My Elderly Father

Need help? Ask for it. Serious Discussions Only.
Post Reply
User avatar
Rain
Posts: 3775
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:56 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Rain »

My family has come upon a dilemma that many are starting to face as the baby boomers turn 50-60. Parents with medical ailments and still driving.

My father had a stroke 3 years ago and his Dr. said that he's ok to drive. (Gee, thanks!) But, as a family member, I can see that he is NOT ok to be driving. His left side is useless, and imo, you need both hands on the wheel. His attention span is also messed up. He can't even keep up with a 1 on 1 conversation.

I am VERY afraid that he'll hurt or kill someone while behind the wheel. But you know, this is a sticky situation. How do you take someones independence away? And on the flip side, how do you NOT? I fear for all concerned. Him and possible victims.

I followed closely and am aware of what happened to that 89 year old man in southern California. He ran down many ppl at a food market and was found guilty. If not for his illnesses, the judge would've sentenced him to prison. As it stands, he is basically on house arrest for the rest of his life.

My dad seems to think he's fine and keeps going back to what the Dr. said. "The Dr. says I'm fine to drive." But we don't agree.

How would you handle this? I love my father as you all love yours, so please be kind in your replies.

Thank you in advance :)
lady cop
Posts: 14744
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:00 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by lady cop »

this is a chronic and painful problem here in florida, we have such a large population of elderly. i was in your situation once, and i had to take the car keys away from my dear Mother. but i knew i HAD to. and we can only hope we will know when to hang it up too. ...thankfully there are many places that have transportation for the elderly or disabled. it can prevent a tragedy, even though it's a hard thing to do.
Patsy Warnick
Posts: 4567
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am

My Elderly Father

Post by Patsy Warnick »

Your dad will end up hurting someone or himself.

Recently we had to take my Father in Laws car away from him. Taking his driving privledges away wasn't easy - he was barking !! He kept insisting he was fine to drive.

The deciding factor - ME - One day my in laws were out driving, he thought he hit the brake - hit the gas pedal instead - went thru 2 lanes of on coming traffic, hit a road barrier, flew over a canal and into a block wall. Both were hospitalized - nothing serious. Their car, a brand new Buick was repaired.

I spoke up and said thats it - no more driving. I looked at both of them and said the car is being sold once its repaired. My Father in Law gave me that evil look - but the car was sold and no more driving.. Thank God no one was hurt or killed..

Is there someone like your husband/boy friend who can support you with taking the driving privledge away - other family members as a group to talk some sense with him.? Limiting their driving doesn't work, we tried that before the block wall incident.

This is a very tough position - we're now faced with the living arrangements, assisted living ?

Best of Luck

Patsy
User avatar
Rain
Posts: 3775
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:56 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Rain »

What kind of discussion was there beforehand LC? How did you do this?

My mom is so scared to rock the boat, for fear it will throw him into a rage and cause another stroke, that she's not doing anything. And when I bring up the subject, she just shrugs and asks me "What am I suppose to do?"

Patsy, I'm so very proud of you for doing this. Good on ya! My husband is on my side and so is my brother, though we don't speak. Though my dad has not gotten into any accidents, thank God, I just know it's time.
Patsy Warnick
Posts: 4567
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am

My Elderly Father

Post by Patsy Warnick »

Rain

You need reinforcement - others to assist with the discussion

Your mother can't ignore this - she needs to discuss this rage or no rage.

Patsy
lady cop
Posts: 14744
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2004 1:00 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by lady cop »

not knowing the people involved i can only say that sometimes we have to do what's best even if it angers the person we are trying to protect. it might be a case of tough love needed. my mother was angry with me at first, but came to accept it. i simply told her with honesty why, and also that i would take her anyplace she wanted. and i did. it DOES represent a loss of independence for the person, and i can understand the resistance to a hard fact of life. on some level your Mom and Dad may well know you are right.
Patsy Warnick
Posts: 4567
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am

My Elderly Father

Post by Patsy Warnick »

At first I talked it thru with my husband ( only child) - he got upset - questioned how can we take this priviledge away? etc.. So, I bring the driving subject up for conversation - you could see the tension - At first nothing much was said, I'm still on the topic - he barks - so, against my better judgement / but knowing he will prove his inabilities to himself, we limit his driving area.

Now when you take the priviledge away - it also puts a burden on you. We take them to DRS - Beauty Shop - etc.. They try to take advantage of that too - so, I once again put them on schedule - not my husband - me.. I still want my life and we will still assist them - put they do resort back to childish behavior - As in he's mine - compitetion on who my husband belongs to. I straightened that out too.

My In Laws are a great couple (Stubborn old man ) - and has always known I"m a stright forward/stern individual, and I know they respect that.

Rain - that's why I know you'll need reinforcements just for the 1st discussion - wait until you sell the car.!! It was just me and my husband supported me, my husband hesitated to bring the topic up - MY NERVES WOULDN"T TAKE THE POSSIBLE OUTCOME - DEATH OF A INNOCENT PERSON !!

