joke of the day thread

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 8:43 am

Uncle Kram;537250 wrote: A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her

two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice

children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is

seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really

think they look alike, you d1ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

I've been tempted a time or two...(I read this before...and seen women like this before too!)

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 3:36 pm

Soberano;541788 wrote: A man was in a long line at his local Target store. As he got to the

register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the

checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't

know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the

intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,

was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the

checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could

have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked

him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of

medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen

was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a

live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the

register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to

drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a

quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...

"Mop and bucket to register 5"

LMAO. good one.:wah: :wah:

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 4:18 pm

fisher wrote: A witch will get a better grip on the broom if she is without panties!
Pinky........ that true??

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:16 pm

I wandered lonely as a cloud

O'er Lomonds braes and banks

I stood upon a mans' bare arse

and a woman shouted "Thanks"

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:16 am

A couple was on their honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to

consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I

have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.

"The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age.

"The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with

him.

"The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are

done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down

the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they

finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?"

she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one

more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to

the phone and starts to dial. the wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this

damn hole!"

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:24 am

A slight misunderstanding!

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.

When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on tv that people should be tested after annual sex!"...

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:40 am

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 2:48 am

Here are some euphemisms.

1. uniforms=career apparel

2. prostitute=commercial sex worker

3. lying on a job application=resume enhancement

4. porn star= adult entertainer

5. mole= beauty mark

6. illegal immigrant= guest worker

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Sun Feb 11, 2007 8:02 pm

An older man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room, he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 2:50 am

BH672;547023 wrote: An older man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room, he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
:wah: :wah:

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:48 am

Soberano;547250 wrote: Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone

else...One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:

I'll give you £100 for sex, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend

down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a

moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she

called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him

for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants

down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the

boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45mins the

boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "the b #####d used coins"!

:wah: :wah:

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Mon Feb 12, 2007 9:16 pm

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. It makes everything better and I can go to work. You try it."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. Boss, you got nice house."

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:06 am

:wah: :wah:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:07 am

just remember as you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke. it helps to clear the turds from your path.

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:34 am

When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen, or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

gadget · Post by **gadget** » Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:46 am

Valentines day is great!

I bought the Mrs a new bag and a belt - and you know what?

The Hoover works a treat now!!

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 17, 2007 3:45 am

:wah: :wah: :wah:

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 1:23 pm

Travelling Salesman!

A salesman checked into a futurestic motel.

Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to

the desk clerk to ask if there were a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir, " the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the Haircutting Machine, inserted $15.00, stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and looked in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of

his life. Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.Two feet away from another machine with a sign that read,Manicures $10.00." "Why not ?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen

seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need

when away from their wives - 50 cents."

"Oh, man . . . do I ever need that!"

He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, andwith some anticipation, stuck his "treasure" into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.Fifteen seconds later it shut off.With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member . . which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 2:31 pm

A man in a pub saw a pal at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the pal he commented, 'You look terrible. What's the problem?'

'My mother died in June,' he said, 'and left me £10,000.'

'****, that's tough,' he replied.

'Then in July,' the pal continued, 'my father died, leaving me £50,000.'

'****. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'

'And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000.'

'Three close family members lost in three months? That is terrible.'

'Then this month,' continued the pal, 'nothing!'

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:54 am

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "****. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:57 am

BH672;555096 wrote: Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "****. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

if sue had not severed it all ready i'd of laughed my head off at that

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Thu Feb 22, 2007 9:25 am

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds

his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a

while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky

voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional

weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that

joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:wah:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:13 am

:wah: :wah:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:17 am

true fact- on June 8, 1995, Glacier National Park was closed because of too much snow.

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:19 am

Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:22 am

Tater Tazz;558522 wrote: Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

too late i'm afraid tried it yesterday

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 4:28 am

I saw a guy on the street wearing a t-shirt that said"couples for christ." But he was all alone. And I wondered, what would jesus think?

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sat Feb 24, 2007 5:37 am

Soberano;558562 wrote: A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

:wah: :wah: I am now working with some Polish people, they have more trouble understanding me than I do with them

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sun Feb 25, 2007 4:35 am

SuzyB;558566 wrote: :wah: :wah: I am now working with some Polish people, they have more trouble understanding me than I do with them

I am polish!

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sun Feb 25, 2007 4:37 am

Whenever I hear about parents who have nine or ten children, the only thing I wonder is how they survive the birthday parties.

Craig James · Post by **Craig James** » Sun Feb 25, 2007 5:54 am

What do blonde women normally say after sex?

So like, are all of you guys on the same team or something?

How do you drown a blonde woman?

Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool.

Craig James · Post by **Craig James** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:27 am

It is the first day of school for the Kindergardeners and a lot of the parents had sent gifts with their child, for the teacher. Little Johnny, who's father owns a flower shop, comes up and gives the teacher some flowers. "Thank you Johnny, this is wonderful" the teacher said. Next little Suzie, who's mother owns a candy store, comes up & hands the teacher a box of fine candies. "Thank you Suzie, this is wonderful" the teacher said.

Then comes little Billy, with a big box in his hands. As he handed the teacher the box, he said "My daddy owns a liquor store ma'am". The teacher smile as she set the box on her desk. When she did, she noticed a liquid leaking out of the box. With an even bigger smile, she dipped her finger in the liquid to taste it. "Is this wine Billy" & Billy answered "No ma'am". Confused, the teacher again dipped her finger in the liquid and tasted it. "Oh I know, this is Champagne in the box, huh Billy?" Again Billy answered "No ma'am".

Really confused now, the teacher dipped her finger in the liquid one more time & tasted it. "I'm not sure what this taste is Billy, what did your daddy put in the box for me?" she asked. Billy replied with a smile...."It's a PUPPY!"

:wah:

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:38 am

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

Craig James · Post by **Craig James** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 12:42 am

A beautiful blonde Polish woman walks into a Casino, and places a $20.000.00 bet down, on a single roll of the dice. As she is handed the dice, she says "I hope you all won't mind, but I fel so much luckier when I am naked" All the men standing around eagerly agree, "sure we don't mind", so the blonde strips naked.

She rolls the dice, and when they stop she SCREAMS "I won, I won" as she starts bouncing up & down, and hugging all the dealers at the table. After kissing them all, she picks up her winnings & clothes, and heads out the door. When she is out the door, one dealer asks the other, "So what did she roll?" The other dealer says "Hell, I don't know....I thought YOU were watching the dice?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Polocks are stupid, not all blondes are dumb.....But all men are men!

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 3:54 am

Soberano;560570 wrote: A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a

problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one

thing"

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say..... Hi, we're prostitutes, d'ya wanna

have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to

your problem .

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them

with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the

bible.

My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and

will learn to praise and worship instead.

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying

in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in with the two

male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes,

d'ya wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims "Put the

f ***ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Mon Feb 26, 2007 4:20 am

:wah: :wah:

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 10:07 am

Semper Fi, baby!!!

:-6

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 2:32 pm

Michael O’Cassidy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if ya jus bought one at a time, lad.

Mike replies, “Well, ya see, I have two sisters—Angie and Debbie. One is in America, the utter in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised each utter that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o’ me sisters and one for me self, ya know a tradition.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Mike becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on yar grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on yar great loss."

Mike looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no. Everyone’s fine, me sisters are fine, he explains. “It’s just that I gave up drinking for Lent, but my sisters didn’t.

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 4:30 pm

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man

answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"

said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some

good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found

your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good

news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound

king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great

news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 7:03 pm

:wah: :wah: