Single or divorced parents

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:34 am

What is the boundary, if one exists, of control that one parent has over the other's activities and involvements?

My son's father is, at best, an *******, and at worst, a control freak. A few weeks ago, a situation occured.

Wait, let me characterize for a minute. As few of you know, I'm in recovery, meaning the majority of the people in my life, including friends and mates, are as well. Naturally, my son is a part of that, because he is the center for me. Anyway...

This situation that occured. My car was broke, and two male-type people that are my friends took me and my son to pick it up. They fixed it, left, and my son and I brought the car home. End of story. Next day, my son is with his dad and I get an irate phone call informing me that I am not to have my son around "those people" meaning my entire circle of friends. Now, trust me, I know this person well, and most of his complaint stems from the fact that he would like nothing more than to control my life and have me totally alone and on the wait for him, which of course is never gonna happen, but here's the problem. Do you believe, when two parents that aren't together are raising a child, one has a say over how the other lives his/her life? Where is the line drawn on interference?

I hope this makes sense.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:46 am

It's an invisible line that some men will always try to cross.

I've just spent an hour and a half with my ex husband of two years in mediation this morning.

The point of mediation is to discuss whats best for the two children concerned here. It's glaringly obvious though that is about control from beyond divorce, and he's getting angrier and angrier that its not working.

Maybe one day he'll be able to forgive me for leaving, maybe he won't, who knows, stand your ground and stay calm......................

says she who fell apart immediately after the session :rolleyes:

I hope that one day in the future he can let it all go, stop grilling the children for information and just be happy, and allow me to be happy.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:51 am

Betty Boop;636516 wrote: It's an invisible line that some men will always try to cross.

I've just spent an hour and a half with my ex husband of two years in mediation this morning.

The point of mediation is to discuss whats best for the two children concerned here. It's glaringly obvious though that is about control from beyond divorce, and he's getting angrier and angrier that its not working.

Maybe one day he'll be able to forgive me for leaving, maybe he won't, who knows, stand your ground and stay calm......................

says she who fell apart immediately after the session :rolleyes:

I hope that one day in the future he can let it all go, stop grilling the children for information and just be happy, and allow me to be happy.

God! Although I wasn't married to my son's father, that sounds about right. He grills my 3 year old to find out what mommy's been doing. Which I have to admit, I find quite funny, because really I don't do much of anything LOL> I don't have time for much of anything other than my son when I'm not working. When I date, I don't introduce my son unless I'm absolutely sure something will come, or a friendship exists, because I refuse to waltz people in and out of my son's life.

As far as you falling apart. Sometimes we take our fill and the emotions just come out. That's the way it is with me anyway. During the convo I had where I was basically "told off" I explained to him that he should write a list of all his complaints and accusations and I'd take them under consideration, but otherwise back off and stuff it. I don't particularly care what he thinks he can control about me, because that part of my life is over, but it does affect my son, and that's what concerns me.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:14 am

Party number 3 checking in with similar case scenario. I have been divorced from the girls' dad for almost 4 years now, my girls are late teens now. The ex husband interacts with the girls about .5% of the time. He has gone into a flap over me allowing the girls to get their drivers licences, go on birth control, their boyfriends (whom are both lovely and have been in our lives for 3 and 1.5 years) he has gone on a tear about my taking the youngest white water rafting at age 15, oh he still trys so hard to control the decisions they make about a lot of things. He really at this point has no say, he contributes nothing to the girls. Nothing not even help to pay for their dental needs or schooling. It's not a matter of money believe me it's a matter of involvement, if he were more involved and spent time with them and showed interest in them in any way shape or form, then yes we could all sit down and discuss these issues. And here is the last kicker in the shins, he did not even buy my youngest her 16th birthday present ... in January. And believe me my kids are not about gifts they are about principles

So you see this man should not have any say in the matter of raising these girls. I do not bring men around to the house all the time, I do not party in my house, I do not do drugs, or drink excessively all the time. My daughter (only one left at home now) is well mannered, clean, decent and respectful.... and I don't think the father has a leg to stand on when it comes to his controlling ways (was always controlling lives in marriage too)

just my 2 cents worth.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:37 am

minks;636533 wrote: Party number 3 checking in with similar case scenario. I have been divorced from the girls' dad for almost 4 years now, my girls are late teens now. The ex husband interacts with the girls about .5% of the time. He has gone into a flap over me allowing the girls to get their drivers licences, go on birth control, their boyfriends (whom are both lovely and have been in our lives for 3 and 1.5 years) he has gone on a tear about my taking the youngest white water rafting at age 15, oh he still trys so hard to control the decisions they make about a lot of things. He really at this point has no say, he contributes nothing to the girls. Nothing not even help to pay for their dental needs or schooling. It's not a matter of money believe me it's a matter of involvement, if he were more involved and spent time with them and showed interest in them in any way shape or form, then yes we could all sit down and discuss these issues. And here is the last kicker in the shins, he did not even buy my youngest her 16th birthday present ... in January. And believe me my kids are not about gifts they are about principles

So you see this man should not have any say in the matter of raising these girls. I do not bring men around to the house all the time, I do not party in my house, I do not do drugs, or drink excessively all the time. My daughter (only one left at home now) is well mannered, clean, decent and respectful.... and I don't think the father has a leg to stand on when it comes to his controlling ways (was always controlling lives in marriage too)

just my 2 cents worth.

And a good 2 cents it is. I agree with you, for your scenario, that he has no say as he has made the choice to extract himself from their lives. Your the primary caregiver and so, should make the decisions. Don't ya hate it when this happens? Only difference with me is that my son's dad does have involvement with him. We have a schedule of visitation, but my concern with him is how much say so should I allow, if any? It's a fine line really, because while he is his father, he's not God.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:31 am

Mystery;636553 wrote: And a good 2 cents it is. I agree with you, for your scenario, that he has no say as he has made the choice to extract himself from their lives. Your the primary caregiver and so, should make the decisions. Don't ya hate it when this happens? Only difference with me is that my son's dad does have involvement with him. We have a schedule of visitation, but my concern with him is how much say so should I allow, if any? It's a fine line really, because while he is his father, he's not God.

with luck you can discuss things civilly with him. I never had that option mine was way beyond civil discussion

beautyful · Post by **beautyful** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:48 am

I don't think if two parents aren't together they should really have a say on the other's life and what they choose to do with it unless of course their actions will have a detrimental effect on the child in question then maybe they have cause to interfere.its a case of wanting to control the other one usually the male partner wishing to control his ex. the most important thing is the child of course but why shouldn't a parent have a life of their own with the friends they choose etc

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:52 am

minks;636575 wrote: with luck you can discuss things civilly with him. I never had that option mine was way beyond civil discussion

Yep, that's the biggest problem. Rational discussion is not an option. You just can't reason with an unreasonable person

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:53 am

beautyful;636596 wrote: I don't think if two parents aren't together they should really have a say on the other's life and what they choose to do with it unless of course their actions will have a detrimental effect on the child in question then maybe they have cause to interfere.its a case of wanting to control the other one usually the male partner wishing to control his ex. the most important thing is the child of course but why shouldn't a parent have a life of their own with the friends they choose etc

Amen!

beautyful · Post by **beautyful** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:55 am

You are a mother first of all but that doesn't hide the fact that one day your son will grow up and move out of home and then where will you be if you have been forced to drop your life?! You will have no friends and no support, thats what single parents need most, their friends as support, like you say there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person :-5

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:58 am

Mystery;636600 wrote: Yep, that's the biggest problem. Rational discussion is not an option. You just can't reason with an unreasonable person

Oh I hear ya sister

I guess we mom's just do the best we can.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:00 am

beautyful;636607 wrote: You are a mother first of all but that doesn't hide the fact that one day your son will grow up and move out of home and then where will you be if you have been forced to drop your life?! You will have no friends and no support, thats what single parents need most, their friends as support, like you say there is no reasoning with an unreasonable person :-5

Yes, that's what I keep thinking

. I try really really hard not to let his ridiculous notions affect me in any way, but when my son is involved, it's difficult.

minks;636611 wrote: Oh I hear ya sister

I guess we mom's just do the best we can.

Yep, no one said motherhood was easy eh

beautyful · Post by **beautyful** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:03 am

Thats the thing, now you have a child together, that man is always going to be in your life, however much you don't want him to be:( Just be strong i guess hun, we are here for you

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:17 am

beautyful;636615 wrote: Thats the thing, now you have a child together, that man is always going to be in your life, however much you don't want him to be:( Just be strong i guess hun, we are here for you

Thanks beautyful

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:23 am

Mystery;636612 wrote: Yes, that's what I keep thinking

. I try really really hard not to let his ridiculous notions affect me in any way, but when my son is involved, it's difficult.

Yep, no one said motherhood was easy eh

I am still waiting for the manual.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:31 am

minks;636640 wrote: I am still waiting for the manual.

LOL! That would most definitely be an advantage! Lordy, the obstacles we come across!

beautyful · Post by **beautyful** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:33 am

Mystery;636660 wrote: LOL! That would most definitely be an advantage! Lordy, the obstacles we come across!

But i bet you wouldn't change it if you could?

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:36 am

beautyful;636664 wrote: But i bet you wouldn't change it if you could?

not much of it no, a few things I acted poorly on but hey I chalk it up to learning experiences.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:37 am

beautyful;636664 wrote: But i bet you wouldn't change it if you could?

Nope, not at all. It's the best job, hands down, I've ever been blessed with. Sure, it's tiring and frustrating and sometimes you wanna pull your hair out, but at the end of the day, when I look at that angelic face sleeping away, or cuddled in my lap giving "lub", all the worry and fatigue vanishes and I'm content

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:45 am

Mystery;636677 wrote: Nope, not at all. It's the best job, hands down, I've ever been blessed with. Sure, it's tiring and frustrating and sometimes you wanna pull your hair out, but at the end of the day, when I look at that angelic face sleeping away, or cuddled in my lap giving "lub", all the worry and fatigue vanishes and I'm content

that is brilliant. I feel the same way

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Wed Jun 13, 2007 9:51 am

Betty Boop;636516 wrote: It's an invisible line that some men will always try to cross.

