~Spin off~ Making Friends

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:04 am

devist8me;541493 wrote: Sorry Jimbo but I am pessimistic about human behavior in others.

jimbo;541513 wrote: i'm not like that d8, the way i look at it this if you go into a friendship expecting that person only to do nasty deeds that is all you will see your friendship will wither and die , but if you go into a friendship believing that person is nice and good then thats all you will see and when you friend sees that you trust them your friendship will grow

Ya got me thinking buddy

I suppose I should say I go into new friendships with an open mind. Everyone is not "nice and good" as they first portray when a new friendship begins. I don't so much expect them to do nasty deeds, but wait and see if this person is someone I could truly be friends with. I consider a true friend someone I could trust anything with and that person would not judge me. Finding out if the person is truly "nice and good" takes time and I've had my fair share go south because of alterior motives.

Thoughts anyone? How do you walk into new friendships?

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:22 am

devist8me;541535 wrote: Ya got me thinking buddy

I suppose I should say I go into new friendships with an open mind. Everyone is not "nice and good" as they first portray when a new friendship begins. I don't so much expect them to do nasty deeds, but wait and see if this person is someone I could truly be friends with. I consider a true friend someone I could trust anything with and that person would not judge me. Finding out if the person is truly "nice and good" takes time and I've had my fair share go south because of alterior motives.

Thoughts anyone? How do you walk into new friendships?

eyes closed and open minded.

I see the good in a person until they mess up... I don't know that that is always good cause believe me I have scars to prove it.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:22 am

I have acquaintances. Very few friends.

I started writing this for someone, a new friend, to explain what friendship means to me. So it's funny you should ask. I just wrote this yesterday.

I value your opinion. I wouldn't wish to be friends with you if I didn't think of you as an equal. I expect my friends to be as brutally honest with me as I am with them. If I want approval I can find that in a number of places. Friends are the people who know me well enough to not let me get away with it when I talk ****. If you wish to be my friend then I expect you to ask me the tough questions and give me your honest opinions. Just as I will do for you. I don't know if that is how you feel about friendship. Unless you tell me differently then I will act as I described and expect you to do the same.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:27 am

Koan we never know where we stand with friends or even lovers unless both parties are honest with each other eh?

My very elementary take on that is.... if I am your friend (anyones friend) (I am not the subject of koans letter if anyone is wondering ok) I am what I am, if you as my friend see something about me you don't like, or feel is bad in some way, go on speak up and this allows me the chance to change or correct. If not given that chance I won't know to make that adjustment.

Make sense???

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:27 am

In real life and online I'm the type to hang back and get a feel for people before interacting with them.

I'm not the most social person in the world anyway. I'd rather hide in my room and read a good book!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:30 am

sunny104;541561 wrote: In real life and online I'm the type to hang back and get a feel for people before interacting with them.

I'm not the most social person in the world anyway. I'd rather hide in my room and read a good book!

Sunny wanna come out to play

:-6

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:34 am

I go with my 'gut' feeling, I generally know instantly whether I'm going to be good friends with someone or just an aquaintence.

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:35 am

minks;541563 wrote: Sunny wanna come out to play

:-6

ok

but you come here, it's warmer!! :p

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:36 am

a true friend takes time, i know alot of people but have a few close friends....:-4 i usually go into a new friendship like i would with my close friends....most of the time either they realize we are too different or i see something in them that i dont want to be a party too.....but honestly most of the time the other person sums me up first.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:39 am

minks;541557 wrote: eyes closed and open minded.

I see the good in a person until they mess up... I don't know that that is always good cause believe me I have scars to prove it.

I've got those scars too. They keep it real.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:39 am

We'll never be successful at friendships if we don't become a friend ourselves.

Having a heart open to friendship means you take the person at face value. If your develop a friendship, IMHO, you accept someone, flaws and all. If those flaws are something you can't live with (mean-spiritedness, for example) then back away.

I wouldn't dream of telling a friend how to "fix" themselves for my pleasure. Nor would I expect them to offer criticism of me unless I asked them. Take what's valuable & let the rest go.

Finally, I believe that (WITH MOST PEOPLE) we get back what we give. Certainly there are viperous people who'll prove untrustworthy, but I'd rather find that out the hard way than be suspicious, cold and untrusting and possibly miss the opportunity for a new friend.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:39 am

koan;541558 wrote: I have acquaintances. Very few friends.

I started writing this for someone, a new friend, to explain what friendship means to me. So it's funny you should ask. I just wrote this yesterday.

I value your opinion. I wouldn't wish to be friends with you if I didn't think of you as an equal. I expect my friends to be as brutally honest with me as I am with them. If I want approval I can find that in a number of places. Friends are the people who know me well enough to not let me get away with it when I talk ****. If you wish to be my friend then I expect you to ask me the tough questions and give me your honest opinions. Just as I will do for you. I don't know if that is how you feel about friendship. Unless you tell me differently then I will act as I described and expect you to do the same.

