Domestic Violence and Gaining the Courage to Leave

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:19 am

domestic violence is something we deal with on a daily basis...when i started out as a trial court law librarian in another state, i had many women coming into my library blackened and bruised, scared witless to leave the man or to go through court. the threats were too overwhelming. so i used to go through the process with them to help give them courage. times were different then. today, domestic violence laws have changed and there are ways and means for women, and men, to get out in reasonable safety. i comprehend the fear, and also the reasons people, mostly women, stay in abusive relationships. financial worries for one. emotional blackmail. children. vested/shared interests in property. i hear many excuses why someone "can't" leave, then we're back at their house a week later to witness new carnage. however, the courts have given us new strength to get the abuser out of the house, we don't need charges pressed if we see signs of abuse. used to be women were too afraid to press charges, so we have removed that burden from them. any discussion here about domestic violence? or experience to share?

Post by **Betty Boop** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:49 am

Define 'signs of abuse'

It's great that you have new laws to help but the one area that is still so grey is mental abuse - there are no outward signs.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:54 am

Sad thing is LC, you can press charges for them, but they go before some judge that gives them basically a slap on the wrist.

It breaks my heart to see this 22 year old girl. Her fiance' blackened her eyes. A month later, they are back together. He hasn't drank for a month, it was only this one time, etc. Another friend may go back to her boyfriend who beat her up in front of her kids because of financial reasons. Her parents are encouraging this!

I know all the excuses. I know how bad they want to believe their abusers. I also know 2 kids in this town whose mommy is dead and daddy is in prison for killing her. I wonder now if financial reasons, property, etc. are worth it to her.

Ladies (and some time gentlemen) if he threatens to kill you if you leave, are you going to make it easier for him and stay with him and let him kill you?

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 5:59 am

I get really frustrated when I learn a friend of mine is in an abusive relationship. My sympathy goes out to them but it drives me nuts that they stay. Being on the receiving end of an abusive husband (1st husband), I know it took me 3 years to leave him and I probably frustrated what few friends I entrusted because they could see I needed to leave as well.

The law here is the same in that the person who is doing the violence can be prosecuted without the other one actually filing suit. At work, I've seen women get arrested like men, but its much more common for men to (atleast what I've seen).

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:43 am

Betty Boop wrote: Define 'signs of abuse'

it's really a judgement call by the officer(s). the obvious, bruising, redness, swelling, cuts, bullet holes. the credibility of the complainant. overturned furniture, drunkeness or signs of drug use. if i think something is going on SOMEONE is leaving the residence. or both parties are going to jail, and let the judge sort it out. otherwise, the next call that night could be worse, a body. an officer has to be able to gauge the situation, and err on the side of caution/safety.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:58 am

lady cop wrote: the obvious, ...... bullet holes.

lol. good one, LC!

I have a teacher that works for me, she's in one of those situations. her husband wrecked the company truck and got fired, just two years short of retirement. Then they lost the house, then he got drunk and fell through the ceiling in the attic.

he keeps abusing her all the time. We all told her to get a divorce. She fied the papers, but on the day they came, she relented and took him back.

Now she can't figure out why her daughter cuts her own arms, her son is continually getting suspended for fighting at school, and her husband keeps blaming her for everything.

Get a clue. Get out.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:07 am

tis a vicious cycle. The abuser abuses, then makes it up to the victim causing the victim to become totally dependant on the abuser. Abusers in domestic violence situations are usually of a very controlling nature, so they learn how to control and manipulate their partner by basically wearing them down and continuing to prey upon their weakend state. They offer false hope with fake words of love and never to do it again and the poor victim is generally led to believe it will be better this time and they keep falling into the trap time and time again. In my work with both high risk kids and abusive families the goals were to try and help break or at least recognize the cycles. It can last in families for generations. We have a horrible area in our city where it is so prevalent this domestic violence cycle that we found in studies that it was passed on through generations. Our goal was to step into this generation and teach people the signs and how to control it, and how to get out of it. Not an easy task. Some folks are creatures of habit and won't change. Seems the words I love you and I will change have more impact on a person than a physical blow or an abusive conversation.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:11 am

As well I live next door to this and the woman is sooooo desperate for a male in her life she has lost her children, she has had her furniture destroyed, she has had the police show up at the door because the male was out on the street tackling fences and screaming obseneties at 2:00 am and she takes him back time and time again. I am sorry folks but now I deem her a very stupid person as she lost the right to have her children live with her. That is the lowest form of stupidity in my eyes, keep the abusive boyfriend and loose your kids. hmmmmm makes me sick really.