Now hang on there, old girl. I am about to employ a legal instrument against my soon-to-be-ex, as she is contemplating an action that I feel will be against my son's interest - this "invisible line" is crossed by both sexes, not just men.

Betty Boop;636516 wrote:

The point of mediation is to discuss whats best for the two children concerned here.

I think it's a shame that all parents can't do this all the time, but of course there are exceptions - mediation, or even legal action, can help - but I think it would be quite possible, in the case of some people, for it not to work, or even be counter-productive.

Betty Boop;636516 wrote: I hope that one day in the future he can let it all go, stop grilling the children for information and just be happy, and allow me to be happy.

I absolutely agree that the separated parties should lead their own lives as much as possible, comensurate with *both* looking after any children there may be - after all, it's likely that they will be the ones to suffer most in the event of ructions.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 2:23 am

Each couples situation is different & this is aimed at no-one in particular its just my take on single parents. Break ups are always so complex but by & large i have no objection to my x husband putting forward concerns as to how his children are raised. He has IMO every right to, he's their father. I'd be more annoyed if he disappeared out of there life or dident care what went on in it. Women as much as men can be evil & use children to play off one another. I doubt there are many women out there who would admit that their x could raise said children as well as themself's. I do believe my children could have been raised just as well by dad & if they had been & i had any concerns about what was going on 'as their mother' i would have expected some degree of respect that my opinions would be taken into consideration & discussed.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 6:13 am

buttercup;637189 wrote: Each couples situation is different & this is aimed at no-one in particular its just my take on single parents. Break ups are always so complex but by & large i have no objection to my x husband putting forward concerns as to how his children are raised. He has IMO every right to, he's their father. I'd be more annoyed if he disappeared out of there life or dident care what went on in it. Women as much as men can be evil & use children to play off one another. I doubt there are many women out there who would admit that their x could raise said children as well as themself's. I do believe my children could have been raised just as well by dad & if they had been & i had any concerns about what was going on 'as their mother' i would have expected some degree of respect that my opinions would be taken into consideration & discussed.

Actually, my son's father does a wonderful job with him when he has him. I have no worries about anything when it comes to his being cared for. The problem is the control he tries to have over my life. The little snippets and innuendos he enjoys making that I will always be indebted to him because he gave me my son, the fact that he believes because I have a son by him, I have no right to belong in a relationship.

SpiderSam · Post by **SpiderSam** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:55 am

I have been a single parent now for just over 2 years. Divorced for just over a year. Even now the ex still tries to take control of my life. Up until he found out about my boyfriend. When he found out about that he did try and make things difficult for me. It was OK for him to leave me for another woman but when it came to me finding someone else it was not allowed. I refused to let him get to me and now I just literally hand over the kids to him when he has them and hardly ever bother talking to him. Suits me just fine.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 1:40 pm

beautyful;636596 wrote: I don't think if two parents aren't together they should really have a say on the other's life and what they choose to do with it unless of course their actions will have a detrimental effect on the child in question then maybe they have cause to interfere.its a case of wanting to control the other one usually the male partner wishing to control his ex. the most important thing is the child of course but why shouldn't a parent have a life of their own with the friends they choose etc
My ex-wife won't allow my daughter to meet my girlfriend of 5 months. (they have met a few times covertly) and my daughter is interrogated and forced to lie when she goes home.

Mystery · Post by **Mystery** » Thu Jun 14, 2007 1:49 pm

SpiderSam;637362 wrote: I have been a single parent now for just over 2 years. Divorced for just over a year. Even now the ex still tries to take control of my life. Up until he found out about my boyfriend. When he found out about that he did try and make things difficult for me. It was OK for him to leave me for another woman but when it came to me finding someone else it was not allowed. I refused to let him get to me and now I just literally hand over the kids to him when he has them and hardly ever bother talking to him. Suits me just fine.

My son's father has been involved with a woman for over 3 years, the one he was sleeping with while still living with me....yet he believes I have no right to a relationship :rolleyes:

Uncle Kram;637586 wrote: My ex-wife won't allow my daughter to meet my girlfriend of 5 months. (they have met a few times covertly) and my daughter is interrogated and forced to lie when she goes home.

I think it's awful that your daughter is forced into that position. So often, the kids are the ones who suffer

SpiderSam · Post by **SpiderSam** » Sat Jun 16, 2007 8:33 am

Mystery;637590 wrote: My son's father has been involved with a woman for over 3 years, the one he was sleeping with while still living with me....yet he believes I have no right to a relationship :rolleyes:

It annoys me that they can up and leave just like that. Mine did. We had not even been arguing. Everything was fine. Then as soon as you turn your life around and find someone then all hell breaks loose. I met a bloke but was not ready and was not overly keen on him anyway, only ever went for a drink with him but it was just after and way too soon. He found out about that and tried causing trouble. Then when he found out about my current partner he tried again, just did not work.