Ah, I just started psychological therapy, last week. So today I am starting to realize how mad at my parents I should be. And that I am re-creating situations with men in my life to try and "fix" what my dad did to me and the family. In other words, I choose men who are like my father, too much.
Well at least I didn't cry. One of my housemates came out of a session crying. She has awful parents too. I guess I sound wrong. But it's true. It seems parents do things to their kids that they can't fix, so try to fix it another way, the wrong way. :-1
Be careful... whatever mistakes your parents made.. ( and I dont know them, or what they did) sometimes people fall into a trap of concentrating on placing blame, instead of striving to live productive lives. Females often choose men who are similar to their Dads. Dads who were positive models, and Dads who were not. I have not spoken to my mother since this past June. We have had incidences like this before. For the first time in my life.. I am 55 this month, I have begun to trave backwards in my head, to the past. Trying to fairly determine who she was to me and why she behaves the way she does. Its been difficult to realize she has major flaws. Despite acknowledging this, I do not hold her responsible for ANY choices Ive made in my life. Up until recently I never even considered that my upbringing might have anything at all to do with the colors of my life now. She forced me to review history.
Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but my father is a chiropractor and in his younger years, during college, he abused my mother very badly. They started a family in their early 20's as that was normal then, because the pill was not invented yet. But the abuse continued and got worse and worse till she divorced him.
But he was very very mean and also to me he was mean too. He drank quite a lot and it was not a pretty site when the fighting would start. And it was a memory that will never erase.
So one of my therapists said that I am punishing myself by not "living well" now. As I lave been in a shelter for 9 months in a bad situation too. But I am here now, where I am trying to get better. And the therapy helps a lot. It is a kind of program (not a mental facility), where during the 6 months we get free therapy. And have group sessions. And there are only women living here. We also pay rent, and it's very very comfortable and safe. So I feel as if I am finally doing something for myself, instead of trying to fix what went wrong so long ago.
There are a few good books the staff has here. And I am liking the reading. I also dropped out of college for 2 semesters. So that I could work on this project. Me.
:-1