*Taking a deep breath....*

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:22 pm

...and plunging in.

I have been getting TONS of PM's about my change of heart, and my desire to be a nicer person. People are asking me about what happened, why it occurred, they are astounded that BR is acting this way. Well, I had an "epiphany" of sorts last night at work, and Nomad and I discussed it in PM. With so many curious minds, I've decided to post the exchange Nomad and I had. I did get permission from him to post his portions. Here goes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nomad

Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyRider

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nomad

what happened in your heart ? Id really like to know.

It happened last night when I got to work. 15 seconds after I got there, I was yelling at 2 of our regulars because the previous bartender had cut one of them off. The other was trying to buy beers for both of them, and I told him, "Look, Mike has been cut off!!!" (I was screaming at the time) "So don't push me, I'm sick and f-ing tired of coming in here every Sunday and arguing with you, you drunk "F"!!!!"

It literally was 15 seconds after I got there. I went in the back to talk to my boss about the 2 of them being a$$holes, I was fed up and didn't want to argue with them anymore, and that she needed to come out and do something about it. Then I turned around, went to the employee bathroom and bawled my eyes out.

Ten minutes later, someone said something complimentary to me, and again....I had to go in back and mop my face.

(Bullet and I had had an argument earlier, so I wasn't in the best of moods to begin with.)

Make a long story short, about every half hour, I went to the back to cry uncontrollably for a few minutes and for no good reason.

I took my boss aside and told her, "Look at me....I'm a freakin' mess. My therapist has told me that all the stress I'm under right now, plus working 5 nights in a row in a highly stressful job is going to push me over the edge."

My boss was so incredibly kind and understanding, letting me get the whole story out between blowing my nose and sobbing, and she agreed to give me every other Sunday and every Monday off, to break up my work week and make things easier on me.

So for the rest of the night, I pondered what was making me so tense, and mean, and irritable. Luckily I had a wonderful waitress last night who was able to cover my bar and her floor while I kept going in back to blubber some more.

I came to the conclusion that my fear of losing Matt in June was a major contributor to my meanness. I mean, I have to sit there for ten hours a night and listen to people cry in their beer about stupid $h!t, and I want to reach over the bar, choke them till their eyes pop out, and tell them what real problems are. But I can't do that. I also can't break down in front of Matt, I have to be strong for him. My dad is a lost cause, so wrapped up in himself, he wouldn't know if I was dead or alive. My mother is so judgemental that talking to her is like spilling your guts to Atilla the Hun. My sister is dealing with a highly problem child, raising him alone working full time and going to school full time also. My best friend is 180 miles away, and just found out she's pregnant. (You met Tigersmeow here) I have no where to vent. THAT'S when I realized I was using the people at FG as my release.

I have so much anger and frustration built up inside me and no where to let it out. I feel like a time-bomb about to go off.

Funny thing is...while *****, in her pain, has resorted to drowning her sorrows in booze, that has not even been a temptation for me. I look at the drunks around me and think, "Thank GOD I'm not going there again." I keep up on my meds, (I did start smoking again, though) and just try to get through every day being strong for Matt and not show him how utterly terrified I am that he's going to go to prison.

OK, so it wasn't such a short story, but that's what happened. I've always been able to control tears, and last night it just all came out, to my boss of all people. My anger is justified, but not how I try to rid myself of it. I've gotten nothing but support here, and the good folks of FG do not deserve to bear the brunt of my frustrations and fears. Even if some of them understand why.

Does that make sense???

I'm glad we're still friends, Brian.

:yh_peace Criss

The 1st date my wife and I went on (girlfriend then) almost 10 yrs ago, she sat across the table from me and told me

1. Im never getting married !

2. Im never having kids !

She actually told me she was a tough guy. :rolleyes:

As soon as those words came out of her mouth I knew she had a big soft heart and that she'd probably been hurt plenty. God she was aggravating the 1st few years, Jesus she was a nutcase and she had the Wall of China built up around her. I just chiseled away and little by little she started shining.

Im not assuming anything about you Criss, but Ive had a warm spot for you from the get go. You remind me of my Jaimy. I dont really know you, I understand that, but I dont think your as tough as you like to play, not really, not deep down. Ive seen little parts of your heart, the parts that shine. They come through in your offerings here from time to time. Thats the part of you I would like to be friends with, the part without the shell around it.

No one grows up a tough guy, they learn it, usually at a young age. Somewhere along your way you,ve been hurt. I know it. Please dont take that as analyzing you, Im not. We've all been hurt, some more horribly than others. The way you protect yourself lets me know you were damaged.

You are a strong woman. Thats you. But not all the time, the tender part of you belongs to your husband, but if once in awhile you let us know that you cry and you love and hurt and bleed, you will be embraced. Thats the Criss we want to love.

Strong and tough, I am. I have to be in the world I live in. But I am human, and yes, I have been, to use your word, "damaged". Lots of times, lots of ways. I don't like to think about it, except when telling about the abuse I endured at the hands of a man, because that might help someone.

I do feel a need to protect myself, my wall is high as the sky, too. Last night, every defense I'd learned failed me. It's probably a good thing, because it had to get out somehow.

Your concern is very touching, Brian, and I consider it a compliment to be compared to your wife.

Thanks for listening to me blubber.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:31 pm

You know BR I was turned off by your posts, but reading this I can see why you went off the handle. We are all human and have our moments. But I'm glad you were able to talk it out with Nomad. To me he is wise man that has been through alot.

My ear is always here for ya if ya need to chat. i don't have the wisdom Nomad does, but I think I can make ya laugh.

Go for a long ride tomorrow and enjoy the breeze.

Luvs and Hugs

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 5:05 pm

JAB wrote: I kinda wish you had posted this as a journal where the words could stand on their own with no comments from us. It was that powerful.

:yh_hugs

(ps - I never knew your name was Criss!!

)
I hadn't thought of posting it in a journal. I always appreciate the input of the members here. Can I ask why you would have rather seen it there, where no one could reply?

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 5:33 pm

I read this through and had to go away a bit before I could post.

BR I understand JAB. I should say, I understand her feelings about the

power of those words. (Forgive me JAB if I get this wrong)

If we had seen that as just a stand alone post, then I think we all get

to reflect on it more. And anything else we try to add to it is weak at best.

Maybe lessens it a little, and I know, I'm adding to it right now as I type.

In a journal you would have surely gotten pm's about it, and maybe other

comments somewhere else.

I'm glad you and Nomad decided to share that with all of us. I think it was

important that you did.

I'm moved, to say the least.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 6:53 pm

:-4 I am moved by both BR's honesty and sharing and Nomad's pure love and knowing the real BR.

anastrophe · Post by **anastrophe** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:25 pm

forumgarden is a work in progress.

often overlooked, however, is that so also are all forumgardeners.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:35 pm

BR, your some kinda of lady in my book your words are moving your honesty brave. :-4

That Nomadness is one heck of a man in my book he never ceases to amaze me each and everyday I read his post. Nomad your tops so glad we have you here in the garden what an assest you are..:-4

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:52 pm

JAB wrote: If you wanted to invite responses, then you did the right thing for you. I just thought it was strong enough, personal enough that you didn't need us saying 'atta girl' or 'atta boy' as validation. Who are we to question a heartfelt exchange between two friends? I'm glad you had each other to turn to have this conversation. Not everyone gets that opportunity and it happens too rarely in this day and age in my book.
I gotcha. No, I'm not one of those people who needs the pat on the back. Looking back, it could have had a different meaning in a journal.

(I sure do appreciate one of the bosses coming in with his comment, though!)

theia · Post by **theia** » Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:33 pm

It's said that behind every wall of defence there lies a beautiful soul...thank you, criss, for showing us yours. Thank you too, Brian. What a lesson for us all! And what a truly magical and heartwarming time for all of us at Forum Garden. I feel privileged to be a part of it.

:-4 :yh_hugs

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:22 am

I'm always short on words at times like this...I have never doubted your heart BR, you've been a great friend and counsellor to many here.

Most of us gals hold our tears and emotions inside for fear of upsetting others, but once it's all out how much better we feel.

:-4

anastrophe · Post by **anastrophe** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 1:34 am

anastrophe wrote: forumgarden is a work in progress.

often overlooked, however, is that so also are all forumgardeners.

geez, i think i'm being all wise and perspicacious, and just now poking around i see far rider posted practically the same words almost twelve hours ago.

i think i'll go back to posting other people's aphorisms!

anastrophe · Post by **anastrophe** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 1:38 am

Good judgment in our dealings with others consists not in seeing through deceptions and evil intentions but in being able to waken the decency dormant in every person.

Eric Hoffer

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 2:58 am

anastrophe wrote: Good judgment in our dealings with others consists not in seeing through deceptions and evil intentions but in being able to waken the decency dormant in every person.

Eric Hoffer

Great quote anastrophe...and....'perspicacious ' from your other post...what a great word...hard to say and not one used very often but great none the less.

:-6

chrisb84uk · Post by **chrisb84uk** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:30 am

That was really moving, I am truly touched by both BR and Nomad's words.

Now I know that I certainly don't know either of you particulary well, but from the time that I have been here, I feel that I have gotten to know you well enough to call you both my friends, as I also feel with a large amount of the good folk here at FG.

I know that we all have our moments of rage, even myself, where things just don't go the way you want them, and people can seriously get on your nerves, but it's the way you deal with all of this, that I think is very important. You can either let all of your emotions fly out or try and contain then inside. Of course if u let all your emotions fly out, then people can get hurt by what you say, as has been the case around here lately. If u try to keep these feelings inside, then eventually over time you are just going to grow into a big time bomb of sorts, where something eventually, no matter how small, will set you off.

I certainly can't fully understand how you feel BR, but the courage that u took to share your life and thoughts with us is highly commendable, and just goes to show the warm, light glow that we know all exists within you. We all after all are humans, and sadly at times it takes a large dose of anger or sorrow to break down our wall, and to let flow everything from within. But when that wall does break down, we are all able to see the 'true' you, and more often or not, that person has a heart of gold, capable of spreading love and happiness to everyone, just as each and every one of us do.

Thank u once again for sharing that with us all. I am so glad that both of u have been able to work out your differences. Both of u are fantastic people, and to be able to once again see both of your warm, funny and caring personalities once again, is a joy to not only myself but for the whole garden as well.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 5:25 pm

:yh_hugs :yh_hugs

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:38 pm

You rock, Br. But then, I've always said that.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 2:12 am

I agree Jives. There are some very special people in FG. People who've been through some unspeakable experiences and survived.!! BR knocked me sideways just about the first time I met up with her - not literally, though we almost came to blows at one stage. I'd feel privileged to be counted among her friends. I also have a great deal of respect for Nomad. Don't always understand his posts, but I'm learning. And he's got a wicked, irreverent sense of humour. I'm glad all three of you are here.

cars · Post by **cars** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 2:57 am

Just got to read this post BR, Jonny come lately, that's me. I always wondered how you could handle all those monumental problems, seemingly never ever showing any real signs of weakness, worry, or fear. Well it's finally good to know you're human after all, you certainly deserve & have the right to be scared, concerned, worried, & even moody. As you have an extremely heavy burdon to carry, where many of us would just crumble! Just know that your FG family supports you & will be here for you when you need it. So vent, scream, & yell, we'll still love ya!:-4

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 3:01 pm

BR I hope you find the peace within you, life has it's way of kicking our legs out from under us at times.

Hang in there.

M

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 3:27 pm

minks wrote: BR I hope you find the peace within you, life has it's way of kicking our legs out from under us at times.

Hang in there.

M
The new peace around here is a big help, let me tell you, minks!

Cars, thanks for your note. I'm sure a lot of folks here thought me less than human at times. :yh_blush

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:13 pm

Big cheesy grin. And more than human at others, BR !!

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:16 pm

AussiePam wrote: Big cheesy grin. And more than human at others, BR !!
Aww...shucks....will ya quit already??? :yh_blush

In your other post Pam, at the top of the page, it says you and I almost came to blows? We did?

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:27 pm

Grin. I can't remember the exact context BR - but it was some remark I made in Australian, and you read it in American. Nothing substantial.. and my fault entirely!! But hey, any time ya wanna fight.... I'm no piker !!! Those Star Wars type light stick things at twenty paces. (And Bullet is not allowed to be your Second - I just viewed his pic!!!! )

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:38 pm

AussiePam wrote: Grin. I can't remember the exact context BR - but it was some remark I made in Australian, and you read it in American. Nothing substantial.. and my fault entirely!! But hey, any time ya wanna fight.... I'm no piker !!! Those Star Wars type light stick things at twenty paces. (And Bullet is not allowed to be your Second - I just viewed his pic!!!! )
Ahh...Now I do recall something about that, but what it was exactly...who knows? Must not have been very important to not remember it, huh?

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:48 pm

AussiePam wrote: Grin. I can't remember the exact context BR - but it was some remark I made in Australian, and you read it in American. Nothing substantial.. and my fault entirely!! But hey, any time ya wanna fight.... I'm no piker !!! Those Star Wars type light stick things at twenty paces. (And Bullet is not allowed to be your Second - I just viewed his pic!!!! )

You just viewed Bullet's pic and you can still sit there and TYPE?!?!?!?

:D

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 4:52 pm

G'day Valerie.. Ya mean I should be sh%t scared and heading fast for the hills. Or standing in a cold shower !!!?? GUFFAW.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Wed Apr 26, 2006 7:43 pm

The latter, m'dear. Definitely the latter...

;)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat May 06, 2006 1:45 pm

Pinky wrote: *snigger* Can`t help but agree there...BR, you`re a lucky lady!:D

Just to add to the post, I know I`ve not been here long, but I think you seem to be a fantastic person, and having read this I`m so sorry that you`ve had to go through so much s**t. When you`re under pressure it`s not easy to stay calm...what you said about having to listen to other people`s insignificant ***** that they think is sooo bad just makes you want to kick their teeth down their throats!!!

At least you can come here anytime you want support, and you can PM me anytime you need to. (Or if ya want to!)
Heya Pinky! Glad you decided to stick around. I think you and I will find a lot in common.

Nice to see you taking part in the place! I'll take you up on that PM should the need arise. Thanks for that! :yh_bigsmi

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat May 06, 2006 1:49 pm

Pinky wrote: No worries BR...sensed a kindred spirit shall we say?
'ZACTLY!!! :-6

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 2:25 pm

Bump.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:06 pm