How To Make Women Happy

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:00 pm

The Point System

(advice according to women)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

In the snow (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements At a Party:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)

The pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Mustang (-10)

With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)

Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:04 pm

if i wanted to make sue happy , i'd move out she could get a toy boy and be very happy , but who the hell wants that :wah: :wah:

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:08 pm

It's her pet (-10)

dunno. sometimes that would be worth the 10 points. depends on the pet.

dubs · Post by **dubs** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:28 pm

I had to live within these rules for about twenty five years!

Now I don't

WOOHOO!!!!!!!:wah: :wah: :wah: :wah:

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:29 pm

I'd play around with them a bit.

If I want something with negative points then see if I can bargain it off with bonus points somewhere else. Beat her at her own game. :sneaky:

You guys have a scale of your own too don't you?

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:35 pm

Nah - we're simple all you have to do is show up naked carrying beer.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:36 pm

Chookie;545366 wrote: Nah - we're simple all you have to do is show up naked carrying beer.

do we have to balance it on our back?

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:37 pm

Can't we all just . . . get along?

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost everyquestion.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that..it's genetic.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:37 pm

Preferably on your fronts.

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:39 pm

Chookie;545366 wrote: Nah - we're simple all you have to do is show up naked carrying beer.

:wah: :wah:

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:41 pm

BH672 :yh_clap

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about

um.... "Check your oil! Please." are you referring to cars? :wah:

just asking.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:43 pm

Chookie;545366 wrote: Nah - we're simple all you have to do is show up naked carrying beer.

yeah and while your getting me another beer dont block my view of the tv :wah:

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:44 pm

koan;545380 wrote: um.... "Check your oil! Please." are you referring to cars? :wah:
Every, uh . . . . . 3,000 miles!

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:45 pm

Soberano;545387 wrote: BH672, you talk a lot of sense, girls take it in and become wise.

:-5 :-5

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:46 pm

BH672;545388 wrote: Every, uh . . . . . 3,000 miles!

:yh_sweat

though I hear Pabst beer is good for the other possibility :wah:

Chookie · Post by **Chookie** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:48 pm

I'm not sure about Pabst and beer appearing the same sentence.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:50 pm

koan;545394 wrote: :yh_sweat

though I hear Pabst beer is good for the other possibility :wah:

you mean what i hope you dont mean dont you , sorry that was a smear on your good name

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:56 pm

jimbo;545401 wrote: you mean what i hope you dont mean dont you , sorry that was a smear on your good name

once you examine the possibilities it will be clear.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 4:11 pm

koan;545410 wrote: once you examine the possibilities it will be clear.

:D

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 4:23 pm

Soberano;545436 wrote: Aww i wish you wouldn't bang your head like that SuzyB, i take it all back.:-1

Living with Jim that happens more often than not

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 9:13 pm

koan;545394 wrote: :yh_sweat

though I hear Pabst beer is good for the other possibility :wah:
I have a funnel to change the, er . . . oil!