Did we morph into one?

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:41 am

minks;541560 wrote: if you as my friend see something about me you don't like, or feel is bad in some way, go on speak up and this allows me the chance to change or correct. If not given that chance I won't know to make that adjustment.

Make sense???

What if you don't agree with your friends assessment?

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:41 am

Lulu2;541571 wrote: We'll never be successful at friendships if we don't become a friend ourselves.

Having a heart open to friendship means you take the person at face value. If your develop a friendship, IMHO, you accept someone, flaws and all. If those flaws are something you can't live with (mean-spiritedness, for example) then back away.

I wouldn't dream of telling a friend how to "fix" themselves for my pleasure. Nor would I expect them to offer criticism of me unless I asked them. Take what's valuable & let the rest go.

Finally, I believe that (WITH MOST PEOPLE) we get back what we give. Certainly there are viperous people who'll prove untrustworthy, but I'd rather find that out the hard way than be suspicious, cold and untrusting and possibly miss the opportunity for a new friend.

:yh_clap Well said Lulu!

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:42 am

sunny104;541561 wrote: In real life and online I'm the type to hang back and get a feel for people before interacting with them.

I'm the same way. You can tell a lot about a person just watching them interact with others.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:44 am

Betty Boop;541566 wrote: I go with my 'gut' feeling, I generally know instantly whether I'm going to be good friends with someone or just an aquaintence.

I'm definetly not that smooth. And god forbid a friend does stab me in the back after I've let my guard down and entrusted them with my inner self. I then start questioning my judgement of all my friends for awhile.

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:46 am

devist8me;541572 wrote: Did we morph into one?

There are some things that only people who love you will say. That, imo, is why we all need good friends. People we trust to tell us what no one else cares enough to point out. They can do this because they have taken the time to understand us well enough to know when we are fooling ourselves.

They are also the ones who know how to make us laugh. Not just at the world but at ourselves.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:51 am

now i am just the opposite devist...when i make friends i accept them at face value....far too many times i get stabbed in the back and can't accept it the first time.....reckon it was not painful enough...often i go right back and let them do it again.....only in the last year have i gotten where i can just literally write someone off the first time they stab me.....and i have a temper where i used ot didn't......but i am still very niave.....and often get kicked in the teeth several times before i even recognize what the crap is going on....:-2

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:53 am

devist8me;541585 wrote: I'm definetly not that smooth. And god forbid a friend does stab me in the back after I've let my guard down and entrusted them with my inner self. I then start questioning my judgement of all my friends for awhile.

Anyone stabs me in the back then thats up to them, yes they hurt me but I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around, they won't get a second chance with me but I don't feel the need to seek revenge.

I don't judge my friends at all, or maybe I should say I try not to, everyone has issues and everyone copes with those issues differently.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:54 am

Lulu2;541571 wrote: We'll never be successful at friendships if we don't become a friend ourselves.

Having a heart open to friendship means you take the person at face value. If your develop a friendship, IMHO, you accept someone, flaws and all. If those flaws are something you can't live with (mean-spiritedness, for example) then back away.

I wouldn't dream of telling a friend how to "fix" themselves for my pleasure. Nor would I expect them to offer criticism of me unless I asked them. Take what's valuable & let the rest go.

Finally, I believe that (WITH MOST PEOPLE) we get back what we give. Certainly there are viperous people who'll prove untrustworthy, but I'd rather find that out the hard way than be suspicious, cold and untrusting and possibly miss the opportunity for a new friend.

I liked your post except for that last bit. I HATE it when I find out the hard way and probably go to extremes to avoid just that occuring. And I am most suspicious of people who try too hard to be my friend.

And I should add that I wouldn't consider myself cold and untrusting, but luke-warm and cautious.

Thanks for the responses. I've wanted to measure this part of me for a long time.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:55 am

BETTY "Anyone stabs me in the back then thats up to them, yes they hurt me but I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around, they won't get a second chance with me but I don't feel the need to seek revenge.

I don't judge my friends at all, or maybe I should say I try not to, everyone has issues and everyone copes with those issues differently."

++++++++++++You & I would get along just FINE!

:)

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 11:58 am

Lulu2;541599 wrote: BETTY "Anyone stabs me in the back then thats up to them, yes they hurt me but I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around, they won't get a second chance with me but I don't feel the need to seek revenge.

I don't judge my friends at all, or maybe I should say I try not to, everyone has issues and everyone copes with those issues differently."

++++++++++++You & I would get along just FINE!

:)

i dont want revenge either....when i do let go of someone taking advantage of me,,,,they are usually shocked and try to no end ot repair the damage but it is too late....