Keep us posted

Patsy
User avatar
Lulu2
Posts: 6016
Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 3:34 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Lulu2 »

Oh, Honey! Knowing you as I do....you'll worry yourself sick about this!

Can his doctor notify the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and have them call him in for a driver's exam? Here in CA, we have a mandatory driving test for people "of an age," and I'm wondering if they could impose one on your dad. His doctor might be reminded that HE is morally responsible, if he refuses to consider your dad's limitations! In any event, your dad should demonstrate his capabilities--to the state, to himself, to his doctor and to your mom! After all, she's riding with him, too...not to mention innocent pedestrians and other drivers!

I wonder if the BMVD would have any advice for you? Have you thought of calling them?

Naturally, we don't want to lose our keys....and yet, each of us will, some day. I know how much I dread that thought--but when the time comes, it comes, and we'll all have to face it and to cope!

Oh, dear!

(((((HUGS)))))
My candle's burning at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--It gives a lovely light!--Edna St. Vincent Millay
Patsy Warnick
Posts: 4567
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:53 am

My Elderly Father

Post by Patsy Warnick »

My Father in Law went to the MVD - tested - that was a joke - he was tested in April and 2 weeks later he went thru a block wall..

In our State MVD will not assist - and the elderly can drive carts in the road - they license anyone / anything here..

Patsy
User avatar
Lulu2
Posts: 6016
Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 3:34 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Lulu2 »

I'm sorry to hear that, Patsy....still, one has to try, doesn't one?
My candle's burning at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--It gives a lovely light!--Edna St. Vincent Millay
User avatar
CARLA
Posts: 13033
Joined: Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:00 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by CARLA »

Rain I work with families with loved one with Alzheimer's Disease some of the same problems are associted with there driving abilities as stroke patients. I have copied the document that we hand out, there are other but this is a start just ignore the word Alzheimer's and replace it with stroke. It is a diffucult thing to do and required your entire families support. It may even require you disabling the car or having his insurance canceled. If you need any references in your state let me know we network with many agencies all over the country. ;)



[QUOTE]Driving





Driving is a complex activity that requires quick thinking and reactions, good perceptual abilities, and split-second decision-making. For the person with Alzheimer’s disease, driving becomes a safety issue. While he or she may not recognize that changes in cognitive and sensory skills impair driving abilities, you and other family members will need to be firm in your efforts to prevent the person from driving when the time comes that he or she is no longer able to drive safely.



Considering the person’s feelings of loss of independence can aid families in their actions to help the person understand why he or she can no longer drive safely. Assisting the person with dementia to make the decision to stop driving can be useful in helping to maintain a positive

sense of self-esteem.



Study results

Studies have been conducted to better understand the effects of Alzheimer’s on driving. Two of these studies have been conducted at the Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center at Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri.



One study conducted in 1997 (1) demonstrated that poor driving performance increases with increased dementia severity, however, not all people with Alzheimer’s necessarily are unsafe drivers at a given point in time. As a result, the study validates the use of an in-car, on-the-road evaluation or other functional test to assess driving skills in dementia.



A second study conducted in 2000 (2) indicates that actual crashes do not necessarily occur more frequently in drivers with dementia compared to non-demented elderly drivers, suggesting that the diagnosis of dementia should not be the sole justification for suspending driving privileges.



Assess the person’s ability to drive

• Have the person’s driving ability tested. Some state agencies have special drive tests to determine how well a person sees, judges distance and responds to traffic. Ask the person who administers the test to explain the results to you and the person with dementia. If your state does not offer special testing, alternative assessments (generally fee-for-service) may be available. Your local Alzheimer’s Association may be able to provide a list of these assessment programs.

• Look for signs of unsafe driving such as forgetting how to locate familiar places, failing to observe traffic signs, making slow or poor decisions in traffic, driving at an inappropriate speed, or becoming angry or confused while driving. Keep a written record of your observations to share with the person, family members and health care professionals.

• Learn about your state’s driving regulations. In some states, such as California, the physician must report a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s to the health department, which then reports it to the department of motor vehicles. That agency then may revoke the person’s license. Your local Alzheimer’s Association may have information available on driving regulations in your state.



Strongly discourage driving if the person with dementia cannot drive safely

• Involve the person with dementia in the decision to stop driving if possible. Explain your concerns about his or her unsafe driving, giving specific examples, and ask the person to voluntarily stop driving. Assure the person that a ride will be available if he or she needs to go somewhere.

• Transition driving responsibilities to others. Tell the person you can drive, arrange for someone else to drive, or arrange for public transportation such as taxi service or special transportation services for older adults.

• Find ways to reduce the person’s need to drive. Have prescription medicines, groceries or meals delivered to the person’s home.

