George Carlin's new rules for 2007

Grumpaz · Post by **Grumpaz** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:10 am

I don’t know if these are really from George Carlin, but they sure are funny, and I agree with most all of them!

George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: “LUCKY BAST***S.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket

- water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop ********** with old people. Target has introduced a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: (and this one is long overdue) No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months, as in "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

Post by **spot** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:20 am

Grumpaz;500525 wrote: I don’t know if these are really from George Carlin, but they sure are funny, and I agree with most all of them!Just about every uncredited bit of sardonic social or political humor circulated on the Internet these days ends up getting attributed to comedian George Carlin, and the one quoted above is no exception. And, as usual, the item so credited has nothing to do with him.

"New Rules" are the province of comedian Bill Maher, who typically offers a list of them at the conclusion of each installment of his weekly Real Time with Bill Maher program on HBO. The rules cited in the list reproduced above were collected from various episodes of the show aired between March and September 2005, and complete transcripts of the weekly "New Rules" segments are available on HBO's web site.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:21 am

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

:wah: :wah:

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:34 am

I loved the toddler and cheese comment. I hate hearing that too.:wah: Wait- what if the kid's name is Brie?

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:41 am

Gotta love George... :wah: I love his sense of humor..

Post by **spot** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:44 am

CARLA;500584 wrote: Gotta love George... :wah: I love his sense of humor..You really think they sounded remotely like him? Seriously?

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:47 am

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

Where was George before I got my face waxed the other day???:wah:

Post by **spot** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:48 am

WonderWendy3;500590 wrote: Where was George before I got my face waxed the other day???:wah:Probably bemoaning the rubbish on the Internet that carries his name and damages his well-earned reputation!

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:51 am

spot;500591 wrote: Probably bemoaning the rubbish on the Internet that carries his name and damages his well-earned reputation!

Okay, so it was Bill Maher...it's still funny stuff, we are just having fun here. And honestly it sounds like something George would say, doesn't hurt his reputation...He has a reputation for telling it like it is...and putting humor to it...

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:56 am

Yes I have heard him use a few of these on stage on his HBO show yearly. The last one about your babies age he has used before. As well at the flavored water, and the Target bottles caps.

Are other comedians using them sure... are they all his maybe not but sounds like him to me.

[QUOTE]You really think they sounded remotely like him? Seriously?[/QUOTE]

Post by **spot** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 2:02 pm

WonderWendy3;500594 wrote: Okay, so it was Bill Maher...it's still funny stuff, we are just having fun here. And honestly it sounds like something George would say, doesn't hurt his reputation...He has a reputation for telling it like it is...and putting humor to it...

CARLA;500597 wrote: Yes I have heard use a few of these on stage on his HBO show yearly. The last one about your babie age he has used before. As well at the flavored water, and the Target bottles caps.

Are other comedians using them sure... are they all his maybe not but sounds like him to me.

You might like it, but George Carlin decidedly doesn't. Here's his take on Internet material falsely attributed to him, and he's not a happy bunny...(Ed Note: There is a new bogus Carlin email circulating, which you can see here - it's utterly NOT Carlin's work. New Note [06/01]: Another bogus Carlin piece about life going backwards (also available here and 48,000 other places online). This one has also been attributed to Robert Benson and Andy Rooney. [06/01]: More lists of jokes [ie: When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?] being forwarded around the Internet that are not Carlin. It will never end. [07/01] Here are 3 joke lists that were not written by George Carlin: this includes the "Bad American" email that has been making the rounds. We may repeat ourselves here a little in the name of truth...)

DON'T BLAME ME

Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.

Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.

And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.

"PARADOX OF OUR TIME"

One of the more embarrassing items making the internet/e-mail rounds is a sappy load of **** called "The Paradox of Our Time." The main problem I have with it is that as true as some of the expressed sentiments may be, who really gives a ****? Certainly not me.

I figured out years ago that the human species is totally ****ed and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a ****. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless. (See the preface of "Braindroppings.")

Another problem I have with "Paradox" is that the ideas are all expressed in a sort of pseudo-spiritual, New-Age-y, "Gee-whiz-can't-we-do-better-than-this" tone of voice. It's not only bad prose and poetry, it's weak philosophy. I hope I never sound like that.

HOW TO SPOT A FAKE

Here's a rule of thumb, folks: Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website. If you see something with my name on it, and you really need to find out if it's mine, post a question on my bulletin board . But only if it's really important to you; don't **** around with me for a lark.The key words are "I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me [...] And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it."

You don't think it's important to attribute material accurately? I do.

His complaint is on http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html

koan · Post by **koan** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 2:07 pm

George Carlin always says things in a direct, blunt and intriguing way.

Though there is some humour in the OP ramblings it most certainly has none of George Carlin's flare. It also has very little of his intense anger which, nowadays, has rendered him very unfunny. I'd love to see the old Carlin write one more truly funny book before he leaves the world. I know he's got it in him. Come on, George, give us another would ya? We need it.

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:45 pm

spot;500591 wrote: Probably bemoaning the rubbish on the Internet that carries his name and damages his well-earned reputation!

What reputation?

His pinko communist political reputation?

Well EARNED?....... Yah in your book, but surely not mine

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:53 pm

BTS;501074 wrote: What reputation?

His pinko communist political reputation?

Well EARNED?....... Yah in your book, but surely not mine

:wah: Dont care much for war hating nipple sucking long haired hippies ?

BTS · Post by **BTS** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 8:05 pm

Nomad;501081 wrote: :wah: Dont care much for war hating nipple sucking long haired hippies ?

GUILTY

Grumpaz · Post by **Grumpaz** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 9:06 pm

Geeeezzz, I didn't post this to start some kind of argument over who the hell really said it and when. I just posted it the same way it came to me in my email. If I thought for one minute it was going to cause this much controversy I wouldn't have wasted my time.

Sorry.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Sat Dec 30, 2006 10:16 pm

No need to be sorry!! I enjoyed it....was great and Thank you for posting it!!:-6