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:00 pm

Betty Boop;541596 wrote: Anyone stabs me in the back then thats up to them, yes they hurt me but I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around, they won't get a second chance with me but I don't feel the need to seek revenge.

They don't get a second chance with me either, regardless of the reasons behind doing it in the first place. This is probably not a good thing, but I've found it easier and easier to "write off" acquantances the older I get. (Not so much true friends_

Betty Boop;541596 wrote: I don't judge my friends at all, or maybe I should say I try not to, everyone has issues and everyone copes with those issues differently.

I feel another spin off thread forming.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:03 pm

Wendybird;541603 wrote: Do guppies have teeth?

lol

Seriously babes you are such a sweet and loving person that I can imagine some people abusing and using your friendship in a big way. You have to look out for YOU. But there is always that side to us all when we want to be liked and loved and are willing to accept the abuse that so called friends heap on us in the name of "friendship". :rolleyes:

You my little fishcake are a lovely and loving woman and if you know I am your friend and always will be. :-4

thanks wendy....feel the same way about you....:-4

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:05 pm

Lulu2;541599 wrote: BETTY "Anyone stabs me in the back then thats up to them, yes they hurt me but I'm a big believer in what goes around comes around, they won't get a second chance with me but I don't feel the need to seek revenge.

I don't judge my friends at all, or maybe I should say I try not to, everyone has issues and everyone copes with those issues differently."

++++++++++++You & I would get along just FINE!

:)

:-6

But....... what if we were too similar?

Can you think of any of your friends that are sooooo much like yourself its scary!

Do we need friends that are opposites, apparently these people are usually showing us something we dislike within ourselves.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:07 pm

Betty Boop;541609 wrote: :-6

But....... what if we were too similar?

Can you think of any of your friends that are sooooo much like yourself its scary!

Do we need friends that are opposites, apparently these people are usually showing us something we dislike within ourselves.

my two best friends are just like me...we can get together , put our guard down...show our true selves and know we will always be loved and accepted by eachother....no matter what we do or where we end up....we support eachothers decisions and back eachother up no matter what.....

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:11 pm

Wendybird;541598 wrote: Strange that but I too go with my gut feeling. I am not usually wrong but recently I have been proved wrong in this so hard it hurts. We live and learn. I will still go by my gut feeling an if I ever let a friend I hope they will realise that it is not malicious it is just me being me (a loud mouth doofus lol)

How did you deal with it? Did you give them a chance to explain? If so, did it change your opinion at all? If not, have you just dropped them from your life?

Wendybird;541598 wrote: OMG what do people think of ME then? lol :wah:
you instill such fear in me, I can't interact with you often :sneaky:

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:15 pm

I've been burned one time to many by so called "best friends" I've learned since to just hold back and observe. You can learn quiet a bit by observing.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:15 pm

Wendybird;541603 wrote: Seriously babes you are such a sweet and loving person that I can imagine some people abusing and using your friendship in a big way. You have to look out for YOU. But there is always that side to us all when we want to be liked and loved and are willing to accept the abuse that so called friends heap on us in the name of "friendship". :rolleyes:

Well said Wendy. Gup, your like the type I feel I have to protect against big bad internet weirdos.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:20 pm

BETTY: "Can you think of any of your friends that are sooooo much like yourself its scary!

Do we need friends that are opposites, apparently these people are usually showing us something we dislike within ourselves."

++++++++++++++++ Having friends with some similar and some different interests makes life fun! I don't understand the part about "showing us something we dislike within ourselves."

Luckily, I have a lot of friends, to one degree of friendship or another. Some are "let's go to a movie" friends, some are zoo friends, some I've known for 30+ years! We each have some components which blend well.

It's like marriage, in a way....it's totally absurd to expect one person to be the "end all/be all" for a person! Anyone who expects one person to fulfill every need is going to be horribly disappointed in life! That's why we need more than one or two friends.

And I've said it before but it's worth repeating--there is NOTHING better than women friends!

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:20 pm

devist8me;541618 wrote: Well said Wendy. Gup, your like the type I feel I have to protect against big bad internet weirdos.

I know...you are watching me let someone else run over me on another forum...i get that....and i see it....now, to accept it....that takes me some time.....i respect what you are telling me and obviously i need it . there is nothing you could say to make me mad devist.....:-4

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:22 pm

Betty Boop;541609 wrote: Do we need friends that are opposites, apparently these people are usually showing us something we dislike within ourselves.

I always thought that was something you saw in your enemies that you disliked because it was something in your subconscious you hated about yourself (or some such psych babble, I probably screwed that wording up).