• Solicit the support of others. Ask your physician to advise the person with dementia not to drive. Involving your physician in a family conference on driving is probably more effective than trying by yourself to persuade the person not to drive. Ask the physician to write a letter stating that the person with Alzheimer’s must not drive. Or ask the physician to write a prescription that says, “No driving. You can then use the letter or prescription to tell your family member what’s been decided.

• Ask a respected family authority figure or your attorney to reinforce the message about not driving. Also ask your insurance agent to provide documentation that the person with dementia will no longer be provided with insurance coverage.

• Experiment with ways to distract the person from driving. Mention that someone else should drive because you’re taking a new route, because driving conditions are dangerous, or because he or she is tired and needs to rest. Tell the person he or she deserves a chance to sit back and enjoy the scenery. You may also want to arrange for another person to sit in the back seat to distract the person while someone else drives. If the disease is in an advanced stage, or there is a history of anger and aggressiveness, it’s best not to drive alone with the person.

• If the person with dementia wanders, he or she can wander and get lost by car. Be prepared for a wandering incident and register the person in Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return®. It is a nationwide identification, support and registration program that provides assistance when individuals with dementia wander and become lost locally or far from home.

• In the later stages, when the person is no longer able to make decisions, substitute his or her driver’s license with a photo identification card. Take no chances. Don’t assume that taking away a driver’s license will discourage driving. The person may not remember that he or she no longer has a license to drive or even that he or she needs a license.

• Be firm and positive about driving. Avoid arguing with the person or giving long explanations for why he or she cannot drive. Spend your time and energy helping to preserve the person’s dignity by focusing on the activities he or she can still do and enjoy.



If the person insists on driving, take these steps as a last resort

• Control access to the car keys. Designate one person who will do all the driving and give that individual exclusive access to the car keys.

• Disable the car. Remove the distributor cap or the battery or starter wire. Ask a mechanic to install a “kill wire that will prevent the car from starting unless the switch is thrown. Or give the person a set of keys that looks like his or her old set, but that don’t work to start the car.

• Consider selling the car. By selling the car, you may be able to save enough in insurance premiums, gas and oil, and maintenance costs to pay for public transportation, including taxicab rides.

• In some states, it might be best to alert the department of motor vehicles. Write a letter directly to the authority and express your concerns, or request that the person’s license be revoked. The letter should state that “(the person’s full name) is a hazard on the road, and offer the reason (Alzheimer’s disease). The state may require a statement form your physician that certifies the person is no longer able to drive.



Resources

“At the Crossroads: A Guide to Alzheimer’s Disease,

Dementia, and Driving. A publication produced by The

Hartford. To obtain a free copy, download it from

Hartford’s Web site: www.thehartford.com/alzheimers or

write: The Hartford, Dementia and Driving Booklet, 200

Executive Blvd., Southington, CT 06489.



Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return® is a

nationwide identification, support and registration program that provides assistance when a person with Alzheimer’s or a related dementia wanders and becomes lost locally or far from home.



To find out more about Safe Return or to

obtain a registration form, contact your local Alzheimer’s

Association, call 1.800.272.3900 or register online

at www.alz.org/safereturn.



References

(1) Hunt, Linda A., et al. Archive of Neurology 54: 707-

712, 1997.

(2) Carr, D.B., et al. Journal of the American Geriatric Society 48: 18-22, 2000.



The Alzheimer’s Association, the world leader in Alzheimer research, care and support, is dedicated to finding prevention methods, treatments and an eventual cure for Alzheimer’s.



24/7 Helpline 1.800.272.3900 TDD Access 312.335.8882 Web site www.alz.org e-mail info@alz.org

Fact sheet updated October 11, 2004 [/QUOTE]
ALOHA!!

MOTTO TO LIVE BY:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.

WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"

User avatar
Rain
Posts: 3775
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:56 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Rain »

Thank You to you all. I have printed out your paper Carla and I will show it to my mom and ask her how she feels about it. My mom has said that she feels it's time to take the keys, but doesn't know how to handle it. All of your advice here will help us with this situation. Thanx a million times! :)
User avatar
Lulu2
Posts: 6016
Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 3:34 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Lulu2 »

Let us know what happens, Rain, ok?
My candle's burning at both ends, it will not last the night. But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--It gives a lovely light!--Edna St. Vincent Millay
User avatar
Rain
Posts: 3775
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:56 pm

My Elderly Father

Post by Rain »

I'll keep you posted here. May be awhile though.
gmc
Posts: 13566
Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2004 9:44 am

My Elderly Father

Post by gmc »

Boy can I relate to this one. Elderly mother and two elder brothers that wouldn't face up to the fact she isn't safe to drive any more-one of whom was daft enough to tax and MOT the car for her. Taking away her independence or more like they would have to visit more to take her out.

I used to always ask that if it came to going for a drive would they let her drive with them in the car. For a while I was persona non grata because of my attitude. Luckily she can't get out the door now so finally she has conceded she shouldnt drive.

How would you feel if he had a bad accident because you did nothing?
Post Reply

Return to “Friends, Relationships, Advice”