the meantime, stay away, and do things you enjoy doing and be with other people you like.

PS. You are not lost.

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:05 pm

magenta flame;647161 wrote: He's addicted to Alcohol and you're addicted to him .........................notice how he's not addicted to you?

He needs to get rid of the alcohol and you need to get rid of him . Or you'll have this cycle for the rest of your life.

Honestly you are addicted to some 'feeling' or 'act' in the relationship ..........figure out what it is and you'll be fine.
I think thats exactly right. Its the feeling of being 'loved by someone.' But he's just not worthy of my love!

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:10 pm

Although I'm in tears right now, I'm glad that I posted this because all of you are telling me exactly what I know, but need to hear other people say!

Its lovely to have some support here and I can feel the genuiness coming through. So, thank you! xxx:yh_hugs

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:22 pm

Think I'll have to make the effort to go out more with my female friend. She's sensible like me! Unlike a friend I had in the past who used to think it was her 'duty' to fix me up with a bloke whenever we went out. Best part of it was, she only made herself look like an idiot! Needless to say I'm not her friend anymore!

There is nobody my age at work. I'm 43, and I work with a 20 year old girl and a married man in his late 50's! All the mechanics are 21!!!

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:28 pm

magenta flame;647201 wrote: Huh? No I'm actually being serious

when you have a fight with a spouse your adrenelin rises and you actually lose about 30% of your thinking capacity that's why we get so upset during arguements. so you go out and get some good adreneline into you, same effect but you have a smile on your face at the end of it:)

It all makes sense now, so when he makes me doubly mad I lose 60% :-3

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:30 pm

As a recovering drunk myself Id say.......learn to be strong on your own. Then go grab some life for yourself. Its ok that you feel crappy just dont let it prevent you from doing the right thing, which is in fact exactly what you are doing now.

Good on you !

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:41 pm

magenta flame;647220 wrote: Phewwww... I'm trying not to offend anyone at the mo ........scared me there for a minute:)

yep the lights and sounds and the stimulation overload will be good for you Elly May, why not just put the offer up at work and see who wants to come with you?

Suze I have the problem of losing all capacities and then kick myself afterwards when I remember the real reason we were arguing...DOH!

Hey why not take Jimbo to a carnival even if you can't ride the rides because of your back you can at least take photos of Jimbo on the merry-go -round screaming like a little girl:wah: :wah: :wah:

Thats me, really get going and totally forget what i'm arguing about, then what makes me madder, he just stands in front of me pulling faces and won't argue back, arghhhhhhhh (you used all the smiles)

Sod the back, if I go a theme park I make sure I go on the rides!

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:42 pm

Looks like you have received some pretty good advice here from some good FG people. You are doing the right thing. By having him back you are saying its okay for him to treat you like this, and its okay for him to have a drink problem.

Hopefully he will get help with his drinking problem, maybe he will, maybe he won't. Either way it is NOT your fault.

Try too keep busy join some sports clubs, or anything in your area where you can meet new people and try to stay strong. If you are determined enough, then you will find something. A job behind a bar is a good way too get to know people.

Just remember you are worth more than the treatment he is giving you. Don't let him try to make you feel guilty.

Stick by guns and don't give in. There are some really great people here, who will hellp you through, but you also need to get out with real people and have some fun.

Pheasy :-4

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:43 pm

Actually, I've got the same problem as Suzy, I have a bad back too! But I've had a great thought! I could persuade James to go on a ride, then pay someone a huge amount of money to fix it so he gets stuck at the top for at least 24 hours!:yh_bigsmi

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:45 pm

Elly-May;647234 wrote: Actually, I've got the same problem as Suzy, I have a bad back too! But I've had a great thought! I could persuade James to go on a ride, then pay someone a huge amount of money to fix it so he gets stuck at the top for at least 24 hours!:yh_bigsmi

:wah: :wah: Stick him on the walzer and give them a tenner to see how fast they can spin the car, he'll be honkin up for days, tends to leave a touch of vertigo

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:51 pm

SuzyB;647237 wrote: :wah: :wah: Stick him on the walzer and give them a tenner to see how fast they can spin the car, he'll be honkin up for days, tends to leave a touch of vertigo :DHe would probably manage to hold on to his can of lager without spilling it!

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:23 pm

Guys, I'm off to bed soon, have to be up early. Thank you all for your kind words! I feel much better now, should sleep better tonight!

Anyone else got any advice or experiences they'd like to share? I'll check my replies in the morning and also read the posts that I've already received. It'll give me a boost to face the day ahead!

Love to you all and Thank You once again!!!:-6

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:26 pm

Elly-May;647318 wrote: Guys, I'm off to bed soon, have to be up early. Thank you all for your kind words! I feel much better now, should sleep better tonight!

Anyone else got any advice or experiences they'd like to share? I'll check my replies in the morning and also read the posts that I've already received. It'll give me a boost to face the day ahead!

Love to you all and Thank You once again!!!:-6

Good night Chick, hope you get a good nights sleep, talk to you tomorrow :-6

Elly-May · Post by **Elly-May** » Wed Jun 27, 2007 3:30 pm

SuzyB;647323 wrote: Good night Chick, hope you get a good nights sleep, talk to you tomorrow :-6
Good Night! XX:-4