I'm not sure I would like my close friends to be opposites of myself. I know I don't like certain kinds of people but also recognize if all my friends were exactly like me, we'd have nothing new to explore.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:23 pm

guppy;541623 wrote: I know...you are watching me let someone else run over me on another forum...i get that....and i see it....now, to accept it....that takes me some time.....i respect what you are telling me and obviously i need it . there is nothing you could say to make me mad devist.....:-4

Don't tempt me :p

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:24 pm

Wendybird;541622 wrote: Nope I still "interact" with them on occasions and they say they "need" me to understand what happened. I can understand it but I cannot accept it. They hurt me so hard it was like a physical pain. People who are allowed that deep into your mental being who then go and snipe behind your back saying that you are lying so that they can get people to talk to them are just not worth it.

Do you think you could ever trust that person on the same level as it was before? Ever?

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:25 pm

People are good until they prove themselves otherwise.

That's not to say complete trust from the word go - trust taskes time to mature, but take them at face value until you've (personal) evidence that they're untrustworthy.

Steer clear of those you cannot trust.

Don't believe stories without backup.

I think that just about sums up my approach.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:26 pm

Lulu2;541621 wrote: And I've said it before but it's worth repeating--there is NOTHING better than women friends!

Here I am just the opposite. I have many more male friends than female friends and I don't know why. I've found once I get past the "we're not having sex" issue, some can be more caring, undertanding and brutally honest with me than some of my female friends.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:29 pm

OK...but with women, you don't have that "getting past the sex" thing. And I find a much deeper understanding of women because we can actually discuss emotions, etc, without one or the other getting that "oh, HELL..this is NOT a "guy" thing" look. :rolleyes:

UNLESS the guy's gay. Then...it's different. Gay men have been some of my very best friends forever.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:30 pm

Wendybird;541629 wrote: I KNOW! Fishface/Fishcake lol is the one I always feel the need to protect and want to hug and say "It's ok baby I'm here for you"

Maybe we should form a Guppy Protection League? :yh_nailbi (as long as I get to wear something leather and skintight

lost 10 lbs so far so should be cooool! lol

hey, i have led a sheltered life..i am getting out there and learning what alot of you learned as teenagers....i might lose a few scales,,,ok, alot of em before i wisen up , but it is the only way to learn isn't it....

feel free to let me know what you think..i am all ears....i listen......and i am not beyond a good slap up side the head when you see me being absolutely dimwitted......

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:31 pm

Women have developed different power games than men. Men are more upfront about it. Women, as a result of being background citizens for so long, have become much more manipulative and learn the behaviour in youth from other women. You can see it in the schoolyard differences between male and female bullying. I'd rather someone walk up and slug me then undermine my self confidence and use gossip to destroy my reputation. That is how women operate. It is obvious.

That being said, when I do find close friends who are female they are precious to me.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:38 pm

:wah: So, these poor "new" interests not only have to pass muster with the MOTHER....but also...WENDY?

(Ah, the fun of it!)

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 12:53 pm

Lulu2;541636 wrote: OK...but with women, you don't have that "getting past the sex" thing.

I have friends who are lesbians. TRUST ME, it's come up.

Lulu2;541636 wrote: And I find a much deeper understanding of women because we can actually discuss emotions, etc, without one or the other getting that "oh, HELL..this is NOT a "guy" thing" look.

I think I prefer men friends because of that. I have periods of time, though not that often, when i'm too emotional about things and men put that in check for me.

Lulu2;541636 wrote: UNLESS the guy's gay. Then...it's different. Gay men have been some of my very best friends forever.

I laid in bed many years ago in my jammers once with a gay man and cried for hours about a relationship that went bad. He cried with me and even held me. I'll never forget it.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:01 pm

devist8me;541668 wrote: I have friends who are lesbians. TRUST ME, it's come up.

I think I prefer men friends because of that. I have periods of time, though not that often, when i'm too emotional about things and men put that in check for me.

I laid in bed many years ago in my jammers once with a gay man and cried for hours about a relationship that went bad. He cried with me and even held me. I'll never forget it.

you the kind of woman i respect dev....i have gay friends and lebian friends as well....i dont judge their sexual connotations...i like them for who they are as a person....

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:06 pm

I ALMOST put in a disclaimer about the "with women you don't have the getting past sex thing"....:wah: My lesbian friends & I haven't had to "go" there...but I thought about it when I wrote!

Being able to have gay friends is SO enriching! My "brother" Bill & I have had such closeness because he has a male outlook but, being gay, he understands a great deal more than most of my "straight" male friends.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Tue Feb 06, 2007 1:09 pm

i'm a full on friend straight away , i dont hold back so if someone turns out to be an ahole , so what, i just dont bother with them any more so working on my theory that there are much more nice people than bad , the law of averages say that i will end up with loads of good mates and at worst i know who the aholes are and can avoid them , :-6 :-6 i dont have time for all this gossiping thingy and being secretive , i have no tact its just say it as i see it if people dont talk to me anymore thats up to them

you cant please every one all the time , some ones lovable joker is someone else's mindless moron getting on their nerves :wah: